MzConfused Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been going out and living together happily for over a year. We rarely fight. In Aug I started taking college classes again. In my class I was randomly paired up with a group of people. In that group there is me, 3 other girls and two guys. We work on a lot as a group. Most of the time its me, the two guys and another girl doing most of the work. After class a few times we walk outside of the building and hang out for awhile. Sometimes theres me and the two guys and sometimes the other girl is with us. I wait till my boyfriend finishes class so I might be able to see him. One guy has to wait till his next class, and the other guy waits till his girlfriend picks him up. The girl is just usually smoking on the side or behind us. Were pretty much all friends. We dont talk about sexual or romantic things but mostly about what happened during class. One day, one of the boys asked me for my number, the one with the girlfriend. I didnt feel that there was any harm being done because we were just friends and I didnt see him having bad intenetions. So I gave it to him. He never called me. But texted me asking for my myspace page. So I thought no biggie every has myspace so I gave it to him. He never commented my page or anything. I thought is was just to keep in touch. The txt's he had sent to me I left on my phone. If my boyfriend found them he could just ask me about them. I didnt want to delete them because I didnt do anything wrong and didnt have anything to hide. Well to come down to it, my boyfriend is pissed at me. He's acting like I chested on him and blowing things way out of proportion. He even wanted me to stop talking to him altogther even during group work. I dont think I did anything wrong and was very truthful. He's upset that I didnt tell I was staying after school with these guys and I gave one of them my phone number. Not to hook but just as friends. I really dont know what to do. He wants me to tell this guy off and say I dont want to talk to him anymore, but I feel bad because he never did anything wrong. I guess hanging out with classmates if off limits. Please give me any feedback on this. Pleas.
Enema Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 If your story is accurate, then your boyfriend is overreacting. I don't think you did anything wrong either, as long as there's a legitimate reason for your classmate to have your number. I think the worst thing you could do now would be to buckle and do what your bf wants. Sets up a dangerous relationship dynamic.
alexxx Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 You are walking a fine line here. But you have not crossed it yet. Even in my view (which is often conservative) you haven't done anything wrong. That gives you every right to stand your ground and not compromise with your bf. Tell him that he is insecure.
Author MzConfused Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Thank you for your comments. I hope he's out for himself that he is being a bit outrageous.
Paragon Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Everyone needs to slow down for a second here. Here's what's going on, plain and simple: they are having problems because he feels she crossed a line, and she feels she didn't. It's quite obvious that the disagreement stems from having different definitions as to where the line was at. A few IMPORTANT questions: Did you tell him the guy asked for your number? If not, why? Would you want to know if a girl gave him her phone number and he never told you? If all this was innocent, why not tell your bf what was going on, instead of having him find out all at once? What exactly did the text messages say? And, how did he find all this out? It seems to me that the lack of communication is the problem here, and simply labeling it "overreacting" is going to make the situation worse since his feelings have been hurt. He feels you crossed a line. Perhaps all your actions were indeed innocent, and if so, then this problem can be worked out by you two sitting down and having a discussion about what you're both comfortable with. The important thing to realize here is that his jealousy is perfectly normal AND fine. His actions to solve the problem are a little irrational, but it's because he's not thinking clearly. If you want to solve the problem, tell him you understand where he's coming from and talk this out with him and come to an agreement of what is acceptable and what is not. See if you two can COOPERATE to come to a better solution, because i'm sure if you calm him down a bit, he'll realize his solution is a bit rash. As for your part, now you know that your bf would probably like it more if you let him know these things piece by piece instead of having him find out on his own and all at once.
Javelin Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Everyone needs to slow down for a second here. Here's what's going on, plain and simple: they are having problems because he feels she crossed a line, and she feels she didn't. It's quite obvious that the disagreement stems from having different definitions as to where the line was at. A few IMPORTANT questions: Did you tell him the guy asked for your number? If not, why? Would you want to know if a girl gave him her phone number and he never told you? If all this was innocent, why not tell your bf what was going on, instead of having him find out all at once? What exactly did the text messages say? And, how did he find all this out? It seems to me that the lack of communication is the problem here, and simply labeling it "overreacting" is going to make the situation worse since his feelings have been hurt. He feels you crossed a line. Perhaps all your actions were indeed innocent, and if so, then this problem can be worked out by you two sitting down and having a discussion about what you're both comfortable with. The important thing to realize here is that his jealousy is perfectly normal AND fine. His actions to solve the problem are a little irrational, but it's because he's not thinking clearly. If you want to solve the problem, tell him you understand where he's coming from and talk this out with him and come to an agreement of what is acceptable and what is not. See if you two can COOPERATE to come to a better solution, because i'm sure if you calm him down a bit, he'll realize his solution is a bit rash. As for your part, now you know that your bf would probably like it more if you let him know these things piece by piece instead of having him find out on his own and all at once. Well said..!
alexxx Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I don't agree (given that we've been told everything). It is perfectly normal that our friends have our phone numbers and myspace pages. So, this whole situation boils down to the question: IS SHE ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS? If the answer is "yes", then she does not have to explain anything; let him deal with his own insecurities.
Javelin Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I don't agree (given that we've been told everything). It is perfectly normal that our friends have our phone numbers and myspace pages. So, this whole situation boils down to the question: IS SHE ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS? If the answer is "yes", then she does not have to explain anything; let him deal with his own insecurities. If the roles were reversed and she has no problem with him meeting new female friends the same way (IE: Exchanging phone numbers, Community Pages) then there is no problem. I personally, wouldn't blow the situation out of context like he did, but on the other hand... I would hope that these new, 'friends' remain respectful of our relationship. Facebook is cool, but to exchange numbers, eh? For what?
alexxx Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Facebook is cool, but to exchange numbers, eh? For what? For talking about classes, homework, schedule, for example. You don't have your friends' phone numbers?
Author MzConfused Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 I've been feeling pretty depressed about the whole situation. He made me call the guy and tell him that I couldnt talk to him anymore. I was pretty embarrassed because the guy didnt do anything wrong to me or otherwise. My boyfriend went as far as to tell me that I wasnt allowed to sit by him in class or to talk to him, whether it was regarding a project or not. He was even pretty mad that I said I couldnt talk to the guy because it was upsetting my boyfriend. He want me to say that "I" didnt want to talk to him anymore. I told my boyfriend that I had no reason to say that because he didnt do anything wrong. I feel completely embrassed and feel as I should apologize for calling him out of the blew.
Author MzConfused Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 If the roles were reversed and she has no problem with him meeting new female friends the same way (IE: Exchanging phone numbers, Community Pages) then there is no problem. I personally, wouldn't blow the situation out of context like he did, but on the other hand... I would hope that these new, 'friends' remain respectful of our relationship. Facebook is cool, but to exchange numbers, eh? For what? I have no problem with him having female friends which he does. I'm very understanding when it comes to having friends. I dont stop him from going out, he will go out and drink at a friends house and may go to a party that night. That doesnt bother me. I know he loves me. And I also know that if someones going to cheat you cant stop them. I believe in trust. Because thats what a relationship is based off of, love and trust.
lkjh Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Im pretty strict when it comes to stuff like this but even i think your bf is extreme. If he has a past of being jealous you might want to cut him loose. If this is the first time this has happen then you might want to look at the situation again and see if there is something you are not telling us
Paragon Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I've been feeling pretty depressed about the whole situation. I told you how to handle the situation......
alexxx Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 He made me call the guy and tell him that I couldnt talk to him anymore. Uhh.. Why did you do that? To please your bf? First of all, your bf is wrong here and instead of him working on his insecurities, he made you do a wrong thing. You don't deserve that. Your friend, whom you called, doesn't deserve that. Now, I understand that you want to "fix" your relationship with your bf, but this is not way to do it. He will respect you less, every time you don't stand for what's wright. He want me to say that "I" didnt want to talk to him anymore. I told my boyfriend that I had no reason to say that because he didnt do anything wrong. I feel completely embrassed and feel as I should apologize for calling him out of the blew. So, in addition to being insecure, and wanting you to have no friends in your life, he also wants you to LIE. Wake up!
Javelin Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 I've been feeling pretty depressed about the whole situation. He made me call the guy and tell him that I couldnt talk to him anymore. I was pretty embarrassed because the guy didnt do anything wrong to me or otherwise. My boyfriend went as far as to tell me that I wasnt allowed to sit by him in class or to talk to him, whether it was regarding a project or not. He was even pretty mad that I said I couldnt talk to the guy because it was upsetting my boyfriend. He want me to say that "I" didnt want to talk to him anymore. I told my boyfriend that I had no reason to say that because he didnt do anything wrong. I feel completely embrassed and feel as I should apologize for calling him out of the blew. He shouldn't have made you do anything! At this point you need to put your foot down and knock him down a notch or two. He's not your father and he does NOT rule your life. If you both have been faithful throughout the course of your relationship, then he should respect the fact that you will have friends of the opposite sex, period. Seriously, it seems like you have an immature & insensitive control freak for a boyfriend. I would tell him to shape the hell up or ship the f-out. His behavior is clearly unacceptable.
Author MzConfused Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Thanks for all of your replies. We have been talking about it and he agrees that he over reacted. I told him how embarrassed I was by calling the guy and telling him that. I told him that he was asking for too much by demanding all that he was demanding.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Were pretty much all friends. We dont talk about sexual or romantic things but mostly about what happened during class. One day, one of the boys asked me for my number, the one with the girlfriend. I didnt feel that there was any harm being done because we were just friends and I didnt see him having bad intenetions. Ask yourself, if you were to ever ask another guy to exchange phone numbers, why would it be? Just to call up as friends? come on, don't be so naive. So I gave it to him. He never called me. But texted me asking for my myspace page. uh huh....here we go. So I thought no biggie every has myspace so I gave it to him. He never commented my page or anything. I thought is was just to keep in touch. The txt's he had sent to me I left on my phone. If my boyfriend found them he could just ask me about them. I didnt want to delete them because I didnt do anything wrong and didnt have anything to hide. Well to come down to it, my boyfriend is pissed at me. He's acting like I chested on him and blowing things way out of proportion. no, really he isn't. He knows why guys ask other girls for phone numbers, and it isn't "just because". Not saying that you thought something other than "no harm", but you have to look at it from his point of view. What if you found out he was texting another girl and he never told you? be honest with yourself here. He even wanted me to stop talking to him altogther even during group work. I dont think I did anything wrong and was very truthful. but you didn't tell him about another guy wanting your digits though....did you? He's upset that I didnt tell I was staying after school with these guys and I gave one of them my phone number. Not to hook but just as friends. I really dont know what to do. He wants me to tell this guy off and say I dont want to talk to him anymore, but I feel bad because he never did anything wrong. I guess hanging out with classmates if off limits. Please give me any feedback on this. Pleas. No, haning out with classmates is not off limits. But giving your phone number out to a guy is something you just don't do unless your bf knew about it, knows the guy, and knows the situation. He doesn't know this guy from Adam. What he does know is that he himself wouldn't ask for another girl's number unless there was something there. You have to look at it from his angle....you didn't tell him about it. It looks shady. And again, I wouldn't ask for another girl's phone number unless I wanted to possibly develop something later. What you did isn't totally off the wall or out of the question though, but again, you need to see this through your bf's eyes. I would have questioned it too if you didn't tell me and I found out for myself.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 It seems to me that the lack of communication is the problem here, and simply labeling it "overreacting" is going to make the situation worse since his feelings have been hurt. Exactly! He might figure, "well, if she thinks its ok to give her digits to another guy and not tell me about it, then it will be ok for me to do the same and I don't have to inform her of anything." He feels you crossed a line. Perhaps all your actions were indeed innocent, and if so, then this problem can be worked out by you two sitting down and having a discussion about what you're both comfortable with. I agree. I think OP was perfectly innocent in what went on, although she shouldn't have kept it from her bf. But just because she is innocent, doesn't mean the other guy's intentions were too. And this is what her bf realizes or thinks. The important thing to realize here is that his jealousy is perfectly normal AND fine. His actions to solve the problem are a little irrational, but it's because he's not thinking clearly. I agree he isn't thinking clearly as well. But he had to find out she gave her number to another guy for himself. Thats the problem, he found this out on his own and it looks shady to him.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I have no problem with him having female friends which he does. I'm very understanding when it comes to having friends. I dont stop him from going out, he will go out and drink at a friends house and may go to a party that night. That doesnt bother me. I know he loves me. And I also know that if someones going to cheat you cant stop them. I believe in trust. Because thats what a relationship is based off of, love and trust. But what if you found out he gave his number to another girl, and he didn't tell you?
Javelin Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 For talking about classes, homework, schedule, for example. Those aren't valid excuses to give a person your phone number. Especially at a college level where these items are most likely posted on-line. You don't have your friends' phone numbers? Of course I do, but that's not the point.
silverfish Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 But just because she is innocent, doesn't mean the other guy's intentions were too. And this is what her bf realizes or thinks. Hey why not get all female college students to wear the hijab too in case someone looks at their knees? Maybe she didn't tell him about the number because he is a control freak. All they do at that age is text / facebook eachother homework questions and stuff. OP I think you should dump him for being a controlling idiot who doesn't know how to behave himself. You're too young to be dealing with this sort of crap
Dexter Morgan Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 But just because she is innocent, doesn't mean the other guy's intentions were too. And this is what her bf realizes or thinks. Hey why not get all female college students to wear the hijab too in case someone looks at their knees? geez, you can dispense with the drama. All I was saying is that her bf realizes that the other guy's intentions were more than likely not innocent and that not telling him looks suspect. I'm just saying she needs to see how this looks from his side of the fence. I already said I think her intentions were innocent....or did you just gloss over that? Maybe she didn't tell him about the number because he is a control freak. that would lead to the idea that there must be something wrong with what she did. If she thought he'd freak by giving out her number, then there must be a reason. and if he is such a control freak, she can leave. All they do at that age is text / facebook eachother homework questions and stuff. really? college kids don't have sex? interesting. Learn something new every day.
alexxx Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Originally Posted by alexxx For talking about classes, homework, schedule, for example. Those aren't valid excuses to give a person your phone number. Especially at a college level where these items are most likely posted on-line. "Talking about classes" is posted online? "Talking about homework" is posted online"? "Talking about schedule" is posted online? You must be kidding. Quote: Originally Posted by alexxx You don't have your friends' phone numbers? Of course I do, but that's not the point. Sorry but I have no clue what you are talking about.
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Wow she's gonna end up looking stupid when it starts happening to her...lol.
Javelin Posted September 23, 2009 Posted September 23, 2009 Originally Posted by alexxx For talking about classes, homework, schedule, for example. "Talking about classes" is posted online? "Talking about homework" is posted online"? "Talking about schedule" is posted online? You must be kidding. Quote: Originally Posted by alexxx You don't have your friends' phone numbers? Sorry but I have no clue what you are talking about. No one is saying that the girl can't have friends, it's just how she's going about making them. Her tactics are a little on the flaky side.
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