Do you follow up after a date with an email?

[writergal]

Ok. I posted about the "Skipper" I went on a 1st date (and as of last night, a 2nd date). Well, he is definitely interested in women. We went on a 2nd date last night because he will be out of town this weekend. He met me after my night class for a glass of wine and stroll through the park in my neighborhood. Now, in the past, after a date's gone well with someone, I often get a nice follow up email or text the next day from the guy, which does a couple of things for my ego; 1) reassures me that he's definitely interested in me and 2) opens the lines of communication about feelings for each other more.

 

Even though it was only date #2, I'm disappointed that I still haven't received a follow up email from him, because as you know, actions speak louder than words. And his words last night about how great he felt, were nice to hear, but they're just words.

 

Do you think I'm being too extreme with thinking, if he doesn't email or call me today before he goes out of town tomorrow, that he's "just not that into me?" Because frankly, I'm fed up with men who can't follow through on their words by their actions.

 

Mistake or not, I decided to send him a quick email, thanking him for the 2nd date last night, reiterating that I look forward to get to know him better. It's weird b/c when we emailed back and forth on match.com initially, it was frequent emails exchanged within an hour back and forth for at least a couple of days. Now that I've been on 2 dates with him, in between Saturday and last night when the dates took place, I've initiated most of the follow-up "thank you for a great date" communication. Last night, I texted him before my class, telling him I was looking forward to seeing him after class. He responded with several texts, but again the fact that I had to initiate the texts leaves me feeling a tad anxious.

 

What do you think?

[loveslife]

If it bothers you to keep initiating then you should stop. See how much he takes the ball. If he's going out of town tomorrow he might be too busy to follow-up.

 

Most importantly though, don't focus on him so much. Think about what you could best achieve with your energy and time and focus on that.

 

I'm really confused about who has initiated what and when and why. I think you should just let it go for a bit, especially if he is going out of town. Getting to know someone should be organic.

[writergal]

He is the one who found me and sent me an initial "Hi, my name is..." email on match.com.

 

The communication timeline was; last week he contacted me on match. Then we exchanged emails back and forth for a few days. Then I called him b/c he gave me his phone # first, rather than ask for mine. Then he called me back. Then Saturday afternoon, he called and asked me to get together that night, and since I didn't have any plans, I accepted and we spent 10 hours together on a date. Then I texted him the next day and said thanks for a great date. He called me back that night but i was out with a girlfriend so I called him back the next day. This was Tuesday I think. Then we saw each other last night after my night class. But today, I haven't heard anything from him yet via email, text or phone. And I think that's weird.

 

I agree with you. Dating should be an organic process. But I don't think its wrong for me to have expectations.

 

My last boyfriend was very different. He texted and called me often, after dates. Granted, he and I only waited a few weeks before we slept together, but by that time, he had been very open about his feelings for me, texting and emailing me practically every day. So I got used to that attention and expect the same from men I want to get involved with now. If you like me, let me know.

 

So, why can't he take the ball and send me a quick email today before he goes out of town?

 

I have plenty to do this weekend for my courses next week, and am getting together with several friends over the weekend so I will definitely be too busy to worry about him.

 

His silence today is a bad sign. My gut tells me I won't hear from him this weekend either. Last night when I asked him to try to call me this weekend after his race on Saturday, he said "I'll probably just get your voicemail." I immediately felt like he was making up an excuse ahead of time for not having to call me.

 

I don't see what's so "inorganic" about me having expectations. Its impossible not to have expectations when someone you like, sets up your expectations for them, based on how they treat you and what they say to you. Last night, he was very romantic with his words, and very physically affectionate with his body; both led me to the expectation that he's attracted to me. Question is, is he actually INTERESTED in getting to know me for more than just a physical connection.

 

It takes 5 minutes to respond to an email. Just send me something to say "hi" at least the day after the date.

[loveslife]

I do not feel that someone has a right to expectations after two dates. It seems like you're already pretty invested and he probably senses that.

 

Just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

[CarrieT]

I had a similar experience; the guy from Yahoo sent several emails wanting to meet me and working hard to fit it into our very tight schedules. We had -- what I thought -- was a GREAT first date. I sent him an email to thank him and we have had several other emails trying to coordinate a second date.

 

That second date was canceled by him at the last minute. I touched base a week later and he assured me that he would much rather spend time with me than put in all the work hours he's been doing.

 

Yeah right. No word since...

[writergal]

I disagree. I don't think its unrealistic to have expectations after just 2 dates.

 

Is there a timeline for expectations and investment when you're dating someone? If so, what is your timeline then? What is realistic for you Loveslife?

 

For me, I know after 2 dates if I want to be exclusive with a guy. It doesn't take me long to know whether or not I'm attracted enough to a guy to want to date him exclusively. I've never been one to date multiple men at the same time. I've tried it. Believe me. But its too emotionally draining to try compare and contrast multiple partners in order to make a choice. I try one guy at a time. If one doesn't work, I get sad, vent, cry, etc.,. recover then eventually, have to try again with someone new.

 

If he senses that I'm already invested its because I am. And if that makes him feel guilty, thus, his silence and avoidance, (if he doesn't contact me ever again after last night's date that is) then he shouldn't have led me on the way he did on those 2 dates.

 

Yes. I know just b/c you get hot and heavy on a couple of first and second dates doesn't mean you're in a relationship. It means things just got physical because of the attraction factor.

 

That's besides my point. My point being, if you like someone, 1st or 2nd or 3rd date or whatever, you should follow up after a date if you want to continue to see that person. And, my sense tells me he doesn't like me enough to want to follow up with me, esp. after our date last night which ended on a hot and heavy note. Maybe he's trying to wrap things up at work before he goes out of town with his friends for his race tomorrow, and is also still processing what he wants from me (if he wants anything) as a woman he's been on 2 dates with already.

 

If I come across strong, its because that's my personality. If I like you, I let you know. I'm also a very physically affectionate person when I'm attracted to a guy. That doesn't mean I want to marry him off the bat. It means that I'm physically attracted to him and want to get to know him better.

[alphamale]

What do you think?

i think you should set up a few more potential suitors on match.com

[writergal]

What a jerk! I had a guy on match.com do the same thing for me cancelling our first date on the day of. He called a few hours before we

were supposed to meet for dinner, citing a sprained ankle from his soccer game the night before. Well, how did he make it into work then but can't make it to dinner with me with a sprained ankle? He said he's call back and reschedule but he never did. So I feel your pain Carrie T.

[loveslife]

That's besides my point. My point being, if you like someone, 1st or 2nd or 3rd date or whatever, you should follow up after a date if you want to continue to see that person. And, my sense tells me he doesn't like me enough to want to follow up with me, esp. after our date last night which ended on a hot and heavy note. Maybe he's trying to wrap things up at work before he goes out of town with his friends for his race tomorrow, and is also still processing what he wants from me (if he wants anything) as a woman he's been on 2 dates with already.

 

 

I think you already have your answer. If you feel that he led you on, all the more reason for you to move on.

[callingyouuu]

Do I follow up on a FIRST date with an email? No. Unless if I'm head over heels by then (which is actually a bad sign in the long run), I'll at LEAST set up a second date before I'm comfortable giving off any definitive signals, possibly not until the third date.

 

It's not wrong to have expectations, but it's fair enough to raise eyebrows when your expectations don't match his. You want the relationship to move along at a much faster rate than he might be ready for, and if neither of you are willing to compromise, it's definite grounds to start looking at other people.

 

He's not wrong for not emailing you, and you're not wrong for expecting him to. You just have different speeds of working through relationships.

[loveslife]

It's not wrong to have expectations, but it's fair enough to raise eyebrows when your expectations don't match his. You want the relationship to move along at a much faster rate than he might be ready for, and if neither of you are willing to compromise, it's definite grounds to start looking at other people.

 

He's not wrong for not emailing you, and you're not wrong for expecting him to. You just have different speeds of working through relationships.

 

Well said!

[writergal]

Good point callingyouuu. I think you're absolutely right. He's moving at a much slower pace than I'm used to and neither of us is wrong in doing so.

 

I will put my assumptions aside for now, and wait and see what happens over the weekend. He will either call me like he said he would after his race, or he won't.

 

If I feel uncomfortable after getting too physical too quickly, then I need to pay attention to that as a warning sign about his intentions and my feelings. I don't like it when guys come on strong within the 1st or 2nd dates, because it usually means they're reacting to their past relationship trauma.

 

He did tell me last night that the last 6 months of his most recent relationship were sexless, and that was one of the reasons they broke up. (He told me this as we stood in my hallway, kissing. It was really intense.)

 

And then here I am, fast-paced and physically affectionate immediately with a guy I barely know, but am super attracted to. I have rarely made it to date 3 in my dating experience, without having some physical action with my dates. (But I've never had sex on the 1st date yet).

 

He's already seen me half-naked. What more is left for him to desire. Nothing. So its my fault then, for not having better boundaries and keeping the pace slow and steady instead.

 

Whoops.

[CarrieT]

Thanks, WriterGal -- yeah, the great first date was full of all sorts of signals of future dates; he liked that I would consider moving, he commented on a physical attribute of mine that he liked which he grinned, "I get to wake with these every morning," etc...

 

And he might legitimately BE really busy with work (he is the CEO of a large engineering firm), but when I asked in a later email if I should just give up, he said no... I then responded that I could be incredibly patient if he just touched based now and then.

 

That was two weeks ago.

[writergal]

Hi CarrieT,

 

He emailed you and then left you hanging for the past 2 weeks now, with no communication from him whatsoever?

 

Just because he's the CEO of a large firm, doesn't mean he can't take 5 minutes out of his day to contact you to reassure you of his feelings and intentions with you.

 

With so many technological advances; iPhones, texting, emailing, voicemails, down to morse code, there is NO EXCUSE for not keeping in touch with someone you've been on a date with, if you want to continue to date them.

 

There is a diffrence between being incredibly patient, and a doormat. In my experience, and I speak of my most recent relationship experience with my ex, I patiently waited for him to come around. And guess what?

 

He left town without even telling me, until I emailed him 6 weeks later, wondering why I hadn't heard from him again. He didn't respect me enough, or want me in his life to tell me he decided to take a job in another city, so why would I expect him to want me in his life now?

 

The same goes for you CarrieT. If this man told you to hold on and wait for him, its because he's not that into you and doesn't have the guts to tell you. So he figures, if he's vague enough, you'll eventually get tired of waiting around for him, and do his dirty work for him (which is to get mad and move on) without him having to consider your feelings or directly tell you that he isn't interested.

 

If men were a lot more direct, like women, there would be less problems in the world and I"m not just talking about the dating realm. In general, men REFUSE to commnunicate their feelings directly for fear of being vulnerable, and then resent it when we women ask them to be accountable for their actions.

 

Grrr. Makes me mad this double standard.

[ReturnToSender]

...or...he may just be really busy with trying to get a lot of things taken care of before he goes out of town. I know that the day or 2 before I travel, for some reason everything under the sun comes up that must be handled before I go. Its like Murphys law.

 

I dont go to sleep..I pass out...I dont wake up...I jump up in a panic cause Im already running late. And my whole day is like madness. It sucks..the first time I get a chance to relax is when Im sitting on the plane just after boarding...and then I can drop everyone notes to say Im on my way or whatever.

[writergal]

But what about when you're dating someone ReturnToSender? Have you ever left a person hanging the day after a date, even if you have to travel somewhere? That's great that you contact everyone after you get settled on the plane, but at least you're reaching out, but would you do that to someone you'd just met, got physical with, then had to go on a trip somewhere?

 

5 minutes; an email, phone call or text. What's so wrong to expect that?

 

I am trying to be patient and see things from his perspective of being more cautious and slow, but he initiated "Getting Physical" with me on the 1st date. So he sped up the pace in that sense. But in the emotional-intimacy sense, he's more closed off if he's not going to follow up the next day of a date with an email. Don't you think?

 

Does that make him emotionally unavailable to me then?

 

This is why I'm confused. Why does it have to be me (the woman) who sets the pace. Why do men get away with being physically aggressive because of sexual attraction? But women can't have expectations of something more because the man initiates that, regardless of what # date it is.

[CarrieT]

I guess for me it is a common-courtesy thing. For this guy I saw, I emailed him and very specifically asked if I should stop pestering him. Maybe he thought he was being polite by saying "no," but in this case, it just continued to make me feel as though I was being led on.

 

I ALWAYS tell a guy when I don't want to correspond with him and, in some cases -- when they ask why -- I am honest as to the reason. I NEVER just ignore someone because I think it is incredibly rude; even though it is de rigeur in our society to treat people that way.

[ReturnToSender]

I understand you are anxious to hear from him, but pretty please dont take it out on me! Seriously though, I understand where you are coming from...I didnt say there was anything wrong with hoping to hear from him. I was just trying to say, dont jump to bad conclusions just yet, its entirely possible he simply hasnt responded yet.

 

Also, me personally, Im really laid back when it come to contact...in that, especially when Im first seeing a guy, I dont really expect anything. If I get in touch and I hear back from him great..if I dont, I move forward. If he waits too long, Ive moved on. Once something has been established though, then I do expect to be more on top of his mind than that. That of course is *just me* not saying thats how anyone else should be..but I can say, it has saved me a whole lot of grief.

 

If you get the feeling already that he is emotionally unavailable, then that really isnt a good sign. Personally speaking...if I had those sort of bad vibes about a guy from the get go...then I really wouldnt feel like Id be missing out on much if he didnt get in touch with me again. Id much rather be involved with a guy who was just as eager to be in touch with me as I am with him.

 

True story...on my second date with a guy we were intimate. He said he would give me a call the next day...no call came. Day after that, I dropped him a text saying hey, and letting him know I enjoyed our date the other day...hope we can do it again soon. No response.

 

A MONTH later, the guy calls me up..says hes been crazy busy, and really been meaning to get in touch...and he asked me out for that Fri night. Unfortunately for him..I had already been on 2 dates with my current bf, and I told him Id like to see where things go with that. He called me back a couple months later...nope sorry, still with the same guy. We ran into each other a few months after that..and he told me he could kick himself...he really was busy, went out of town, etc etc. and that if he had it to do again, he would have called me back right away.

 

Its been 2 years...Im still with my bf, and I run into this guy ever so often...he still shakes his head at me like...man, I messed up. Yup, he sure did. But I didnt stress over it...and I definitely wasnt going to pine over a guy who didnt have time to get back to me when we were just getting to know each other. If he had called me back 2 or 3 days later..a week even...who knows? But I didnt put myself or my life on hold and stress myself out for a guy who couldnt take 5 minutes out for me. I spent that time doing my thing, met my bf, and he called me back. Albeit 2 days later but..Im glad didnt hold that against him.

 

In the end..its up to you...what you want, and what youll put up with. But If you dont like it that he didnt call you back the next day, and talking abotu his emotional unavailability etc...then you seem to already be unhappy with him...he may not be worth stressing over...know what I mean?

 

 

 

 

But what about when you're dating someone ReturnToSender? Have you ever left a person hanging the day after a date, even if you have to travel somewhere? That's great that you contact everyone after you get settled on the plane, but at least you're reaching out, but would you do that to someone you'd just met, got physical with, then had to go on a trip somewhere?

 

5 minutes; an email, phone call or text. What's so wrong to expect that?

 

I am trying to be patient and see things from his perspective of being more cautious and slow, but he initiated "Getting Physical" with me on the 1st date. So he sped up the pace in that sense. But in the emotional-intimacy sense, he's more closed off if he's not going to follow up the next day of a date with an email. Don't you think?

 

Does that make him emotionally unavailable to me then?

 

This is why I'm confused. Why does it have to be me (the woman) who sets the pace. Why do men get away with being physically aggressive because of sexual attraction? But women can't have expectations of something more because the man initiates that, regardless of what # date it is.

[writergal]

Well, it's Thursday night and he doesn't leave for his weekend trip until tomorrow. I went back on match.com and saw that he'd checked his profile, but still has not emailed, texted or called me today in response to the email I'd sent him.

 

I'm sorry to hear that you had the same thing happen to you after your 2nd date with that guy you were intimate with, who said he'd call but then never did.

 

I must confess something too. Last night, on our 2nd date, I invited him in to my apt., and we did get intimate in the non-penetration sense of the word, before he'd left. So, I set myself up for disappointment the moment I did that.

 

If I step back and look at my situation with a different perspective, I could say that from the get-go my match.com didn't respect me enough to keep his hands to himself. First dates need to be more about interaction and conversation rather than sexual action, groping, heavy make out sessions. Right? I'm no prude, mind you. I'm a physically affectionate person. But this is the first time I've thought that you know, its not really respectful for a guy to put the moves on me on the first date. That's a way of telling me he's not emotionally available I think. Because he's not thinking about getting to know me.

 

I don't think having strong sexual physical chemistry with another person you meet for the first time, means it will lead to a long-term relationship. I think it just means you both are sexually attracted to each other.

 

Since he hasn't called or emailed me back today, a day before he's supposed to leave, and he checked his match.com profile, I have to accept that "he's just not that into me," enough to send me an email to tell me he's no longer interested. That would be the considerate thing to do in my opinion. But hey, he probably thinks that 2 dates and oral sex does not mean he has to send me an email to let me down easily. Because in the world of online dating, no response means the same as an actual rejection email. If a guy doesn't call or email you back, he's not interested. It's a wimpy way out but its convenient b/c then you don't have to account for your actions to the other person. This way, by not sending me an email, he doesn't have to acknowledge to me that his coming on strong, was purely a selfish motivation to get some action, and he's not interested in me as a person b/c I gave up my body right away. He doesn't have to admit that he was actually being disrespectful to me by coming on strong on the first date - and a 10 hour date at that. He told me that is how his last 5 year relationship began, with a 15 hour date.

 

Well, I'm disappointed. He was a catch in every sense of the word; great job, well read, well traveled, very attractive, athletic. BUT...unfortunately "just not that into me."

 

Sigh. I guess its back to the drawing board.

 

But do I have to rely on match.com or any other online dating service again? I really wish I could just meet the guy by accident in person. And I belong to enough social groups and activities where its possible. It just hasn't happened for me. And I was so excited because he'd contacted me to begin with. And that rarely happened to me on match.com.

 

So, I guess I feel like a loser now. I gave in to his sexual advances too quickly so no wonder he's no longer interested.

 

Dammit.

[CarrieT]

But do I have to rely on match.com or any other online dating service again? I really wish I could just meet the guy by accident in person. And I belong to enough social groups and activities where its possible. It just hasn't happened for me. And I was so excited because he'd contacted me to begin with. And that rarely happened to me on match.com.

 

So, I guess I feel like a loser now. I gave in to his sexual advances too quickly so no wonder he's no longer interested.

 

Dammit.

 

Match.com definitely has a reputation for guys going for sex more than a relationship.

 

I'm not sure there is one that is better than another. I tried Yahoo (where I met the one guy I had the one great date with), but I am against paying for sites so I canceled that after my seven-day trial.

 

I am on PlentyofFish, OKCupid, and Mate1. Mate1 is also more of a sex-oriented site. There are a lot more men on PoF, but I have not been having luck at all -- even after having the folks here on LS help me re-write my profile!

[writergal]

I didn't hear from him at all yesterday; no text, no email, no phone call in response to my email wishing him a fun weekend.

 

So I decided to text him this morning. After I sent my text asking him to let me off the hook if he's not interested, so we don't end on an awkward note, he texted me back, telling me he was just writing me a note from home on his laptop. And then he said via text that his home phone rang and could he call me later when he was at work.

 

I'm spooked. Totally. I want to mail his tshirt back to him at his work address, which I googled and found.

[writergal]

Oh. P.S. How convenient was it for him to tell me he had to stop texting because his home phone rang, when I asked him via text to just tell me the truth.

 

Sometimes men suck...and I don't mean in a nice way.

 

Point me in the direction of a nunnery, will someone? If Julie Andrews can meet a rich baron in Austria, I should be able to find a nice CEO here in the states, who is fleeing the govt for tax evasion. And the only alps to cross would be fleeing into Cananda or Mexico. What a story that would make; the Von-WriterGal Family Texters. We'd compete in the annual iPhone text competition; who has the fastest opposable thumbs wins!

 

It's going to be a loooooong day today. I can tell. Just 4 hours of sleep and I'm up, EYES WIDE SHUT...more like, Self Esteem Wide Shut Due To Extreme Single-hood Loneliness Feeling.

 

Bridget Jones 3 anyone?

[loveslife]

 

I ALWAYS tell a guy when I don't want to correspond with him and, in some cases -- when they ask why -- I am honest as to the reason. I NEVER just ignore someone because I think it is incredibly rude; even though it is de rigeur in our society to treat people that way.

 

I agree. It's a very sad commentary on our society. I think it has to do with how impersonal things seem, how disposable. I'm so sorry you've been through that. I've been there, too. And it seems so pointless.

[writergal]

What an arse.

 

He called me this morning from his law firm just after I posted my two most recent threads here about our text message exchanges.

 

He said that he was in the process of responding to my email this morning around 7:30 when I texted him, and that it was his work phone, not home phone (I misheard him) that rang. So he called me from his work phone this morning.

 

It's what he told me that irritates me even more now than before. I asked him why he came inside my apartment the other night, if he was intent on respecting my boundaries after I told him that our heavy make out session on the 1st date made me uncomfortable since we didn't know each other. I added that just b/c I invite him in, doesn't mean he 1) has to go inside, and 2) if he does go inside, he can CHOOSE to respect my physical space and not initiate another heavy make out session with me since it was only our 2nd date.

 

Then I asked him why he had time to check his match.com profile but not send me a response email yesterday. He claimed he was tired from not having had a full night sleep the night beforehand (uh, hello, I didn't get 8 hours of sleep either you knucklehead, b/c I was the one you were with!) and had a bad day at work. Hmmm. But he still managed to check his match.com profile from work. What, are his fingers broken? He can't respond to my email?

 

I told him that I didn't think we should bother seeing each other anymore. I got a little teary on the phone with him, b/c I was upset when I explained that my last relationship failed for the exact same reason of getting too physical with each other too fast. And that I didn't want to repeat history with him, or be taken advantage of, which I explained I felt was already happening.

 

He then said that yes, he didn't know where this would be going with me, that he only got 2 emails from 2 other women on match.com and didn't have anything else going on -- which to me was such an arrogant statement, like he was essentially saying (I interpreted it this way anyway) to me: Well, I'm not dating anyone else right now, you're available so what the hell. It felt very disrespectful to me. Not at all like, "I really like you and don't want to see anyone else right now."

 

Then he also said that he didn't want me to "freak out about this" this weekend, and that he would try to call me over the weekend because he wanted to still see me on Monday night (which was my suggestion by the way...the only date he suggested was the Saturday date, the 2nd date time/place was my idea, so that doesn't bode well with me either). I have class until 9 p.m. on Monday night. What could we possibly do after, except go to another bar and have another glass of wine? Eh. And I'm so worn out after my 4 hour evening classes already.

 

He said, "Even if it takes me just holding your hand to convince you that I respect you and want to get to know you better, I will do just that on Monday." Excuse me. EXCUSE ME. He had 2 dates, 2 DATES to convince me that he respected me, by NOT putting the moves on me, initiating the heavy make out sessions and the oral sex (I'm human, lonely and I complied b/c I was turned on, even though it was clearly a mistake) on both our 1st and 2nd dates with me. IF he really respected me, he never would have done any of those things.

 

Why do men always blame the women for their own lack of willpower? Just because I invite you back to my apt. does not mean I want to have sex with you. Jeez. Anyway, the reason I let him in my apt. the first time was because he wanted to change from shorts to jeans, which he asked if he could do, for the second half of our date. I didn't see that as a ploy to have sex with me, since the bar we were walking to, was on the way past my apartment, in my neighborhood. So it seemed like the logical thing to do. Once we each finished changing, he kissed me, then we walked to the bar. After we walked back to my apt. from the bar, then he asked if he could come in for a while. I should have said no, that was my fault. But he didn't have to ask me. He could have respected me enough to drop me off at my apt. bldg. give me a nice kiss and ask me out again on a 2nd date. But it didn't happen like that. We had a heavy make out session, got half naked, then I told him to leave b/c i felt we went too far. That's when it all started.

 

He did send me an email this morning after our phone conversation but it was LAME. It read, "I look forward to hanging out with you on Monday. I had a lovely time on our 2nd date." No words to reassure me about anything. I mean, he has the energy to check his profile yesterday, read 2 emails from 2 different women, tell me he did this, THEN tell me he was too tired to send me a response until the next morning at 7:15 a.m. when I happen to be awake from a sleepless night, texting him at the same time about my doubts that we should see each other again? Seems ironic to me.

 

Am I overreacting or what? If he had 2 chances to be respectful to me, and blew both those chances, why does he deserve a 3rd chance? Whose to say he doesn't still try to put the moves on me again on the 3rd date, if i were to see him after my night class on Monday, when I'll be tired from 4 hours of class already by 9 p.m.

 

I'm not blaming him 100% for this. I'm definitely 50% responsible but just for my own actions. Not his.

[DollWelch]

Hold your horses, WriterGal.

 

I can't believe all this happened (drama, if you will) over some miscommunication/misunderstanding in regards to dating this man. First of all, I think you're overly analyzing this situation; working too hard for something that should be simple and natural. This is dating, not a run through a maze.

 

Two things: The fact that you told him (a) How he disrespected your boundaries, and shouldn't have welcomed himself into your apartment and (b) The frequent match dot com profile checks but no e-mail write-ups for you. A and B are bad moves, in my opinion.

 

You shouldn't have brought up those issues to him, at all. Rather, I think you shot yourself in the foot. No offense to you, I understand you have good intentions, but the confrontation with him brought upon these two ideas to mind.

 

(1) What happened in your apartment, that was all said and done. Let it go. It was a split decision on both your parts, and unfortunately, he doesn't have to compensate for his behavior that night by lavishly pouring out chivalry and romantic feelings towards you to make up for him crossing the line.

 

(2) The fact that you mentioned his profile views, only makes you look like a desperate stalker. Again, I have nothing against you, I am simply stating the way I see it. The man can view his own profile, and the profiles of other women. That's okay. He's not committing murder. However, you addressing this issue only makes him think/realize that perhaps you are not to be trusted.

 

All in all, I understand the frustrations of dating, especially this situation. But, I think you should've gone along with the flow. Given him some air and space to breathe. If he stops arranging dates with you, then so be it his loss. But he didn't stop. Instead, he continued to make arrangements to date you and get to know you better.

 

You don't know what he's thinking or what he's thought of you, so far. Have you asked him what he thinks of you, instead of focusing on the negatives?

 

If this is all too messy, and too much for you, then date other men.

 

Bottom line, if he's compatible and there are fire works, then keep him. Otherwise, don't waste your time on something that you think there is no long term future.

 

I'd say give him a chance on Monday. Don't freak out as much. Let him express himself to you, and relax. The more you focus on his faults, and flaws, the more damage you may inflict on the relationship/situation.