Do you follow up after a date with an email?

[ReturnToSender]

Oooh, I just saw that about guys who text and call often and keep in close touch... My last bf was like that too...but my story deviates a bit from yours wintergurl and aerogal... He made me feel incredibly special and thought of each and every day...from calling to say good morning cause he wanted my voice to be the first thing he heard in the morning...to at the end of the day to ask how my day went...to being right there whenever I needed to talk to him.

 

Little did I know...he had 3 other girlfriends and was married. And we lived together for 4 years!!! Business trips my butt..lol! He just had making a woman feel special down to a science. And he speaks several languages...I couldve been sitting right there while he talked to someone, and I would be clueless...and vice versa, as 2 of his women didnt speak english. Nuts eh?

 

But something I took with that is...you just never know. Its everything as a whole...and with this guy, the lack of contact was just one of many things. Gosh, just reading about him throws off *my* red flags! lol But all the same...in the early stages, you cant get enough, you want to know about the other person, be around them and talk to them more than ever...and it kind of slows down from there. If that energy isnt there...blah.

 

(and Ill tell yall a secret...lol! Even though Im super easy going for the most part...I can and do internalize all sorts of over anylizing!!! I drive my own self nuts with it! Its horrible!!!! I dont show it...and Im always told Im so chill and easy to be around, but my brain is working so overtime Im surprised no one can hear the screeching of all those gears flipping off their axis...LoL!

 

Much of what you wrote writergurl, I would have thought and more....I just dont express it to the guy who is throwing me into overdrive...my neurotic tendency is my secret weapon to keep my eyes wide open...to watch and see what hes really about. )

[writergal]

if you have to be clear with a guy that he need to be respectful of your boundaries then hes really not such a great guy.

 

I totally agree. My girlfriends told me this as well. But I still feel AWFUL about myself for letting him get as far as he did on both the 1st and 2nd dates. I'm angry at myself because sex on the i1st date or really getting physical with someone you barely know, creates false intimacy that RARELY ever develops into anything real or longterm for a relationship.

 

Relax writergal. Less than 5 days ago, you were wondering about his sexual orientation, wasn't attracted and was deciding on whether to accept a second date. Now you're acting like you're already in a long-term relationship, with expectations, when you've only dated twice.

 

Yes. I was quick to judge him in the beginning, but more quick to judge myself for lacking good boundaries with men on dates. I don't view him as my "boyfriend" right now. My anxiety is stemmed from the fact that I had poor boundaries, then freaked out to him about having poor boundaries, because now he probably thinks I'm a looney case.

 

Yesterday I kept myself busy all day. Then I couldn't stand the anxiety I was feeling, so I sent him a text, asking him how his race went. He called me back 2 hours later and we spoke for 20 minutes. He told me how his race went,then asked me if graduate school is my first priority (I jumped to the immediate conclusion here that he was setting me up for a "you need to focus on school right now, not dating" speech or something like that, but didn't say anything to him about what I was thinking when he made that comment). Then he said "it is good to hear your voice and I'm looking forward to seeing you this week again."

 

And rather than bring up all my mini-drama, I kept my side of the conversation light and didn't bring up Friday morning's texts or conversations for both our sakes. Then I wished him well for the rest of the weekend. And that was the end of the phone conversation.

 

Well, today I forgot the name of the place where he suggested we meet this week, so I called him. He answered the phone, "Oh Hi <my name>. Is something wrong?" I cringed when I heard this, and responded, "Oh, no, not at all." Then he immediately said he was talking to another friend and would call me back. That was 3 hours ago. He's still out of town (a few hours away).

 

So then I texted him a few minutes ago, and told him, "I just called earlier to say hi, and get the name of the place we're meeting this week since I forgot. Will be good to see you again." And that's all I wrote. I haven't got a reply yet from him yet.

 

Poor guy. He may not have had the best intentions, putting the moves on me on the 1st and 2nd date (and I made it worse by letting him), but now I've gone and pushed him...or rather scared him off.

 

Maybe take some time to youself, a break from dating. It can do worlds of good.

 

I honestly don't think that's the answer. I need to practice having better boundaries. I can't practice that if I don't go out on more dates, even if I'm not attracted to the guy. Hiding from the problem isn't going to help me resolve it, and its not going to help me develop better coping skills.

 

I will wait and see if he responds, and what he says. If it turns out to be a total train wreck of a connection, I will beat myself up for a few weeks, as I often do, obsessing about the past. But I will also remember that I need to have more confidence in my choices when I'm out on dates with men I'm attracted to. I need to be able to stick to my boundaries during the date, and not react passively, in the hopes that following the lead of the guy (especially if he has selfish intentions) will make him like me.

 

Take a good look at what's really bothering you. It's less to do with investment and more to do with ego, pride and hurt self-esteem. When you do this, creating a mountain out of a molehill, by ascribing intense meanings to small actions, of a man you barely, barely know, how good is this for you, as a person?

 

Yes. Its not good for me to take his small actions so personally. But I'm berating myself so badly because my dating life is next to non-existent while I'm in graduate school. And when I come across a man I'm really attracted to, which is rare, I really invest myself, despite the length of time I've known him which is probably a mistake.

 

For all I know, he also agrees that I've made a mountain of of a mowhill; the mowhill being we had fun getting physical on our first 2 dates, the mountain being I freaked out about it and told him that I was worried he wasn't interested in me for any potential after seeing me half naked. It boils down to me feeling out of control of the outcome I'd hoped for; which was a chance of going out on dates without questioning myself and my choices as constantly as I have for the 2 dates I went on with this guy.

 

And it's hard for me to meet men in my age group since I don't do the bar scene anymore. I spend my days in classrooms as a tutor or sub. teacher, and 3 evenings a week in a class for 4 hours which are 99% women since its education. And I belong to a few social groups and there is a larger social group that HE belongs to, which is a group I recently joined but didn't know he was a member of until we met. Now, since he is one of the co-leaders, I'm terrified of going to the meetings (about outdoors activities that are seasonal) and seeing him there. The meetings take place weekly at a local bar, so there is time to socialize and drink afterwards.

 

Now can you see why I'm such a train wreck of anxiety about this situation?

 

The fact that he still hasn't responded to my text, tells me I'm not a priority to him anymore. My god, I freaked out on him and he thinks my calling him today was to tell him something was wrong, and we'd only been out on 2 dates. So, I can see the bad consequences of my actions...of not keeping my anxiety to myself. By being too honest with him, I scared him away. Dating someone should be fun and easy, not full of complications and mixed messages so early on as this experience has been for me. And I'm taking it really personally like a failure, since its so difficult to meet single men in my city who I feel a real connection with.

 

How do I convince him, let alone myself, that I really am not a freak, and someone worth getting to know, so that he gives me a second chance?

[loveslife]

I honestly don't think that's the answer. I need to practice having better boundaries. I can't practice that if I don't go out on more dates, even if I'm not attracted to the guy. Hiding from the problem isn't going to help me resolve it, and its not going to help me develop better coping skills.

 

When done right a break from dating is the farthest thing from hiding. It's about turning the focus onto building yourself up.

[Trialbyfire]

For starters, back off and stop contacting him. He's already overwhelmed.

[tkgirl]

 

How do I convince him, let alone myself, that I really am not a freak, and someone worth getting to know, so that he gives me a second chance?

 

 

breathe baby girl, breathe!!!

 

I feel your pain, I really do... but at this point you have to let it go or you will scare him off. I went through the same thing practically about two years ago and yep.. I ended scaring the guy off. Thing was.. he was really into me in the beginning and was chasing me... then somehow I was the one doing the chasing... no bueno. Turns out, guys don't like to be chased (IMHO) where as us women usually do...

 

so let it go... let him figure out on his own what an awesome chick you really are... and if he doesn't, then he's too dumb and not worth your time. That's my attitude anyways now and it works for me so... there you go!

[writergal]

You know, he never called me back until tonight -- that's 6 hours from the time he told me he'd call me back when I reached him earlier today.

 

But when he called, I was at a friend's house for a dinner/movie night and so I left my phone in my purse.

 

In his voicemail, he said he didn't call me back because a "friend" of his was having a rough day because her husband was out of the country on a business trip, and that his iPhone battery died and he had to recharge it, and that he didn't get my text I'd sent this afternoon (I sent it after our 20 second phone call), until he'd turned his phone back on. Please. I may have poor reflexes on a date that leads to my own misery afterwards, but at least I can come up with better excuses than those. Obviously he was blowing off my phone call and text. Hello!

 

He did leave me the name of the venue we're supposed to meet at after my class tomorrow evening. I feel like just going home after class, and NOT showing up for the date, with no forewarning to him at all. But I know I will show up, using his t-shirt as an excuse.

 

I can always show up, get a drink, give him his tshirt, then tell him its too bad that things happened the way they did...then go home and FORGET ABOUT HIM.

 

[tkgirl]

You know, he never called me back until tonight -- that's 6 hours from the time he told me he'd call me back when I reached him earlier today.

 

But when he called, I was at a friend's house for a dinner/movie night and so I left my phone in my purse.

 

In his voicemail, he said he didn't call me back because a "friend" of his was having a rough day because her husband was out of the country on a business trip, and that his iPhone battery died and he had to recharge it, and that he didn't get my text I'd sent this afternoon (I sent it after our 20 second phone call), until he'd turned his phone back on. Please. I may have poor reflexes on a date that leads to my own misery afterwards, but at least I can come up with better excuses than those. Obviously he was blowing off my phone call and text. Hello!

 

He did leave me the name of the venue we're supposed to meet at after my class tomorrow evening. I feel like just going home after class, and NOT showing up for the date, with no forewarning to him at all. But I know I will show up, using his t-shirt as an excuse.

 

I can always show up, get a drink, give him his tshirt, then tell him its too bad that things happened the way they did...then go home and FORGET ABOUT HIM.

 

 

hmmm... what do you really want to do? if you really do want to "forget about him" I say cancel the date now.. why torture yourself? yep, he def sounds a little on the flaky side but I think it's just cuz he's not sure he's "that into you" yet... which is totally understandable... you've only gone out twice. Can you accept that and go out with him with an open mind... and take things slow too? if not then do yourself a favor and cancel the date... I'm sure he could care less about getting his stupid t-shirt back!

keep us posted, k? good luck!

[ReturnToSender]

I too hope you cancel that date...its not supposed to be so stressful from this early on... Its supposed to be fun and exiting and exhilarating...youre going through the exact opposite! Heck, this guy is starting to stress *me* out...lmfao!

 

Make the right choice for you...but I can assure you, with the right guy, the whole thing isnt so brutal! Heck, even with the wrong guy it isnt so brutal..they at least wait a while to make your life difficult..hah! This guy is putting you through the wringer!

[aerogurl87]

I need to practice having better boundaries.

 

Writergal as a borderline nympho who has had boundary issues in the past with guys, I'll tell you what I do to create boundaries within dating.

 

First, if I really like a guy and want to date him with the chance that something meaningful could come of our relationship, I make a promise to myself to not sleep with him for at least the first 3 dates. I try to keep that promise in mind when I'm out with him and feel the urge to just jump all over him. I think about how having sex with him so soon could hinder what could potentially be a beautiful thing. I also think about how if he does just sleep with me on the first date, then he's probably done this with every other girl and doesn't want something serious which for me is an automatic NEXT!

 

Secondly, I bribe myself. I've did this with the current guy I'm dating. I've decided that if I don't sleep with him for a month then at the end of that month I will buy myself some godiva cheesecake (which I love). With that reward always in the back of my mind, it makes it a little easier to keep my hands to myself, lol.

 

Lastly, I try not to put myself in situations that could lead to having sex or getting really intimate on the first few dates. I usually don't invite the guy back to my place or go to his if he offers, especially at night. I try to be with him in places that would make it alot harder to getting really intimate, such as a restaurant or some other public place. Those things within themselves can do wonders for helping to create boundaries.

[writergal]

Can you accept that and go out with him with an open mind... and take things slow too?

 

Can I accept that after 2 dates, I'm still not a priority to him and his social life? If he really liked me, he would not have waited 6 hours to call me back.

I can't accept that he tried to sleep with me on the first date, and now has pulled back his attention completely making me lowest on his list of priorities. On his voicemail he said I could give him a call back. So I called him back 2 hours after the time he'd left it. I got his voicemail. Surprise. How convenient.

 

Make the right choice for you...but I can assure you, with the right guy, the whole thing isnt so brutal! Heck, even with the wrong guy it isnt so brutal..they at least wait a while to make your life difficult..hah! This guy is putting you through the wringer!

 

Yes. He is putting me through the wringer. And what's worse -- I'm letting him by still having expectations! How dumb am I? I know better but yet here I am, acting like a desperado. And for what? His actions are screaming at me "I'm not interested in you for anything long term or serious." So, I have to listen and forget about him. He is definitely putting me through the wringer.

 

I know guys like to chase a gal, and I basically ended the race when I let him into my apartment on the 1st date, so he could conveniently change his clothes, WHICH he could have done at the restaurant restroom, since his clothes were in his car, now that I think about it. So, what a fool am I to let him get into my place. That's also a safety issue. Apparently, I lack common sense and have a bag of rocks for brains, that I let this complete stranger into my apartment on a 1st date, let alone drive us to the restaurant in his car. I made all the classic 1st date mistakes with this guy!

 

 

I try not to put myself in situations that could lead to having sex or getting really intimate on the first few dates. I usually don't invite the guy back to my place or go to his if he offers, especially at night. I try to be with him in places that would make it alot harder to getting really intimate, such as a restaurant or some other public place. Those things within themselves can do wonders for helping to create boundaries.

 

I totally agree with you and like your idea of giving myself incentive in order to curb my tendancy to go for the physical so early on. Clearly, if this guy is so quick to try to get in my pants, he probably is that way with every woman. But not every woman is dumb enough to let him get away with it, like I was. This behavior from a guy who claims he has tons of female friends. If that were really true, you'd think he'd be more of a gentleman on a 1st date. Or maybe I'm just being naive again.

 

I need to remember all of these suggestions from everyone, and cement them in my brain the next time I get to go out on a 1st date. Practice.

 

I will meet this bozo tomorrow night at the venue we're supposed to meet. I'm sure he doesn't care about his t-shirt one bit. I'm going to go and practice what I've learned from reading everyone's posts. Even if its futile and too little too late. I can at least conclude this "loser liaison episode" with some dignity by taking the higher road. And to me, that means, I show up, act nonchalant, keep things light, don't bring up any negative stuff, put a TIME LIMIT on the evening (I do have to get up early and so does he) to 90 minutes max, give him his t-shirt then go home and delete his phone # and email address from my life. I won't confront him about his bad behavior (that would feed his ego I think). And, I won't look back when I walk out the door that night or think about him anymore after that, except when I get asked out on the next 1st date with a new guy. I will remember this situation and what I did wrong, and do everything the opposite to protect myself.

 

As a guy friend of mine told me on the phone tonight, "If you give him a reason to chase you, he will. He owes you nothing after 2 dates, and you owe him nothing. So act like the first and second dates didn't happen; just be yourself, have fun, give him back his t-shirt and then leave with no expectation of ever hearing from him again, because I don't think you will."

 

I think everyone here, including my friend, is right about me and this guy. Wow. Quite a life learning experience. Let's hope I don't repeat it. God help me. I'm thick as cement when it comes to romance. (I'm not sarcastic...just verbally ironic! )

[D-Lish]

For starters, back off and stop contacting him. He's already overwhelmed.

 

Exactly, good advice. Take a breather and just embrace the having fun part of dating.

 

As I said before, you may know off the bat if you want something more- but not everyone does. You have to take that into consideration when dating- that timelines for exclusivity aren't universal.

 

I think what is happening here is that you are unwittingly laying on all this pressure too soon, with too much intensity.

 

Just enjoy the process of getting to know ane another!

 

Pressure and expectations will turn people off in the early stages.

You can own all those feelings you have- but you don't have to voice them.

[writergal]

I think what is happening here is that you are unwittingly laying on all this pressure too soon, with too much intensity.

 

Pressure and expectations will turn people off in the early stages.

You can own all those feelings you have- but you don't have to voice them.

 

Don't forget that he is the one who initiated the physical stuff on the 1st and 2nd dates! A decent guy is not going to do that on a 1st date no matter how tempted he may be, even if the woman's boundaries aren't clear. If he's a nice guy, he won't take advantage the way this guy did with me -- and I let him which was stupid. He was a jerk to come on so strong. And I was just as stupid to not put up clear boundaries to begin with. And he knows he was a jerk. But he doesn't have to feel guilty about the way he treated me because I went on a 2nd date with him which sends him the message that I'm okay with being treated like dirt.

 

But yes. I agree that having expectations too early in dating will be a big turn off if you are dumb enough (like I was) to tell the guy. That's basically giving him all the power, and taking all the incentive away to get to know me better.

 

I will definitely have to work on my boundaries and pacing when it comes to dating. I won't have to voice my expectations if the guy is right for me and the pace is going at the right speed.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know how far this guy went but most guys are more than happy to have sex with a woman, on the first date, if she's giving out the right signals. Say you get into hot and heavy petting on your first or second date. Those are big, green lights. You can't blame the guy for trying if he's getting the green light.

 

A guy is a jerk if you continuously push his hands away and he won't stop. This includes being assertive with pushing him away and not giggling or smiling, when you do this.

 

Keep it to a modest kiss. Some people don't even believe in kissing on their first date but I'm not that stringent if I feel like it.