BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 hmmm... maybe this explains why I have so many great friends and am still dating ! My biggest point is that life and dating are about comprimise, not hard lines in the sand. While it is important to have your own life, a man/woman and a relationship are not a toy you can pick up whenever you want to play with it. Its not always going to be planned, or happen when its convenient for you. I just wouldn't "one-up" my friend. Say she wanted us to hang out at her place drinking tea and knitting and bf invited me to this AWESOME party where my favorite local band might drop by. I would still stick to the drink tea with friend plans since those are the plans I made first. The difference between the play and the party is that I can party any time. You cant drink tea and knit any time? Im not saying one is more important, but wouldnt you at least ask your friend if she wanted to party instead? Maybe Im just different, but almost anything is better than sitting at home watching tv. I understand that plans with your friends are important, but you SO should be too. Also, so were clear, Im not talking about a guy you dated 2 times, Im talking about someone you are in a relationship with.
Kamille Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 If my plans where doing something that I do very often (like watching baseball with a friend), and I finally get a chance to have a romantic dinner with my man, yeah I'd rearrange. Having special time together is important. My friends are the same way. I understand, but at the same time I value a man who wants to make sure we get special time together and make sure it happens by planning ahead. If I had nothing planned and felt like going, I totally would go. But I wouldn't change plans, especially if the relationship was still young (less then 2 months). And if my date was never able to make plans ahead, then I would start to question his level of interest.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Life is about compromise. And all the talk about balance - what if you're spending so much time with plans with friends... you leave your SO out of a good portion of your plans? Maybe you didn't see your SO for a few weeks, because he was out of town for a while, he came back early to surprise you, you wouldn't give up tea to make time for the special person you haven't seen in weeks?
Author dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 I understand, but at the same time I value a man who wants to make sure we get special time together and make sure it happens by planning ahead. If I had nothing planned and felt like going, I totally would go. But I wouldn't change plans, especially if the relationship was still young (less then 2 months). And if my date was never able to make plans ahead, then I would start to question his level of interest. If you're schedules conflict all week, and suddenly there's an opening, there's not much you can do about it. You can't plan out everything. Life doesn't work that way.
Kamille Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 You cant drink tea and knit any time? Im not saying one is more important, but wouldnt you at least ask your friend if she wanted to party instead? Maybe Im just different, but almost anything is better than sitting at home watching tv. I understand that plans with your friends are important, but you SO should be too. I would definitely mention the party to my friend and see if she were interested in going. If she refused and said "but if you really want to go", I would still sit and drink tea. The point for me isn't the activity, it's spending time with a friend. Making them feel like they are as important in my life as my bf is. I assure you that when I am in a serious R, my partners know they are important. I would think it disrespectful on their part, however, if they always expected me to change my plans to accomodate theirs. Showing that you are important to each other goes both ways, and for me that implies that my dates ask me out on dates with some notice. I mean, let's face it: Plans with friends happen within a 2 to last minute window. Dates can be planned 2-3 days in advance easily. Also, so were clear, Im not talking about a guy you dated 2 times, Im talking about someone you are in a relationship with. Well that does change things. As I understood the thread, I thought we were talking about the earlier months of a relationship. In a relationship... Hmmm... I can't really say what I would find ideal. I can only say that in the past my BF were my default plans, so that I usually checked in with them when making plans with friends.
northstar1 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Round and round we go.....I'm getting a headache from the semantics
Kamille Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Life is about compromise. And all the talk about balance - what if you're spending so much time with plans with friends... you leave your SO out of a good portion of your plans? Maybe you didn't see your SO for a few weeks, because he was out of town for a while, he came back early to surprise you, you wouldn't give up tea to make time for the special person you haven't seen in weeks? Well. if he surprised me then he would certainly understand if I brought him over for tea at my friends . Come on! You know what I mean! I'm not talking about exceptions here, I'm talking in general. I don't leave my SO out of my plans and SO's have never complained about how I plan my schedule in the past. If you're schedules conflict all week, and suddenly there's an opening, there's not much you can do about it. You can't plan out everything. Life doesn't work that way. No, I'm not saying you can plan out anything but: how busy can one be that you can't make plans to see someone you're really into ahead of time??? Seriously, I wouldn't feel comfortable with myself if a guy I was dating pressured me into dropping plans I had just so we can see each other at the last minute. There's always tomorow and next week.
Kamille Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Okay so I believe in one rule: A man who is interested in me will make sure to make time for me. He will plan ahead and show me, that way, that I am a priority in his life. I won't therefore need to drop plans last minute to see him. I've been operating this way for years now, and it's never been a problem. If anything, it's ensured that they valued my time as much as their own.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Well. if he surprised me then he would certainly understand if I brought him over for tea at my friends . Come on! You know what I mean! I'm not talking about exceptions here, I'm talking in general. I don't leave my SO out of my plans and SO's have never complained about how I plan my schedule in the past. No, I'm not saying you can plan out anything but: how busy can one be that you can't make plans to see someone you're really into ahead of time??? Seriously, I wouldn't feel comfortable with myself if a guy I was dating pressured me into dropping plans I had just so we can see each other at the last minute. There's always tomorow and next week. My ex fiance and I... For a while I was working second and third shifts, he'd be working first and second shifts (kind of second shifts, like they'd be going towards the later night). My friends had similar schedules to me. Ex F and I did not. So when we had the chance, we got together, regardless.
Kamille Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Well, I think that by the time you're engaged, hopefully you've reached a healthy balance in the relationship. I thought we were talking about the early stages of a relationship, usually the part that "the rules" concern themselves with. My mistake. Still, if a bf and I were both really really busy for an extended period of time, it would only seem like even more of a reason, for me, to plan ahead to make sure we got to spend some time together. I might flake on friends once, but I wouldn't want it to become a regular thing. And you know what, yes, my friends would understand, even if I flaked on them continually. That's just not how I wish to be treated by my friends, so I don't treat them like that either.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Well, I think that by the time you're engaged, hopefully you've reached a healthy balance in the relationship. I thought we were talking about the early stages of a relationship, usually the part that "the rules" concern themselves with. My mistake. Still, if a bf and I were both really really busy for an extended period of time, it would only seem like even more of a reason, for me, to plan ahead to make sure we got to spend some time together. I might flake on friends once, but I wouldn't want it to become a regular thing. And you know what, yes, my friends would understand, even if I flaked on them continually. That's just not how I wish to be treated by my friends, so I don't treat them like that either. That actually was our earlier stages. And we both appreciated each other so much for making the time when it was possible. I was already seeing way more of my friends and family then I was of him - and we wanted to make more time to be with each other. It turned out to be a good thing for us. Sometimes it was last minute, but that's just life.
sunshinegirl Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Like a few others on here, I was raised not to cancel plans just because something - or someone - more interesting has come along. It's rude and sends a terrible message to the person you're flaking on. I'm not claiming to be perfect on this, but I really can't think of a time where I've broken plans with a friend because a guy or SO asked me to do something the same night. So I agree with Kamille - a guy who plans ahead for when we're both free is a keeper. More generally, on the Rules...I used to think they were stupid, but over time I have noticed that things haven't gone so well when I have (1) rushed things or (2) been the initiator. I've learned the value of having a great life, full of stuff I love doing, and being open and responsive (but not slavish) to men who are clearly interested and take a lead in showing it.
Star Gazer Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 That actually was our earlier stages. And we both appreciated each other so much for making the time when it was possible. I was already seeing way more of my friends and family then I was of him - and we wanted to make more time to be with each other. It turned out to be a good thing for us. Sometimes it was last minute, but that's just life. Annnndddd.... you're not with him anymore.
Star Gazer Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Okay so I believe in one rule: A man who is interested in me will make sure to make time for me. He will plan ahead and show me, that way, that I am a priority in his life. I won't therefore need to drop plans last minute to see him. I've been operating this way for years now, and it's never been a problem. If anything, it's ensured that they valued my time as much as their own. If I could only make one dating rule, that'd be it, and that was my entire point. Plans are plans for a reason. A man who does not plan ahead to see me does not view me as a priority, therefore I will never change my priorities to make him mine.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Annnndddd.... you're not with him anymore. Aaaaannnd it has nothing to do with that. Look at some of the posts of those who followed 'the rules' - didn't work out either now did it. There's plenty of people who have had relationships that were fine that they aren't with anymore. I mean, SG, you come across as you get such a kick out of trying to bring someone down to feed your ego. You're so bent on being right in everything, you end up coming across as real witch. I used to have a lot of respect for your posts (whether or not I agreed with you), but I've lost all respect. I can at least respect and listen to K with her opinion because she doesn't lash out and get all nasty about things. I can at least consider it because she's respectful back, and is willing to listen to other opinions then her own.
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 If I could only make one dating rule, that'd be it, and that was my entire point. Plans are plans for a reason. A man who does not plan ahead to see me does not view me as a priority, therefore I will never change my priorities to make him mine. I feel sorry for whoever you date, seriously.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 I feel sorry for whoever you date, seriously. Someone better send him a memo to let him know to make an appointment to surprise her with a weekend getaway or romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant.
jw90063 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I mean, SG, you come across as you get such a kick out of trying to bring someone down to feed your ego. You're so bent on being right in everything, you end up coming across as real witch. I used to have a lot of respect for your posts (whether or not I agreed with you), but I've lost all respect. oh my. this girl is outrageous. now Dreamer is accusing Star of getting a kick out of bringing her down. Star is bringing dreamer down because, oh no..she doesn't agree with her. Star is such a witch, yeah that's it. :rolleyes: Dreamer, you are the witch. I'm sorry, but I had to stick my nose in here. Everything seems to be about you and your threads are so popular. I think its because every loves to watch the drama created , due to your aggressive nature. Not everyone agrees with you, so get over it. If anyone is a witch, its you. You are the most annoying person on the planet. God. You seriously have no respect for ANYONE. I feel so sorry for any guy who is attempting to date you.
sunshinegirl Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Someone better send him a memo to let him know to make an appointment to surprise her with a weekend getaway or romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant. I don't get this back and forth. If there's good communication between said girl and boy, boy will have a sense of girl's schedule and, if he respects her and her independent time, will do his best to plan around it. I guess this assumes they are in a bona fide relationship at this point. (And, by the way, if I were planning something special, I would plan around my SO's known plans too...) As for more casual dating, I would think it applies even more to not cancel on friends/family members etc for something that may not go anywhere. "Oh, what an awesome suggestion! If only I were free that night...how about a rain check?"
kizik Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Dreamer, you are the witch. I'm sorry, but I had to stick my nose in here. Everything seems to be about you and your threads are so popular. I think its because every loves to watch the drama created , due to your aggressive nature. Not everyone agrees with you, so get over it. If anyone is a witch, its you. You are the most annoying person on the planet. God. You seriously have no respect for ANYONE. I feel so sorry for any guy who is attempting to date you. He said it, not me.
bluewolf17 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Your making this ONE rule, way more than it has to be. It's all about respecting yourself, and weeding out men who don't respect you. And for the most part, the rules apply to new relationships. And it makes perfect sense to keep a full life, and not have someone new become your life and your default plans. And I always keep my dates with my girlfriends. And I always keep my dates with my boyfriends. It's called a planner . Okay you two get back into it for now. This has been a fun thread to read.
Star Gazer Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Like Sunshine, I don't get the back and forth either. What's with comments like this: Someone better send him a memo to let him know to make an appointment to surprise her with a weekend getaway or romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant. COME ON, Dreamer. What's with all of the incomplete, hypertechnical hypotheticals? If you're in a happy, solid, stable relationship, guess what happens? YOU SHARE WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOUR LIFE (I.E., YOUR PLANS) SUCH THAT HE ALREADY KNOWS YOUR PLANS AND SCHEDULE, AND PLANS AROUND IT...just as HE would share what's going on with HIMself. If you're in a happy, solid, stable relationship, he will STILL want to make things special, and PLAN things in advance. Using this silly surprise weekend getaway example, he'll make up a cute fib about having to take you to some lame work conference, and then takes you to St. Baarts instead. It's really not rocket science. If a guy cares, he will plan. YOU won't have to drop your plans or other parts of your life just because he has a spare second available at the last minute. Women who tolerate last minute invitations and flake on their friends to be with such inconsiderate men are DOORMATS. As for the rest of your "commentary," would you like to be the pot, or the kettle? I'll let you pick!
jw90063 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Before I'm gone again, I want to add. The title of this thread should have been "Dreamer makes the rules" Peace and have fun watching the show:)
Author dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 I've said it once, and I'll say it again. This had nothing to do with ME. I was curious as who used the rules and who didn't. No references were made about my dating by me. Further more, there's been several opinions that I've not agreed with, but they were done in a respectful manner. There's many threads with opinions I don't agree with, but I don't get nasty about.
tinktronik Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 oh my. this girl is outrageous. now Dreamer is accusing Star of getting a kick out of bringing her down. Star is bringing dreamer down because, oh no..she doesn't agree with her. Star is such a witch, yeah that's it. :rolleyes: Dreamer, you are the witch. I'm sorry, but I had to stick my nose in here. Everything seems to be about you and your threads are so popular. I think its because every loves to watch the drama created , due to your aggressive nature. Not everyone agrees with you, so get over it. If anyone is a witch, its you. You are the most annoying person on the planet. God. You seriously have no respect for ANYONE. I feel so sorry for any guy who is attempting to date you. Wow! Well that's going to be an enormously productive post. I think Dreamer that some people need rules in their lives for everything and some do not. You are apparently not one of them [and neither am I] but some others are. That's just the way people are. You get some flak because you do not have the "best" dating history. I can see you are having fun and kind of excited to be starting something nice. I think what mostly everyone here is getting at is to not get yourself hurt, be careful. I hope you have great fun with this new R, wether or not it works in any long term situation and that even if it does not that's okay with you too.
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