I am really angry now

[Devil Inside]

Yes DI I can't get into therapy quick enough. I was in therapy for years for my childhood issues in the past and it really does help. I know I need it.

 

Lately I am not so sure my H even wants to be married. He is like a zombie right now, we don't really talk anymore, it has been driving me crazy.

 

I know one thing, I rather do enjoy being alone and I know this because when my H is gone or I am out of town at my parents I don't ever feel like I miss him, I almost feel relieved. That's pretty bad.

 

Have you told him that you feel distant and disconnected from him?

[NoIDidn't]

Yep, LD first comes the anger at him. Then comes the anger at yourself.

 

Eventually though, you'll accept that it was what it was. Your part, his part. Just is.

 

Good luck.

[ladydesigner]

Have you told him that you feel distant and disconnected from him?

 

I haven't told him that I was, that is a good point. I have definitely brought up that he has been distant and disconnected and he looks at me like I'm crazy:rolleyes:

[Devil Inside]

I haven't told him that I was, that is a good point. I have definitely brought up that he has been distant and disconnected and he looks at me like I'm crazy:rolleyes:

 

Here's a free tip....lol

 

When you communicate with your husband...focus on your feelings and experience and not on his actions. So...for example in this situation.

 

1. Honey lately when we don't talk I have been feeling very distant and disconnected from you...I want to feel closer to you.

 

VS

 

2. You have been acting cold and distant.

 

You're talking about the same thing....but just going at it from different angles. The first statement won't raise his defenses as much.

 

Practice...and then try it.

[LakesideDream]

Lady Designer, I do feel a great deal of empathy for you. You were strong when your husband cheated (apparently) and you seem to be running out of gas when your own MM threw you under the bus.

 

Giving your situation some thought it's clear that you are not on a wining streak. Believe me I know how it feels to lose battle after battle. It feels like there is no point in fighting anymore. Your self esteem has taken a real thrashing. It's obviously weighing on you heavily.

 

You might want to set your sights on something small and work to achieve something positive. Get in the habit of winning rather than being trashed.

 

Good luck to you, good luck in your future whatever you decide it should be.:bunny:

[ladydesigner]

Lady Designer, I do feel a great deal of empathy for you. You were strong when your husband cheated (apparently) and you seem to be running out of gas when your own MM threw you under the bus.

 

Giving your situation some thought it's clear that you are not on a wining streak. Believe me I know how it feels to lose battle after battle. It feels like there is no point in fighting anymore. Your self esteem has taken a real thrashing. It's obviously weighing on you heavily.

 

You might want to set your sights on something small and work to achieve something positive. Get in the habit of winning rather than being trashed.

 

Good luck to you, good luck in your future whatever you decide it should be.

 

Thank you LakesideDream. I am taking baby steps at the moment. I have faith that my situation will see an answer sometime soon and that one day I will be a much stronger and happier person with or without my husband.

[ladydesigner]

Are you blond?

 

Seriously are you kidding me:laugh:

 

I am a fake blond:laugh: I am really a brunette LOL:laugh:

 

Don't really see your point unless you are stereotyping.

[Spoiled]

Spoiled,

 

Why were you outraged at reason #1 listed above,

My H had ignored and showed no interest in me for a long time?

 

I'm not bashing you or anything, I'm just very curious.

 

Anger at one's spouse is one 'reason' for getting involved in an affair, but I never hear much about anger-at the soon to be BS.

 

When you started your affair with the MM, did you still feel that you loved your husband, or had you felt that your anger toward your husband had killed your love?

 

If you don't want to answer, it's okay! I'm not trying to corner you, spoiled. It's just that your responses sound a lot like my husband's. I feel like I can almost relate to you despite the fact I was the BS...probably more like your husband...but I can 'get' what you're saying. I think our pre-affair marriages were similar.

 

I apologize for the t/j.

 

 

Sunflower,

 

For over a year prior to my A, I approached my H several times crying and pleading for his attention and quality time. I told him that I was unhappy and how overwhelmed I was with his work schedule and our small children. He made no attempts to respond to my requests. I was hurt and felt rejected by him, I never stopped loving him but had to come to the point in which I did not like him. A few months prior to my A, I had given up and just did not care anymore. I was selfish because the A allowed me to get what I needed and maintain my "perfect" lifestyle and family unit.

 

I became very angry with my H when he expected me to immediately let go of my resentments toward him and expect my feelings to revert back to normal. How dare he ignore me for almost two years and demand I let go of the person who filled my voids for a year(I felt like that for months). And lastly outraged because this situation is what made him decide to pay attention and spend time with me and I questioned if his efforts were sincere or because of pride(his W ran off with another man).

 

Please do not misunderstand, I am not blaming him for what I chose to do. And I also felt many other emotions including guilt, shame, and struggles with my spirituality.

[Snowflower]

Sunflower,

 

For over a year prior to my A, I approached my H several times crying and pleading for his attention and quality time. I told him that I was unhappy and how overwhelmed I was with his work schedule and our small children. He made no attempts to respond to my requests. I was hurt and felt rejected by him, I never stopped loving him but had to come to the point in which I did not like him. A few months prior to my A, I had given up and just did not care anymore. I was selfish because the A allowed me to get what I needed and maintain my "perfect" lifestyle and family unit.

 

I became very angry with my H when he expected me to immediately let go of my resentments toward him and expect my feelings to revert back to normal. How dare he ignore me for almost two years and demand I let go of the person who filled my voids for a year(I felt like that for months). And lastly outraged because this situation is what made him decide to pay attention and spend time with me and I questioned if his efforts were sincere or because of pride(his W ran off with another man).

 

Please do not misunderstand, I am not blaming him for what I chose to do. And I also felt many other emotions including guilt, shame, and struggles with my spirituality.

 

Thanks for sharing this with me, Spoiled.

 

I was thinking about what you wrote about anger-I think you wrote this yesterday so last night I asked my husband if he was angry with me before and during his affair, based on our underlying problems. He said that he was-that his hurt had turned to anger about the unresolved issues and my apparent lack of interest in him.

 

So believe it or not, I can understand where you're coming from with this even though I am on the opposite side of the fence.

 

And I also strongly believe that explaining why you did something as you have done here is NOT the same as blaming or excusing. There's a fine distinction between the two that not everyone 'gets.'

 

I take some responsibility/blame for how I treated my husband (and my marriage) pre-affair. I have some culpability-he made the decision to handle our relationship problems in a very poor manner (his A) but I take a lot of the responsibility for our issues from before.

 

My husband from what I can tell felt quite similar to what you describe, although he didn't cry and plead with me about how unhappy he was until he was too far gone. I'm generalizing, but most men don't express feelings like this well and my husband was no exception.

 

Spoiled, some of what you mention above is almost verbatim to what my husband has told me at that horrible point last year and again many times since we reconciled. MC/IC and self-reflection has made my husband much better at opening and explaining his thoughts/feelings. Especially where you say you had given up and just didn't care anymore, all similar-he also said that he never stopped loving me. Even when he was involved in his affair and things were going wrong between us-he still said and acted like he loved me.

 

My husband has described his anger toward me at that time similar to what you write above. He asked me, 'why do you seem to care now?' He was outraged that it was only once he became distant and pulled away that I finally noticed. And he did doubt my sincerity...he thought I was trying to hang on to the marriage out of security and wanting to maintain the status quo-not because I loved HIM.

 

However, my husband didn't hold onto his resentment once he realized I was sincere. He is not one to stay mad (it's a nice personality trait of his) and I couldn't figure out at the time why he wouldn't just let whatever it was go and work on the marriage with me. It took months and he had to disengage himself from the affair first.

 

So Spoiled, how are things in your marriage now? Do you believe your husband's efforts are sincere?

[Snowflower]

I am taking responsibility for my actions. Trust me I do not feel good about anything I have done...anything! I'm just flat out angry...at myself...at him...at my husband...everything. I hope that I can find peace next because this stage just does not feel good.

 

And yes all of you are right... I did let him in... I did fall for all the words and BS. I was stupid enough to allow a friendship (big mistake). I did allow him to make NC. I understand what all of you are saying. I am really mad at xOM right now and never have been before. These feelings have really caught me off guard.

 

Ladydesigner, I sense that you taking responsibility for your actions. It gets tiring to hear others harp on you about this--just because you are angry at the xOM, or even at the situation itself, doesn't mean you aren't taking responsibility.

 

I'm a FBS so yes, my perspective is different but I personally think if you need to be angry at xOM for awhile then go for it. He obviously wasn't a man of integrity. Yes, you did what you did, but he wasn't exactly an innocent bystander. It's sort of like when a BS is mad at the OW/OM and they are told they should really be mad at their WS-yes that's true but again, the OW/OM played a role, too -they were not innocent either.

 

Hang in there LD, this anger directed outward is probably a part of your healing process. It will pass!

[Spoiled]

I take some responsibility/blame for how I treated my husband (and my marriage) pre-affair. I have some culpability-he made the decision to handle our relationship problems in a very poor manner (his A) but I take a lot of the responsibility for our issues from before.

 

Spoiled, some of what you mention above is almost verbatim to what my husband has told me at that horrible point last year and again many times since we reconciled. MC/IC and self-reflection has made my husband much better at opening and explaining his thoughts/feelings. Especially where you say you had given up and just didn't care anymore, all similar-he also said that he never stopped loving me. Even when he was involved in his affair and things were going wrong between us-he still said and acted like he loved me.

 

My husband has described his anger toward me at that time similar to what you write above. He asked me, 'why do you seem to care now?' He was outraged that it was only once he became distant and pulled away that I finally noticed. And he did doubt my sincerity...he thought I was trying to hang on to the marriage out of security and wanting to maintain the status quo-not because I loved HIM.

 

However, my husband didn't hold onto his resentment once he realized I was sincere. He is not one to stay mad (it's a nice personality trait of his) and I couldn't figure out at the time why he wouldn't just let whatever it was go and work on the marriage with me. It took months and he had to disengage himself from the affair first.

 

So Spoiled, how are things in your marriage now? Do you believe your husband's efforts are sincere?

 

 

My H has handled this much like you. I felt so much guilt when he apologized stating he had abandoned and neglected me. I still believe my feelings toward the xMM was love, we knew each other for many years prior. I confronted my H even more during the A because I desperately wanted my H, not the xMM, to excite me and make me feel loved. Desperate because I knew my M and family would be ruined if we did not reconnect.

 

We have made great gains in all areas. We are in in IC and MC, reading marriage books, communicating more(quality and quantity), and more dates nights. Unfortunately, I do miss my xMM at times but it keeps getting better. My H and I are more open now than ever. I believe my honesty with his questions is helping him with trusting me and my recognition of the qualities that initially attracted me to him: patience, understanding, forgiving, loving, kind and the list goes on.

[Fallen Angel]

Lady D,

I am VERY new to this site. And i have read only a few of the responses to you, but felt compelled to respond quickly since the first few posts I read seemed "angry" towards you. I understand your need for anger, and i am glad that you have reached that point. It means you are closer to healing. Your thread is not the place for me to tell my story, but I understand where you are coming from. I hope someday to be able to find within myself that righteous anger, because I am still the OW looking for the strength to be the xOW. Allow yourself all the anger you feel, it is so much better than the sorrow and pain that I know you must have been feeling prior to the anger. Keep your chin up, next should come a letting go, and then you will be free to try to find a healthy loving relationship, whether that is fixing it with your H or moving on. Good Luck.