unsettledgirl Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Been married for over fifteen years and have children, house, everything. I'm in my early thirties now and have changed a lot in the last year. I no longer do things without question or bend over backwards to make him happy or not angry. I don't feel love for him and resent him a lot. During our marriage I've dealt with so much from him. He is controlling and has a terrrible temper. I have no friends or personal life. He has addiction issues he's dealing with and always has. He is disrespectful and rude to me a lot. But, he is the father of the kids and loves me alot. He has improved over the years but I just have no desire to work on things now. I feel I'm staying because of guilt. I also have a high sexual drive which turns him off. We have nothing in common at all and never really talk. He's let himself go physically since he's 'married' while I take great care of myself. I just don't want to hurt him. He's so dependent on me to take care of him and used to our comfortable life. I do care about him a lot. I think about the kids not having a family home to bring the grandchildren too and all that. This sucks! I almost wish he'd do something bad to justify my leaving.
Enema Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 You only get one life, do you want to spend it being unhappy? How happy can he be when you've already mentally checked out? Probably best for everyone involved if you get out. Painful in the short-term, but you'll be grateful in the long.
ryepatch Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 have you been to marital counseling? does he know how you feel? at least give him an ultimatum. if he's improved over the years, then he's likely to be willing to do more. figure out exactly what you want out of him, figure out what he would have to do for your resentment to start to lift.
tojaz Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Your post makes it sound like you have already made up your mind. Is that the case and your looking for justification, or are you looking to explore options to save your marriage as well? This forum is mostly made up of those left behind, myself included. The decision is obviously yours, but we need to know in order to offer any helpful advice. There is a lot of truth in both posts above, all be it from different sides of the same fence. TOJAZ
singledad2 Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I would like for you guys to get to counseling, even if you need to leave to get him there. The kids. You are right to be concerned about them in this. Again, if you have hope for a better relationship, end this one with him and make him improve so you guys can have a new better one. Coming from what I am going through I would hope if he cares he will see his part in all this and want to work it out. You will need to do something drastic to get him to pony up his part of the deal. You dont deserve the disrespect. He may have to go off and deal with the addiction before he can deserve you. Its really dependent on your belief system too. Good luck.
Mrs. Ambivalent Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Hi and welcome I only have a few minutes, I'll comment later. Some of how you are feeling is similar to me. Click on my name and then there's a way you can find the thread that I have started. Read my story and see if you can relate. Our stories sound a little similar. I've been married 18 years, kids, house the whole bit. My husbands anger problem has been a big problem for us our entire marriage and I am at the end of my rope too. The guilt of feeling like I'm putting my happiness above everyone elses keeps me here. For now anyway. But then my H's anger has been getting worse and he's inflicting it on our kids, especially our younger son who has special needs. Enough is enough. Hang in there! Hope to talk to you soon
Author unsettledgirl Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Hi and welcome I only have a few minutes, I'll comment later. Some of how you are feeling is similar to me. Click on my name and then there's a way you can find the thread that I have started. Read my story and see if you can relate. Our stories sound a little similar. I've been married 18 years, kids, house the whole bit. My husbands anger problem has been a big problem for us our entire marriage and I am at the end of my rope too. The guilt of feeling like I'm putting my happiness above everyone elses keeps me here. For now anyway. But then my H's anger has been getting worse and he's inflicting it on our kids, especially our younger son who has special needs. Enough is enough. Hang in there! Hope to talk to you soon I'll go look up your post. From what you've said you sound just like me. Same time frame, house, kids, etc. Anger/control issues. Putting others first/guilt. There is no passion left in my marriage and it's sad to live like that. I tried talking to him today and said that I think if we joined a gym together or something it would be fun and productive and bring us closer. He just dismissed the idea and it broke my heart because I keep trying, but he's not putting the effort back. I'm lost. My heart wants to leave, but my head says to stay.
lkjh Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 have you actually told him you are not happy and you may leave or are you coding it? You need to be clear, I highly doubt your H would shoot down a gym idea if he knew you wanted to leave. Flat out tell him everything and let him know what you need. Think about it, your SO saying lets join a gym doesnt actually scream out they are not happy
singledad2 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 You have so many options right now. Be thankful. Now I have to say something on my mind... I still think this addiction thing is an 800 lb gorilla in the room we are ignoring. Is it something you want to ignore? Are you an enabler? Co-Dependent? You need to find out what is going on with yourself, with or without him. You don't have to divorce or separate to leave him, but a wake up call needs to be made. Addictions are shame and shame in a relationship can cause ugly things.
ryepatch Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 what's he addicted to, if you don't mind my asking? how does it affect your relationship?
Mrs. Ambivalent Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Hi, me again. Finally have more time to really respond. Not sure if your H will get the message if it's not loud and clear. You say he's comfortable with his life, so why would he change it unless he knew it was about to change in ways that he wasn't happy with (you leaving)? It's a tough spot to be in, to feel always in limbo, not being able to decide if it's too bad to leave or not. Sounds like your marriage is breaking down. It won't get better on its own. You'll need to do something to bring you closer together or make steps to end it so you can both move on and be happy. Life is definitely too short for you to be so unhappy. But again, my feeling is that unless he knows you're on your way out the door he won't have the wake up call he needs. When you say you asked him to join a gym and he refused and it broke your heart probably what he heard out of you was 'do you want to join a gym?', not what you meant which might have been 'I would like to spend more time with you and do something together that we can both enjoy, how about joining a gym?'. I asked my H to start walking with me last spring and he said 'no I don't want to walk, all I do at work all day is walk, I don't need the exercise'. It bothered me also because really I just wanted to have some uninterrupted time with him so that we would be able to talk w/o the kids there and maybe have a good conversation. But his answer was so blunt and he seemed so annoyed that I would even suggest it that I just walked away. Again, he may never know that all I wanted was more time with him. I think women (can't speak for men but maybe it's the same) tend to make up their minds then can't switch it back. The therapist tried to warn my H about that. She said "I think there may come a time when it's too late and when she makes up her mind there will be nothing you can do to change it, and right now you have the chance to make it better". My H promised he would make more of an effort. Didn't last long. Sorry to make this about me, just wanted to commiserate I guess. Let us know how you're doing and what else you've tried.
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