aeh Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 So I asked my H what kind of car OW drove. He told me a dark green Lexus GX 470. I didn't think much about it but then thought, Hmm, I haven't really seen any in that color that I can think of. Now I am looking for them on the road and have yet to see one that color. Just looked up on the Lexus website and they don't make them in that color. He was saying it's a pretty common color. I have seen Toyotas in that color (their big SUV) but not Lexus. Did my H lie about this to prevent me from triggering every time I saw a black/white/champagne one that is so common? If he would lie about this, what else did he lie about (ha! don't we all know?). Has anyone seen one this color? Am I off my rocker?
LakesideDream Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 So I asked my H what kind of car OW drove. He told me a dark green Lexus GX 470. I didn't think much about it but then thought, Hmm, I haven't really seen any in that color that I can think of. Now I am looking for them on the road and have yet to see one that color. Just looked up on the Lexus website and they don't make them in that color. He was saying it's a pretty common color. I have seen Toyotas in that color (their big SUV) but not Lexus. Did my H lie about this to prevent me from triggering every time I saw a black/white/champagne one that is so common? If he would lie about this, what else did he lie about (ha! don't we all know?). Has anyone seen one this color? Am I off my rocker? Could be a different year or model. Why obsess about it. I promise you the color of a car isn't something important, or something likely to be lied about. The knowledge that you actually went to the Lexus site to research it says that you are thinking about it way to much ! When you are trying to recover a marriage, you don't have the energy to waste.
Phateless Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 The 2002 LX470 comes in Riverrock Green Mica. Is you H a car guy? It's possible he just got his model years confused. The 2006 also comes in Cypress Pearl, which is a really dark green, almost charcoal gray. http://3img.automotive.com/p/002CC079B3A0AC93D23CADE706E5F71A9412B46CBBAD33F2118154B021ABBF461D3112C249112F0245F05EBAED435E239C95405FF6812B02FB3F9CA57C6445CDA93012F449A6BAE56B6FA5A465F71E6C29642AD8F495AB8E2DFA4E00C33FD3E38524B67F4160E1AAD13B19BBD14E9F6195ECA15D+w610/image.jpg http://www.edmunds.com/used/2002/lexus/lx470/100070483/colors.html I used to sell cars and you would not believe how little people know about their own cars. For most people, it's the 2nd most valuable asset they own. You would think they know what make/model it is.
norajane Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Dark blues and grays and greens can all look very similar, to the point of getting them confused. Especially if it's someone else's car that you don't really see that often. My parents' cars are both technically gray, I think, but my mom's is subtly more blue, and my dad's is subtly more green.
Phateless Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Dark blues and grays and greens can all look very similar, to the point of getting them confused. Especially if it's someone else's car that you don't really see that often. My parents' cars are both technically gray, I think, but my mom's is subtly more blue, and my dad's is subtly more green. I used to have a car that was named "Paradise Blue-Green Pearl." I always thought it was "green" or "teal." Silly me.
Author aeh Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 After more questioning, it was a GS350 or something like that....a sedan which they do make in the dark green. I know it sounds like a dumb thing to obsess over but I just wondered why I'd never seen one and if it was something he was doing to try to protect her, or me from seeing a basic colored Lexus SUV all the time and thinking about it. So, he insisted it was a GS, not X, definitely not a SUV and wondered why I thought he'd lie about it. I didn't think he'd lie about it bc it was so idiotic, but when I'd never seen one, it started to make me wonder. He tried texting me about ten times, tried calling my cell (I was out walking with a friend so I turned my ringer off) and when I returned home he was waiting in the living room, had left work shortly after I arrived so that he could come home bc he thought I was upset. It was very sweet. We go to lunch EVERY day now (lunch was their primary rendevous time), totally at his insistence. It's actually become a bit of a pain to me, breaks up my day, but he tries to see me every chance he gets. For some reason, I have found it easier to text him some of my obscure questions, "Did she O every time?" "What else did you do?" "What did she do when she O'd?" etc as it hurts less to read it by text and to try to control my facial expression upon learning the information than when I we are face to face. I have asked about every extrapolation of question that I can think of..and bless his heart, he has tried to answer them and been a good sport about it. "Did she wear panties all the time?" "Did she always wear a bra?" etc Actually, I wish I could think of more questions. It helps me to feel like there are no secrets then..EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THERE ALWAYS WILL BE NO MATTER HOW MUCH I ASK! If anyone else has any more questions I can ask him, fire away
LakesideDream Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 aeh, you are really walking a tightrope. Are all the questions yu are asking really necessary. If the tables were turned would you answer the same questions honestly? Again, energy spent that might be better spent recovering your marriage. From your post it sounds like your H is trying.. Without doubt the most certain way to change behavior is with positive reinforcement. At this point might rewarding him for good behavior be more productive than punishing him for his past bad behavior? Personally.. I just gave up. I don't want to know about my WS's boyfriends sex life with her. I just wanted peace. I couldn't have that peace with her. You have taken a different route. You presumably want to rebuild your marriage. It might be best to direct your efforts toward that rather than how many orgasms your H's OW experianced.
foreal Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 If anyone else has any more questions I can ask him, fire away AEH: The questions you are asking have some serious potential to stick in your mind...I asked them too.... ...I was obsessing about what secrets they shared, what sweet nothings he said to her...things that she is now pining about/dreaming about/feeling oh so good about..........my IC suggested that perhaps there were things he said to her that were not so sweet, things she is remembering that were not so wonderful.... So how about: Did you two ever argue? About what? Did she ever do anything that annoyed you? Did you ever say anything about me that ticked her off? What's the most disrespectful thing you said to her? Did to her? Did she ever get jealous of me? for example..... Did you ever defend me to her? About what?
sally4sara Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Men are more often color blind than women and there are different types of color blindness. Perhaps it just looked green to him but was actually more of a gray?
Author aeh Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Lakeside, you are right in that perhaps that is not the best way to invest my time. That being said, we are still in that "reclaiming" each other phase, LOTS of sex. Actually, it seems in some ways like we are dating (with kids and the beginnings of wrinkles! ha!) and is very exciting. So, he is definitely getting some positive reinforcement. On the other hand, I also feel like I have to know all of these things...I know it sounds crazy, perhaps is crazy to have this self-induced torture. But it somehow has also made it easier for me, too. And, yes, someone asked if I knew who she was. She was a woman that worked at my H's office, but was recently let go. I have never seen her though.
Phateless Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 aeh, you are really walking a tightrope. Are all the questions yu are asking really necessary. If the tables were turned would you answer the same questions honestly? Again, energy spent that might be better spent recovering your marriage. From your post it sounds like your H is trying.. Without doubt the most certain way to change behavior is with positive reinforcement. At this point might rewarding him for good behavior be more productive than punishing him for his past bad behavior? Personally.. I just gave up. I don't want to know about my WS's boyfriends sex life with her. I just wanted peace. I couldn't have that peace with her. You have taken a different route. You presumably want to rebuild your marriage. It might be best to direct your efforts toward that rather than how many orgasms your H's OW experianced. This is excellent advice! By asking all those questions you are only feeding your own anger. What is your goal?
Author aeh Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 My goal really is rebuilding the marriage. (Although I don't feel married really anymore. My M died on June 20.) However, although I initially do feel very angry upon hearing the answers to my incessant questions, I have also come to a place of acceptance. The sting is taken away, the secrecy, their private moments somehow. I do believe we're on a path to recovery with our relationship. And maybe someday I'll even feel married again....It might not seem productive, and I would think that too as an outsider, but for me, it helps to uncover all of the ugliness and to come to terms with it. As someone else on LS so eloquently states, they have to know what they are being asked to forgive.
Phateless Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 My goal really is rebuilding the marriage. (Although I don't feel married really anymore. My M died on June 20.) However, although I initially do feel very angry upon hearing the answers to my incessant questions, I have also come to a place of acceptance. The sting is taken away, the secrecy, their private moments somehow. I do believe we're on a path to recovery with our relationship. And maybe someday I'll even feel married again....It might not seem productive, and I would think that too as an outsider, but for me, it helps to uncover all of the ugliness and to come to terms with it. As someone else on LS so eloquently states, they have to know what they are being asked to forgive. That makes sense. So by asking those questions you hope to expose all of the secrecy and lies that hurt you while it was going on? I can see that... I guess the mystery of what happened gives it power and by tearing down the mystery you're taking back your husband. It makes sense to me. Just don't take it too far, because I think this adds additional strain to an already tense situation.
LakesideDream Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 My goal really is rebuilding the marriage. (Although I don't feel married really anymore. My M died on June 20.) However, although I initially do feel very angry upon hearing the answers to my incessant questions, I have also come to a place of acceptance. The sting is taken away, the secrecy, their private moments somehow. I do believe we're on a path to recovery with our relationship. And maybe someday I'll even feel married again....It might not seem productive, and I would think that too as an outsider, but for me, it helps to uncover all of the ugliness and to come to terms with it. As someone else on LS so eloquently states, they have to know what they are being asked to forgive. You contridict yourself. Marriage died June 20 (I certainly believe that, BTDT), Why are you rebuilding something that doesen't exist? Uncovering ugliness... just brings ugly things into the light. Your "husband" doesen't benifit, you don't either. What happens is that your life (and his) just becomes that much uglier. Reality? You will never forgive the betrayal. You will never "get over it", at the very best, you will live through it and begin building anew. I wish you all the luck in the world.
SidLyon Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 aeh - My d-day was 28 October last year - since then we've been trying to re-build our marriage - I see many similarities between us. I don't want the old marriage back any more than you do - why would I ? - it obviously didn't work very well. It is strange to be going through all the sorts of things that people go through at the start of a relationship - all the while already having the house, kids and yes the legal marriage. I'm just starting to really enjoy it too, so keep it up. My A wants to meet me for lunch most days too - seems to be a pattern there same as your H. The A was conducted almost entirely in lunchtimes - my H tells me Os for her were therefore few and far between (he thinks this anyway but was always too scared to ask outright) because they were always in a rush. He has certainly been a bit equivocal on this so I'm guessing he is not entirely sure about it - maybe he's saying this to spare my feelings. It's not a major concern for me anyway as I just assume people have Os when they have sex. I went through the stage of asking all sorts of questions about the OW - and my H answered them all patiently even though some were very intimate. I feel it was a stage I went thorough and like all stages it came to an end although occasionally I ask again. It was useful to my own healing so I won't discourage you from it. Many of my questions were similar to yours although I never thought to ask about her underwear - it still doesn't interest me, but if it did I'd ask. I think perhaps that people who haven't been through a marriage-rebuild with an unfaithful spouse (who is actually willing to answer questions) don't understand how necessary it is to the recovery of some BWs. It has been an essential ingredient, I feel, to our recovery but I'm also pleased to be almost past it. So hang in there and keeps asking. As for the car colour I know nothing about cars but my brother who has a form of colourblindess knows that a particular colour that he sees as grey is really green so he often assumes it's green but occasionally is tricked as it really is grey. My H could not tell me the make of the OWs 2 cars. I happen to know he knows even less about cars than I do - at least he got the colours right though.
Author aeh Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 AEH: The questions you are asking have some serious potential to stick in your mind...I asked them too.... ...I was obsessing about what secrets they shared, what sweet nothings he said to her...things that she is now pining about/dreaming about/feeling oh so good about..........my IC suggested that perhaps there were things he said to her that were not so sweet, things she is remembering that were not so wonderful.... So how about: Did you two ever argue? About what? Did she ever do anything that annoyed you? Did you ever say anything about me that ticked her off? What's the most disrespectful thing you said to her? Did to her? Did she ever get jealous of me? for example..... Did you ever defend me to her? About what? Don't know how I missed your post, foreal. So I did ask him these things last night. He told me they never argued (there wasn't that much emotion there to have anything to argue about, she didn't ever do anything that annoyed him, she never said anything about me, he was never disrespectful to her, she was never jealous of me, he never had to defend me. I guess I just don't get how for almost a year (10 months) that you can go to lunch with someone weekly (and have sex) and NOT discuss spouses like he told me. The MOW doesn't have kids, but obviously has a H. What could they discuss weekly enough to feel like they knew each other so well that she would tell him she loved him during sex (and he reciprocated--he says they said this about 4-5 times). How do you fill all those hours without talking about the two obvious elephants in the room (the spouses)?
Author aeh Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 . I went through the stage of asking all sorts of questions about the OW - and my H answered them all patiently even though some were very intimate. I feel it was a stage I went thorough and like all stages it came to an end although occasionally I ask again. It was useful to my own healing so I won't discourage you from it. Many of my questions were similar to yours although I never thought to ask about her underwear - it still doesn't interest me, but if it did I'd ask. Yes, I think I've almost exhausted all options for questions. Every extrapolation there could be. However, it's interesting because some of the stuff I dreaded to her such as did he tell her how good she looked when they were having sex (funny the things that I would fixate on), were almost unbearable to hear as I had turned them over so many times in my mind but then after I heard them and thought about them for a day, it took all the sting out of the information, "drained the sore" so to speak. And when I think about each individual thing now, it isn't such a stab. Knowing the little details has proven very cathartic to me and has let me step back and see it as a whole. It's a bitter pill to swallow but in the end it has been good for me to know. I think perhaps that people who haven't been through a marriage-rebuild with an unfaithful spouse (who is actually willing to answer questions) don't understand how necessary it is to the recovery of some BWs. It has been an essential ingredient, I feel, to our recovery but I'm also pleased to be almost past it. So hang in there and keeps asking. I will! As for the car colour I know nothing about cars but my brother who has a form of colourblindess knows that a particular colour that he sees as grey is really green so he often assumes it's green but occasionally is tricked as it really is grey. My H could not tell me the make of the OWs 2 cars. I happen to know he knows even less about cars than I do - at least he got the colours right though.[/QUOTE] As it turns out, it WAS dark green it was just a different model GS not GX and they do make it in that color. Completely my mistake.
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