I am really angry now

[ladydesigner]

I don't know why it took me so long to get to this point, but the only way I feel now towards my xOM is really REALLY angry. I no longer miss him, have feelings, I don't want to be his friend, I don't want him to contact me EVER, and I really can say that he makes it to the top of my S**t List of number one A**holes.

 

I am angry because he:

 

1. Lured me in when I was most vulnerable.

 

2. Knowingly pursued me even though I was unhappily married with kids.

 

3. Was not a real friend.

 

4. For trying to stay friends.

 

5. For telling me all the lies and BS.

 

and for

 

6. Breaking No Contact... what a jerk

 

If anyone else wants to vent on anything that makes them really angry about their MM, MW, OM, or OW or even BS....fire away!!!

 

 

Phew I feel much better now

[LakesideDream]

LadyDesigner, Your post troubles me. How could a MM "lure you in"? We are humans with copious free will. We are not fish who are driven by instinct to hit a lure.

 

Knowingly pursued? That's a universal constant in extramarital affairs. You had to encourage him at some point.

 

Take some responsibility for your own actions. Please.

[jennifer4]

I don't see how 1 person could be at fault? The Ow or Om isn't the only one to blame.. The MM or MM is just as much at fault, they are the ones going outside their marriage and trying to become involved in an A. That's my opinion.. Sure, I could have looked the other way when I found out he was married, but I didn't.. He could have not pursued me, but he didn't. Both at fault...

[whichwayisup]

I am angry because he:

 

1. Lured me in when I was most vulnerable.

 

You let him in.. Did you refuse his advances? Say no, I'm married? Albeit, unhappy? Don't put it ALL on him..Lakey is right, you have to own up in your part in this.. He may have lied to you, but you knew he was married as well. You chose to believe his lies. Be angry at yourself too!!

 

2

. Knowingly pursued me even though I was unhappily married with kids

 

See above..

 

3. Was not a real friend.

 

And, you weren't his. Sorry, but an affair is selfish and self serving. Neither of you were thinking of your spouses during the A.

 

4. For trying to stay friends.

 

Did you allow his friendship? Or did you completely go NC and ignore him?

 

5. For telling me all the lies and BS.

 

You chose to believe them, even knowing full well he was married..

 

and for

 

6. Breaking No Contact... what a jerk

 

He can break NC all he wants, but did you block his email, not answer the phone, refuse to see him face to face? Slam the door in his face?

 

I know you're pissed, that's great! But, don't put this all on him. It takes two to tango, and each of you are just as responsible for having the affair.

[Devil Inside]

LD....from what I understand anger is part of the process of grieving a relationship...could be you are there.

 

I know that you expressing your emotions may come off as you not taking responsibility I am going to look at it as just your side of why you are angry. Besides, you are not saying that you were not responsible for this as well...I have never seen you write that anywhere.

 

So yes...be angry...I think it will help you to heal. He did do a lot of things that were the exact opposite of what he said. As did you. That's why As are so destructive...all this talk of love and it is actually such an unloving act to cross another person's martial boundaries.

[TogetherForever]

I don't know why it took me so long to get to this point, but the only way I feel now towards my xOM is really REALLY angry. I no longer miss him, have feelings, I don't want to be his friend, I don't want him to contact me EVER, and I really can say that he makes it to the top of my S**t List of number one A**holes.

 

I am angry because he:

 

1. Lured me in when I was most vulnerable.

 

2. Knowingly pursued me even though I was unhappily married with kids.

 

3. Was not a real friend.

 

4. For trying to stay friends.

 

5. For telling me all the lies and BS.

 

and for

 

6. Breaking No Contact... what a jerk

 

If anyone else wants to vent on anything that makes them really angry about their MM, MW, OM, or OW or even BS....fire away!!!

 

 

Phew I feel much better now

 

LD,

You allowed him to do these things ya know.

People treat you the way you allow them to.

[ladydesigner]

I am taking responsibility for my actions. Trust me I do not feel good about anything I have done...anything! I'm just flat out angry...at myself...at him...at my husband...everything. I hope that I can find peace next because this stage just does not feel good.

 

And yes all of you are right... I did let him in... I did fall for all the words and BS. I was stupid enough to allow a friendship (big mistake). I did allow him to make NC. I understand what all of you are saying. I am really mad at xOM right now and never have been before. These feelings have really caught me off guard.

[ladydesigner]

LD,

You allowed him to do these things ya know.

People treat you the way you allow them to.

 

I guess so

[LakesideDream]

LadyDesigner, If you are trying to recover your marriage, anger will not be an asset. The OM is/was just being what he is/was... a self serving jerk. Accept that, and move away from it.

 

As for being angry with your husband. You'll have to explain that. I understand being dissapointed with his efforts in the marriage... however did he leave the marriage to have his needs met? If not, your anger is mostly misplaced. If not, shouldn't you be working toward a stronger marriage?

[ladydesigner]

s for being angry with your husband. You'll have to explain that. I understand being dissapointed with his efforts in the marriage... however did he leave the marriage to have his needs met? If not, your anger is mostly misplaced. If not, shouldn't you be working toward a stronger marriage?

 

No Lakeside I wish my anger was misplaced. I am mad at my husband for having cheated on me as well. His were long before I had ever entered my A.

 

I know I need to let this go... the anger that is...

[LakesideDream]

If no children are involved, why not just leave, become responsible for yourself, and work through the anger on your own?

 

Children do change the above.

[Die Hard]

LadyDesigner, anger is part of the process of getting over something like this. Just keep at it and as long as you are healthy mentally, the anger will fade. Eventually you'll become indifferent to the whole thing(except for not wanting to ever do it again hopefully)

 

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. If you are thinking bad thoughts about the MM you were seeing and are blaming him, so what? Do and think whatever you need to help you heal. Who's fault it was matters zero as long as you get out and never do it again.

 

You just have to give it time and you'll be alright. Congrats and good luck...and just remember: the anger is a lot better than the pining and longing for someone you cannot have!! Anything is bettter than that!!

[ladydesigner]

LadyDesigner, anger is part of the process of getting over something like this. Just keep at it and as long as you are healthy mentally, the anger will fade. Eventually you'll become indifferent to the whole thing(except for not wanting to ever do it again hopefully)

 

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. If you are thinking bad thoughts about the MM you were seeing and are blaming him, so what? Do and think whatever you need to help you heal. Who's fault it was matters zero as long as you get out and never do it again.

 

You just have to give it time and you'll be alright. Congrats and good luck...and just remember: the anger is a lot better than the pining and longing for someone you cannot have!! Anything is bettter than that!!

 

Thank You Die Hard. Your words were very thoughtful and made me feel a lot better. The part I bolded is exactly how I feel. This was the first affair I had ever had and I do not ever want to relive this experience again.

 

You are right anger is a lot better than pinning for xOM

 

If no children are involved, why not just leave, become responsible for yourself, and work through the anger on your own?

 

LakesideDream I am seriously considering a separation from my husband to sort through all my issues. There are kids involved that is the hard part.

 

Thank you everyone for your replies, some were hard to swallow, but I do learn from all of you even if it is hard to hear.

[Spoiled]

Ladydesigner,

 

I understand, one day I became outraged for several reasons:

1. My H had ignored and showed no interest in me for a long time.

2. The OM never changed his tune once discovered, yet wasn't packing up either.

3. How did I allow myself to be involved in such a mess.

4. I betrayed a really good friend.

There were so many other reasons. I was sending my xOM some really hateful messages for a few days. I still cannot believe he did not flea during that period. The anger for me lasted for a week or so than I accepted what had happened. It will get better. I have not been brave enough to start a thread.

[silktricks]

I am taking responsibility for my actions. Trust me I do not feel good about anything I have done...anything! I'm just flat out angry...at myself...at him...at my husband...everything. I hope that I can find peace next because this stage just does not feel good.

 

And yes all of you are right... I did let him in... I did fall for all the words and BS. I was stupid enough to allow a friendship (big mistake). I did allow him to make NC. I understand what all of you are saying. I am really mad at xOM right now and never have been before. These feelings have really caught me off guard.

 

I say, go with the anger towards him. Sure, it was you, too, but a person can only direct so much anger towards themselves before it becomes self defeating.

 

It's better imo to be good and pissed at the guy then to be wallowing in missing him. Seems to me that you are finally facing who and what he really was.

 

Like I said - go with the anger, is my opinion.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't know why it took me so long to get to this point, but the only way I feel now towards my xOM is really REALLY angry. I no longer miss him, have feelings, I don't want to be his friend, I don't want him to contact me EVER, and I really can say that he makes it to the top of my S**t List of number one A**holes.

 

I am angry because he:

 

1. Lured me in when I was most vulnerable.

 

2. Knowingly pursued me even though I was unhappily married with kids.

 

3. Was not a real friend.

 

4. For trying to stay friends.

 

5. For telling me all the lies and BS.

 

and for

 

6. Breaking No Contact... what a jerk

 

If anyone else wants to vent on anything that makes them really angry about their MM, MW, OM, or OW or even BS....fire away!!!

 

 

Phew I feel much better now

 

I take it you are married since you refer to him as xOM.

 

So, having said that......you are cheating on your husband....and this OM is the jerk? oh my:o

 

If I was to have stayed with a cheating wife, and she told me all the things you just said, I'd have laughed in her face.

[Snowflower]

Ladydesigner,

 

I understand, one day I became outraged for several reasons:

1. My H had ignored and showed no interest in me for a long time.

2. The OM never changed his tune once discovered, yet wasn't packing up either.

3. How did I allow myself to be involved in such a mess.

4. I betrayed a really good friend.

There were so many other reasons. I was sending my xOM some really hateful messages for a few days. I still cannot believe he did not flea during that period. The anger for me lasted for a week or so than I accepted what had happened. It will get better. I have not been brave enough to start a thread.

 

Spoiled,

 

Why were you outraged at reason #1 listed above,

My H had ignored and showed no interest in me for a long time?

 

I'm not bashing you or anything, I'm just very curious.

 

Anger at one's spouse is one 'reason' for getting involved in an affair, but I never hear much about anger-at the soon to be BS.

 

When you started your affair with the MM, did you still feel that you loved your husband, or had you felt that your anger toward your husband had killed your love?

 

If you don't want to answer, it's okay! I'm not trying to corner you, spoiled. It's just that your responses sound a lot like my husband's. I feel like I can almost relate to you despite the fact I was the BS...probably more like your husband...but I can 'get' what you're saying. I think our pre-affair marriages were similar.

 

I apologize for the t/j.

[ladydesigner]

take it you are married since you refer to him as xOM.

 

So, having said that......you are cheating on your husband....and this OM is the jerk? oh my

 

If I was to have stayed with a cheating wife, and she told me all the things you just said, I'd have laughed in her face.

 

 

You have always humored me Dex.

 

Well my husband cheated on me as well should I laugh in his face?

[jwi71]

You have always humored me Dex.

 

Well my husband cheated on me as well should I laugh in his face?

 

With him cheating on you and you him...why stay married? What's left?

[ladydesigner]

With him cheating on you and you him...why stay married? What's left?

 

I know...right now at this moment...it's for the kids. Not sure if we will stay married.

[jwi71]

I know...right now at this moment...it's for the kids. Not sure if we will stay married.

 

You didn't ask but I'll give you my opinion and what I lived.

 

I didn't stay for the kids. I couldn't. So I divorced my now ex-wife.

 

And my kids are fine. They adjusted (6 and 4 are their ages). Are adjusting.

 

The one thing I couldn't do was live with the ex. I simply couldn't do it. And I choose, in my own beliefs, that two happier, less tense divorced parents were better than a family unit under constant strife. I want them to grow up happy, with happy parents in happy relationships. Not under a "cloud".

 

Best wishes to you and your children...protect them at all costs...and sometimes that means we, as parents, lose to do what is best for them.

 

What is best for your children?

[Devil Inside]

I say, go with the anger towards him. Sure, it was you, too, but a person can only direct so much anger towards themselves before it becomes self defeating.

 

It's better imo to be good and pissed at the guy then to be wallowing in missing him. Seems to me that you are finally facing who and what he really was.

 

Like I said - go with the anger, is my opinion.

 

I agree completely.

 

Wish I could get mad at anyone but myself right now.

[ladydesigner]

You didn't ask but I'll give you my opinion and what I lived.

 

I didn't stay for the kids. I couldn't. So I divorced my now ex-wife.

 

And my kids are fine. They adjusted (6 and 4 are their ages). Are adjusting.

 

The one thing I couldn't do was live with the ex. I simply couldn't do it. And I choose, in my own beliefs, that two happier, less tense divorced parents were better than a family unit under constant strife. I want them to grow up happy, with happy parents in happy relationships. Not under a "cloud".

 

Best wishes to you and your children...protect them at all costs...and sometimes that means we, as parents, lose to do what is best for them.

 

What is best for your children?

 

Thank you for you words of experience. i often wonder how it would be "for the kids" if I leave. Me and my husband do not fight anymore like we did around his A and mine.

 

We are amicable, but like roommates. There doesn't seem to be a lot of love here on either side. Lately my H has become very distant and it has got me thinking he may be up to something again. I have always been the one to just look the other way.

 

I am very unhappy in my marriage. My H is a really good father to the kids and they love him very much and that's what hurts me the most in making a decision to leave. I really believe I would be happier alone, with no one. I have no desire to date or have another A (ever again). I only want to live a peaceful life and focus 100% on my kids, they are everything to me.

 

I feel weak and in need of help. When my insurance kicks in I am going to seek IC, maybe that will help me get stronger.

[Devil Inside]

Thank you for you words of experience. i often wonder how it would be "for the kids" if I leave. Me and my husband do not fight anymore like we did around his A and mine.

 

We are amicable, but like roommates. There doesn't seem to be a lot of love here on either side. Lately my H has become very distant and it has got me thinking he may be up to something again. I have always been the one to just look the other way.

 

I am very unhappy in my marriage. My H is a really good father to the kids and they love him very much and that's what hurts me the most in making a decision to leave. I really believe I would be happier alone, with no one. I have no desire to date or have another A (ever again). I only want to live a peaceful life and focus 100% on my kids, they are everything to me.

 

I feel weak and in need of help. When my insurance kicks in I am going to seek IC, maybe that will help me get stronger.

 

 

LD get thee to IC. I really think that you need some professional guidance to make these big decisions.

 

I know that IC is helping me...I would be even more of a mess without it...if you can believe that.

 

I am not a person that thinks people should stay married just for the kids...it's not enough. Besides, you want to model a good relationship for them. However, divorce does effect kids and if there is hope that your marriage can improve...well then it may be worth a shot to save.

 

Big life changing decisions that are well worth the investment of therapy.

[ladydesigner]

Yes DI I can't get into therapy quick enough. I was in therapy for years for my childhood issues in the past and it really does help. I know I need it.

 

Lately I am not so sure my H even wants to be married. He is like a zombie right now, we don't really talk anymore, it has been driving me crazy.

 

I know one thing, I rather do enjoy being alone and I know this because when my H is gone or I am out of town at my parents I don't ever feel like I miss him, I almost feel relieved. That's pretty bad.