Offer me guidance?

[Lynx331]

I'm looking for guidance... I'm not going to bore you with a big long story about what all happened.. The short of it is I broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years.. She was also the first girl i got very serious with. We had been having problems.. But a ultamadium ended up being the crushing blow. *The problem I am having is deep inside.. I want her.. I want to be with her. *We have broken up again and again with promises of change.. This time isthe same.. She promises change and realizes what she has lost.. However this time..She now ha a small part time job, She is seeing a councelor and goingto a physcaitrist and being put on depression medication. *(she is suffering from depression due to alot of traumatic events in her life). *My parents have came to me on numerous occasions telling me how they don't like the way she treats me, how she asks me to pay for everything, wouldn't get a job, asked me to buy her cell phones etc. *I guess maybe the depression had something to do with that? *They also don't like how I have given up everyhing for her.. I stopped working out, I stopped working on my cars, and hanging out with my friends.. Because I just wanted to be with her and make her happy.. Yet we would still argue all the time. *I will not sit here and say I'm perfect I'm not perfect at all, and I realize you guys are only getting one side ofthe story here. *But my parents and my friends fully support the decision I have made.. They believe it's best.. But for some reason I'm so torn up about this.. Everything I see or hear remind me of her.. (we have only een seperated about a week and a half) saw eachother twice.. And still texted sometimes.. *I have been told all kinds of different things.. Don't contact her, go out with someone else, I deserve better. *But I don't know what to do.. I feel so down.. I would want nothing else other than to be with her.. And us be happy, I have never cared for someone as much as I do for her... I broke up with her telling her I need time.. Because I hav been made cold.. In our relationship I would count th minutes til the next fight... And I need time to let everything go if we are going to try it again.. And I guess I hope she will realize what she lost and e willing to try harder. *I'm not saying I'm the greatest prize she can have.. But I do k ow I busted my butt to make her happy.. And i feel like what I did was never good enough or appreciated.. Anyone have any insight? Should I go date someone else? Should I do no contact? Any guidance?I feel so lost

[Lynx331]

I forgot to add that.. It's making it more difficult because she became my best friend.. I felt I could talk to her about anything.. She really became my best friend

[Odyssey]

How does she feel? How did she react to the breakup?

[Lynx331]

She was mad at me, made me feel like a jerk for doing it.. It got dragged out for 2 days her being mad.. Then supporting me.. Then wanting me back.. Then mad again.. Then saying she's gona move on of we have time apart, and she's already been asked out by two guys.. Basicaly trying to make me feel bad/jealous. And I just actually talked to my mom... And she actually cried because she said she runs me around and treats me bad and doesn't want to see her son go through this and get treated this way.. I can't believe my mom is actually crying over this.. It really makes me think maybe I just can't see the situation as clearly as they can..

[Lynx331]

Anyone? It's actually been a day and a half of NC and it's honestly killing me...

[Darren09]

plain and simple mate this doesnt sound like a good relationship. I think you can do better and deep down you know that. I think you need to give this more time and then you will be able to see things more clearly. Is this the girl you wanna spend your life with? Or is she just gonna keep treatin you bad and coming back to this everytime? Sometimes things are jus not ment to be. Unfortunatley mate i cant make that decision for you but you defo need to clear your head and take some time to really see the relationship for what it really is.

[Maoky]

Honestly I don't think you should "try again".

 

You've tried this several times already, with promises that there would be change, but nothing has happened. You seem to be dependent upon her, and I can see where your parents are coming from. You've stopped being YOU, and started revolving your life around hers. I'm sorry you're hurting, but I don't think this relationship will work for either of you.

[Lynx331]

plain and simple mate this doesnt sound like a good relationship. I think you can do better and deep down you know that. I think you need to give this more time and then you will be able to see things more clearly. Is this the girl you wanna spend your life with? Or is she just gonna keep treatin you bad and coming back to this everytime? Sometimes things are jus not ment to be. Unfortunatley mate i cant make that decision for you but you defo need to clear your head and take some time to really see the relationship for what it really is.

 

Yea I agree I'm gona give it more time, to be honest I would have loved to spend te rest of my life with her.. There is no one I care for more.. But if it doesn't work I guess I have to do the best I can... Itcomes in waves.. I'll be ok then bam.. I just tried so hard to make her happy.. And it sucks when you put eerything you have into something.. And to feel almost.. Taken for granted.. I having a really hard time just not talking to her.. It's driving me insane

[Lynx331]

Honestly I don't think you should "try again".

 

You've tried this several times already, with promises that there would be change, but nothing has happened. You seem to be dependent upon her, and I can see where your parents are coming from. You've stopped being YOU, and started revolving your life around hers. I'm sorry you're hurting, but I don't think this relationship will work for either of you.

 

Yes I do feel somwhat dependant on her.. Whenever I was down or mad.. She was always there to pick me up.. I guess that's what it is.. Through all the bad there was good.. And I guess that's what I'm clinging onto.. Should I try and date other people? Alot of my friends and my parents are telling me I should try and date other people.. And when I find someone who treats me like I treated her.. I'll forget all about her.. Atleast that's what try say, isn't it too soon.. It's technically been a week an a half, but we still talked.. Or would going out with someone else show me what I am missing?

[Darren09]

I dated the other night and i couldnt help but sit there and compare everything to the ex. If you ask me its just way too soon! i dont recommend dating theres no quick fix for the way you feel. stay no contact show everyone including yourself that your the man. dont take no **** from nobody your in control! " Build your life around yourself and share it with someone else rather than Building it around her " Just remember that you can learn from all of this and prove to your family that you can live your life without someone dragging you down. Focus on u

[fireftrjef]

Hey Lynx,

 

You're not alone. I am going through a very similiar situation. We weren't together as long, but I developed feelings for her, loved her...and she was also my best friend. We were genuinely good around each other. The problem was the arguments. Not just arguments, but she would say things when we argued to get an edge on me, always wanting the last word...saying things to put me down or mock me. I can handle a ligitimate argument, if there is such a thing...but don't start throwing dirt in my face and putting me down or trying to get back at me by saying needless untrue things.

 

Long story short, the arguments became more frequent. Then she started having talks with me, telling me I should be doing this, or I should be doing that...as if I wasn't loving her well enough. Seriously. Talk about un-grateful. When I would bring up something I felt needed to be addressed it was always spun around to where it was my fault she was that way. It became bad enough that I started questioning myself. She never admitted anything she did was wrong, when I always fessed up, saying yeah you got a point...I should think about that. . I realized...it is really just part of her personality, and its part of her and I can't change it.

 

I started having more and more resentment. Like you, I was getting uneasy...thinking when is the next argument and what is it going to be for? I mean, we had the best day one day...just spending time together, and she messed it up by starting a worthless argument over something completely hypothetical. Completely ruining the best day we had. Talking about walking on eggshells. I was getting full of resentment. To where she could sense it...by my mood and even the way I hugged her.

 

Here's the hard part. I loved the good side of her. I have told my friends that if it weren't for the arguing and spoiled brat behavior, she would be perfect.

 

I broke it off a month ago. I still wake up thinking about her. I still have dreams she is in. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I miss her. I miss "the dream" of what could have been. That is what makes me sad.

 

I should have done the no contact thing. Maybe even blocked her number...She poured on a guilt trip like no other. Basically telling me I had no reason to end it, that I'm cold hearted, and this and that. It's like she wasn't getting her way so she just said things to get even. The worse thing is, it kind of worked, I let the guilt trip get to me. Bad thing.

 

It is hard to break up and move on when you have feelings but realize it's not going to work. You have to listen to your voice of reasoning and judgement over your own heart sometimes. Two sides of you are in conflict. It is the hardest thing to do. But it is a "toxic relatiionship" and I had to get out...I couldn't handle it.

 

I know this was long, but in a way it helps me cope...

[Lynx331]

Hey Lynx,

 

You're not alone. I am going through a very similiar situation. We weren't together as long, but I developed feelings for her, loved her...and she was also my best friend. We were genuinely good around each other. The problem was the arguments. Not just arguments, but she would say things when we argued to get an edge on me, always wanting the last word...saying things to put me down or mock me. I can handle a ligitimate argument, if there is such a thing...but don't start throwing dirt in my face and putting me down or trying to get back at me by saying needless untrue things.

 

Long story short, the arguments became more frequent. Then she started having talks with me, telling me I should be doing this, or I should be doing that...as if I wasn't loving her well enough. Seriously. Talk about un-grateful. When I would bring up something I felt needed to be addressed it was always spun around to where it was my fault she was that way. It became bad enough that I started questioning myself. She never admitted anything she did was wrong, when I always fessed up, saying yeah you got a point...I should think about that. . I realized...it is really just part of her personality, and its part of her and I can't change it.

 

I started having more and more resentment. Like you, I was getting uneasy...thinking when is the next argument and what is it going to be for? I mean, we had the best day one day...just spending time together, and she messed it up by starting a worthless argument over something completely hypothetical. Completely ruining the best day we had. Talking about walking on eggshells. I was getting full of resentment. To where she could sense it...by my mood and even the way I hugged her.

 

Here's the hard part. I loved the good side of her. I have told my friends that if it weren't for the arguing and spoiled brat behavior, she would be perfect.

 

I broke it off a month ago. I still wake up thinking about her. I still have dreams she is in. I still get a sick feeling in my stomach when I miss her. I miss "the dream" of what could have been. That is what makes me sad.

 

I should have done the no contact thing. Maybe even blocked her number...She poured on a guilt trip like no other. Basically telling me I had no reason to end it, that I'm cold hearted, and this and that. It's like she wasn't getting her way so she just said things to get even. The worse thing is, it kind of worked, I let the guilt trip get to me. Bad thing.

 

It is hard to break up and move on when you have feelings but realize it's not going to work. You have to listen to your voice of reasoning and judgement over your own heart sometimes. Two sides of you are in conflict. It is the hardest thing to do. But it is a "toxic relatiionship" and I had to get out...I couldn't handle it.

 

I know this was long, but in a way it helps me cope...

 

 

Ummmmm were we dating the same girl???? That is EXACTLY how I felt... I always had to apologize even when I was wrong.. During a fight she would call me names and what not.. Wow... I'm Just shocked i feel the exact same way..

[Odyssey]

Lynx, i gotta say, she treated you like crap and in a way, you let her walk all over you, even when you felt deep down that she was wrong. I think you you did the right thing in breaking up with her, not only because it felt right for you, but because of her behavior after the breakup, shows that she was immature.

 

I know you feel guilty and when you miss someone, you tend to dwell on the good things you did together, right? But KNOW that you did the right thing.

 

As far as dating other people to help you cope? I've heard it works for some people, as long as it's kept casual. But it didn't work for me.

[Lynx331]

First off let me thank everyone for their time and there responses.. I honestly probably wouldn't have made it this far NC without this website, and that's the truth! So thank you all for that! The major problem I am running into right now.. Is I find myself wanting to check her facebook.. And just see if she's got some picture up there of her and someother guy I know it sounds stupid.. Lol but I just keep telling myself "I can't handle news about her, or what she would have to say" cuz I think if I saw her with some other guys or a picture of her happy and smiling without me.. It would make me feel better.. But I already know the chilly.. Unexplainable feeling that would go across my body... And I would feel like crap all over again... I dunno...

[Lynx331]

I'm actually feeling pretty weak right now.. It sucks.. I know I did the right thing.. And actually.. I've met this girl.. That is just unbelieveable.. Very similiar interests, morals, goals... Just awsome.. And I know I've made the right decision.. I dunno what has me holding on here.. I wanna be stupid and check her facebook.. But I just keep telling myself I can't

[Odyssey]

No Foolin's brilliant post might help you on your journey...

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

[Lynx331]

Thank you for that link, that is an amazing post! Made me feel better. I guess I'm just having a bad day here, I just want to know if she's doing ok, I just wish I could tell what is holding me on so bad! This is crazy.. I know I did the right thing, my family is overjoyed, I've met someone else.. Yet still my ex is on my mind... I almost wish she would have broke up with me.. I think that would have made it easier...

[Northwesthunny]

I'm actually feeling pretty weak right now.. It sucks.. I know I did the right thing.. And actually.. I've met this girl.. That is just unbelieveable.. Very similiar interests, morals, goals... Just awsome.. And I know I've made the right decision.. I dunno what has me holding on here.. I wanna be stupid and check her facebook.. But I just keep telling myself I can't

 

 

Have you deleted her off FB?? Im like this with my ex - so i deleted him, i still find myself checking his profile but luckily i cant see any info cos we arnt friends

[Lynx331]

I don't have a facebook, but I just know if I go to her site I can atleast see a picture of her.. I realize that may sound dumb... I just wish I could talk to her... Idk.. I just don't understand why things couldn't have worked out... I tried very hard for her... Very very hard... And it bothers me that I did so much.. And it was like it wasn't appreciated.. And she hasn't even tried to contact me either.. She has been seeing a councelor.. So I feel like her councelor is probably telling her I'm the devil.. And she's probably already moving on and here I am... Still wondering, curious and upset...

[Lynx331]

I just wish I could see if she's ok, I have her sisters number, I wanna call her.. And just see if she's ok.. Or I wanna look at her facebook.. I don't know if I almost want the bomb dropped on me that she's ok, or that I want to see that she's with someone else so that it will be real to me.. Or I wanna hear from her or her sister that she's great and happy, and better without me.. Almost so it will like slap me in the face.. Maybe it would make it easier.. Harder at first.. Then easier... Idk.. I really don't know what to think anymore.. I really don't.. But then I also wonder if I was to try and make contact.. I would be setting myself upto be the weaker person.. The person who can't stand behind what he did, and she may loose respect for me or something.. I'm just really screwed up right now

[fireftrjef]

You are doing the same thing that I do. You are dwelling on the good things about her that you gave up. I thought about this last night, and figured it like this.

 

She had alot of good going for her, but her high drama, creating stupid arguments, and being a brat, having her way is just as much a part of her personality just like the good things I liked. So, the negative part of her is this big ugly hole in her personality, but its a part of the whole package...and I asked myself if I could deal with that aspect...of course not. It would be like buying a new home with a huge jagged hole in a wall, I wouldn't buy that house because I don't want to spend the extra time repairing that ugly hole. I'd find a better deal. Crazy analogy I know, but it helps!

 

Mine wasn't into the FB thing and so I don't have to worry about that part. My problem is she will still send me an email or text message - right when I'm feeling better, stronger....and it sends me into a death spiral of dwelling thoughts again. So I have to avoid the temptation of reading them.

 

I am doing the same thing too. I am finding myself wondering who she is with, if anyone. The good thing about that is, I knew I put up with her longer than I should have, and alot of people out there wouldn't do the same thing - so I know she will have a hard time having a relationship with someone until she changes her ways, unless they just don't have a backbone and let her use them as a doormat. Which is what I did for too long, because I wanted it to work.

 

Like you though, I also think that if I saw her with someone that it would be a reality check for me, and I will be able to move on that much easier.

 

Oh and keep reminding yourself how pissed off and fed up you were on day 1 when you left.

[Lynx331]

I feel the same way, about the hole in her personality. And in your analogy I wouldn't buy that house either.. I just don't understand what has me hanging on this this so much.. I just don't understand why all of a sudden this has gotten so difficult.. I have been able to manage decently until now with the help of these forums, now I just feel like the only thing that would make me feel better would be to hear about her. Like I said call her sister.. Or something like that, I've beento her councelors before.. I've een considered calling her.. And just telling her councelor to make sure she is ok, just please make sure she is doing ok. I don't know why.. I just seem o think that would make me feel better... I just don't understand.. It has just hit me like a ton of bricks... Should I call...? Or will that make me look weak... And cause her o not respect me because of it..?

 

My dad sees me sitting here all sad, and he says I'm just beating my head against the wall, and I just need to let it go. Says she never cared about my feelings so why should I be sitting around here worrying about her? He says you already found someone who seems interested in you so you should feel positive. And I do feel positive about that.. It just sucks.. I don't know what I am holding on to.. I don't know how to just "let it go". This just all really really sucks...