Kamille Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 It's not about playing hard to get, or making them think you're busy. Rather, it's about actually being busy, and hard to get. It's about having such a full life, that you simply can't spend 24/7 with someone you just met, because you have other things and other priorities beyond simply finding a boyfriend. In essence, those who throw caution to the wind, and don't pay attention to traditional courtship patterns (to use your term, "the rules"), are simply looking to find someone to make themselves feel whole, or as K said, to fill a void in their life. The right guy adds to my life - he doesn't become my life. I don't spend 24/7 with someone I just met, nor do I concern myself with impressing him so early. Rather, like any meaningful relationship, I take my time to really, truly get to know him at his core. Was writing my last post while SG was writing this. Yes, it's exactly what I mean. Like I said, I know couples who knew within days that they were meant for each other, but I think the difference between my experience and theirs is that they already had a full life, were balanced, and weren't anxious to fall in love. Me? I worry a lot and tend to be insecure. I over-analyze. In the past, this is what would prompt me to rush. Rushing gave me a false sense of security. Now I try to take things slow and stay balanced so that my sense of security comes from within myself.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 K - please, I'm not falling into old habbits. I'm taking things one day at a time, and enjoying it. Since I've moved I've been extremely happy with my life with or without a man. If I wasn't trying to fill a void, I'd have settled for one of the casual dates I've had. Now please, I want a good discussion, not to focus on me.
Star Gazer Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I'm not going to say no just for the sake of it. I've seen several posters promote this method and personally I think it's a sad one. I can honestly say I've never seen that advocated here. Really. If I have plans already, then I'll most likely decline. It's as simple as that. If it's something I want to do, and I can rearrange a few things, then I will. How are these different? They're not. You wouldn't have had plans to begin with, if those plans weren't something you wanted to do. In essence, you're acknowledging that you'd cancel on something you wanted to do, in order to spend time with a guy. It's that sort of priority that causes problems down the road, IMO. If a person truly wants to be with you, they will respect that you are achieving happiness for yourself. Not sure how this is relevant to courtship patterns or "the rules," but this is true.
Star Gazer Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I recall a guy who told me he wanted to spend more time together, so I complied. Then he felt crowded, even though he was the one who contacted me. Hello? It's almost predictable now though, right? That's what happens when guys start off blowing as hot as a torch.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 I can honestly say I've never seen that advocated here. Really. I have, and I can't remember which thread of mine it was in, but it was. How are these different? They're not. You wouldn't have had plans to begin with, if those plans weren't something you wanted to do. Well I can rearrange my work schedule to say yes to something I was invited to. If I had plans with another friend, I could try and make it all work together, see if the plans can be combined. If not, then I will decline. In essence, you're acknowledging that you'd cancel on something you wanted to do, in order to spend time with a guy. It's that sort of priority that causes problems down the road, IMO. Um no that is not at all what I said. I said that if I got invited to something that I WANTED TO DO I would see if I could rearrange my schedule. There are things that come up that I've been wanting to do for quite some time. If it was something I've been looking forward to for a long time, and I got an invite from a guy, I'd go with the plans I've been looking forward too. Not sure how this is relevant to courtship patterns or "the rules," but this is true. It's very relevant, because so many people will work around what really makes them happy to abide by 'the rules'.
Star Gazer Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Like I said, I know couples who knew within days that they were meant for each other, but I think the difference between my experience and theirs is that they already had a full life, were balanced, and weren't anxious to fall in love. Very true. Me? I worry a lot and tend to be insecure. I over-analyze. In the past, this is what would prompt me to rush. Rushing gave me a false sense of security. Now I try to take things slow and stay balanced so that my sense of security comes from within myself. Ya know, I was the same way about 2 years ago or so. I over-analyzed everything, defended my/the guy's actions, and rushed in, head first, to obtain some semblance of a relationship so that I could feel secure within myself. Not anymore. Even as quickly as BF and I moved along, I always felt secure because by then I had created a full life for myself, and wasn't anxious and "looking for a boyfriend."
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I can honestly say I've never seen that advocated here. Really. I have, many, many times. The entire purpose of the rules, if you read them as stated, is to ignore calls and pretend to be busy when youre not, just to make a guy more interested. I think we can agree this is both ridiculous and counter productive. How are these different? They're not. You wouldn't have had plans to begin with, if those plans weren't something you wanted to do. Yeah, they are. If I had plans to watch a baseball game with my buddy, and a girl I was dating wanted to get dinner instead, I might very well rather go to dinner, and catch up with my buddy another time. This isnt cancelling something I wanted to do for a woman, its doing what I would RATHER do with my free time. It's that sort of priority that causes problems down the road, IMO. So does being totally selfish and only worrying about what you want, IMO.
Leia Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Ya know, I was the same way about 2 years ago or so. I over-analyzed everything, defended my/the guy's actions, and rushed in, head first, to obtain some semblance of a relationship so that I could feel secure within myself. I hated that part in me years ago. I know I was over-analyzing and yet, I didn't stop! So glad I did, finally!
Star Gazer Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 If I had plans to watch a baseball game with my buddy, and a girl I was dating wanted to get dinner instead, I might very well rather go to dinner, and catch up with my buddy another time. This isnt cancelling something I wanted to do for a woman, its doing what I would RATHER do with my free time. I'd lose respect for my BF if he did that.
ReturnToSender Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I have two rules books...moreso out of curiosity and interest when I felt like I just wasnt having any luck on my own. But they were little more than interesting reading. Some of the things they write about is common sense...like having respect for yourself, not putting up with bad behaviour and lying, not losing yourself in a relationship and dropping your whole life for someone. Other things like not calling for x amount of days, the stuff abotu gift giving and getting, etc...too many games and a hint of gold diggerish for me. I figure, if you have to play games to get someone, you didnt really get them, they are not really with the real you. No one can keep up a charade forever..and once you are yourself, they wont be attracted. You got them on a ruse.
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I'd lose respect for my BF if he did that. You would lose respect for a guy who would rather see you than spend yet another night watching a game with the same buddy hes probably been watching games with for a decade? That makes no sense at all.
carhill Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 That makes no sense at all. Frame that one. Definitive.
Trialbyfire Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 If I had plans to watch a baseball game with my buddy, and a girl I was dating wanted to get dinner instead, I might very well rather go to dinner, and catch up with my buddy another time. This isnt cancelling something I wanted to do for a woman, its doing what I would RATHER do with my free time.Straight up BCCA, I would be totally impressed with a man who wants to do this, rather than doing it for me. It says to me that he enjoys our time together and prioritizes me.
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Straight up BCCA, I would be totally impressed with a man who wants to do this, rather than doing it for me. It says to me that he enjoys our time together and prioritizes me. Thanks TBF, I was hoping for a response like that! I love my friends, dont get me wrong, but I have a buddy Ive been watching games with since about 1993. Its great and all, but if I met a special lady, Id probably want to watch a few less games and spend a few more nights with her. But according to SG, thats something that would cause women to lose respect. God forbid you try and make time for someone you like in your life.
northstar1 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Thanks TBF, I was hoping for a response like that! I love my friends, dont get me wrong, but I have a buddy Ive been watching games with since about 1993. Its great and all, but if I met a special lady, Id probably want to watch a few less games and spend a few more nights with her. But according to SG, thats something that would cause women to lose respect. God forbid you try and make time for someone you like in your life. I agree totally. I wouldn't make a habit of bailing on friends, but you make a good point. If your friend is a good one, he'll understand.
kizik Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 SG is just saying your testicles are weak if you ditch a guy for a girl.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 I'd lose respect for my BF if he did that. You would lose respect for a guy who would rather see you than spend yet another night watching a game with the same buddy hes probably been watching games with for a decade? That makes no sense at all. Straight up BCCA, I would be totally impressed with a man who wants to do this, rather than doing it for me. It says to me that he enjoys our time together and prioritizes me. Exactly. If he's doing it because it's what he wants to do, and it's what makes him happy - why would you lose respect? Further more, again - if he's doing it because he wants to - it clearly shows you're important to him. If a guy did this just because he was asked, and it wasn't really what he wanted, then I'd lose respect. But I wouldn't be with a guy like that anyways. I have two rules books...moreso out of curiosity and interest when I felt like I just wasnt having any luck on my own. But they were little more than interesting reading. Some of the things they write about is common sense...like having respect for yourself, not putting up with bad behaviour and lying, not losing yourself in a relationship and dropping your whole life for someone. Obviously, no one should put up with bad behavior. That's a given, and a sign of respect for yourself - not so much a rule. Other things like not calling for x amount of days, the stuff abotu gift giving and getting, etc...too many games and a hint of gold diggerish for me. I figure, if you have to play games to get someone, you didnt really get them, they are not really with the real you. No one can keep up a charade forever..and once you are yourself, they wont be attracted. You got them on a ruse. Right - by playing these games, you're only pretending to be someone you are not. And in the end you'll lose them anyways because you're putting on a false sense of who you are.
Trialbyfire Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Thanks TBF, I was hoping for a response like that! I love my friends, dont get me wrong, but I have a buddy Ive been watching games with since about 1993. Its great and all, but if I met a special lady, Id probably want to watch a few less games and spend a few more nights with her. But according to SG, thats something that would cause women to lose respect. God forbid you try and make time for someone you like in your life.As long as you still had a life and continued connecting with your friends, it's all good!
Rebellious Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I have, many, many times. The entire purpose of the rules, if you read them as stated, is to ignore calls and pretend to be busy when youre not, just to make a guy more interested. I think we can agree this is both ridiculous and counter productive. (snip) ..... Does that really work for anyone here? I'd call 1-2 times and blow her off if she didn't respond. Not returning calls is rude antisocial behavior, it does NOT make me more interested.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Thanks TBF, I was hoping for a response like that! I love my friends, dont get me wrong, but I have a buddy Ive been watching games with since about 1993. Its great and all, but if I met a special lady, Id probably want to watch a few less games and spend a few more nights with her. But according to SG, thats something that would cause women to lose respect. God forbid you try and make time for someone you like in your life. Very true. And with the right person, you could be doing both - seeing an event, or doing something you enjoy with your SO. Or you could make it so EVERYONE could hang out. Who's to say the friend and the SO can't all enjoy a night together?
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 SG is just saying your testicles are weak if you ditch a guy for a girl. I never said anything remotely close to that, I simply said that someone could decide that whatever lose plans they had arent as appealing as seeing the person they are dating, which is fine. I think SG is saying you should avoid going anyway, just to play a stupid game of 'Im so busy'.
Author dreamergrl Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 There's a line between bending over for someone on a regular basis, and choosing to equal out your time for your friends and SO.
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Does that really work for anyone here? I'd call 1-2 times and blow her off if she didn't respond. Not returning calls is rude antisocial behavior, it does NOT make me more interested. You would be surprised. I JUST had a female friend tell me that she didnt think this guy was really interested because he called once, left a message and she didnt return it, but then he never called again. It never once occured to her that he probably didnt think you were interested because you didnt return his call. When I told her she looked stunned.
Star Gazer Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 As long as you still had a life and continued connecting with your friends, it's all good! Exactly! But how does a guy/girl manage to still have a life, if he/she drops whatever he/she's doing to be with his/her GF/BF just because she/he is available and wants to do something? I'd always rather be with my BF, but if I were to cancel on everything else that I have going on in my life simply because I'd rather be with him...well, that wouldn't allow me to have a life beyond him, now would it?
Trialbyfire Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 There's a line between bending over for someone on a regular basis, and choosing to equal out your time for your friends and SO.Bending over can be fun!
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