Who uses the rules?

[BCCA]

Exactly! But how does a guy/girl manage to still have a life, if he/she drops whatever he/she's doing to be with his/her GF/BF just because she/he is available and wants to do something?

 

I'd always rather be with my BF, but if I were to cancel on everything else that I have going on in my life simply because I'd rather be with him...well, that wouldn't allow me to have a life beyond him, now would it?

 

I didnt say EVERY time, bail on everyone else for your bf. I said there are times in life when the plans you had are bested by something else, and you can CHOSE to bail on them for something better to do.

 

Youre twisting things way out of context. Obviously, you should have your own life and not bail on all your friends when your bf calls. But that doesnt mean that you cant chose to hang out with your bf over your friends, and vice versa, from time to time.

 

Bending over can be fun!

 

We like it, too

[dreamergrl]

Exactly! But how does a guy/girl manage to still have a life, if he/she drops whatever he/she's doing to be with his/her GF/BF just because she/he is available and wants to do something?

 

I'd always rather be with my BF, but if I were to cancel on everything else that I have going on in my life simply because I'd rather be with him...well, that wouldn't allow me to have a life beyond him, now would it?

 

Who said anything about canceling all the time?

 

I personally don't think it's healthy to always rather be with the SO either. You should want to do things without them as well, without wishing you were with them instead.

 

Bending over can be fun!

 

:o:o

[Phateless]

I'm curious..

 

1 - Who uses 'the rules' when dating?

2 - Who thinks 'the rules' involves game playing?

3 - Do you think that with the right person, you'd need to play games (ex: making them think you're busy, when you're not, so they chase you more)

 

I think THE RULES are for people who need drama to keep them entertained. I think they are a 100% negative force and will create drama out of thin air, nothing more.

[Star Gazer]

I think SG is saying you should avoid going anyway, just to play a stupid game of 'Im so busy'.

 

That is NOT what I'm saying whatsoever, and you know it. Obviously that is NOT what I'm saying, as I flatly said that you should not PLAY busy, you should actually have such a full life that you actually ARE busy from time to time. I do not, under any circumstances, advocate declining an invitation just for the sake of appearances. That's lame to the n'th degree.

 

And I'm sorry, I ADORE my BF and plan on spending the rest of my life with him. But, for example, I'm not going to give up my mani-pedi date with my BFF (a regular occurrence, just like BCCA's 'ball game example) because my BF wants to check out the new steakhouse we've BOTH been wanting to try (something I'd rather do). Why? Because I have a life outside my relationship. It's called balance.

 

Dreamer is just looking for validation for her decision to rush head first into an instant relationship with someone she doesn't know. I disagree with anyone who subscribes to that.

[MissJoness]

Kamille says it just right. It's not about playing hard to get, or making them think you're busy. Rather, it's about actually being busy, and hard to get. It's about having such a full life, that you simply can't spend 24/7 with someone you just met, because you have other things and other priorities beyond simply finding a boyfriend.

 

In essence, those who throw caution to the wind, and don't pay attention to traditional courtship patterns (to use your term, "the rules"), are simply looking to find someone to make themselves feel whole, or as K said, to fill a void in their life. The right guy adds to my life - he doesn't become my life. I don't spend 24/7 with someone I just met, nor do I concern myself with impressing him so early.

 

Rather, like any meaningful relationship, I take my time to really, truly get to know him at his core. Before I know that he is "worth it," I will not make him a priority (e.g., spend 3 straight days with him and make him dinner on date 3 or otherwise chase him).

 

So yeah, the reason why wise people advocate traditional courtship patterns is to keep balance and independence, and really allow yourself to get to know the person at their core before investing.

 

But you're all in already, so I'm not sure it really matters why we think this way.

 

The rules are for those who aren't busy, and are not hard to get. They promote the idea that we should mirror after ppl like you--who actually are busy and hard to get. So, you don't need the rules because you are already like that.

[northstar1]

I didnt say EVERY time, bail on everyone else for your bf. I said there are times in life when the plans you had are bested by something else, and you can CHOSE to bail on them for something better to do.

 

Youre twisting things way out of context. Obviously, you should have your own life and not bail on all your friends when your bf calls. But that doesnt mean that you cant chose to hang out with your bf over your friends, and vice versa, from time to time.

 

 

 

We like it, too

 

 

Oi Vey, who are you bending over for BBCA?

[MissJoness]

I like, respect, and agree with that. Well put, especially the part about all the other couples. Im the last of the single people amongst my friends, and it does cloud your judgement a bit.

 

Making yourself have a life and be active, and pretending you are just to get a reaction, are very different things, though. Thats my only issue with the rules, they seem to promote pretending to be something youre not, instead of following your (good) advice of actually making your life about you, and finding someone to join the party

 

Agreed. It's only so long that you can make up all these great places you are going and all these friends you have before you start to sound real phony.

 

Isn't part of having a boyfriend, having a life? Once you start dating, people tend to go out a lot more.

[Star Gazer]

You know what's funny?

 

When I was single, miserable, lonely, desperate for a relationship, I started a thread just like this one - arguing against traditional courtship patterns. A sort of, "Why shouldn't I chase? Why shouldn't I spend all my time with him? Why should I do something else when I'd rather be doing this with him?" sort of attitude. In other words, the same attitude as Dreamer and the other single people here who are also looking for relationships to validate themselves.

 

The people who argued against my theory were the ones who already had full lives, both in and outside of their relationships (if they were in one), and were, and remain, genuinely happy. I fought against their advice for a long, long time. I failed.

 

Over the years here, I've watched countless posters here do the same thing. Dreamer's not the first, nor will she be the last.

 

All I can say is, when you rush head first into a relationship, and you invest and put all your eggs in one basket from the get go, and try to impress and put a level of effort in that should be reserved for much longer down the road (after you actually really know the person), odds are 99 times out of 100, that you will wind up right back where you started. Yes, 99 times. Because there are those great exceptions to the rule. But the "rule" exists for a reason.

[bluewolf17]

That is NOT what I'm saying whatsoever, and you know it. Obviously that is NOT what I'm saying, as I flatly said that you should not PLAY busy, you should actually have such a full life that you actually ARE busy from time to time. I do not, under any circumstances, advocate declining an invitation just for the sake of appearances. That's lame to the n'th degree.

 

And I'm sorry, I ADORE my BF and plan on spending the rest of my life with him. But, for example, I'm not going to give up my mani-pedi date with my BFF (a regular occurrence, just like BCCA's 'ball game example) because my BF wants to check out the new steakhouse we've BOTH been wanting to try (something I'd rather do). Why? Because I have a life outside my relationship. It's called balance.

 

.

 

I agree with all of this.

[dreamergrl]

 

Dreamer is just looking for validation for her decision to rush head first into an instant relationship with someone she doesn't know. I disagree with anyone who subscribes to that.

 

Again, this is off topic and has nothing to do with the topic I posted. We see people talking about the rules all the time here.

 

I don't need validation to do something that makes me happy. Just because it's not how you think dating should be, doesn't make it the wrong way. Everyone is different.

 

And if getting your feet done on a regular basis with your bff is more important then when you're bf wants you to make an exception to once in a great while, then I wonder where your priorities are.

 

My friends would understand (as long as it's not constant) if I needed to make some room for a bf.

[MissJoness]

That is NOT what I'm saying whatsoever, and you know it. Obviously that is NOT what I'm saying, as I flatly said that you should not PLAY busy, you should actually have such a full life that you actually ARE busy from time to time. I do not, under any circumstances, advocate declining an invitation just for the sake of appearances. That's lame to the n'th degree.

 

And I'm sorry, I ADORE my BF and plan on spending the rest of my life with him. But, for example, I'm not going to give up my mani-pedi date with my BFF (a regular occurrence, just like BCCA's 'ball game example) because my BF wants to check out the new steakhouse we've BOTH been wanting to try (something I'd rather do). Why? Because I have a life outside my relationship. It's called balance.

 

Dreamer is just looking for validation for her decision to rush head first into an instant relationship with someone she doesn't know. I disagree with anyone who subscribes to that.

 

Yeah, but you already have the guy and he's not going anywhere so you can decline a date w/ your boyfriend because you're already invested in one another.

 

The rulebooks tell you to decline invitations (to appear busy) when you are simply dating but not exclusive with the guy yet..this is dangerous territory.

[kizik]

Again, this is off topic and has nothing to do with the topic I posted.

 

You are not a moderator.

 

Complain to Tony if you have a problem, and stop getting all fussy because people aren't talking about YOU for five minutes.

[BCCA]

Oi Vey, who are you bending over for BBCA?

 

You dont like it when chicks bend over for you?

 

That is NOT what I'm saying whatsoever, and you know it.

 

No, I dont, and it sure sounded like it was to me. Youre still not doing what you want just so you dont see your boyfriend unless you planned to, which = controlling.

 

All I can say is, when you rush head first into a relationship, and you invest and put all your eggs in one basket from the get go, and try to impress and put a level of effort in that should be reserved for much longer down the road (after you actually really know the person), odds are 99 times out of 100, that you will wind up right back where you started. Yes, 99 times. Because there are those great exceptions to the rule. But the "rule" exists for a reason

 

Show me where anyone said 'rush head first into a relationship' on this thread.

 

The rulebooks tell you to decline invitations (to appear busy) when you are simply dating but not exclusive with the guy yet..this is dangerous territory

 

THANK YOU!!! I said what SG was doing was fine, but thats not what the rules said.

[dreamergrl]

You know what's funny?

 

When I was single, miserable, lonely, desperate for a relationship, I started a thread just like this one - arguing against traditional courtship patterns. A sort of, "Why shouldn't I chase? Why shouldn't I spend all my time with him? Why should I do something else when I'd rather be doing this with him?" sort of attitude. In other words, the same attitude as Dreamer and the other single people here who are also looking for relationships to validate themselves.

 

The people who argued against my theory were the ones who already had full lives, both in and outside of their relationships (if they were in one), and were, and remain, genuinely happy. I fought against their advice for a long, long time. I failed.

 

Over the years here, I've watched countless posters here do the same thing. Dreamer's not the first, nor will she be the last.

 

All I can say is, when you rush head first into a relationship, and you invest and put all your eggs in one basket from the get go, and try to impress and put a level of effort in that should be reserved for much longer down the road (after you actually really know the person), odds are 99 times out of 100, that you will wind up right back where you started. Yes, 99 times. Because there are those great exceptions to the rule. But the "rule" exists for a reason.

 

 

:lmao::lmao:

 

Where am I asking why shouldn't I spend all my time with a guy? Where does it say that I'm canceling all my plans for him. Really SG - you're twisting things around.

 

Seriously - get a grip, this thread has nothing to do with my dating life.

 

:lmao::lmao:

[Island Girl]

The rules are for those who aren't busy, and are not hard to get. They promote the idea that we should mirror after ppl like you--who actually are busy and hard to get. So, you don't need the rules because you are already like that.

 

I have always had my own version of the rules.

 

That said -- it is just one, I fill my life with a lot of things I love to do. I am special and deserve to be treated as such - most of all by me.

 

So a guy can become part of it, he can become part of a lot of it, but he will never be all of it. And he better appreciate what time he does get.

 

Somethings I will always want to do by myself or with one or two good girlfriends. Spa days, a couple stolen hours at a coffee house with a good book, long luxurious baths with a glass of wine...

 

Those things are for ME. They are to treat me and I enjoy them. He doesn't get to be part of them nor will I stop doing them.

And if other things come up on occasion like a concert with a friend, etc. I do it.

Keeping my own time has saved me especially lately. All my eggs aren't wrapped up with my husband. If it had ever been like that the last three years would have killed me and destroyed us.

[dreamergrl]

 

Dreamer is just looking for validation for her decision to rush head first into an instant relationship with someone she doesn't know. I disagree with anyone who subscribes to that.

 

You are not a moderator.

 

Complain to Tony if you have a problem, and stop getting all fussy because people aren't talking about YOU for five minutes.

 

Actually, it's the opposite problem, I don't want this thread to be about me. It has nothing to do with a specific thing going on in my life. It's a discussion. Nice try though

[ReturnToSender]

Obviously, no one should put up with bad behavior. That's a given, and a sign of respect for yourself - not so much a rule.

 

Aaaaaand...that was my point. Much of whats in "the rules" is common sense. But how many times have we seen people in relationships put up with bad behavior? Make excuses and justify it?

 

The Rules for the most part is nothing more than pointing out what is common sense...and the rest is silly game playing fluff. The only rules anyone should follow are their own...as in, what fits into their life and what they are comfortable with. Anything other than that is a ruse...and when someone is deceptive in their behavior to get into a relationship, then the relationship as a whole is a lie.

[dreamergrl]

I think people should just be natural and themselves. Do what makes them happy - without hurting other people - and enjoy life.

 

I felt so much better when I stopped worrying if I'm doing this or that right. I started enjoying myself and the people around me.

 

So how can one really enjoy their dating life if they aren't being true to who they are? If they are following words instead of their wants and needs?

[Star Gazer]

Again, this is off topic and has nothing to do with the topic I posted. We see people talking about the rules all the time here.

 

How is it off-topic? You started the thread, and there's a reason behind the position you're taking. That bias is certainly relevant to the subject matter. Pretend it isn't all you like, but we know it's not.

 

And if getting your feet done on a regular basis with your bff is more important then when you're bf wants you to make an exception to once in a great while, then I wonder where your priorities are.

 

Who said he ASKED me to make an exception? You said that you'd voluntarily cancel on friends/rearrange your plans for him, and BCCA said he'd voluntarily cancel as well - without being asked. THAT is what I'm saying isn't a good thing. However, if my BF asked me to do something for him, of course I'd consider it.

 

And if you voluntarily make having dinner (at a steakhouse that will still be there tomorrow!) with your boyfriend a priority over a ritual with your BEST FRIEND, then I'd question your priorities. For you, it's clear. Your relationship is your whole life. It's not mine.

 

My friends would understand (as long as it's not constant) if I needed to make some room for a bf.

 

Obviously, when a new person (BF/GF) enters your life, there's going to be less time for other things and other people, as here's only so much time in the day. You have to balance things out.

 

"Making time" for a boyfriend is one thing. Canceling on friends is another. If you want to make time for your boyfriend, don't make plans with your friends to begin with.

 

Yeah, but you already have the guy and he's not going anywhere so you can decline a date w/ your boyfriend because you're already invested in one another.

 

Not true. Even when we were dating, I maintained my dinner plans with friends, and the like. That really hasn't changed.

[Star Gazer]

So how can one really enjoy their dating life if they aren't being true to who they are? If they are following words instead of their wants and needs?

 

Exactly.

 

I only suggest that "being true to who you are" and following your needs and wants include having a life outside your relationship, and not validating yourself with a man.

[Star Gazer]

:lmao::lmao:

 

Where am I asking why shouldn't I spend all my time with a guy? Where does it say that I'm canceling all my plans for him. Really SG - you're twisting things around.

 

I didn't say those things either, but it's obviously implied. It's a slippery slope, chica.

 

Seriously - get a grip, this thread has nothing to do with my dating life.

 

I don't need to get a grip. You just need to bring yourself back to reality for a second. This thread has EVERYTHING to do with your dating life, and the manner in which you've fully invested and rushed head first into an instant relationship with a guy you barely know. Others have said the same exact thing I am: you're rushing this. Now, you're attempting to justify your decisions in that regard via this thread. OWN IT, for once. C'mon...I dare you.

 

It'll be a sad day when I tell you again, "I told you so." But whatevs.

[BCCA]

You said that you'd voluntarily cancel on friends/rearrange your plans for him, and BCCA said he'd voluntarily cancel as well - without being asked.

 

Obviously, when a new person (BF/GF) enters your life, there's going to be less time for other things and other people, as here's only so much time in the day.

 

This is why your posts are hard to make sense of, they are riddled with inconsistencies.

 

I said you might decide that spending one (1) night with a gf instead of your guy friends is what you want to do with your night, and somehow, youre taking that to mean that you should completely blow off all your friends whenever a girl asks me to, which is not anything remotely close to what anyone said.

 

And if you voluntarily make having dinner (at a steakhouse that will still be there tomorrow!) with your boyfriend a priority over a ritual with your BEST FRIEND, then I'd question your priorities. For you, it's clear. Your relationship is your whole life. It's not mine.

 

Seriously, where are you getting any of this? I said nothing of the sort. I said instead of watching the 3234523 game with the same buddy, I might say 'Id rather see my gf' ONE NIGHT, and you are again twisting things around and making it seem like Im saying 'when you meet a girl, blow off all your friends forever, because a relationship is your life'

 

I just dont even see where youre getting this stuff from.

 

"Making time" for a boyfriend is one thing. Canceling on friends is another. If you want to make time for your boyfriend, don't make plans with your friends to begin with.

 

Plans change, people understand. Its one night, its not that serious.

 

I only suggest that "being true to who you are" and following your needs and wants include having a life outside your relationship, and not validating yourself with a man.

 

WHO SAID TO VALIDATE YOURSELF WITH ANOTHER PERSON???? WHO???

[dreamergrl]

How is it off-topic? You started the thread, and there's a reason behind the position you're taking. That bias is certainly relevant to the subject matter. Pretend it isn't all you like, but we know it's not.

 

Whatever validates you to bring off topic matters into the thread. Just because I started a thread, doesn't mean it has to do with my dating life. People post discussion threads quite often. And who's 'we'? Are you now speaking for everyone else?

 

Who said he ASKED me to make an exception? You said that you'd voluntarily cancel on friends/rearrange your plans for him, and BCCA said he'd voluntarily cancel as well - without being asked. THAT is what I'm saying isn't a good thing. However, if my BF asked me to do something for him, of course I'd consider it.

 

It's hypothetical. And you just got done saying you'd lose respect for him if he'd cancel on his friends, but it's okay for you to consider it?

 

And if you voluntarily make having dinner (at a steakhouse that will still be there tomorrow!) with your boyfriend a priority over a ritual with your BEST FRIEND, then I'd question your priorities. For you, it's clear. Your relationship is your whole life. It's not mine.

 

So will be getting my feet done. Perhaps our schedules aren't working as well - my schedule changes all the time - for work, and with friends, because my friend's work schedules are like mine.

 

For someone who's R isn't their whole life, you still yet spend your time wanting to be with him. I like my alone time, and need it, and when I get it, I don't have the urge to be with my man (if I have one).

 

 

 

 

 

Obviously, when a new person (BF/GF) enters your life, there's going to be less time for other things and other people, as here's only so much time in the day. You have to balance things out.

 

"Making time" for a boyfriend is one thing. Canceling on friends is another. If you want to make time for your boyfriend, don't make plans with your friends to begin with.

 

My roommate, also my friend, and I have had plans, but he's got his gf, and I know they like to spend time together, so if we rearrange hang out time, it's fine with me. Or we'll combine our plans and make it work. It's called compromise, and it's important in day to day relationships.

 

 

 

Not true. Even when we were dating, I maintained my dinner plans with friends, and the like. That really hasn't changed.

 

But while you have your dinner plans, you're wishing to be with your bf. When I am with my friends, I'm content with that, not wanting to be else where.

[caramel c]

I'm curious..

 

1 - Who uses 'the rules' when dating?

2 - Who thinks 'the rules' involves game playing?

3 - Do you think that with the right person, you'd need to play games (ex: making them think you're busy, when you're not, so they chase you more)

 

1 - What I do, is use my intuition while keeping in mind the standards and boundaries I have, and enjoy myself. It's kind of a personal thing I guess.

 

For example, I wouldn't agree to a first date at the last minute because not a day goes by where I am not planning on doing something, even if it's just housework, after work. I don't have a set schedule every day for the following week but by the time that day starts, I have an idea of what I'd like to do or what needs to be done, or what I have already planned to do with somebody.

 

2 - Having rules in dating just for the sake of following rules are a little silly. However, If you can back up with reasons why you do or don't partake in a particular activity or behavior, then that's great. It either does or doesn't work for you, and you know it.

 

3 - No, I think it's more of a personal thing that has to do with only me and does not change depending on who I'm dating. Certain people I may date might enlighten me along the way, and in that case I'd adjust myself accordingly. It just all depends.

[dreamergrl]

I didn't say those things either, but it's obviously implied. It's a slippery slope, chica.

 

You implied it and you know it. You do that often. You've made so many references to my dating life in this thread - that has nothing to do with my dating life. Some people are capable of having a discussion about things without it being centered around themselves.

 

 

 

I don't need to get a grip. You just need to bring yourself back to reality for a second. This thread has EVERYTHING to do with your dating life, and the manner in which you've fully invested and rushed head first into an instant relationship with a guy you barely know. Others have said the same exact thing I am: you're rushing this. Now, you're attempting to justify your decisions in that regard via this thread. OWN IT, for once. C'mon...I dare you.

 

It'll be a sad day when I tell you again, "I told you so." But whatevs.

 

I'm not owning anything. I was having a talk with someone about rules and what not, other posts, and so I wanted to see who all uses the rules.

 

I hate to break it to you SG, but you're not right about everything.

 

And yeah, other people voiced their opinions... IN THAT THREAD. Opinions from both sides, all of which I took into consideration. All of which I read. All of which I'm making my own conclusions from. I'm not going to not do something though, just because SG says so.

 

If you have anything more to say about my dating life, go to my thread about it and say it, and please leave this bickering out of a thread for general discussion.