Who Do You Talk To About WS Affair??

[Spark1111]

After DDAy, I spoke to two friends in town, my brother and his sister (she knew before me about his "friend.")

 

I spoke to my therapist, who upped the visits to twice a week for a while, I guess to ensure I did not jump off a bridge. I did not.

 

I did not want to tell my children, who are older, but my oldest daughter guessed and they circled their wagons around me because they had never seen their mother sobbing before.

 

I lost both friends in town that I had confided to. Gossip began to circulate and they both pointed fingers at each other. Oh well.... I stopped talking at all to both of them.

 

I stopped talking to my children as soon as the hysteria died down because I could tell it hurt them.

 

Other than saying "we didn't deserve this" and "I want you to have the best relationship with your father regardless of what happens with us," I never said another word to my son. I sensed sons are very protective of their mothers and it would have destroyed his relationship with his father, something I would never be a part of.

 

My brother and his sister had great advice, but it was obvious they wanted us to stay together and work it out. They were very healing to speak with and I thanked them for that.

 

After a while, I could sense people did not want to hear me talk about it anymore, way before I was ready to stop talking about it.

 

Why? It frightened them. If it could happen to us, it could happen to anyone.

 

Another reason I hand-chose who I confided to? People will always come to you from their perspective. I did not want to hear, "throw the bum out" or, "I could never stay with my husband if he cheated."Ugh! Just NOT what I needed.

 

So, here it is, two years from DDAy, AND I STILL NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT!

 

Thank God for LS!

 

But posters, who have you been able to talk to about it (other than your SO)?

 

The best conversations have been with other people who have been through it, whether it be 5, 10, or 20 years ago.

 

Jeez, I'm beginning to think I resemble my dad and his WWII buddies.

[Spark1111]

On another thread, we were discussing how empowering to talk with like-minded individuals, those who have successfully survived infidelity; have a lot of courage and resourcefulness, and can kick some butt to boot!

 

Wow, I really AM sounding like the WWII Veterans.

[foreal]

hey Spark

 

it is dinner time here so I will have to get back to this thread later-

 

But I wanted you to know I hear you!!

 

[eeyore1981]

I told pretty much everyone right after it happened and I realized H was going to blow smoke instead of deal with it. Then I had one friend I confided in for a while, but other than that I didn't really talk about it with anyone. If someone asked me how I was doing, I would say ok or not so well, then talk about something else.

Most of the getting it off my chest has happened in here.

Sometimes it is really hard not to talk about it, but when I am with my friends, I want to not be thinking about it, I want to be having a good time.

Oh, I forgot, I talk to my cousin about it, over the phone, because she lives far away. She found out her husband cheated about 6 months before I did, and just happened to call me about 2 days after I found out about mine.

[Trialbyfire]

I told everyone about his infidelity, including our families and all of our friends. Affairs are like mushrooms. They grow in the dark, fed full of poop. If you expose them to the light of day, they die.

[Snowflower]

I will never tell anyone else IRL about what happened in my marriage.

 

However, in the days after d-day, several people were told. My BFF who was with me at the time my husband confessed obviously knows, and then I told my sister, my husband's sister (we are close), and a couple of other friends whose support I needed.

 

My husband told his whole family what he had done after he confessed to me. I will always be kind of proud of him for that; it must have been difficult and it did show an attempt by my husband to regain integrity.

 

But now, I will never talk about it with anyone else IRL (beyond those who already know like my BFF) except for my friends here on LS. It is just so personal and difficult and I am slowly putting that most painful event of my life behind me.

 

But sometimes, I wish that not so many people-family members in particular know what happened. I feel like sometimes it is the elephant in the room at family gatherings--like people are curious about what is really going on but are too polite to ask. My husband and I are doing very well in our new marriage.

[2sure]

Just here, my IC and my husband's MC. Told my sister, but I think its too overwhelming for her to deal with. Figure that out.

 

My daughter knows we are in crisis. She is 13. I told her that H had a relationship with a female friend that made me uncomfortable. That we would work through it and that either way...she could count on me, that i'd be OK.

 

To be honest, I have never developed any kind of circle of close women friends. Wish I had. The people in my current circle whom I see a lot of...would lap this up like kittens do milk. No Way.

 

LS helps. I am starting to add some sincerity in my RL with the practice Ive had here. Just right now I'm sincerely angry, so need to tone that down a bit.

[bentnotbroken]

I talk to my therapist about in-dept issues. I have some great friends and family. If a question was asked about the A and who he did it with, I told them. There was no reason for me to lie for either of them. They had done more than enough lying.

[2sure]

Its too soon for me...but if it turns out that "telling" will set me free of this burden I think I will.

[silktricks]

Only our MC. If I had chosen to leave instead of work on our marriage, I probably would have told, but to me, if other people knew it would simply be another impediment to us. I'm glad I didn't talk about it, and am very grateful for LS.

[Owl]

In the week after d-day, when I was still in "crisis mode" trying to decide save my marriage, I talked with EVERYONE. My family, her sister (her only family), our friends, etc... I insisted that my wife tell our teenaged children, since she was pretty much set to leave us all at the time anyway.

 

Never regretted telling anyone.

 

A couple of my friends became a critical part of my support system as a result. It turned out, her sister and one of my sisters became an integral part of my wife's support system too.

 

The kids were hurt by her actions, but they're smart...they dealt with it and drove on.

 

I've always figured if my friends weren't willing to be there for me through stuff like this, it wouldn't be much of a loss to lose them anyway.

[PhoenixRise]

I told my best friend and my mother (who I knew would share everything with my aunt) on dday. Later I told my H mother, sister, aunts, and grandmother.

 

Keeping the affair a secret got to be a burden for me. I felt like I was trying to maintain some fake image of what my marriage was. I felt much more free after I told.

 

AND when I decided to leave I thought there was maybe a 3% chance H and OW would have a legitimate relationship. If that happend I didn't want H to be able to spin some story to his family about what happened to break up our marriage. AND if OW showed up at a family function, I wanted all the women in the family to know exactly who she was.

 

Now I don't talk to anyone about the affair. I post here.

[jwi71]

Spark,

 

In terms of disclosing my ex-wifes affair...I told everyone. I didnt hold back. I sent them the proof I had. I told her boss's boss (my ex-wife had A with her supervisor). I told everyone she worked with. I told my friends and hers. I told her family. I spoke with anyone who cared enough to listen.

 

And now? I have little need to speak of it anymore. ITs the past...over and done. I learned my lessons.

 

I also learned who my TRUE friends were (luckily...all of mine rallied around me and supported me).

[stuckinoz]

I'm not bashing by this post, honestly - But I know I'll be "beaten" for it.

 

But, why after such a long time is it necessary to still talk of an affair. I'm sure that a BS is hurt - duh. This is a devistating blow. But if you choose to

A) Divorce your spouse over an affair - then let it go, it's over.

OR B) Stay with a spouse after an affair -fix what's broken, move on & then let it go.

 

Otherwise it just seems like you are wallowing in pity for the rest of your life. At what point does someone pull up their big kid panties & get over an affair, let it die & move on with their lives.

I'm just wondering.

[2sure]

Otherwise it just seems like you are wallowing in pity for the rest of your life. At what point does someone pull up their big kid panties & get over an affair, let it die & move on with their lives.

I'm just wondering.

 

I dont know. I am all about sucking up the hard stuff , facing reality and putting one foot in front of the other.

 

I also know that people cannot be judged by their reactions to crisis, or in what fashion they choose to move forward or how quickly they step.

 

But infidelity isnt a matter of getting over it or even moving on from it so much as it is incorporating into the fabric of your life. Reconciling yourself to it and becoming comfortable with, at least the fact that it happened. Its harder than some of the other crisis we all experience - because infidelity is OPTIONAL. Its a difficult thing to wrap your head around. Also, I dont know , its a violation - a kind of rape. It becomes a part of you. Doesnt have to become a negative bitter part of you...but it takes awhile to come to terms with. It doesnt just change your life, it makes you re-evaluate yourself as a person.

[Spark1111]

I agree 2sure, and yes, stuckinoz, if I had the answer to that question, I guess I would no longer need to post here!

 

But I do. And so does Owl, 2sure, silktricks, Snowflower, Pheonix, and sydLyon, to name but a few.

 

I think the experience, whether you choose divorce or reconciliation, or relationship limbo, does redefine you and your life on so many levels.

 

And, after awhile, you sense no one, other than your IC, SO and best friend, really care to hear you talk about it after awhile because.....it frightens them, or they just want you to maintain the happy family, all-is-still-right-in-my-world status quo. Family, especially, IMHO.

 

Or, you sense they have already passed judgement out of their own perceptions, such as:

 

1. I would never stay with blank if he/she cheated on me.

 

Or:

 

2. If you stayed with him because of the money, status, etc. I could understand it.

 

Or:

 

3. I could have forgiven blank for an affair, if he had been a good father, or provider.

 

Or:

 

4. Jeez, what is wrong with you! You deserve so much better. Throw his/her a@@ out!

 

or:

 

5. Jeez, get over it already. Every relationship has its problems (as if he forgot to pay the water bill:p!)....

 

as if it were no big deal, as opposed to the life-altering event it was for me.

 

Jeez, I am happy to have found this place and these people.

[bayouboi]

I'm not bashing by this post, honestly - But I know I'll be "beaten" for it.

 

But, why after such a long time is it necessary to still talk of an affair. I'm sure that a BS is hurt - duh. This is a devistating blow. But if you choose to

A) Divorce your spouse over an affair - then let it go, it's over.

OR B) Stay with a spouse after an affair -fix what's broken, move on & then let it go.

 

Otherwise it just seems like you are wallowing in pity for the rest of your life. At what point does someone pull up their big kid panties & get over an affair, let it die & move on with their lives.

I'm just wondering.

 

Hopefully you can go through this experience yourself and then you'll be able to feel why BS's want to continue to talk about it.

[PhoenixRise]

I'm not bashing by this post, honestly - But I know I'll be "beaten" for it.

 

But, why after such a long time is it necessary to still talk of an affair. I'm sure that a BS is hurt - duh. This is a devistating blow. But if you choose to

A) Divorce your spouse over an affair - then let it go, it's over.

OR B) Stay with a spouse after an affair -fix what's broken, move on & then let it go.

 

Otherwise it just seems like you are wallowing in pity for the rest of your life. At what point does someone pull up their big kid panties & get over an affair, let it die & move on with their lives.

I'm just wondering.

 

I don't think that talking about something that happened in your life is the same thing as wallowing in pity.

 

Now I agree that after years have passed, if the infidelity is still like an open gaping wound then you need to get yourself some help so that you can heal....

 

BUT...sharing experiences, reflecting, using this horrible thing that happened as a steping stone for growth... I think that is all good.

[ArtAsylumBoy]

The frustrating part is having no one to talk to. My wife never wanted to talk about our problems. It was always "I'm too tired" or "I can't do this" and my favorite "There's nothing to talk about! I'd never cheat on you!"... So after she cheated on me (Ha! Bet you didn't see that coming!) she still refuses to talk because she feels like she just wants to end the marriage. I'm a little reluctant to let her ruin our little daughters' lives because she wants to cut and run from our marriage just like she did with every other relationship that involved someone actually caring about her.

But you're right. Who does one talk to? My mom knows. I thought it would turn into a big "I told you so", but I actually had to talk my mom into not calling my wife and begging her to see a counselor and make things right.

It just sucks knowing that she's refusing to give me a glimpse into her affair, yet, the dirtbag she cheated on me with had an open window view into our entire life. She told him everything because she was stupid enough to believe he gave a crap about her and that he was a "good friend" I don't know too many good friends that behave the way he did. Instead of saying "Go home, talk to your husband, spend time with your little girls, fix your marriage! Trust me, I'm a friend, I want what's best for you!" He said to her "I know you're hurting. You know what would help? Coming over to my apartment so we can dry hump each other during the 7th inning stretch of the baseball game I want to watch tonight." So now she stands to lose her marriage, her kids, any respect she has from anyone who matters in her life, and possibly her job as he was an employee. But hey, I'm sure it was worth it because he was such a good friend... Where is he you ask? Oh, he abandoned her to deal with the repercussions on her own because apparently good friend's don't stand by you after helping you ruin your life.

All I want to do is get over the anger and forgive her. Even if I'm remaining civil, she still refuses to speak to me. On the rare occasion she does say anything about it, I get one little thought and then have to drop it because she doesn't feel like talking anymore. Very frustrating. I'm glad I get to vent here... Grr...

[Spark1111]

AAC, you are in a lot of pain and I know that feeling. Are you in IC?

 

I attend IC and while it does help to have a place to vent, (2 years since DDAY) it has been a bumpy ride to say the least.

 

I am today in a much better place, and my angry, sad days grow more and more infrequent. But when they do arrive, there are few people to talk to anymore. The drama, crisis, is over for everyone.....but me, once in a while.

 

That is why I posted this thread. There must have been some trigger and as more time goes on, there are less people to talk to.

 

 

I wish you peace, and a big support group.

[seibert253]

The frustrating part is having no one to talk to. My wife never wanted to talk about our problems. It was always "I'm too tired" or "I can't do this" and my favorite "There's nothing to talk about! I'd never cheat on you!"... So after she cheated on me (Ha! Bet you didn't see that coming!) she still refuses to talk because she feels like she just wants to end the marriage. I'm a little reluctant to let her ruin our little daughters' lives because she wants to cut and run from our marriage just like she did with every other relationship that involved someone actually caring about her.

But you're right. Who does one talk to? My mom knows. I thought it would turn into a big "I told you so", but I actually had to talk my mom into not calling my wife and begging her to see a counselor and make things right.

It just sucks knowing that she's refusing to give me a glimpse into her affair, yet, the dirtbag she cheated on me with had an open window view into our entire life. She told him everything because she was stupid enough to believe he gave a crap about her and that he was a "good friend" I don't know too many good friends that behave the way he did. Instead of saying "Go home, talk to your husband, spend time with your little girls, fix your marriage! Trust me, I'm a friend, I want what's best for you!" He said to her "I know you're hurting. You know what would help? Coming over to my apartment so we can dry hump each other during the 7th inning stretch of the baseball game I want to watch tonight." So now she stands to lose her marriage, her kids, any respect she has from anyone who matters in her life, and possibly her job as he was an employee. But hey, I'm sure it was worth it because he was such a good friend... Where is he you ask? Oh, he abandoned her to deal with the repercussions on her own because apparently good friend's don't stand by you after helping you ruin your life.

All I want to do is get over the anger and forgive her. Even if I'm remaining civil, she still refuses to speak to me. On the rare occasion she does say anything about it, I get one little thought and then have to drop it because she doesn't feel like talking anymore. Very frustrating. I'm glad I get to vent here... Grr...

 

Sounds like she's still in the fog Art. If she's not willing to work on R, then maybe it's better to bail.

 

I know all about the sticking together for the kids, but if they grow up in a miserable home, they will end up miserable themselves. Trust me on that. Kids know and sense true love. Kids know when mom and dad are having problems.

 

When my FWW's A was going on, and after D day, my 4 year old knew something was up. "Daddy, why do you and mommy not sleep in the same bed anymore"? "Daddy, why do you and mommy don't kiss and love each other anymore"? "Daddy, why does mommy say she hates you"? Tuff words to hear my man, tougher to answer.

 

Yea D is hard on the kids, but it's better to have two seperate loving parents, then two which are together but miserable. You want the family you had prior to her A. With her attitude, that's never going to happen. You need to change her attitude, or seperate ways we go.

 

Look, the fog is a funny thing. Some WS's immediately snap out of it after d day, some never. In my case, it was miserable for several weeks until I filed D papers and she saw them. That's when the fantasy came crashing down and she landed back on earth. We haven't looked back since.

 

I don't know your wife, but maybe ultimatum time. Pretty simple concept; honey you need to choose, commit to working to fix our marriage, or we need to go our seperate ways. We can be happy together, or happy apart, but I will be happy again, I refuse to stay miserable.

[FreezorBurn]

Just here, .

 

 

Me too just here and it is very difficult to handle. I would have loved to had somone to talk to. After d day I just wanted to get away fom her. Had I knew a friend of the oppisite sex I would have most likely had a revenge EA or possible PA.

 

I don't know why but after I was betrayed, while I was being faithfull. This made me want to go out and be with another women. Not sure why that urge showed up but I was/am hurting so very badly and I just wanted the comfort of another women that was not my wife!

 

Lucky for her/us I was faithfull so when I had those urges I didn't know anyone to do it with!

[Spark1111]

Freezor, that feeling is normal I think. You just want to feel normal again and are happy, really happy, for the times that you do.

 

It is the times that you don't feel normal, that there is no one to turn to to talk and vent and cry with.

 

IC helps a lot, but it is still not enough.

 

The only people who will allow you to talk about it at the drop of a hat are those who have been through it! Hence, LS for all of us, and one or two girlfriends.

 

But there are days when that is not enough for me, and I do feel I am burning some people out, as if I don't want to burden them anymore.

 

But it can be very lonely not to have someone to talk to about this.

 

I mean, Jeez....how grown up do I have to be all the time? Wasn't I the victim in all this?

 

And I also find, if someone hasn't experienced this pain first hand, their advice is well....usually for the birds as far as I am concerned.