kaiteebug Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I have been married 6 years in November. Well, on June 13, 3 months ago, my husband caught me having a texting relationship with another guy from work. It was an emotional relationship, nothing physical ever happened nor was it going to. Since then my hubby has been very angry, rightfully so, but he has taken them to extremes I don't think are right. He checks my phone from time to time, I do understand that one. I had to give him my passwords to my e-mail account and facebook account and so he checks those now. He keeps making snide comments, throwing it back in my face. He got so angry one time about a month ago because I had my phone out and he wondered who I called and so on. So he took my phone and checked our phone account to see. He saw that I had talked to one of our friends the day before and asked why I didn't tell him, what exactly was said (a female friend at that). Then he got real angry and asked if I was still talking to this guy. He said that if i ever cheated on him (which I didn't) or ever do, then he would kill me, that he would get 5-10 years in jail, but he would get to see the kids and i wouldn't. That really made me mad so the next day I took off work early and packed me and the kids things and was getting ready to leave, well he left early too and caught me. He took the luggage out of the trunk, made me go through them so he could see what I was taking and then he took a fuse out of my battery so I could not leave. We did go to marriage counseling twice, but it just seemed to fuel his fire even more, so I quit for now. I went on to see a therapist on my own, and she told me that he was dangerous because he thretened me. Well, he hasn't laid a hand on me. We were fighting one day and I told him that I told the therapist that and now he has forbidden me to see one becaue he says it is detrimental to our marriage. He said if I go then he will divorce me. He says he has every right to be controlling and possesive now. My friends told me that he doesn't want me to go because I will get strong and start to stand up to him and he wants to keep control. Ok lets back up a min, the reason I got into this mess is because I felt unloved, he belittled me every now and then, a lil jealous (eventhough he denies), and he is an *******. Here is this guy who was giving me attention and I liked it so I took it. Don't get me wrong I know I was wrong and I don't condone it. I have apologized and I am trying to take responsibility for my actions, but he is making in very difficult to the point of thinking about leaving him. I feel like if I even pick up my phone he will come unglued. We are getting along with now...but then I caved into him too. Also, i still have very strong feelings for this guy. I just feel my hubby is pushing me away with his anger. He says that he will take 5% of the blame but it is 95% my fault. Yes this is my fault, but it takes 2. He also told me that he would like to beat this guy to a bloody pulp and in front of me. Not good!!! What do I do? DO I just hang in there? I feel I am not happy with him anymore, hence why I let myself fall into the trap of another man. We have 2 kids together and I don't want to hurt them. I just don't see him ever letting this go. He has already told me he wouldnever forgive me but could put it behind him. I know I am rambling and going all over the place, but that is how my mind is right now. Does he have the right to be this way? Yes, I understand re-building trust, but the anger, the snide commetns, the threats, the fact that he says he has a right to control me and be possessive of me now? My therapist told me he does not and to get away from him, the couple of times I was allowed to go. I did tell her a lil more too that I probably am not telling here. What to do???
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 You need to learn how to plan A, threatrening to take his kids away isnt exactly rebuilding your marriage. He's lashing out because he's angry and hurt. Your feelings about you starting and emotional affair is wrong. You say it wasnt cheating but it was. You need to own that, absorb it and own it. He's going through an anger phase. he will survive but only if you dont be defensive. if he lays a hand on you, then leave. But be open to his questions, dont be defensive and help him get through it. Go to counciling, and a good councilor at that. let him have his say and dont be defensive. He has every right to know who your talking to and what your up to. You lost that right for secrecy with the affair, did you think he could automatically trust you again. You have to build it back from scratch sometimes... I hope everything works out for you.
2.50 a gallon Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I would suggest that you read the latest threads of Tojaz, Phineas and MrMAyI and their feelings about their cheating wives to get an insight of what your H is experiencing He sees the OM as a threat to his family. In his eyes he is trying to protect his children. Yes, you and the OM are hurting his children just the same as if a stranger on the street was to attack them. I can totally understand why you H would not be trusting you, and why you have to be totally transparent The OM is a weasel, preying on a vulnerable married woman. Why would you put your faith in such a low life? If he was a real man, he would wait until the marriage is over.
Mrs. Ambivalent Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves." A few thoughts here from me. With or w/o the OM, Emotional Affair, call it what you will, your marriage is in trouble. Those who have nothing to hide - hide nothing. BUT that does not mean he's allowed to be so controlling of you, etc. Let's recap some of what you said: He has dismantled your car so you couldn't leave You feel unloved He belittles you If you see a therapist he will divorce you He sees your phone is 'out' so therefore it means you must have called someone and then interrogates you You are not happy From what I am reading in your post, here is a guy who has an anger and control problem. Now you've just given him a reason to justify his actions. Now he can say 'you did this to me' and 'it's 95% your fault'. Do not start another relationship to end yours. Stay away from OM because it's not helpful. You need to do some soul searching and be o.k. with who you are and what you want out of your marriage. If you leave the marriage, once it's over you'll have plenty of time to welcome someone else into your life. Don't do it now because you're not happy in your marriage. Figure out the best, healthiest way to 'fix' your marriage or start planning your exit strategy right now. Set aside cash, what do you need to take out of the home (keepsakes, not talking furniture here), where will you stay, etc. Maybe you need to pack an overnight back and leave it with a friend or relative so if things get bad and you need to leave then you won't need to be packing things for yourself and your children you can just go. Without giving him time to dismantle your car. He sounds dangerous to me, and if he truly is I think you need to plan for that day where you walk out and have to do it quickly and not pause to take things. Maybe I'm not getting the whole picture but I have a feeling it's worse than you are portraying and you're just afraid to tell the whole story or he has somehow convinced you that it's not as bad as you think it is. It's called brainwashing. Anyway, sorry to be so blunt here but your post concerned me. Good luck. Let us know how it's going.
silic0ntoad Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 IDK about all that. This guy doesn't trust his wife and wants to keep his family afloat. Idle words without active threats are simply that- idle words. When spoken in anger they are amplified. He is doing exactly what any man would do if he doesn't trust his wife and is willing to act in anger. Sure, he may have not done things the "right" way, but how did he know for sure that you weren't going to see this other guy? You have to think about it. Fix the marriage or leave. Either way, even though you claim to know you were wrong, you cheated, and you have a long, hard road ahead of you to reclaim his trust. Frankly, after what I've been through, I wouldn't tolerate any of it and kick the cheater to the curb. But he hasn't given up yet.
Owl Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 It sounds to me like the both of you have some HUGE, HUGE issues to work through. He clearly has some tremendous anger and control issues to work through. You clearly do NOT recognize that what you engaged in was an "emotional affair" and every bit as devestating and destructive to your marriage and your H as if you'd actually met this guy in person. At this point, the two of you need to decide if there's enough of a foundation between you to actually HAVE a marriage. You both also need to decide what the best plan of action is to protect your kids from all of the insanity the two of you have created...clearly the stress you guys are putting them through with your actions is NOT healthy for them at all!!! I'd suggest that you do some SERIOUS research online about emotional affairs...go over to the infidelity forum on this site, and read up there...heck, take a look for some of my posts from five years ago if you like. I'd also suggest that you tell your H that he needs to get his anger under control. He also needs to work WITH you to find a marriage counselor that the both of you can work with to sort through all of these issues...and if he refuses, it's time for divorce. Do so in a 'safe' setting...in public or something. This is a two-pronged approach. He has to fix his issues...no doubt. But you also need to stop 'minimizing' the damage and devestation caused by your emotional affair, and own taking responsibility for that.
ryepatch Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 if he actually made a threat to kill you. . . i think you need to leave to make this marriage work. don't come back until he's gotten some serious counseling and help with his violent tendencies and actions. he also threatened to beat this guy to a "bloody pulp." this is how violence gets perpetuated in the world. if women wouldn't stay with violent guys, they would have to learn to deal with their issues. i'm sorry, i think it should b a deal breaker. and if you look at my posts, in almost every situation i've been in favor of people staying and working on their marriage. does he have a history of getting into fights or trying to solve problems with violence? controlling behaviour is one thing, violent threats are another. move out, then write him a letter or whatever telling him how you feel. and don't have any kind of affair with anyone else, you don't want to give him ammunition. good luck, and keep the kids safe.
D-Lish Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 OMG, the man is threatening to "kill" you- and people are passing that comment by to call you a cheater, as if you somehow deserve to be threatened with violence (or deserve violence period). Obviously there were problems before you began talking to another man. I agree that you should take the other guy out of the equation and deal with why you are so unhappy in your marriage. In my opinion, you should get OUT of this marriage. He's a controlling bully, and people that make you believe that you should put up with threats of violence as a punishment for your indiscretion should be ashamed of themselves. Don't look to another man to help with your excuse to leave- look to the threats of violence. Your H has actually said he'd kill you- and has mentioned he'd take 5-10... That means he has THOUGHT about this. Leave hun, find a safe haven and get yourself settled.
Mrs. Ambivalent Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 IMO Threatening to kill OP and dismantling the car is not 'working on the marriage, trying to keep the family together, protecting the children', it's abuse. Generally speaking, you can't force someone to stay with you in the guise of 'keeping the family together, doing good for the family'. The only person you can control is you. You can control the ability to handle the outcome if a person strays, you can't control if they stray. Forcing someone to stay will only breed contempt and resentment. I wish you the best, let us know how you're doing.
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