The only person I've loved left for someone new

[Maxwell Sage]

Man... I'm aware that this happens to most everyone, especially at this age, but this knowledge is hardly comforting when my thoughts become consumed by feelings of hurt and hopelessness...

 

 

I'll start from the beginning...

 

I was preparing to turn nineteen and I had never been in a serious relationship, as a matter of fact, I had given up on the possibility of it entirely. I decided that I would settle for someone I shared a physical attraction with who could appreciate me as well as what I was into...

 

I ended up finding the person I was willing to settle for... She liked me, I enjoyed her to an extent, but there wasn't much chemistry...

 

Then one night, I went to meet a friend who was hanging out with a person I just so happened to be attracted to. Ultimately, our mutual friend ditched us, so the person and I decided to venture off and hang out on our own. We hit it off so well that she ended up sleeping over, though I was too shy to make a move we started falling in love while hanging out the next day... We shared such a deep appreciation for each other because we were so happy to finally find someone as real as they are unique, we had both just given up on serious aspects of our lives, in addition to the fact that we were very attracted to each other physically. I felt like I had won the lottery, but on a deeper level. I was in love for the first time and every moment literally felt like a dream...

 

We spent every night together and ultimately moved in with each other a month later, because her family relocated and I was lucky enough to be invited to move with them. Things went great for the first six months until I started having the urge to be with other woman on a physical level. Having this on my mind hurt so bad that I broke into tears when I confessed it. You see, I'm a very honest person and I could never hide something so horrid from her. She didn't deserve that. But from that moment on, things weren't what they used to be...

 

Six months later, we moved back to Alameda to live with my family and start a new life. Only a month or so after this happened, we began quarreling one day before she had to leave for work. Being one who can't bare to be on bad terms with those I love, I apologized to her for the sake of positivity, told her I loved her and to have a good day at work. She then responded by calling me a bitch and walking out the door... I didn't even take in what had happened or think about it too much... I just knew that I could NEVER do that to her, and something inside me changed...

 

I ended up talking to her about it, of course, and things were smoothed out. However, 8 months had gone by, and unbeknownst to us, things were beyond repair.

 

We kept our relationship going because we still loved each other to death and had an over all happy life together. But, things eventually became too stressful and we decided we needed a healthy break. She decided to move in with her sister and pursue a new life 6 hours away. This lasted several months and ended up doing nothing but making us feel worse. So, she moved back in with me...

 

We picked up where we left off and were very happy to be reunited... But like before, things were significantly stressful.

 

Though we were able to enjoy good times, the stress level increased steadily. Neither of us had a life outside of our at home relationship, so escaping what bothered us every day was a non existent hope. Things continued in this downhill trend until nearly two and a half years passed by, when we decided that we shouldn't date any more and that we needed to live in separate houses. However, in this change we saw a lot of potential for growth and regeneration of our bond.

 

Unfortunately, we got into a pretty serious fight a few weeks prior to her being scheduled to leave, and she moved out on the spot. Things ended in such a dramatic way and at first I was thrilled about not being forced to deal with the most stressful aspect of my life. But ultimately, I began realizing that I had just lost my best friend, my lover, my favorite person to hang out with, the only person I felt comfortable venting to, in addition to all the physical affection we shared.

 

I began feeling lonely, but we continued talking and I wanted to pursue a long distance relationship with her. She on the other hand was going through enough stress in dealing with the move and didn't want to add to it. I understood, but still missed what we had tremendously.

 

So, I went on a vacation to see her and a month later she returned the favor. During both vacations, we acted as if we were in love all over again. We enjoyed all of the things we used to do, had epic times, great sex, and both times she told me that she still had some feelings for me. She also told me that the next time she planned on being a relationship, she didn't want it to be with me...

 

About two weeks after she returned home after our last vacation, we were talking on AIM as we normally did... when she began to tell me that talking to a certain kind of guy over the internet was really hot to her. She then admitted that she wanted to find a guy who possessed certain traits that I hardly had... This broke my heart in half... I felt like I was coming down from three years worth of ecstasy all at one moment... My stomach turned, my chest tightened, I felt like I was going to faint...

 

In wake of this loss and huge emotional void being created, I became suicidal and more or less gave up on being happy. I tried developing healthy habits and keeping myself busy... which helped to some extent. But eventually, the same thoughts and feelings would catch up to me and I would go through it all over again. During this period of time, I would start thinking about how the only girl I had ever loved an was loved by in return was eventually going to find a new person to share with every thing that had made me happier than I'd ever been. These thoughts and insecurities hurt so intensely that I would rationalize them away and would convince myself that I didn't have to worry about that for a long while...

I had no clue how naive I was being...

 

One night I was talking to her on the phone, telling her what had been on my mind lately, when I asked her to explain to me exactly why we'd never be together again, in order for me to understand the situation and thereby accept it that much more....

 

She very reluctantly admitted that she had a new, older boyfriend with whom she had shared a one of a kind connection with for over a month. She then explained that she hid it from me because of the fact that I had been going through it hard enough without being aware of this. I then asked her how far things had gotten and she even more so reluctantly admitted they shared an intimate relationship and that's about when I became somewhat hysterical.

 

This girl more or less took my virginity and definitely made me way happier than any thing else in my life ever had. The best way I could describe how I felt would be to say that it was as if I had been shot and was staring at the bullet wound, yet I was feeling no physical pain. I was overloaded with emotion to the point where I absolutely had to leave my house, ride my bike a good 8 miles, and vent to the one person I felt comfortable doing so in front of for a solid three hours... I tried sleeping at his house to distract myself but was in so much intense emotional pain that I called my mom at 4:30am to get picked up. Once I was in the car, I broke down and told her every thing that was going on. I also explained how I had been suicidal prior to finding this out and was much more serious about pursuing this option now... My ex and her new boyfriend's relationship was literally the only thing I could think about, aside from dying...

 

I wanted to go to the store and purchase the necessary provisions so badly, but I guess I wasn't all the way ready to do so. I ultimately had a friend come over to talk with me and it was just the break I needed in order to get through the day..

 

Since then, I've been waking up and thinking about my ex as well as the lack of hope I feel for my current situation every morning. I've been experiencing intense ups and downs where I feel like dying early in the day and am optimistic by the end of the afternoon...

 

All that's helped me cope thus far is relating to others, hence the reason I was compelled to post my story...

 

If you're going through a similar situation or have done so recently, please share your experience.

 

Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated.

email: [email protected]

AIM: Maxwell Sage

[WSeeker]

Dont even think to kill yourself over someone. Nobody is worth that much.

[scienceguy]

I can't respond to everything you wrote, but I just want to say something since nobody else has replied to your thread.

 

...Things went great for the first six months until I started having the urge to be with other woman on a physical level. Having this on my mind hurt so bad that I broke into tears when I confessed it. You see, I'm a very honest person and I could never hide something so horrid from her. She didn't deserve that. But from that moment on, things weren't what they used to be...

This is nothing to be really ashamed about. After the honeymoon relationship ends, it's normal to "rediscover" that there are other attractive people out there.

 

You know, a couple can be married for 20 years, and you don't think that when they walk down the street that the guy doesn't notice cute women and the girl doesn't notice cute guys? There's nothing at all wrong about that. There should be some qualification to what I'm saying: namely, it's normal to feel attracted to other people out there, but there's a BIG difference between "being attracted to another person" and really pursuing somebody else.

 

I understand that you're a very honest guy and want to communicate openly with your partner. That's a very good trait to have, but you also have to realize that certain things are better dealt with privately. For instance, I might date a girl, and if she hangs out with an ex, I certainly feel uncomfortable about it, but I wouldn't tell her, ever. I just have to privately deal with my jealous feelings on my own. Having a good buddy to talk to is also helpful, or venting to the folks on this board is another good outlet. In the end, there are times to talk about this type of stuff, but in general, you have to learn to strike a balance between being opening and honest in a relationship and pouring over things like this. What you said was pretty ridiculous though. It would hurt anybody to her "Oh I am so physically attractive to that cute waitress and would love to..." I imagine that your mistakes are due to your youth and inexperience; its okay though. You (heck all of us) will make stupid decisions in our relationships.

 

...

We picked up where we left off and were very happy to be reunited... But like before, things were significantly stressful.

Other folks on the board will tell you that stuff like this isn't a good sign. Relationships aren't all fairydust and magic, but at the same time, both of you should feel better for being together. She oughta make you feel like the greatest guy and vice versa. I know this sounds like some obvious advice but an awful lot of relationships don't pass this simple test. It's tough to let go, but in the end, you're just depriving yourself, and her, of something much much better.

 

Though we were able to enjoy good times, the stress level increased steadily. Neither of us had a life outside of our at home relationship

THe "not having a life outside of our at home relationship" stuff is very unhealthy. A relationship should come after the rest of your life is together. You should have good friends, good academic career, a strong family, and finally, a lot of hobbies and interests outside of your relationship. After you've got all that together, then you oughta start dating. This is just my advice, but I think a good relationship is icing on the cake. Even if your relationship with a girl fails, then it's alright, you'll have a lot going for you, and you can quickly recover. Make sure you don't repeat this mistake next time.

 

Unfortunately, we got into a pretty serious fight a few weeks prior to her being scheduled to leave, and she moved out on the spot. Things ended in such a dramatic way and at first I was thrilled about not being forced to deal with the most stressful aspect of my life. But ultimately, I began realizing that I had just lost my best friend, my lover, my favorite person to hang out with, the only person I felt comfortable venting to, in addition to all the physical affection we shared.

Reread what you wrote:I was thrilled about not being forced to deal with the most stressful aspect of my life. On some level, this relationship wasn't working for you because you kind of seemed happy to have it out of your life. The rest of stuff you wrote, about "I had just lost..." is all very normal. Like everybody else, you're having a lot of trouble, letting go. This is normal. Nothing I say will lessen your pain, but it's something all of us feel so try to take some comfort in that.

 

 

 

 

she began to tell me that talking to a certain kind of guy over the internet was really hot to her. She then admitted that she wanted to find a guy who possessed certain traits that I hardly had... This broke my heart in half... I felt like I was coming down from three years worth of ecstasy all at one moment... My stomach turned, my chest tightened, I felt like I was going to faint...

God, she was vindictive and hurtful.

 

In wake of this loss and huge emotional void being created, I became suicidal and more or less gave up on being happy. I tried developing healthy habits and keeping myself busy... which helped to some extent. But eventually, the same thoughts and feelings would catch up to me and I would go through it all over again. During this period of time, I would start thinking about how the only girl I had ever loved an was loved by in return was eventually going to find a new person to share with every thing that had made me happier than I'd ever been. These thoughts and insecurities hurt so intensely that I would rationalize them away and would convince myself that I didn't have to worry about that for a long while...

I had no clue how naive I was being...

 

One night I was talking to her on the phone, telling her what had been on my mind lately, when I asked her to explain to me exactly why we'd never be together again, in order for me to understand the situation and thereby accept it that much more....

 

She very reluctantly admitted that she had a new, older boyfriend with whom she had shared a one of a kind connection with for over a month. She then explained that she hid it from me because of the fact that I had been going through it hard enough without being aware of this. I then asked her how far things had gotten and she even more so reluctantly admitted they shared an intimate relationship and that's about when I became somewhat hysterical.

 

This girl more or less took my virginity and definitely made me way happier than any thing else in my life ever had. The best way I could describe how I felt would be to say that it was as if I had been shot and was staring at the bullet wound, yet I was feeling no physical pain. I was overloaded with emotion to the point where I absolutely had to leave my house, ride my bike a good 8 miles, and vent to the one person I felt comfortable doing so in front of for a solid three hours... I tried sleeping at his house to distract myself but was in so much intense emotional pain that I called my mom at 4:30am to get picked up. Once I was in the car, I broke down and told her every thing that was going on. I also explained how I had been suicidal prior to finding this out and was much more serious about pursuing this option now... My ex and her new boyfriend's relationship was literally the only thing I could think about, aside from dying...

Yikes, I never thought somebody would have a story as eerily similar as mine, but then I found yours. Pretty much everything you described in the last quote is what I felt. I felt like my heart had exploded. Well, scratch that; actually I felt like I was stuck in the moment before my heart exploded. Just frozen, and for months on end. And to top it off, she was seeing the guy the last couple months we were together! It felt like I was being tortured at a level I could never express, but it was unbelievable that I could feel that much pain over a failed relationship. Never felt suicidal, but there were times I wondered if I could ever ever recover from it too. And it was painful as hell to realize that when I was struggling to simply put my life together, she was out there with the other guy, with not a single care in the world. It hurt, and frankly, it'll also hurt for you for a very long time. You'll also relapse, not as badly as the first time, but you probably will. All of this is normal. There are only three things I can tell you:

 

i) Have some perspective. You had a life before this girl, and you will, if you choose to, have a life after her. So don't let this relationship define you. Go out with your friends. I know you don't want to do anything but sit around and mope, but you have to "go through the motions" of having a normal life so it can get you back on track. If you can volunteer abroad, then do it! One of the best things I did after my break up was to throw myself into volunteering in rural Peru. Tough experience, but it was a completely different world, and I felt so much stronger for it. Seriously, I cannot stress this point enough! You know, there's also something cool about running into your ex, and when she's with some guy, and asks what you've been doing, you can tell her you went abroad and volunteered in a different part of the world. Sounds a bit cheesy, but seriously, I cannot tell you how much it helped me. You can always date, but it's not often you can go live in another part of the world. You life will be the richer for it.

 

And after coming back, I found so much inner strength that I had not had before. Relationships are a great thing to have, but I knew I didn't need anybody to feel good about myself. I could live a wonderful and productive life without her, heck without any girl. I felt very very strong thanks to those experience, and I would urge you to pursue something like that..

 

ii) Post here. I don't visit the boards often, but I can definitely relate to your story. There are some excellent people here who can also help you--CaliGuy, Hoping2heal, etc.

 

iii) There's no harm talking to a therapist about these things. Not fun, but there is nothing wrong with speaking to an objective third party on these issues. Try to be proactive about all of this. You can make these changes, but only if you want to move on.

[Maxwell Sage]

Thank you sooooooooooooo much for your detailed and thorough response, Science guy. The piece of advice you gave that spoke to me the most was "Don't let the relationship define you.". I've been letting this dictate how I feel as well as what I'm doing with my life for so long now, and there's really no good reason for that.

 

Last night my ex IMed me for the first time since she broke the news... At first I was so shaken that I got chest pains and felt as though I could have a minor heart attack. She was IMing me to tell me that I had better block the screen name she was using if I didn't want to talk to her, since she was switching back to it. I did so without responding and she texted me saying something to the effect of "You're an ass hole. Don't come back to me when you need to talk, I won't listen.". I then responded by telling her how close I was to dying the morning after she told me about her new bf as well as how her IM gave me chest pains. She then replied by calling my self absorbed in a sarcastic way, so I said that if she wasn't empathetic enough to allow me time to heal, then f*** her. She's yet to respond and I now feel a good 65/ 75% more over this situation. It really reminded me of why things didn't work in the first place. Situations like this one are why she moved out in such a dramatic way and why our fights got worse and worse. I would always be so nice and just trying to do what's right, but since she has so much weighing her down it would never be enough and I would somehow end up being called an *******.

 

Now I'm just trying to find the kind of girl I used to wish my ex was... Just someone sweet and easy going. I can't do the stressed out bipolar thing any more... Even if she IS realllly hot and artistic.

 

I'm also realizing that her new bf could never take my place since what we shared was so special and equally epic. I'm sure there are little things about being with me that don't come along with her new bf. I mean, he obviously makes up for it, but I'm sure things about me have or will pop into her head to some extent.

 

Now that the first week has passed, the last impression I have of her is a reminder of why I hated living with her so passionately at times and a cute girl said she wanted to go star gazing with me this Saturday, I'd say I'm doing pretty good. Or at least a loooot better than I was yesterday. I'm still on the road to recovery, but last night helped me take major strides down said path. Thanks again for all of your feedback.

[wondering_girl]

hi there, thanks for your feedback..... as i read your post, it amazes me how people change in the blink of an eye? just like my post.. my bf turned 360 on me in a matter of weeks, its like i didn't know him anymore...

 

i know its easier said than done but like you said i guess we have to accept how things are...

[Wolf]

I'm also realizing that her new bf could never take my place since what we shared was so special and equally epic. I'm sure there are little things about being with me that don't come along with her new bf. I mean, he obviously makes up for it, but I'm sure things about me have or will pop into her head to some extent.

 

You hit the nail on the head man. Sometimes we can do everything right, and still lose. It's ok. We'll win in the end. YOU, maxwell, will win in the end.

 

I posted my story earlier this week, so as you know, there's no way my ex's boss, at his age, and with her issues, will be able to handle her. There's no way he'll ever love her as much as I did. She knows that.

 

Your ex knows it too. So, let her have it her way, and drive on. Never change the way you love someone, because that defines you. Love infinitely, endearingly, and fiercely. Don't let your ex change that about you. And next time, give it to someone who truly deserves it.