jenebear81 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I've been with this guy for close to 3 months now. We have a great connection and things were going great. It wasn't something casual...it has been a relationship that we both felt was going great and we really care for one another. In the past week and a half he hasn't been acting the way he used to and has become distant. We talk every night but does not make an effort to really spend time with me. I do not expect a lot of his time but I am starting to feel stupid that I am the one that tries to get together and all I hear is "maybe" or " I might be busy" with no further explanation. He says he is stressed and depressed but never tells me about it. I feel a bit ignored. His ex still calls him all the time and they argue on the phone a lot about money but he never tells me what it is about. I am trying to stay cool..but this miscommunication between us is making me feel uneasy. I do not know what to think????? Also, I wrote a very understanding and non angry email to him tonight, expressing my concerns and asking politely if he needs time /space to figure out his issues. I also said that I don't want to add extra stress on him for him trying to find time to spend with me. I learned a long time ago that speaking your mind is better than holding things in. Was this an ok thing to do??? please help, I need some insight.
Thornton Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I think you're being way too soft on him and it's time you put your foot down. His ex still calls him all the time, they have arguments which he won't talk to you about, and now suddenly he's avoiding you with no explanation... and you write him an "understanding and non angry" email?? You have every right to be angry, and he owes you some explanations. But I think you're scared to get angry with him because you're not sure how he will react - you're trying to pacify him because you feel like if you put your foot down about his bad behaviour he might end the relationship - correct? My advice is to stop calling him and let him come to you - at present he's not making any effort, you're doing all the chasing and he's running away. If he doesn't come to you, then he's not really that interested in you. If/when he does bother to make an effort to talk to you, you should demand that he tell you what is going on between him and his ex, what exactly he is stressed/depressed about, and why he's avoiding you. If he refuses to talk then the relationship clearly isn't going to work and you may as well end it. If you want to make a go of things, then he needs to be open with you about what's happening in his life, he needs to make more effort to spend time with you, and most importantly he needs to finally resolve this issue with his ex and permanently cut all contact with her.
Thaddeus Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Jenebear81, frankly it sounds as if your man "just isn't that into you" (to paraphrase that book/movie title). And the reason you feel this "great connection" is precisely because of that. Examine this for a moment: He's uncommunicative (well, even if you talk every night - which I think frankly is a little too much - he never really says anything) He doesn't spend much time with you He doesn't make plansHe keeps you out-of-the-loop as to what's going on in his life Starting to see a pattern? It's precisely because he's acting distant is the reason that you feel you have this "great connection." In short, your feelings are lying. Don't feel bad, though, people's feelings lie to them all the time. Now, you can take Thornton's advice and get all bent out of shape and angry and all the rest, but that frankly won't solve anything. You may feel that he owes you an explanation (there are those incorrect "feelings" again) but he's not likely to give them to you. Fact is that, sorry to say, he's just not that interested. Perhaps it's time to move on to someone who's a better match.
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