loveslife Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I don't think that the rules are necessarily useless. What's more important than using them to try to attract people of the opposite sex is understanding why they exist in the first place. Most of them correlate with mistakes that lots of people make early on in their dating experience. For example, the whole thing about not calling too quickly after the first date is nothing more than a corollary to the often late-learned lesson that we shouldn't forget about our own lives while pursuing someone else's. So should rules be directly used? No, not unless you want to seem like a complete loser and have people complain about you on internet forums. However, when you look into the fundamental principle behind the "rule", I think you can learn a lot about the dating process and make fewer mistakes early by looking at not the rule itself but the justification behind it. Well said! The problem with the book is that a lot of people took it as a how-to and did not consider the deeper issue, which is having a full life of your own first and a healthy relationship with yourself in order to have a full, healthy relationship. Another problem is how deep in denial most people are, so they're not going to look inside themself, they're going to look for a how-to so they don't have to look inside themself and face certain truths. And that is the biggest failing of the book, IMO.
Island Girl Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 So many act out of desperation and aren't in a position where they understand how important their independence and love of self is. Books like The Rules can serve as a construct of basics to keep them from making blinding mistakes and clue them in to problems in their own behavior that has proven detrimental to their romantic life. Hopefully there is more after that where that person really does go away from the desperate need for someone and really does develop a more healthy perspective of having their own life and not jumping through hoops for a partner or filling their every moment with chasing, thinking, etc. Again, one can only hope this is the eventuality.
loveslife Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 So many act out of desperation and aren't in a position where they understand how important their independence and love of self is. Books like The Rules can serve as a construct of basics to keep them from making blinding mistakes and clue them in to problems in their own behavior that has proven detrimental to their romantic life. Hopefully there is more after that where that person really does go away from the desperate need for someone and really does develop a more healthy perspective of having their own life and not jumping through hoops for a partner or filling their every moment with chasing, thinking, etc. Again, one can only hope this is the eventuality. The media plays a big part in the lack of healthy relationships, IMO. On the one hand, we have books telling people how to have healthy relationships. But then movies, novels and television are filled with stories of people who get swept up in a whirlwind or who obsess. Drama rides on conflict and that's what sells. So much of our music is what I call co-dependent dirges. It's not easy to shut all that out and develop a good relationship with yourself.
boldjack Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I don't think that I have ever followed any "rules", about women , in my life. I certainly have never "chased", any. When I dated, I would meet a woman, if there was an attraction, I would make a mental note of it, and if I was again brought into close contact with that person, I would try to build on that attraction, which might or might not , lead to a date, or hook up. It was always occasion-sensitive.
WineCountry Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 You would lose respect for a guy who would rather see you than spend yet another night watching a game with the same buddy hes probably been watching games with for a decade? That makes no sense at all. Thank you. I have a ' movie ' group. This is a group of co-workers plus a few other folks who dont work with us that get together and do the 'dinner and a movie' thing when movies come out that we like. We have been doing this for about 3 years. Probably once a month we do this. Now, sure it's fun and all to do the dinner and movie. But its not like its the thrill of a life time. I mean really. But, if I guy i had started to date calls me up the day before my movie group meets and says "hey, i just got invited by my cousin to go for a drive in the Berkshires to see the foliage. ( I dont live too far from the Berkshires..about 45 min) We are also gonna go to this horse farm and go horseback riding through the trails. After that we are gonna grab dinner. There are several of us going. Would you like to go?" Now, anyone who knows me knows how much i love horses, and the outdoorsy type stuff. AND..once the leaves turn up here, I AM planning on at some point trying to make it up to the Berkshires to see the foliage. The Berkshires is just woods and trails and places to hike/camp, etc. Outdoorsy stuff. Very pretty. So, I would much rather do that than my same ol' dinner and a movie thing. So, should I really tell a guy I was dating NO if he invited me to this outing? Why? If a female friend of mine called me up and made the SAME offer, I would go. So, should I tell a guy i have started to date no, simply because that would be canceling plans I had? I would be canceling if my FRIEND asked me too, would i not? Heck, there is always somebody in our movie group who says they are gonna go, then bails for some reason or other. I think being too rigid either way is not good. I love hanging out in NYC. Love it. Now, if i canceled a outing to NYC that I was really WILD about simply because this guy asked to be with me, THEN I would consider that rearranging my life for him. But something like the movie group that i do ALL THE TIME vs doing something that seemed like more fun? Naww...see i dont consider that the same thing. But that's just me.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 [/b] I think being too rigid either way is not good. I love hanging out in NYC. Love it. Now, if i canceled a outing to NYC that I was really WILD about simply because this guy asked to be with me, THEN I would consider that rearranging my life for him. But something like the movie group that i do ALL THE TIME vs doing something that seemed like more fun? Naww...see i dont consider that the same thing. But that's just me. This is exactly what I think. There has to be a healthy compromise in life. You need to show your priorities everywhere, not just with your friends, and not just with your SO.
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