Who uses the rules?

[Star Gazer]

Whatever validates you to bring off topic matters into the thread. Just because I started a thread, doesn't mean it has to do with my dating life.

 

It's so obvious, that it's actually painful to watch you try to deny it.

 

It's hypothetical. And you just got done saying you'd lose respect for him if he'd cancel on his friends, but it's okay for you to consider it?

 

Can you read? Both you and BCCA said you'd VOLUNTARILY, without being asked, rearrange your plans for your SO. I said that if my BF did ask me to change my plans to make an exception, I'd consider it. I didn't say I'd actually change my plans. There's a big difference there. If you can't see it, I can't help you.

 

For someone who's R isn't their whole life, you still yet spend your time wanting to be with him. I like my alone time, and need it, and when I get it, I don't have the urge to be with my man (if I have one).

 

I have no idea what you're saying here. I'd always like my BF to be a part of my activities, but I know that he shouldn't be. I also know that there are things he likes to do, that I don't, and vice versa. What is more, I don't think he'd enjoy celebrity gossip over parafin wraps. But if he did, I'd probably invite him along.

 

But while you have your dinner plans, you're wishing to be with your bf. When I am with my friends, I'm content with that, not wanting to be else where.

 

You're twisting my words big time. Lame.

 

You implied it and you know it.

 

Duh, that's why I used the phrase "it's implied."

 

You've made so many references to my dating life in this thread - that has nothing to do with my dating life. Some people are capable of having a discussion about things without it being centered around themselves.

 

I still maintain that it's directly relevant, and I've stated the reason why. Rarely do people start threads in the DATING forum on issues that aren't relevant to themselves.

 

I hate to break it to you SG, but you're not right about everything.

 

I can admit that. Can you?

 

I'll wait until the time is right to chime in further.

[dreamergrl]

It's so obvious, that it's actually painful to watch you try to deny it.

 

 

 

Can you read? Both you and BCCA said you'd VOLUNTARILY, without being asked, rearrange your plans for your SO. I said that if my BF did ask me to change my plans to make an exception, I'd consider it. I didn't say I'd actually change my plans. There's a big difference there. If you can't see it, I can't help you.

 

We said if we were asked we might do it. Can you read? And why consider it if you aren't going to do it?

 

 

I have no idea what you're saying here. I'd always like my BF to be a part of my activities, but I know that he shouldn't be. I also know that there are things he likes to do, that I don't, and vice versa. What is more, I don't think he'd enjoy celebrity gossip over parafin wraps. But if he did, I'd probably invite him along.

 

Why would you always like your bf to be a part of your activities. You need away time, and you should want it without him.

 

 

 

You're twisting my words big time. Lame.

 

But it's not lame when you do it?

 

 

 

Duh, that's why I used the phrase "it's implied."

 

 

So quit implying it, you've got no basis.

 

I still maintain that it's directly relevant, and I've stated the reason why. Rarely do people start threads in the DATING forum on issues that aren't relevant to themselves.

 

You've got no proof of this, as I have not asked anything that links with my dating life or my other thread. Not to mention my other thread doesn't ask should I play the game by the rules.

 

 

 

I can admit that. Can you?

 

I know where I've went wrong in the past. I've admitted my errors plenty of times. I've never once seen you admit to be wrong.

 

I'll wait until the time is right to chime in further.

 

So basically you want to wait and see if things go bad, so you can say you told me so. Wow, there's a good poster for LS.

[2sure]

I read the book, studied the book like a bar exam student. I lived the rules. That and another book I will not mention here about hooking up with rich guys. They work.

 

As proof, I am on my third marriage and if I'm honest can say I have never really had a mutually sincere healthy relationship.

 

Oh yeah - they work

[dreamergrl]

If you don't follow Dreamer's rules, she gets all upset. What a shame. Yet, another thread which clarifies her nasty little attitude. You MUST agree with this girl or you are doomed.

 

I can't figure out if this girls got PMS or just some major personality disorder. As for her dates, it won't last too long, after they find out what a character she really is.

 

I didn't state any rules But imagine that, a brand new spanking poster, a past poster that either needs to make up a name because they've been banned, or they just need someone else to agree with them.

 

I read the book, studied the book like a bar exam student. I lived the rules. That and another book I will not mention here about hooking up with rich guys. They work.

 

As proof, I am on my third marriage and if I'm honest can say I have never really had a mutually sincere healthy relationship.

 

Oh yeah - they work

 

Not even your currant marriage?

[BCCA]

I read the book, studied the book like a bar exam student. I lived the rules. That and another book I will not mention here about hooking up with rich guys. They work.

 

As proof, I am on my third marriage and if I'm honest can say I have never really had a mutually sincere healthy relationship.

 

Oh yeah - they work

 

It took me a minute to pick up the sarcasm, but Im glad you posted this. This has always been my argument AGAINST those stupid rules.

[dreamergrl]

It took me a minute to pick up the sarcasm, but Im glad you posted this. This has always been my argument AGAINST those stupid rules.

 

Yeah I just picked up on the sarcasm myself.

[ReturnToSender]

I read the book, studied the book like a bar exam student. I lived the rules. That and another book I will not mention here about hooking up with rich guys. They work.

 

As proof, I am on my third marriage and if I'm honest can say I have never really had a mutually sincere healthy relationship.

 

Oh yeah - they work

 

Ginie Polo Sayles? LoL...I have those books too. I love your assessment of the results...so right on

[carhill]

Not even your current marriage?

 

This might help with the status of that one:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=199876

[dreamergrl]

This might help with the status of that one:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=199876

 

Oooh 2sure - There's a lot of sections I don't visit on LS. I didn't know you were going through such a hard time. I'm so sorry!

[2sure]

Oh yes. Its not as though I dont see the irony.

I said it of course, sarcastically - but I'd have to be completely blind to not realize that in some ways...I'm exactly where I aimed to go so long ago. yessiree.

[GorillaTheater]

Oh yes. Its not as though I dont see the irony.

I said it of course, sarcastically - but I'd have to be completely blind to not realize that in some ways...I'm exactly where I aimed to go so long ago. yessiree.

 

Damn. I'm wanting to give you a hug.

[2sure]

I'll have to address my issues some day. I guess.

 

But I just want to warn other women that developing the skill set acquired from books like the RULES, etc....I mean, you might consider spending the time and effort on something else...like sincerity or becoming a brain surgeon.

 

I'm thinking...If I spent the same amount of time and effort chasing money & power on making it myself....well, you see what I'm saying here. Also, being sincere...its a skill too. You can develop being sincere or being insincere...they both become habits.

[Trialbyfire]

Back when, I used to enjoy sport fishing for players, in a catch and release program. That's when I used to play games like mad. They do work but what have you caught? Nothing worth keeping.

[Kamille]

Damn. I'm wanting to give you a hug.

Me too ((2sure))

 

Anyway, left LS for two hours and, hmm, well...

 

 

K - please, I'm not falling into old habbits. I'm taking things one day at a time, and enjoying it. Since I've moved I've been extremely happy with my life with or without a man.

 

Good, I'm glad to hear it. Like I said, I was just concerned. I think the most important thing is to have trust in your own judgement, like TBF said.

 

At the same time, and here I am speaking for me, sometimes I need "reminders" that my own judgement isn't always right: for instance, skipping the gym might make me happy now, but going to the gym is better for me in the long run. Much the same way, allowing myself to ignore all the rules and fall head over heels might make me happy now, but perhaps it isn't the best strategy for the long run. I'm trying to change my tack and yes, rules have helped me reflect on how best to do it. (Although I have never ignored or not return phone calls... That's just ridiculous).

 

 

Ya know, I was the same way about 2 years ago or so. I over-analyzed everything, defended my/the guy's actions, and rushed in, head first, to obtain some semblance of a relationship so that I could feel secure within myself.

 

 

I hated that part in me years ago. I know I was over-analyzing and yet, I didn't stop! So glad I did, finally!

 

I think I'm getting better at it. It remains a question though, one that is perhaps relevant here: maybe meeting the right guy makes it so you don't need to question and over-analyze. It just feels right. And that's when all the rules can go out the window.

 

 

The rules are for those who aren't busy, and are not hard to get. They promote the idea that we should mirror after ppl like you--who actually are busy and hard to get. So, you don't need the rules because you are already like that.

 

Hu? So what stops those people from getting busy? Like Island Girl says so eloquently in the next post: it's as simple as making yourself a priority.

 

I have always had my own version of the rules.

 

That said -- it is just one, I fill my life with a lot of things I love to do. I am special and deserve to be treated as such - most of all by me.

 

So a guy can become part of it, he can become part of a lot of it, but he will never be all of it. And he better appreciate what time he does get.

 

Somethings I will always want to do by myself or with one or two good girlfriends. Spa days, a couple stolen hours at a coffee house with a good book, long luxurious baths with a glass of wine...

 

Those things are for ME. They are to treat me and I enjoy them. He doesn't get to be part of them nor will I stop doing them.

And if other things come up on occasion like a concert with a friend, etc. I do it.

Keeping my own time has saved me especially lately. All my eggs aren't wrapped up with my husband. If it had ever been like that the last three years would have killed me and destroyed us.

 

I love this post Island Girl. Love it love it love it. In the end, balance is about valuing ourselves. So perhaps those who need "the rules" just don't put enough value on themselves.

 

That being said: re: cancelling plans: I was raised to believe it was impolite to cancel plans just because something more exciting came up. And BCCA brings a good example. I understand it's normal that meeting someone means you will spend more time with them and have less time for yourself, but I still would not cancel watching a chick flick with a friend just cause my date wanted to take me to a steak house. The steak house can wait.

 

Also, in the relationships where I rushed, my exes rapidly became my default plans. As in, a friend would ask me to do something and I would say "oh, well BF and I had plans to watch the hockey game". That's where I would lose most of my autonomy. So... yeah... again, this thread is making me realize that I really have to force myself not to rush into things.

 

I have combined plans in the past (wanna join us?), and that works too - even though friends usually refuse because they don't want to be the fifth wheel. I still find it's important to make time for one's friends outside of the relationship.

[Star Gazer]

At the same time, and here I am speaking for me, sometimes I need "reminders" that my own judgment isn't always right: for instance, skipping the gym might make me happy now, but going to the gym is better for me in the long run. Much the same way, allowing myself to ignore all the rules and fall head over heels might make me happy now, but perhaps it isn't the best strategy for the long run.

 

Well said, K.

 

I understand it's normal that meeting someone means you will spend more time with them and have less time for yourself, but I still would not cancel watching a chick flick with a friend just cause my date wanted to take me to a steak house. The steak house can wait.

 

re: cancelling plans: I was raised to believe it was impolite to cancel plans just because something more exciting came up.

 

Me too, hence why I said I'd lose respect for someone who was rude in that way.

[Rebellious]

Game-playing & ”rules” vary between countries/cultures. In the US, most girls I’ve come across play games/“rules” but never admit to it, so don’t expect any honest confessions here.

 

I stand corrected, there is ONE honest chick here -- 2sure

 

:bunny::bunny:

[BCCA]

I understand it's normal that meeting someone means you will spend more time with them and have less time for yourself, but I still would not cancel watching a chick flick with a friend just cause my date wanted to take me to a steak house. The steak house can wait.

 

So if the shoe was on the other foot, and your gf really needed you for a night, you would just tell her too bad, she can wait? You guys are taking this way out of context, Im talking about once in a while, you are making it out like Im saying everytime your SO wants you for the night, you bail.

 

I was raised to believe it was impolite to cancel plans just because something more exciting came up

 

So youve never cancelled plans in your whole life?

 

Me too, hence why I said I'd lose respect for someone who was rude in that way.

 

Its odd you never mentioned this once in all your posts so far. Random, huh?

 

This is so ridiculous, my goodness...

[Kamille]

So if the shoe was on the other foot, and your gf really needed you for a night, you would just tell her too bad, she can wait? You guys are taking this way out of context, Im talking about once in a while, you are making it out like Im saying everytime your SO wants you for the night, you bail.

 

No, if my girl friend really needed me or if my boyfriend really needed me, I would rearrange. What I'm saying is that I wouldn't cancel plans because I perceived the other plans to be "more exciting".

 

Say I had plans to have dinner with friends but the guy I'm seeing now told me: "I have to attend this event next Friday and it's really important for me that you be there", I would call my friends and say: "something came up, do you mind if we reschedule?". But it would be the exception and it would need to be something that we couldn't do at any other time. The same goes for my friends: say my bf and I had dinner plans and one of my friends called me with a crisis: I would cancel. I just wouldn't cancel for something "more exciting".

 

So youve never cancelled plans in your whole life?

 

See above. And yes, I cancel plans. I've cancelled Friday night going out plans because I was beat and wanted to spend the night at home. Alone. I've never cancelled plans for "better" plans.

[dreamergrl]

So if the shoe was on the other foot, and your gf really needed you for a night, you would just tell her too bad, she can wait? You guys are taking this way out of context, Im talking about once in a while, you are making it out like Im saying everytime your SO wants you for the night, you bail.

 

Plans can change. Constant flaking is RUDE. But if you're doing something that you do on such a NORMAL basis, and your SO wants to steal you away for the night, what is wrong with that? Ya know?

 

 

Its odd you never mentioned this once in all your posts so far. Random, huh?

 

This is so ridiculous, my goodness...

Oh but she said she'd consider canceling plans if her bf (who she always rather be with, but can't have it that way)

 

And about that whole voluntary thing... about voluntarily changing plans to accept an invite from your SO. Obviously it would be voluntary. If I didn't want to change plans, I wouldn't.

[sally4sara]

I just looked it up to know what the hell it is.

 

Ahhh, its as bad as those pathetic PUA gurus and the girls that follow it like a mantra are as simple as the manlings who use The Game.

 

But I guess I'd have to admit that we all have ways to dissect each other. I just figure the ones WE come up with and use are better than using somebody else's standards for choosing a mate. I'm wasn't looking for THEIR ideal mate, I was looking for mine.

 

I won't date someone who is rude to the server.

- but this rule won't work well for someone who is rude their servers.

I won't date police officers

- how would my advise help a police officer?

A Bronx Tale - Sonny says not to date a girl who won't unlock your car door for you.

What if you don't own a car?

[dreamergrl]

Here's an example. I've dated guys who's work schedule conflicted with mine. It was harder to get together for dinner or lunch because I'd work mornings, afternoons, or nights, it always changed. So if we had a chance to get away for a romantic dinner, yeah, I'd take him up on that. And if he did that for me, I'd think it was sweet.

[BCCA]

I said if all I was doing was watching a game with my buddy, which Ive done countless times, and my gf asked if she could steal me away instead, Id probably do it and my buddy would probably say 'go ahead'.

 

I do NOT keep looking for 'better plans' when I have them. If you were supposed to watch a chick flick on DVD with your gf, and your bf got last minute tickets to an awesome opera, or something that was a one time event you had to go to tonight, I have a hard time believing that chick flick couldnt wait.

 

This whole thing is not about plans, its about trying to rationalize why you follow those stupid rules about being unavailable.

[Kamille]

Here's an example. I've dated guys who's work schedule conflicted with mine. It was harder to get together for dinner or lunch because I'd work mornings, afternoons, or nights, it always changed. So if we had a chance to get away for a romantic dinner, yeah, I'd take him up on that. And if he did that for me, I'd think it was sweet.

 

You would take him up on that even if you had previous plans with friends?

The way I see it, it would have been up to your date and you to come up with a convenient time that suited you both ahead of time.

I wouldn't just drop plans last minute to go have lunch with a guy.

 

I said if all I was doing was watching a game with my buddy, which Ive done countless times, and my gf asked if she could steal me away instead, Id probably do it and my buddy would probably say 'go ahead'.

 

I do NOT keep looking for 'better plans' when I have them. If you were supposed to watch a chick flick on DVD with your gf, and your bf got last minute tickets to an awesome opera, or something that was a one time event you had to go to tonight, I have a hard time believing that chick flick couldnt wait.

 

This whole thing is not about plans, its about trying to rationalize why you follow those stupid rules about being unavailable.

 

Correction, I don't follow stupid rules about being unavailable. What I'm saying is that I find it's important not to allow your life to revolve around someone you've just started dating, especially if it involves cancelling plans.

 

Okay, scenario: my friend and I make plans to have coffee and my bf calls me to say "hey, I just go tickets to go see that hot sold out play we've been wanting to see". Both plans were made on the same day. Yes. you are right, I would likely rearrange the plans with my friend because this was a one chance opportunity.

 

I just wouldn't "one-up" my friend. Say she wanted us to hang out at her place drinking tea and knitting and bf invited me to this AWESOME party where my favorite local band might drop by. I would still stick to the drink tea with friend plans since those are the plans I made first. The difference between the play and the party is that I can party any time.

 

Same, if I had plans to watch a Friends rerun with my friends and my BF invited me to an awesome restaurant, I would still stick to the original plans with my friend and suggest we go to the restaurant at a time that is convenient for us both.

 

hmmm... maybe this explains why I have so many great friends and am still dating !

[Adunaphel]

1 - Who uses 'the rules' when dating?

I don't. But I find the rules (and similar books) very interesting. I think they provide some useful insight no matter whether someone decides to stick to them or not. I never followed them, not on purpose anyway (I have to admit that they *do* work, in a way) because they are not my thing, but the first time I read them they helped me realize how much of a doormat I tended to become.

 

2 - Who thinks 'the rules' involves game playing?

Not necessarily, IMO.

I remind that even the authors of the rules said that some girls just naturally act 'according to the rules'. In their case, it would not be game playing, just a part of their personality.

Otherwise it goes imo from just adjusting one's behaviour to outright game playing and faking something you are not.

 

3 - Do you think that with the right person, you'd need to play games (ex: making them think you're busy, when you're not, so they chase you more

I think it depends... the right guy for me might be someone else's nightmare come true. Some people just do not feel happy (or get bored) in a relationship if they do not get to chase one another. Other people (like myself) cannot relax and feel really conforatble until the chasing stops and the relationship has become predictable.

[dreamergrl]

If my plans where doing something that I do very often (like watching baseball with a friend), and I finally get a chance to have a romantic dinner with my man, yeah I'd rearrange. Having special time together is important. My friends are the same way.