weeble78 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Hey everyone B/f of 7 years, he's 3 years younger than me, found out 3 weeks ago that he had been emailing/texting/messaging this girl he met at work for the last 2 months. We'd had relationship problems but in the last month seemed to be getting back on track. I went away for the weekend and came back to find emails on the laptop - mainly sexual, they decided they wanted to be together, she's worried he's just after sex, they've already kissed at work. He lied to me over the last two months as I thought something was up and he called me paranoid. Once I discovered the emails I packed up and left, and have not been back. One phonecall from him saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now and wants time to himself away from stress but maybe in the future....(!) No calls asking if I'm ok or any attempt to talk to me about it. We own a flat together which I have put on the market and he is holding up the sale. I keep thinking that he had his head turned because I was going through a problem period in my life and took it out on him - he says he was too overprotective of me. I just keep asking myself, is there any way this can possibly work out for good in the end? What does everyone else think? Am I mad to contemplate it?
gp913 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 You found out that your boyfriend was sending sexual emails to another girl, kissed her, and they said they wanted to be together, while you were with him... he lied to you about it... this isn't cheating how?
Author weeble78 Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Ok so maybe I should have been more specific - they hadn't slept together or gone any further than one kiss at work. Maybe it doesn't matter, I really don't know - I just need some advice and opinions please!
norajane Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 No way is this ever going to work. One phonecall from him saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now and wants time to himself away from stress but maybe in the future....(!) He's already started having sex with her. That's why he "doesn't want to be in a relationship" right now. He means he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, because he wants to bang her. If/when that relationship goes down in flames, he may come back to you, his back-up, if he doesn't find someone else he wants to bang.
Author weeble78 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 So is there no potential for him realising he made a mistake and that he really loves me? This girl has been throwing herself at him and doing things even I didn't know you could do. We were going through a really rough patch plus I was ill and off work. I can't see clearly today and to be honest am finding it harder with every hour that passes and every day. I guess I can't get it into my head that maybe he didn't love me the way I loved him - I can't believe that was really possible, I just feel that things that have happened i.e. arguments, may have convinced him he doesn't love me - am I going crazy here? I feel like I am!!!!! Help!!!!
norajane Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I understand that you are feeling very hurt and very sad right now. Which is why you haven't yet found your anger toward HIM. You shouldn't WANT him back at this point after what he did to you! You're upset at what SHE did, but you are forgetting that he is not a defenseless, naive innocent being led astray by an evil ho...he is a grown man with a mind of his own and HE made the CHOICE to go behind your back every step of the way for 2 months until you caught him through those emails. And then he lied to you about his choices for 2 months, and tried to make you feel like you were crazy and paranoid - there is a word for that, it's called "gaslighting". Google it and read all about it. And then he dumped you with one phone call - didn't even have the decency to speak to you in person even though you live together and own property together! - and you haven't heard from him since. You should be livid, and not thinking about having him back! He is not the kind of man who is right for you, since he so quickly and easily decided to treat you like crap. Find your anger at him. Your anger will make you stronger. Don't be a doormat by accepting this kind of behavior from him or anyone!
Author weeble78 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Hi norajane Thanks for your strong response - I am usually a strong person myself, and this really rings a chord in me. I feel like I need support to try and keep thinking this way. I have moved back to where I was before I moved away with him, and this place brings back all the good memories of when we first got together and first moved in together. It's weird, it seems like for 3 weeks I was doing fine and now all the nice stuff keeps popping into my head. I know I should be angry and feel furious at the way he has treated me yet I just don't - I just feel like he's let himself down and shown himself to be a weak individual who I could never admire or respect again. I'm finding all these new feelings really strange - the most hurtful is the lack of his physical presence, and also the lack of any caring for me. How on earth can you be with somebody for 7 years and then they can throw it all away and behave like this? What is wrong with me that he has no respect or love for me? (I know how I sound, but those are truly questions running through my head)
norajane Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 There is nothing wrong with you. But there is something wrong with him. As you said, he's turned out to be the kind of man you cannot respect or trust. 7 years is a long time to be together, and he is an ass for treating you this way. As difficult as it is to understand and accept, he's NOT the guy you thought he was. There is no excuse for his behavior, NONE! You'll have to go through a healing process, and it goes in waves and cycles. Trust me, you will find your anger. And then you'll cycle back to bewilderment and hurt. And cycle again back to anger. Eventually, you'll be fine and will look back at your relationship more objectively and will thank the stars that you aren't stuck with his lying cheating ass. Unfortunately, some people don't find out they're with a lying cheating loser until after they are married and have kids - and then they are blindsided. Try reading some threads in the Infidelity forum if you want to understand how devastating that is and how it happens to people who thought their marriages were just fine. He's shown you his true colors, and when people do that, it is best to pay attention and see them for who they really are instead of trying to find excuses or going into denial. There is someone better out there for you!!
Author weeble78 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 But is a cheater a cheater because he is a bad person/born that way/will never change, or has he turned into a cheater because the relationship got bad and he was looking for comfort?
norajane Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Cheaters cheat for all kinds of reasons, but it usually comes down to they are selfish human beings with bad conflict resolution skills. Even if a relationship becomes bad, it does not mean that cheating is the only option! Cheating is a selfish choice. He could have discussed his issues with you, he could have suggested going to counseling, he could have broken up with you and then started flirting with someone else. Instead, he chose to screw you over before getting caught and dumping you. That makes him a selfish, cruel ass. Think of it this way: in all those situations where a relationship might have become difficult and someone chooses to cheat as a way to comfort themselves, well guess what? The relationship was just as bad for the one who was betrayed, but that person did not make the choice to cheat. So yes, there is a difference between people who cheat and those who don't. Even though they are both in the same situation, only one of them is so weak and selfish as to cheat.
Author weeble78 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Thank you, I guess you're right and yes he could have done it a million other caring and respectful way. I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe I feel I pushed him and hurt him to the point of making him look elsewhere, but when you say what you just did, it makes sense, that he had other options than to go elsewhere. It's so horrible, the feeling in your heart of loss, loss of future and loss of love - but this battles against the thoughts in your head, thoughts of sadness that you were worth being treated that way and didn't mean anything more. It's like a fight where you're saying you love somebody even though they did this to you, and how can somebody feel that way, it's crazy! I have a background in psychology and have worked with people suffering many differing kinds of mental illness, but I will never understand why people have to go through a grieving process in a situation like this - what benefit is it to us? I am full of self-help ideas, like reading books on building self-esteem, going out and buying myself a nice dress and some new make-up, but at the end of the day when I get home and I'm sitting on my own I'm still feeling loss, and also embarrassment that the person who I held in so much respect for so long cared for me only enough to wipe his feet on. Have you experienced cheating in a relationship?
norajane Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Yes, I have. My ex, whom I had known for 17 years and had dated before when we were much younger. We started dating again for what I thought was the "real deal" this time. Over 2 years later, I found out he had "blended girlfriends" in order to start seeing me again. He did not break up with his other gf before starting to date me, and was seeing both of us for some time. This was easy for him because we were still long distance when we first started seeing each other. Once I found out, I dumped him because he was clearly not the man I thought he was, the man I had known as a good friend, and the man who professed his love to me. If that's how he treats people he loves, his love isn't good enough for me.
Author weeble78 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Wow that's a sad story, but inspiring because you had the strength to walk away and know you're the better person. It really strikes a chord with me because what you just said is one of the saddest things about everything - the person who I was connected with to the very deepest part of my heart is not the person I thought he was. The very second I read the emails he'd sent, he immediately became a stranger and the incredible bond we had just snapped - it was almost like I physically felt it. I feel like I'm grieving for the person I thought he was and I told him this, I said I'm not angry just very sad that I no longer recognise you. That person who was my life has gone and will never be there again. If he was standing in front of me I don't think I could bear to look at him. Did you find peace being without your ex? I hope you did - you sound like a strong and confident person who knows where you're at - I miss being in that place!
norajane Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Did you find peace being without your ex? Yes, absolutely. Not without difficulty, but over time. I just kept reminding myself that HE did this; it was HIS choice to live his life that way and be that kind of person. And I wanted no part of someone like that in my life. He is certainly not the only man out there. The harder part, actually, was the loss of the friendship. We had been a part of each other's lives for 17 years, so not having that anymore was strange. But he proved himself not to be a friend. Friends don't do that kind of thing to each other.
Author weeble78 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 That really gives me another perspective from which to view things - I think I shall re-read this post when I need some words of wisdom. Thanks for your kind words and sharing things with me - it's helped a lot tonight xxx:)
daphne Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Weeble, I have to really second what NJ has said here. We always look for reasons as to why a person would hurt us that way, maybe we did something to cause it. But we didn't. It is quite often a selfish way of showing contempt when the cheater doesn't get their way or isn't getting a need met. Instead of dealing with it head on and considering your needs, they stick it to you by cheating on you. I realized that my ex cheated on me whenever he wasn't getting his way. Even this last time, when I told him that I would have to see if we could be friends first before deciding on a second chance, he decided to start chasing more strange and let me know about it in a passive aggressive way. Grieve and heal. I promise it gets better.
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