xchaotic_beautyx Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Ok so here is goes. I moved to a new city 9 months ago. I had started talking to this guy online a few weeks before I moved (we met on a dating site). Anyways on new years we met for the first time. He came over to my house, we hit it off and we spent four days straight together. After that we moved pretty quickly. Fast forward 8 and a half months later and he is gone. During our relationship it was pretty chaotic (he is a borderline alcoholic and I rarely drink but when I do I go all out and get out of control) The first four months he would come home from work every day drunk and get verbally abusive and he shoved me one time and I guess in my mind something snapped because then after that I started being abusive back or doing it first. I got sick off all the bull**** pretty soon and after four months I told him the drinking or me and he picked me. Starting then he wouldn’t drink all the time and when he did it was with me on the weekends but there were a few slips and we were always fighting and breaking up. After a big fight where it got physical he took off to his moms for 3 days and came home and started packing and I begged him to stay and he did. After that we decided to take a break from drinking and we did for a month. The relationship was sooo good, better then I could have ever imagined. And then one night I was mad and I took it out on him and we got into a fight and I smacked him across the face and he left that night to his moms, he came back a day and a half later and packed all his **** and left. I tried calling him and texting him about how sorry I am. Then a few days later he changed his number. I have not talked to him since the 3rd. I know I was so out of line that last night but it took him leaving me for me to realize just how ****ed up and unhealthy our relationship is, but I want to try again and get counselling (we had previously discussed this before he left) I just want one more chance with him. I can’t stop drinking or crying, I don’t feel like eating anymore and all I do is cry, drink and passout/sleep.I never got closure since he just took off and changed his number and I need it because in my mind I keep thinking that he will come back since this was a minor fight. He was my life and I love him more then anything. I need some advice or something.
Scottdmw Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 It sounds like you're going through a difficult time. I went through something similar a couple of years ago and I know how painful it can be. Reading your previous posts with this one, it looks like you broke up with your last guy one year ago and started going out with this guy three months later. Forgive me if I got the timeline wrong. It does seem to me like your relationship was unhealthy. Perhaps not impossible to fix, but very difficult. At any rate it sounds like the guy is done with you. Either way though, the strongest feeling I get reading your post is that you need to work on yourself and become a more healthy person before you will be able to have a good relationship with this man or anyone else. If you get out of control when you drink, that is a sign that you might be borderline alcoholic as well. Even if you're not technically alcoholic, it's still a problem. It sounds like you've physically attacked your boyfriend more than once. I mean, to me that would be a dealbreaker. I don't want to come home to a woman who's going to be hitting me if she gets mad. I think you really need to work on anger, before you get into a relationship. So how did you get to this place? I'm going to guess both of your relationships were sexual, if I’m wrong you can disregard this. Read up some time on the net about sexual bonding and the hormone oxytocin. Something to keep in mind for the future is that when you have sex with a person it makes you very strongly bonded to that person, that’s the way human bodies and minds work. You were very strongly bonded to your previous boyfriend from one year ago, and when that ended it is only human nature to be in a very very bad frame of mind. It is human nature to feel extremely hurt, broken, damaged almost beyond repair. It is also human nature to want to fix that as quickly as possible, and one way that seems easy is to jump into a relationship with someone else. You bond with the new person the same way and it makes a lot of hurt disappear. But, you end up with an unhealthy relationship because you didn't take time to get to know the new person and know that they would really be good for you. Also, you didn't really grieve the previous relationship and come to terms with your pain there, you just covered it up, and it comes out in weird ways. I would suggest that you take some time away from dating. Try to find other things that make you happy, or maybe try to find ways you can make other people happy in a non-relationship way. Try to grieve and understand what happened in your last two relationships. You will know you are ready for a new one when the other ones really don't hurt anymore. I would say take at least six months if not longer. Stay away from alcohol, and see if you can understand what makes you get angry with people. Finally, when you do meet a new person I would strongly suggest based on painful personal experience holding off on the sexual activity as long as you possibly can. I know these are a lot of difficult things to do. I don't think there are easy answers to your situation. Best wishes with it, though. Scott
Author xchaotic_beautyx Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 Thanks for replying, yes you got the timeline correct. I know he is pretty much done with me. I mean he moved out, changed his number and has not in any way tried to contact me. It justs hurts so much to know he is gone. He was my best friend and my soulmate and I took him for granted and only since he left have I realized how much he meant to me and how great he was. He is coming tomorrow to pick up the last of his things and the landlord is helping me kinda trick him (my ex doesnt think Ill be here) but I will and I want to try and talk to him and get him back. sneaky I know but in my defense I just need some closure and to see him one last time. From a guys point of view any advice on what I can say to him to make him want to try again with me is much appreciated!
jaybird1043 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 He may become more angry with you for trying to trap him like that... maybe just leave a letter if you have to do something. I'm just unsure how he might feel about forcing him to talk to you...
Scottdmw Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 If you're going to do this, I would say to be dignified about it. One time in my life there was a bit of a similar situation, and the girl ended up begging me on her knees. It actually drove me out the door. Later I felt terrible and really wanted to get back together with her for other reasons, but it had gone too far. I sometimes think that if she had simply stood there and respectfully asked me to stay and talk, things would have turned out different and better for both of us. So: --stay calm --stay composed -- respectfully ask him to talk -- if he refuses to, say that you really love him and you hope he’ll reconsider later, but then back off -- if you can’t help crying, at least keep it subdued—again think dignified -- remember, desperation is not attractive No one can tell you what's going to work or not, it is quite likely that nothing will. I don't want to give you the impression that I really think what I said above is likely to work. I think it's more likely than anything else, but I really have no idea. Best wishes with it, Scott
Author xchaotic_beautyx Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 I dont think he will be angry and he does not have to sit and listen to me at all. Its 100 percent voluntary. I’m just going to ask him if he would please listen to me for a few minutes and I hope he says yes. I’ve already prepared myself for the worst case scenario which is him saying no and that’s what I’m expecting. I have two letters I have written over the past two weeks that I am going to read him if he listens. I am not going to beg him to listen and I will not be rude if he says no. The only part I may screw up is bawling my eyes out.
Author xchaotic_beautyx Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 He never showed. The landlord is going to try for tomorrow but he has called twice and left a message and my ex still hasnt called back. I dont know what his problem is.
fofiffs Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 He never showed. The landlord is going to try for tomorrow but he has called twice and left a message and my ex still hasnt called back. I dont know what his problem is. Maybe he knows what your up to...
Author xchaotic_beautyx Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 Im not sure. The landlord agrees with me that I need and deserve closure so he told Paul on the phone that Paul needs to tie up the loose ends with me and Paul said maybe your right so I dont know. anyways he has to come back here anyways at some point. There is important mail for him here and he needs to sign off the place.
Author xchaotic_beautyx Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 The landlord has been trying for two days to get ahold of Paul, he has left messages and everything. I dont know what the hell is wrong with him, I'm so worried he is back on drugs and drinking hard again
jaybird1043 Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 you cannot worry/control him, you have to take care of you. You are only going to have more pain & hurt on the road you are traveling. Do not be his enabler... Be good to you, if you aren't...who will be???
Author xchaotic_beautyx Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 I worry about him every day. He stopped heavy drinking and drugs for me and since we are no longer together I'm so scared that he went back. I know how smart he is and what he is capable of and it breaks my heart to think he would choose that because he is so much better then that. He told me before that if we ever broke up he wouldnt be able to handle it and would go back to drinking. Do you think that it still hurts him if he was the one who ended it?
Author xchaotic_beautyx Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 I desperately need answers. I wonder every day if he misses me or thinks about me and is hurting like I am. He left me so does he still hurt? Also how can he claim to love me yet leave me and not contact me?
gavinus Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Sigh, I know you feel guilty for hitting him. Don't give yourself a hard time. If he wanted to contact you he would, I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but its true. The fact that you worry about him and you have remorse shows you are a good person. You need to look after yourself, and worry won't bring him back. All you can do is look after you, so take care, keep busy and stay strong, sometimes learning can be tough, but its only a mistake if you keep repeating it,
fofiffs Posted September 22, 2009 Posted September 22, 2009 Sigh, I know you feel guilty for hitting him. Don't give yourself a hard time. If he wanted to contact you he would, I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but its true. The fact that you worry about him and you have remorse shows you are a good person. You need to look after yourself, and worry won't bring him back. All you can do is look after you, so take care, keep busy and stay strong, sometimes learning can be tough, but its only a mistake if you keep repeating it, I really like the last part of what you said. It's so very true..
Author xchaotic_beautyx Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Yeah I know deep down that he is done. If he wanted to contact me he would and he hasnt even tried. I just dont understand why one slap destroyed the relationship. We have had wayyyyy worse fights and got through it so why leave over a slap?? And just a few days before he left me he looked at me in bed and told me that he has never felt this way about anyone before and he loves me so much. So how can he go from that to leaving a few days later?
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