TerryW Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Four months ago Dday happened. I found e-mail where CS had replied to CL add for sex with a married woman. Also found out that he had been meeting a married woman for "coffee" for about a month and a half. Get this same name as my daughter. Every night when I sing "Rachel, I'm so glad that God gave you to me" yuck!! Of course he says that I caught them before sex happened. He covered his tracks so well that I can't verify if this or anything else is the truth. He says that he'll do "anything" to save our marriage. So I took him up on the offer and made him take a polygraph. He passed the first two questions (Since you've been married to Terry...sex with anyone else & Besides "whore" have you been on any other dates) failed the 3rd (Did you have sex with "whore") Examiner thought he needed to ask the 3rd question again (another test)and that's when he failed. I do have problems with the test because the examiner said that he asked "probable lie" questions to establish a baseline. The question was "Have you done anything in the past sexually that you are ashamed of?" And then he said "We all have". I haven't. Maybe right afterward I'd of been but I have years on me now and perspective. Would I have passed that test? I helps that I've only been with three people in my whole 40 years. The thing that bothers me are the lies. What is the truth? Just tell me the truth. He might be surprised that I just might be strong enough to handle it. I thought for along time that I had a choice to make (stay or go) but the truth is we have two children and if I don't bear the pain from this they will. Affecting the rest of their lives and maybe the lives of my grandchildren. I have to bear this. The real question is how. Do I just accept that I won't ever have the truth. I don't see how I can really start to get over this if I am questioning everything he's told me. I'm so dissapointed! He had been doing everything right (reading books,MC,being accountable,going to church,dealing with my emotional well-being) I've put this man through hell these past month (I know he deserves it) and still he says he wants to work this out. I've told him that I won't be his warden. I don't check his phone unless the call comes in when I there because he's smarter now and will just delete history. I can't watch him at work where he was doing all the dirty work. Never suspected a thing. All done from 8-5. Our 18th anniversary is Monday. I just want to "blackball" the day. Actually I want to find a card that says "almost doesn't count" but I digress. Can I believe him? This man who has slept beside me for twenty years that stabbed me in the back? I think that if I can just make it throught the next 8 years until the kids are out of the house....Hope. I guess I looking for hope. Can this be fixed? Thanks for listening......
ArtAsylumBoy Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 It suck even worse when this all happens so close to what is supposed to be a day that celebrates the love you have for each other. I found out a few weeks ago that my wife has been screwing around with one of her employees at work for the past few months. Apparently, cheating on me was the only way she knew how to tell me that she has been unhappy. Even though she knows I would've done anything if I knew she felt that way. Like you, we also have kids and it just sucks knowing that she would rather spend time with some dumb redneck after work than come home and spend time with her children. The reason I can relate is because our anniversary was a few days ago and I absolutely "blackballed" it as you put it. I came home from work, went upstairs and watched a movie by myself, played with my kids for a while, then we went to bed. I'd rather the day didn't even exist instead of her cheapening it by trying to act like she gave a ****. So if you're looking for some examples of whether or not it can be done, there you go. Let them know what an awful thing it was that they did. Even if our spouses had a problem with us, that's no reason to neglect the kids. Screw 'em...
Dexter Morgan Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Terry, so what ya gonna do? You know what I did? between Dday, and the not quit over a month later when I filed for divorce, we had our anniversary. I think she expected us to go out to dinner. When the weekend came that she excpected it she asked, "are we going out to dinner for our anniversary"....my answer to her, "are you f####n' kidding me?"
Author TerryW Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 My kids are getting baptized on Sunday. Right now that as far as I'm thinking about. Enjoy the good and ignore the bad for now at least. I'm definately not going to buy him a card or gift. I doubt I'll read any of the cards that come from friends or family. Probably should tell them to save their money. It's a sham and I'm not going to participate. My birthday was a couple of weeks ago and he kept trying to get me to buy myself something expensive until I told him I wouldn't sell myself so cheaply. He got me a new Bible. The "funny" thing was that the first page was about the Jewish Wedding. OW was Jewish. I'm not. I taped pages together so I don't ever have to look at it again. Probably would have asked him to return it if my kids hadn't of been involved in purchasing it. I'm planning on ignoring it. It hurts too much.
silktricks Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 :sick:i Terry... So terribly sorry to hear of your pain. Have you decided is you want to put the work in to recover the marriage? It's difficult. The fact that your husband says he'll do anything to save it is good, but it will be a ton of work for both of you, though - not just for him. Are you in marriage counselling? You may want to get into this, even if you aren't completely sure yet that you want to make it work. MC can (if you get a good one) help with that decision as well. Was this the only instance - do you know? What's your gut feeling? Has your husband talked to you about why he was checking out Craig's List for sex partners??? Before you can make any strides forward you'll need to at least begin to understand what is going on with him - and he may be confused as well - so he'll need to start getting a grasp as well. Has he started IC? If not you may tell him that is one of the things he needs to get started on.... About the anniversary... would you be able to sit through a dinner without throwing something at him? or throwing up on him? Good luck to you. BTW - my H and I celebrated our anniversary about 5 days before he told me???? by the time another one came around, I actually felt like having an anniversary, though.
LakesideDream Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 "Special Dates" became important to me quickly in marriage. Those were special celebrations. Our first anniversary came 8 weeks after the first "I need space" lie. We were still living together in the marital home. I decided to do the best I could, and just get through it. A couple of years later, months after the divorce, the anniversary went by largely without notice. Christmas too. I made a small turkey with fixins for Thanksgiving, and a Prime Rib for Christmas dinner, and have done so every year since if not traveling. I won't give in to self pity or anger. And.... I'll tell you for sure, I miss my friend Mr. Kitty who passed away two years ago this week than I have ever missed my former wife of 25 years !
Author TerryW Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 The CL excuse was "My wife has completely let herself go and is no longer interested in sex". True in some reguards. How weird that those very same words that were searded into my brain were also like a mirror. I am a very attractive woman but I was approx. 100 lbs. overweight. Only 50 lbs. now that I've been on the "pain" diet. And some of the reasons I wasn't interested in sex were his "porn" habit, no emotions just a hole to put it in, and mainly the resentments that had built up over the years from him not meeting my needs. He didn't value the job I did as a stay-at-home Mom and eventually neither did I. Yes we've been to MC. I see very clearly my faults in this marriage and probably for the first time his too. I've started walking 15 miles per week and being sexually and emotionally available to him. I realize now to make it work I have to start meeting his needs and he has started meeting mine. My "gut" says I should be very very thankfull that this was revealed to us in time before we all lost. Many more things to be said but school's out and I need to pick up my kids.
SidLyon Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Uggh - our 15th wedding anniversary was about 8 weeks after d-day and also happened to be my H's birthday. It was in the Christmas holiday week so we were on holidays by the sea, with our kids and 5 other members of his family. His family very generously took the kids out on a boat for the day leaving me and my H to celebrate on our own - then we all went out for dinner in the evening to celebrate his birthday. We really appreciated having the day to ourselves as we were genuinely trying to re-establish our relationship, however the dinner in the evening was a total nightmare for me. They all knew of our troubles but it was just such a large elephant in the room. It was tinged with real sadness for me because I could still remember saying at the time of our 10th anniversary that we should do something special - we never did and I didn't find out until d-day that this was at the height of the A. I recommend that if you are trying to rebuild your marriage that you do do something together - not too big and definitely nothing that involves any sort of false gaiety from other family members. S
aeh Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 It is interesting how much dates have an effect on your mind. We had just celebrated our 15th anniversary less than two weeks prior to D-Day. The funny thing for us was that the kids had been at camp the week after our anniversary and we had joked that we would have "Naked Week" and be walking around the house naked the entire week and presumably having lots of sex. Well, he didn't initiate things even once. Granted, I should have, but....After an entire week of no interest on his part (he now says he was so tired of being rejected that he just didn't even try), I for the first time thought there could be someone else. I also remember my bday last year and how he gave me a card at the end of the day when he got home. Such an afterthought. He mentioned something about if I wanted to join the gym (I had told him I wanted to join this new one) as my present. With the economy and all I told him I'd think about it. As it turns out, she worked out all the time. Grrrrrr. Of course, now I've lost the 15 pounds I was carrying around and am getting LOTS of other male attention, but I digress...I have told him that I consider us being married for just 14 years since he started the A shortly after our 14th anniversary a year ago. Oh, maybe I'll give him that year so it's 15...I guess I was married to him in my mind anyway for this last year...but for me, as I said in another thread, I'm now single in my head, working on rebuilding a M. (Totally conflicting, I know, but this is my state of mind....) Oh, the other thing with "dates" was his bday came shortly after DDay. I couldn't find a card that adequately expressed my feelings. They were all lovey dovey, and "what a great person you are" or "from your wife of so many happy years" or some other bs that I certainly didn't feel like saying. So I finally found one that said something to the effect of 'hope you have a great year' and I was very non-committal in the card. He totally picked up on it and how it could be just wishing for him to have a good life, even if I wasn't in it. I wasn't trying to be catty, that was just all I could say at that point. I still don't know what the future will bring.. Likely we will be together, but I'm not making any promises.
Author TerryW Posted September 23, 2009 Author Posted September 23, 2009 Monday came and went. I walked my 3 miles and then slept for a couple of hours.(could not deal) WS brought home roses,card and then we went out to eat. Not nearly as painful as I thought.
FreezorBurn Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Monday came and went. I walked my 3 miles and then slept for a couple of hours.(could not deal) WS brought home roses,card and then we went out to eat. Not nearly as painful as I thought. Terry can you help me with this. Caught my wife in a EA 2 months ago, I am still struggling. I feel like black listing it this year. But we are tring to get threw this. I don't want to reward her for these actions. Like "oh look I had a EA and now look at the great wedding ann. we are having." Who has done been threw this? How did it turn out. I think I will tell her: "You plan it if you want to do somthing, Becuase I don't feel like celabrating our Marriage." I don't want to celebrate 11 years of Mappy marraige when I only know of 10. What should a husband do about this????
Author TerryW Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 I don't know if I can help as I'm pretty messed up and over by this but I'll help in any way I can. I'm just working on myself right now. I actually RAN at the track today. I realize the only thing I can control is me. We're reading "the Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I'm waiting for the pain to subside some more before I can start appling the principles. If it was me I probably wouldn't go out of my way to celebrate. She has to understand that it's too painful for much. Maybe a non lovey dovey card. Enough that you acknowledge it but not too much to reward bad behavior.
veryjaded Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 The CL excuse was "My wife has completely let herself go and is no longer interested in sex". True in some reguards. How weird that those very same words that were searded into my brain were also like a mirror. I am a very attractive woman but I was approx. 100 lbs. overweight. Only 50 lbs. now that I've been on the "pain" diet. And some of the reasons I wasn't interested in sex were his "porn" habit, no emotions just a hole to put it in, and mainly the resentments that had built up over the years from him not meeting my needs. He didn't value the job I did as a stay-at-home Mom and eventually neither did I. Yes we've been to MC. I see very clearly my faults in this marriage and probably for the first time his too. I've started walking 15 miles per week and being sexually and emotionally available to him. I realize now to make it work I have to start meeting his needs and he has started meeting mine. My "gut" says I should be very very thankfull that this was revealed to us in time before we all lost. Terry, First, I want to say that none of these "reasons" are an excuse for your H's actions and good for you for making changes and getting in shape, etc. My question is how receptive do you think you would have been if instead of the Craisglist ad, your H had come to you and said that losing 100 Lbs was really important to him and that it was affecting his relationship/attraction with you? (or something along those lines) Do you think you would have made the same efforts you have been doing? Or just got pissed because he said something? Not defending the resulting actions that some H's take, but sometimes "delicate" subjects like this are not well received by the W's and then only result in a fight or resentment and NO changes. This of course can lead to the spouse feeling like things will never change so why bother making the effort.
LakesideDream Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Monday came and went. I walked my 3 miles and then slept for a couple of hours.(could not deal) WS brought home roses,card and then we went out to eat. Not nearly as painful as I thought. Terry. I'm glad you dealt with it well. It's not easy, and it's not going to be easy for awhile. Your post made me realize that I'll have an annv. coming up in a couple of months, would be 33. Know what? I don't care. The day will come and go. Right now I'm looking forward to making a nice Turkey day dinner in a couple of months and chowing down... I'll do the same on Christmas. There are worse things that being alone on the holidays. Who knows? Maybe I'll be sharing with someone. The message, don't fret about it. It'll be OK.
Author TerryW Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 I have thought about this alot. I don't think I would have been very receptive. But then again I'll never know. WH is an "avoidance liar" per "His Needs, Her Needs". I really didn't realize the scope of the problem. (Not the weight--I got that) but the resentment and anger he said he was feeling. He comes at things in around about way not directly. If he had of said for example "I going to cheat on you if you don't lose weight" I would have been pissed but probably would have gotten myself into gear. Instead I got passive-aggressive smart a$$ comments. This is the way WH tries to control me. Make everything my fault and I would take it and turn it against myself. Vicious cycle.
Author TerryW Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 I thought WH was perfect. I thought I was the problem. I never saw his faults until now. Everybody thinks he's the greatest guy and I must be the problem. Everything was my fault. I had no power in this marriage. When I would voice a request he would do whatever he wanted to do. I haven't worked in 15 years. I was letting "people" use me for stupid stuff. (ie..I can sew like a SOB. You give me a flat piece of fabric and I can't turn it into the item of your dream. Maybe even better but I was fixing everybodies stuff for free) I wouldn't stand up for myself. What the point he won't listen anyway. Now....I see his controlling behavior, his narcissistic behaviors, his inability to voice his emotions. I made it easy for him to think I was patethic. I made it easy for him to think everything was my fault. He got off on being the perfect one. He and I both forgot who I was. I had men all over me when I was younger. When did I get so beat down? Why did I get so beat down? Please don't start on me because I readily admit my faults in this marriage. I haven't read too many post that say what their faults were. I'm taking responsibility for my part in making this go bad. I think it is the only way to start getting past this. I see my faults. I finally see his too. He stepped over the line instead of talking to me. period. Like I said this pattern of thinking is gone thank God. I'm not perfect but I'm not a worthless horrible person either. If one good thing has come of this at least I'm thinking right.
Author TerryW Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Sorry I got so defensive. There's nothing anyone can say or worse that I haven't said to myself. Just a sore spot.
Author TerryW Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 I guess I proved your point. Why is it better to be bad on the inside but look good doing it than to be great on the inside but show your pain/fault on the outside? Because it's easier to look at you and decide you're not worthy in a second than it is to get to know you and spend time learning your faults? Why is this tearing me up inside thinking you're going to judge me and think she got what she deserved?
Recommended Posts