Dark-Farmer Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Me and my girlfriend, who I’ve been with for 11 months now, have not had sex for 2 weeks. She hasn’t been in the mood lately. Now I’ve heard girls say guys shouldn’t expect sex so on and so forth. But I wanted to express this situation and what’s going on in my head from the male perspective, because not all men are just sex starved monsters. Now I’ve heard this a thousand times “guys shouldn’t expect sex”. That is both true and false in my opinion. An example of true is if you have a guy who just plays video games or watches TV all day and ignores his girlfriend and then expect to go to bed and get it on, yeah that’s expecting when you don’t really deserve it. I can see for a girl would feel like an object. Now an example of false, hopefully, I’ll go out on a limb and use my case. I love my girlfriend, I take her out all the time for dinner, movie, to the mall, and her families house all things I have done recently. I give her attention, she is extremely important to me. However when we get home she’s never in the mood. So is it wrong for me to expect something? Now I want to rephrase my view of “expect” sex. I don’t expect her to sleep with me because I do stuff for or with her. I love her and she does me, so what I expect is her to want to have sex, I want to. We normally have a pretty decent sex life. Now it isn’t just about getting my rocks off, which is what I think lots of girls do think when a guy wants sex. It about how it makes me feel; it makes me feel unattractive, unwanted, like I’m doing something wrong, perhaps like she doesn’t feel the same way about me. It generally makes me upset or sad, not to be mistaken with angry. So I would like to get some feedback on my situation, but also would like to hear both female and male opinions on this issue. Negative or positive.
sumdude Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Possibly, something is bothering her. It may be the relationship or something else completely. It may be that she's getting too much of your attention. Before anyone's jumps on that... The fact that it's making you feel unwanted or unloved tells me you might be looking for some external validation and approval. Sex can be one way to get that. She is probably picking up on your being sad or angry about it.. this is a turnoff. It can be pressure on her to feel like she's responsible for your happiness or feeling of self worth. I've learned a few things in life though not enough yet... usually the hard way. My advice? Be satisfied with yourself. Do some things to make yourself happy. Give her some space right now before she asks for it. Give yourself some space and do some things on your own that you enjoy. I don't mean play some game or disappear but spend a little less time doing things for her and more on yourself. Also, at some point you might want to ask if anything is bothering her.
norajane Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I love my girlfriend, I take her out all the time for dinner, movie, to the mall, and her families house all things I have done recently. I give her attention, she is extremely important to me. However when we get home she’s never in the mood. So is it wrong for me to expect something? Do you flirt with her and tease her and make her feel sexy? Do you caress her thigh in the car? Do you kiss her neck and whisper in her ear at the movie that you can't wait to take her home? Do you look into her eyes over dinner like she's naked right there at the table? Getting in the mood for sex, for many women, starts long it's time to go to bed. Because all of those things you described that you do for her, while nice, don't necessarily add up to passion nor would they make her feel like having sex. And, I agree with sumdude. Don't live in her pocket all the time. Have your own interests and activities that are meaninful to you away from her. Give her the space to develop a longing for you, that "oh, get over here, I missed you!" kind of passion.
BCCA Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I find there is a pretty close relationship between your sex life and the strength of the relationship. Everytime Ive had the sex plummet, especially none in 2 weeks with ample opportunities, its meant bad things for my relationship. norajane makes some good points as well. I know some wont admit it, but once youre with a girl long term, you kind of have to work harder and harder to get laid. The usual wont cut it anymore, it'll take a romantic night and some extended foreplay. Women get bored with sex much easier than we do, and they dont need it as much. Bad combo. Id talk to her about it. 'Im just not in the mood' is BS, IMO. Ive heard that before, and it never ended up being the reason. Something is bothering her.
stepka Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I find there is a pretty close relationship between your sex life and the strength of the relationship. Everytime Ive had the sex plummet, especially none in 2 weeks with ample opportunities, its meant bad things for my relationship. norajane makes some good points as well. I know some wont admit it, but once youre with a girl long term, you kind of have to work harder and harder to get laid. The usual wont cut it anymore, it'll take a romantic night and some extended foreplay. Women get bored with sex much easier than we do, and they dont need it as much. Bad combo. Id talk to her about it. 'Im just not in the mood' is BS, IMO. Ive heard that before, and it never ended up being the reason. Something is bothering her. I agree with the first paragraph and the last one, but as for the second one: I was married for 23 years and I never made my husband go without for 2 weeks for no reason. He certainly wasn't doing all that--he never even gave me a compliment. Honestly, if ever I lost that much interest in sex with a man, I think the relationship would be over b/c it would mean that I just didn't care anymore.
carhill Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Honestly, if ever I lost that much interest in sex with a man, I think the relationship would be over b/c it would mean that I just didn't care anymore. My name is carhill, I'm a man and I approve this message
aerogurl87 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Me and my girlfriend, who I’ve been with for 11 months now, have not had sex for 2 weeks. She hasn’t been in the mood lately. Now I’ve heard girls say guys shouldn’t expect sex so on and so forth. But I wanted to express this situation and what’s going on in my head from the male perspective, because not all men are just sex starved monsters. Now I’ve heard this a thousand times “guys shouldn’t expect sex”. That is both true and false in my opinion. An example of true is if you have a guy who just plays video games or watches TV all day and ignores his girlfriend and then expect to go to bed and get it on, yeah that’s expecting when you don’t really deserve it. I can see for a girl would feel like an object. Now an example of false, hopefully, I’ll go out on a limb and use my case. I love my girlfriend, I take her out all the time for dinner, movie, to the mall, and her families house all things I have done recently. I give her attention, she is extremely important to me. However when we get home she’s never in the mood. So is it wrong for me to expect something? Now I want to rephrase my view of “expect” sex. I don’t expect her to sleep with me because I do stuff for or with her. I love her and she does me, so what I expect is her to want to have sex, I want to. We normally have a pretty decent sex life. Now it isn’t just about getting my rocks off, which is what I think lots of girls do think when a guy wants sex. It about how it makes me feel; it makes me feel unattractive, unwanted, like I’m doing something wrong, perhaps like she doesn’t feel the same way about me. It generally makes me upset or sad, not to be mistaken with angry. So I would like to get some feedback on my situation, but also would like to hear both female and male opinions on this issue. Negative or positive. Aww I'm sorry. I'm a girl and when I'm in a committed relationship with someone I love, I have to have sex at least everyday with my boyfriend if possible, so maybe I'm a little biased. With that said, talk to her and tell her how you feel. I don't think it's selfish for you to want sex from her. I mean two weeks is a long time if you're in a relationship in which you are sexually active with your partner. I'd have went nuts by now, lol. But yeah explain it to her, and if she says that she feels like your just making her a sex object try to explain it in terms she may understand. Let's put it this way, if she got dressed up one night for a romantic evening you two had planned, and you looked at her and said "babe, you look nice, but I think I wanna just stay in", wouldn't she be pissed off? I mean she would've went through all of that for you and you didn't even show your appreciation for her. Well it's the same with you, it's not that you just want sex with anyone, but you want sex with HER because of the way it makes you feel when you have sex with her. I'd tell her something like that.
norajane Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I agree with the first paragraph and the last one, but as for the second one: I was married for 23 years and I never made my husband go without for 2 weeks for no reason. He certainly wasn't doing all that--he never even gave me a compliment. Honestly, if ever I lost that much interest in sex with a man, I think the relationship would be over b/c it would mean that I just didn't care anymore. That's fine, except they aren't married and haven't committed to a lifetime together. They're just dating. So it's not outside the realm of possibility that she might appreciate a little tempting and teasing in their relationship to get her in the mood, rather than just going to the movies or visiting family followed by the expectation they hop in the sack. That's exactly the kind of thing that would cause a girl to lose interest in having sex with her guy. If there's no more romance and flirtation and foreplay that starts long before they go to bed while their relationship is still fresh and new in the first year of dating, that can be very disappointing and can lead to loss of desire to have sex. They're not an old married couple who has been there, done that. They should still be excited to explore each other. But if it's just hey, we're home, let's get it on, blah! Boring!
norajane Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Let's put it this way, if she got dressed up one night for a romantic evening you two had planned, and you looked at her and said "babe, you look nice, but I think I wanna just stay in", wouldn't she be pissed off? I mean she would've went through all of that for you and you didn't even show your appreciation for her. Well it's the same with you, it's not that you just want sex with anyone, but you want sex with HER because of the way it makes you feel when you have sex with her. I'd tell her something like that. Did he plan a romantic evening and get dressed up and she turned him down? Or did he take her to the movies, drive home, and expect her to be turned on? Did he "go through all that for her"? I didn't read anything in his post that indicated he did.
carhill Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Not being married is a plus. If his balls are blue and she don't care, next No splitting of houses, businesses and retirements. They've been dating 11 months. One wonders if she's expecting this to progress and is not getting any vibe of that from him, deflating her libido. OP, read this quote: It's about how it makes me feel; it makes me feel unattractive, unwanted, like I’m doing something wrong Tell her this. Only this. Listen. Your truth will come
aerogurl87 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Did he plan a romantic evening and get dressed up and she turned him down? Or did he take her to the movies, drive home, and expect her to be turned on? Did he "go through all that for her"? I didn't read anything in his post that indicated he did. I'm not saying he did all that for her, I'm saying that maybe he should tell her that in order for her to understand how he feels about the situation. Basically he needs to create some empathy here. And he said he took her out to dinner and a movie, who knows, maybe it could've been a romantic dinner. And if he's taking her to the mall, I assume he's going shopping with her and possibly buying her stuff, which is hard to get with any guy from my experience. So yeah, sounds to me like he's being a great boyfriend who just wants his needs to be met by this girl that he loves. At least he's trying to talk to her about it instead of just going out and getting his rocks off elsewhere.
norajane Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I'm not saying he did all that for her, I'm saying that maybe he should tell her that in order for her to understand how he feels about the situation. Basically he needs to create some empathy here. And he said he took her out to dinner and a movie, who knows, maybe it could've been a romantic dinner. And if he's taking her to the mall, I assume he's going shopping with her and possibly buying her stuff, which is hard to get with any guy from my experience. So yeah, sounds to me like he's being a great boyfriend who just wants his needs to be met by this girl that he loves. At least he's trying to talk to her about it instead of just going out and getting his rocks off elsewhere. I understand what you're saying. My point is that doing those things isn't necessarily a sexual turn-on for her. And I'd think that he would want her to feel passionate about him (turned on), rather than having sex with him out of obligation because he bought her a pair of shoes. If he's not doing anything to turn her on, and the romance has dwindled, then no amount of shopping at the mall is going to make her want to rip his clothes off. Revving up her desire by making her feel sexy and special through flirtation and temptation leads to way better sex than using an approach that is supposed to make her feel obligated, or worse, feel sorry for him. I don't know what he has or hasn't done, so am suggesting what I think would be a better approach than playing the obligation or pity card, or ugh, nagging about his needs. If he has been romantic, then sure, by all means and mention you've noticed she hasn't been interested in sex and are concerned there might be something wrong.
aerogurl87 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I understand what you're saying. My point is that doing those things isn't necessarily a sexual turn-on for her. And I'd think that he would want her to feel passionate about him (turned on), rather than having sex with him out of obligation because he bought her a pair of shoes. If he's not doing anything to turn her on, and the romance has dwindled, then no amount of shopping at the mall is going to make her want to rip his clothes off. Revving up her desire by making her feel sexy and special through flirtation and temptation leads to way better sex than using an approach that is supposed to make her feel obligated, or worse, feel sorry for him. I don't know what he has or hasn't done, so am suggesting what I think would be a better approach than playing the obligation or pity card, or ugh, nagging about his needs. If he has been romantic, then sure, by all means and mention you've noticed she hasn't been interested in sex and are concerned there might be something wrong. Yes I agree with you. Bottom line is he needs to talk to her if this is becoming an issue for him. And my guess is that something is going on in her head and although there may be nothing wrong with their relationship in her mind, other things in her life may be affecting her and making her not want to have sex.
Author Dark-Farmer Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Sumdude you have very valid points. Perhaps I don’t have enough time to just me. On the same note we have lived together for majority of our relationship (roommate hookup, logically a bad idea but actually worked out great but different story) so I can see why she could want some space. But if she wanted space wouldn’t she try to do more stuff with her friends, which I have no problem with. I fine with the amount of space I have, but more would be fine. Perhaps she thinks it would upset me if she wanted more or something, so maybe I will let her know that if she wants it won’t bother me. Norajane as for my romantic edge I think I’m up to par. There are times we go out almost just as friends, but others where we clean up and go out for a nice dinner just the two of us at a nice restaurant (the other night). I think I do that stuff significantly more than she does. Perhaps too much sometimes, I actually talked to her about this. When she doesn’t reciprocate effection I try to compensate; a quality vs. quantity. It’s actually a small character flaw of mine (that has got me in trouble in the past), but I’m aware of it and I purposely try to not do it. BCCA I know you point well. When sex dwindles it has almost always been a sign of something wrong, and it makes me worried. :S FYI i did talk to her. I told her I felt like this. She said nothing is wrong, that her libido is just very low right now. I am probably overreacting, but two weeks is unusual. One more note is I think my sex drive is higher that hers, hers seems to fluctuate too where mine is pretty constant. On a semi different note does the female sex drive come in waves like that often? Where they want it like 2 or 3 days in a row then not, like 2 on 2 off … sounds like work now lol
aerogurl87 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 On a semi different note does the female sex drive come in waves like that often? Where they want it like 2 or 3 days in a row then not, like 2 on 2 off … sounds like work now lol Well I probably can't speak for everyone, but as a female, my sex drive is pretty constant. In fact, my sex drive was alot higher than one of my exes, lol. I think I wore him out quite a few times. But every person is different, and like you said maybe her sex drive is high at certain times and low at others.
sumdude Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 FYI i did talk to her. I told her I felt like this. She said nothing is wrong, that her libido is just very low right now. I am probably overreacting, but two weeks is unusual. One more note is I think my sex drive is higher that hers, hers seems to fluctuate too where mine is pretty constant. Two weeks is a long time.. something is up and she doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't know why either. physical issue, hormonal stress depression relationship issues
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