To tell or not to tell

[foreal]

OW, BS, all welcome to tell me your opinion...

 

My H had an A (8 months) with co-worker and former friend of mine/ours. They were never close at all until they began to work together, and then not until last year after his mom died and I stupidly asked her to watch out for him....

 

Anyway, I sent an anonymous email to her H after Dday...just saying I thought you should know your W has been having an A for the past 8 months. That was it.

 

I think he got it as MOW flipped out and screamed at my H that we were trying to ruin her life blah blah blah the day after I sent the email.

 

So now we are 5 months past Dday..as far as I know, MOW and her H are still together..I have no idea if he knows of the A, but pretty sure he is clueless as to WHO she had it with...and maybe he doesn't even care...

 

So, would you advise I just let it go, or blow this thing up all over again?

 

I am inclined to let it go as I don't want any more drama..but then again, i would love to F up her world, yep good ol revenge....then I think, revenge will come on its own as I fantasize he kicks her out for another woman when she turns 40....

 

thoughts?

[silktricks]

OW, BS, all welcome to tell me your opinion...

 

My H had an A (8 months) with co-worker and former friend of mine/ours. They were never close at all until they began to work together, and then not until last year after his mom died and I stupidly asked her to watch out for him....

 

Anyway, I sent an anonymous email to her H after Dday...just saying I thought you should know your W has been having an A for the past 8 months. That was it.

 

I think he got it as MOW flipped out and screamed at my H that we were trying to ruin her life blah blah blah the day after I sent the email.

 

So now we are 5 months past Dday..as far as I know, MOW and her H are still together..I have no idea if he knows of the A, but pretty sure he is clueless as to WHO she had it with...and maybe he doesn't even care...

 

So, would you advise I just let it go, or blow this thing up all over again?

 

I am inclined to let it go as I don't want any more drama..but then again, i would love to F up her world, yep good ol revenge....then I think, revenge will come on its own as I fantasize he kicks her out for another woman when she turns 40....

 

thoughts?

 

Though I can truly understand the fantasy of revenge - if I were you, I'd just keep it there - as a fantasy. You know (or at least believe) you have the power to mess up her life - as she messed up yours - and that's really what you are looking for right now - power - as you feel completely powerless (or at least I did at 5 months out). Just hold to yourself the fact that you HAVE the power. Don't exercise it.

 

You know the golden rule... people certainly didn't follow it where you were concerned. but IMO the golden rule wasn't written for other people. It was written for helping us on our own growth. Doing good to someone else when they have done badly to you isn't an easy road sometimes, but I truly believe that it will get you to a better destination. You will come out of it with true self worth - knowing you could have hurt her back - but knowing you chose to take the high road.

 

Much better karma!

[Spark1111]

It is normal to have revenge fantasies!

 

Acting on them is an entirely different matter.

 

Do they still work together? Have continued contact? Minimal or no contact?

 

I just wanted to talk to her. Not yell, scream, or carry on. It was 9 months after DDay.

 

I had nothing but empathy for her, up until that point. She never returned my call and that so angered me. It seemed juvenile. Plus, above all things, I hate to be ignored. So it also felt like one more "dis," yaknowhatImean?

 

But I will leave her alone as long as she leaves us alone. If she ever attempts additional contact with him, the gloves come off.

[PhoenixRise]

I said in your other thread that I would have told by now and I would have. AND yes it would have been for revenge. Personally, I am ok with that.

 

However for you and your family this might not be the right move. I get wanting to protect your child from any drama and I even get wanting to protect your H and his job.

 

You have to do what is best for your family and you have to do what your own self esteem requires.

 

As for me, because this was not some random OW who got drawn into your H orbit, but was instead a trusted friend who used info you gave her to get next to your H.....I wouldn't let it go....even if I didn't reveal this affair to her husband I would be watching and waiting for the opportunity to give her a proverbial smack down.

 

50 years from now I would sabotage her to keep her from getting into the nursing home of her choice if need be.... I wouldn't let it go she would have to pay.

[Spark1111]

So true, Silk. My phone calls to her so many months later was an effort to empower myself, to reclaim my life and relationship. I felt strong enough to offer the olive branch, so to speak, let bygones be bygones.

 

And when that gesture, which took incredible courage on my part, because I was no longer acting from rage but compassion, went ignored it did anger me.

 

But it also made me think less of her, that she was not as strong a woman as I was, not as evolved, obviously did not own her choices as I had and have alway done, and ......no longer worth my time.

[Dexter Morgan]

Anyway, I sent an anonymous email to her H after Dday...just saying I thought you should know your W has been having an A for the past 8 months. That was it.

 

I think he got it as MOW flipped out and screamed at my H that we were trying to ruin her life blah blah blah the day after I sent the email.

 

funny how cheaters blame other people for ruining their life.

 

 

 

So now we are 5 months past Dday..as far as I know, MOW and her H are still together..I have no idea if he knows of the A, but pretty sure he is clueless as to WHO she had it with...and maybe he doesn't even care...

 

So, would you advise I just let it go, or blow this thing up all over again?

 

I'd say let it go if you think the message sunk in. You did what needed to be done. You informed him of his right to know he is married to a hussbag.

 

whether he chooses to believe it or not is up to him.

 

 

I am inclined to let it go as I don't want any more drama..but then again, i would love to F up her world

 

well, if you would love to f'up her world and would like nothing more than to see her H divorce her worthless ass, then you should want to do the same to your husband and divorce him.

[foreal]

 

50 years from now I would sabotage her to keep her from getting into the nursing home of her choice if need be.... I wouldn't let it go she would have to pay.

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Spark1111]

I said in your other thread that I would have told by now and I would have. AND yes it would have been for revenge. Personally, I am ok with that.

 

However for you and your family this might not be the right move. I get wanting to protect your child from any drama and I even get wanting to protect your H and his job.

 

You have to do what is best for your family and you have to do what your own self esteem requires.

 

As for me, because this was not some random OW who got drawn into your H orbit, but was instead a trusted friend who used info you gave her to get next to your H.....I wouldn't let it go....even if I didn't reveal this affair to her husband I would be watching and waiting for the opportunity to give her a proverbial smack down.

 

50 years from now I would sabotage her to keep her from getting into the nursing home of her choice if need be.... I wouldn't let it go she would have to pay.

 

Why Phoenix, you surprise me!

 

I take your statements as a testimony to the strength of women.....and may the best woman survive!

 

I have a personal theory, and I may get flamed for it, but if cheating MP have a set of characterisitics that pre-dispose them to cheat, so do cheating OW/OM. I think they lack self-confidence and are often insecure.

 

I think they want what we have, or what they perceive we have that they can't seem to get legitimately: a decent, caring man or woman who provides, protects and professes his/her love.

 

They often live their lives like doormats, waiting for crumbs of time and affection from their MP.

 

But why? For love? Hot sex? On the run?

 

I think they set themselves up to not want or expect more from their lives. They stay stuck in miserable marriages and relationships and pine for the one they cannot have. But then they justify it as "Well, he or she was married. Of course they went back to their husband/wife," so they can justify being served crumbs once again.

 

I can't get over the mindset of people who have such low expectations for their lives. I want to shake them all for all the SELF-INDUCED pain I read on LS.

 

For GOD's SAKE, set your standards higher and get out of crappy relationships going nowhere.

 

Ok, getting off my soapbox for now.

 

Thanks Pheonix. You inspired me!

 

Foreal, not worth your spit. But you do what you think protects your family.

[foreal]

Though I can truly understand the fantasy of revenge - if I were you, I'd just keep it there - as a fantasy. You know (or at least believe) you have the power to mess up her life - as she messed up yours - and that's really what you are looking for right now - power - as you feel completely powerless (or at least I did at 5 months out). Just hold to yourself the fact that you HAVE the power. Don't exercise it.

 

You know the golden rule... people certainly didn't follow it where you were concerned. but IMO the golden rule wasn't written for other people. It was written for helping us on our own growth. Doing good to someone else when they have done badly to you isn't an easy road sometimes, but I truly believe that it will get you to a better destination. You will come out of it with true self worth - knowing you could have hurt her back - but knowing you chose to take the high road.

 

Much better karma!

 

Knowing I Can hurt her but choose not to....

 

Silk, you are so evolved...I feel like such a newt.

 

And in my newtish way, it just occurred to me that she is probably scared ****less that I may excercise my power, and who knows when I will lower the boom?....gawd that is a horrible position to be in, never knowing if or when the axe will fall?...hmm, not telling is getting easier to accept when I think of it like that....I am evolving!!! maybe.

[whichwayisup]

Don't tell..Enjoy the fantasy and especially this:who knows when I will lower the boom?....gawd that is a horrible position to be in, never knowing if or when the axe will fall?.....

 

Now, if she tries to contact you or your H, THEN I say go ahead and speak to her husband directly.

[SidLyon]

I'd tell her H. I found out about my H's affair just after the OW's own H had died, so I didn't have the opportunity to ever tell him.

 

The autopsy was unclear about the reasons for his death but it appears he might have had a "weak heart" that gave out after extreme exertion and stress. He died saving his W (the OW) and her son (the one that might actually be my H's son) from drowning (they were on holiday on a pacific island and a freak wave engulfed them). Ironic hey?

 

If there had been a happier ending and he hadn't died then I would have told him.

 

I speculate that his weak heart just might have been because of his wife's ongoing infidelities. I's strange but within 2 weeks of their A starting I started to get heart palpitations, erratic heartbeats and missed heartbeats. At one stage a few months into their A I was admitted to hospital for several days. As nothing was ever found it was put down to anxiety or panic attacks, maybe menopause - I had a permanent feeling of impending doom. I'm probably projecting to think that her H might have had something similar.

 

I have never had such strong thoughts of revenge as I do for the OW. I have now exacted revenge, and my revenge of choice is "exposure" - theoretically there is more I could do but I'm tired of it and want to move on. To be honest while it has its place, it doesn't solve my own feelings of abandonment and worthlessness.

 

S

[eeyore1981]

I said in your other thread that I would have told by now and I would have. AND yes it would have been for revenge. Personally, I am ok with that.

 

However for you and your family this might not be the right move. I get wanting to protect your child from any drama and I even get wanting to protect your H and his job.

 

You have to do what is best for your family and you have to do what your own self esteem requires.

 

As for me, because this was not some random OW who got drawn into your H orbit, but was instead a trusted friend who used info you gave her to get next to your H.....I wouldn't let it go....even if I didn't reveal this affair to her husband I would be watching and waiting for the opportunity to give her a proverbial smack down.

 

50 years from now I would sabotage her to keep her from getting into the nursing home of her choice if need be.... I wouldn't let it go she would have to pay.

 

High five, Phoenix! I feel the same exact way.

I could write a ten page post on this, but I will restrain myself.

To answer the question, yes, I d*mn well would use anything I could get my hands on to bring OW's world crashing down around her. I never did anything to the one in my life, and that didn't stop her from raining hell down on me, so I have no guilt or bad feelings about anything I do to her. It amuses me.

[PhoenixRise]

Why Phoenix, you surprise me!

 

I am curious, why are you surprised?

 

I take your statements as a testimony to the strength of women.....and may the best woman survive!

 

I have a personal theory, and I may get flamed for it, but if cheating MP have a set of characterisitics that pre-dispose them to cheat, so do cheating OW/OM. I think they lack self-confidence and are often insecure.

 

I think they want what we have, or what they perceive we have that they can't seem to get legitimately: a decent, caring man or woman who provides, protects and professes his/her love.

 

They often live their lives like doormats, waiting for crumbs of time and affection from their MP.

 

But why? For love? Hot sex? On the run?

 

I think they set themselves up to not want or expect more from their lives. They stay stuck in miserable marriages and relationships and pine for the one they cannot have. But then they justify it as "Well, he or she was married. Of course they went back to their husband/wife," so they can justify being served crumbs once again.

 

I can't get over the mindset of people who have such low expectations for their lives. I want to shake them all for all the SELF-INDUCED pain I read on LS.

 

For GOD's SAKE, set your standards higher and get out of crappy relationships going nowhere.

 

Ok, getting off my soapbox for now.

 

Thanks Pheonix. You inspired me!

 

Foreal, not worth your spit. But you do what you think protects your family.

 

I think in many cases your assesment is right.

 

Foreal's situation reminds me of situations I witnessed many years ago, back when I was still a very religious person. My best friend was the preacher's daugheter and I spent a lot of time with her family. I could not believe all of the church going women who constantly threw themselve at the preacher in the most obvious ways.

 

I finally realized that to them he just looked like a good catch..He was charismatic, he looked like a good family man, looked like a devoted husband and father, made very good money from the church and took care of his wife and kids accordingly, he was even approved by God as he had been called to preach. So they tried to get him for themselves without ever thinking that if they could succeed it meant that he was not such a good catch after all.

 

They didn't think they could build for themselves what they wanted so they tried to take what someone else had already built. A shortcut.

 

I think this is what Foreal's friend did. I think she looked at Foreal's life from the outside looking in and she wanted what Foreal had so she tried to take it.

[PhoenixRise]

Don't tell..Enjoy the fantasy and especially this:who knows when I will lower the boom?....gawd that is a horrible position to be in, never knowing if or when the axe will fall?.....

 

Now, if she tries to contact you or your H, THEN I say go ahead and speak to her husband directly.

 

 

Considering your situation you probaly shouldn't tell. Never take an action that will cost you more than you stand to gain by it.

 

But don't let it go.

 

Wait.

 

AND kneecap her a$$ down the road when she least expects it.

[aeh]

As you might remember, I was just posting a short while back about wanting to confront (actually I mean talking to or just even SEEING) my H's MOW. I might still do it at some point, but some things need to occur at my H's workplace before I can do that. But the funny thing is that awhile back there was a group email which came to my H which also went to her (it was an invitation of sorts from a third party) and she responded back that she was currently out of state visiting her in-laws. I wonder if she high-tailed it out of here because she was afraid that I might show up on her doorstep. Probably not and it is just speculation but I have been thinking the same thing that she probably wonders if I will ever contact her.

[VictoryisMine]

Foreal, I say don't do it, only because you have a child in the house.

 

Otherwise i would say do whatever you want, whatever you can to destroy the MOW.

[Spark1111]

AEh, I think you could reasonably speculate she DID high tail it out of here.

 

My husband's OW dropped him like a hot potato after DDAy,for weeks, afraid of what I may do. I could have done sooooo much, but refrained.

 

Enjoy it, She is running scared for sure.

 

How could she possibly know you are not a PSYCHO who would out her to the entire world, including her spouse, church, or smash her car or tell her boss, etc.

 

I cannot believe some of the things I have read here on LS.

[silktricks]

 

Silk, you are so evolved...I feel like such a newt.

 

.

:lmao: :lmao:

oh don't I wish.... believe me, I'm not evolved, only just learning the best way to survive from day to day.

[eeyore1981]

AEh, I think you could reasonably speculate she DID high tail it out of here.

 

My husband's OW dropped him like a hot potato after DDAy,for weeks, afraid of what I may do. I could have done sooooo much, but refrained.

 

Enjoy it, She is running scared for sure.

 

How could she possibly know you are not a PSYCHO who would out her to the entire world, including her spouse, church, or smash her car or tell her boss, etc.

 

I cannot believe some of the things I have read here on LS.

 

BBM

 

Like me, lol. Last year, I seriously fantasized about putting a full-page ad in our local newspaper (very small town), complete with decorations, maybe doves in the corners, with the date of first contact and "Happy Anniversary H and OW" in huge letters, "from, my name" at the bottom. I could never have done it because it would have hurt my kids, but it was funny to think about.

[SidLyon]

BBM

 

Like me, lol. Last year, I seriously fantasized about putting a full-page ad in our local newspaper (very small town), complete with decorations, maybe doves in the corners, with the date of first contact and "Happy Anniversary H and OW" in huge letters, "from, my name" at the bottom. I could never have done it because it would have hurt my kids, but it was funny to think about.

 

Affairs are like cockroaches - they don't survive the light of day.

 

Exposing them is the real test of how "real" the feelings are. I'm sure this is why many OW are too scared to tell the BW.

 

I decided exposure is the best thing. But I did think through the ramifications of what I did and avoided anything either illegal/violent, or that could expose me to a harassment/stalking charge or restraining order and anything that might hurt my kids. On the other hand I didn't mind looking a little bit deranged - my pride was gone anyway.

 

 

 

Sid

[eeyore1981]

Affairs are like cockroaches - they don't survive the light of day.

 

Exposing them is the real test of how "real" the feelings are. I'm sure this is why many OW are too scared to tell the BW.

 

I decided exposure is the best thing. But I did think through the ramifications of what I did and avoided anything either illegal/violent, or that could expose me to a harassment/stalking charge or restraining order and anything that might hurt my kids. On the other hand I didn't mind looking a little bit deranged - my pride was gone anyway.

 

 

 

Sid

 

I've reacted just the same. I had no problem telling people there was an affair and who was involved, because I'm not ashamed, and I don't feel like a fool. That's their job, the people who committed the affair, not mine.

I really like your comment about cockroaches, it is true, and funny.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, I would tell and I would have no qualms about it. If her life is screwed it would be because she did the screwing.

[2sure]

[QUOTE=SidLyon;2389229] On the other hand I didn't mind looking a little bit deranged - my pride was gone anyway.

 

I could not blame OW for my H's affairs. Didnt blame but did contact them. When I did, I made it clear that I knew their names, numbers, addresses, family history, their spouse's or SO information , employment, records...everything. And that I had all the information regarding their contact, text messages, pictures they sent, ads they had posted , and sex with my H all on discs and ready to do with whatever I wanted.

 

And that my H had not even told them his real name.

 

I'm scary not crazy...but you know, they dont know that. They dont know anything about my H or me. i hope it makes some of them stop and reconsider what they do.

[lkjh]

Tell he has the right to know just like you have the right to know that your H cheated. she probably thinks she got away with itI doubt she is scared,

[HeidiB125]

If it's "purely" revenge, I wouldn't tell. I told because after a year it was still bothering ME that he didn't know about the affair and I was the only one keeping an eye on them since they still work together. If they still have contact he should absolutely know who the affair partner is. He then can be part of any decisions that need to be made.