Ruby Slippers Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Last weekend I had a bit of a meltdown, and a bad drug experience. I was supposed to meet two friends at a party. I called the guy and told him I couldn't make it because I was having a bad drug experience. I am pretty sure my anxiety and fear came through on the message I left. I called the other friend and told her the same thing, and she offered to come over and be there for me, or anything else I needed. The guy called back and basically said, OK, no problem, see you next time. He didn't ask how I was or offer any help or anything. I should mention that this guy and I have been getting a little closer as friends, and I have done a few things to be a good friend when he was down and out, always showing a lot of support and concern for his well-being. More than once he has told me he is grateful for my support and friendship. But it seems to go only one way. When a friend is having a bad drug experience, I think that's an automatic cue to at LEAST ask if the person is OK. He didn't even do that. Since then, the female friend told me he has texted her a couple of times and said things like, "Too bad you guys couldn't make it to the party," whatever, not even acknowledging that I was a friend in need and she was there for me. She told me she responded and basically said, "Dude, she was in a bad situation, needed a friend, and I did the right thing." She and I have both been noticing more and more that this guy does not really show empathy or concern for other people. To me, that is really basic in any friendship. So, getting to the point, he invited me, this friend, and this other guy out to do something this weekend, and I totally don't want to go. He wasn't there for me in any way when things were really precarious, and that was quite a let-down. I don't want people like that in my life. I now consider him a low-quality friend. I'd rather not waste my energy being friends with someone who doesn't even show basic concern toward me. My question is: Do I communicate to him how I feel, or just decline the invitation and stop hanging out with him? He doesn't owe me anything, and I don't feel that comfortable communicating my feelings to him, since we're really not that close. But part of me thinks it's unfair not to explain why I'm pulling away, not to at least give him a chance to respond. What do you think?
WTRanger Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Wow, I'm in a similar situation with a girl. I was there for her in her down times and when I needed support she always had something else more important. Even in my worst stretch of months this year, I still tried to be there for her. Sort of a helping you helps me sort of way. Like the guy in your case, she seems eternally grateful for my help, but does not return it in away way or returns it in carefully measured steps. I'm stuck as well. It's frustrating, but will it solve anything to let these people know? If they have shown they really don't give a sh*t, what makes us think that they will all of a sudden start caring? Is it just a ploy to make you feel better, ie get it off your chest? The thing is, I still care about this person but I don't know whether I should strangle them or hug them. Honestly, I think doing nothing and moving on would be the best way. But that just seems as passive aggressive as they are. Do you honestly think he would respond in the way YOU would want him to respond? Or would he give a vanilla, if any, response? The person in my case is what I like to call a "buffet" responder. She picks and chooses what she wants to respond to and leaves the rest. It's really annoying. If he did respond, and it wasn't what you expected or wanted, how would that affect you? Better? Worse? Would it help you move on or would you still hold onto this with a death grip? I ask, because I myself am battling those very questions.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 He's been e-mailing me daily since the incident and has texted and called a couple of times (frequency is unusual), so maybe he knows what's up? I finally just declined the weekend invitation, with no explanation. He e-mailed back, said he was worried about me, and told me to call if I wanted to. We e-mailed back and forth a few times, and he said something about how friends have to stick together. So, in a non-blaming way, I told him what was on my mind. Haven't heard back, but it feels good and right to have communicated where I stand. Just pulling away didn't feel fair. I would hate for someone to do that to me if I'd hurt her feelings, with no explanation. WTR, I don't expect any response of any particular kind from him. I just think it's important to communicate honestly, and say what is true for you. I hope you are able to navigate your situation OK, too.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Aww, he wrote back a sincere apology, saying he thought I just needed to sleep it off and didn't realize I might need any help. I am concerned that this guy seems to lack some basic social graces, and I don't want to have to teach him to have manners and show elemental respect and compassion. He says he wants to talk. Ugh, I don't like confrontation with friends. At least he's being sincerely apologetic.
Thornton Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 If you're going to take drugs then whatever happens to you is your own problem, nobody else's. Does this guy take drugs himself? If not, then how can you expect him to have any sympathy for your own drug addiction? Perhaps he isn't acknowledging you any more because he doesn't want to be friends with a druggie? Just a thought...
green_tea Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 He's given a sincere apology and a reason for his behaviour - if I was in your position I'd be very happy with that. I don't think it's a case of you having to teach him basic manners - everyone is different and has different ways of dealing with things - especially guys. It sounds like you want everybody to do exactly what you would do in a situation, and really you are not going to get that. You did the right thing - you told him what was bothering you, he was contrite, now you can both move on, there is no need for anymore confrontation. But in the end you have to do what you feel most comfortable with. Good luck.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Does this guy take drugs himself? He's a total pothead and has smoked way more weed than I ever will. Neither of us does hard drugs -- we just smoke weed. And after last weekend, I'm not planning to touch it for a long, long time. Not easy, because most of my friends right now are bohemian musicians and artists, and the weed is always high-grade and free-flowing. I need to make some straight-edge friends, I guess. (haha While I'm writing this, a friend I'm meeting at a bar tonight texted and asked if I wanted to come over and smoke beforehand. Temptation is everywhere! I said no, thanks.) I called 6 or 7 people that night, and every single one of them, even out-of-state friends, asked if I was OK and asked if they could do anything -- except him. I don't think it's a case of you having to teach him basic manners - everyone is different and has different ways of dealing with things - especially guys. Another friend that I introduced him to recently has noticed the same lack of basic social graces and empathy. I think he's one of those people who has a hard time empathizing with others -- to me, this is an unattractive quality in a friend. friendship should not be oneway it should be mutual. so dont hesitate to get away from him. But make him understand how you feel and then get away. He has called and e-mailed me several times since the apology, and he sounds sincerely sorry about it. I e-mailed him today and said I have a lot of stuff to do and am frankly tired of talking about it (as I did all week with the friends who were calling to check in on me), but said I'll call him this weekend if I get a chance, and reassured him that I accept his very sincere apology. I still feel the need to self-protect a little, but I won't cut him out entirely.
alphamale Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 you decline the invite and stop hangin' out with him
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Man, he just wrote back to that last e-mail (excerpt): "Oh Ruby, thanks so much for writing back. I would be devastated if we were not friends." He seems so stoic, it's hard for me to imagine that he could ever be devastated about anything. Men are so confounding.
2sunny Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 it is very difficult to teach someone empathy. it is either there- or it's not. he may not have it. if you don't like it- move on. ps... it may be possible that your "perspective" is being clouded by your drug use. spend some time with him when you both aren't partying and see if things may "appear" different than when you are using.
Author Ruby Slippers Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 Ehhhh. I hung out with him today (no weed!), and while he did apologize for not "being there for me", he also later made a rude, insensitive comment about something unrelated that totally hurt my feelings. I don't think he meant to do that at all -- he's just oblivious. Another friend and I have talked about the fact that he seems to lack normal sensitivity and social graces. I don't even feel like saying anything to him about it, though. I don't want to get into this weird dynamic where I keep having to teach him how to be nice. That seems ridiculous. What I want to do is just not hang out with him anymore. I feel kind of bad about that, though, as it seems unfair. And if I don't accept his invitations, he just keeps contacting me and eventually asking what's wrong. Good thing I'm talking to my counselor tomorrow. First time in months -- I need it.
davo1224 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 He doesn't necessarily need to be understanding or concerned with your drug experiences. You're doing it to yourself and from what you told me, you just smoked weed. As many negative opinions as I have of it, it won't kill you. If I'm understanding correctly he probably doesn't quite know how to express "what a dumb stoner" in a nice and supportive way so he chooses to say nothing.
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