Who uses the rules?

[dreamergrl]

I'm curious..

 

1 - Who uses 'the rules' when dating?

2 - Who thinks 'the rules' involves game playing?

3 - Do you think that with the right person, you'd need to play games (ex: making them think you're busy, when you're not, so they chase you more)

[northstar1]

I'm curious..

 

1 - Who uses 'the rules' when dating?

 

Insecure people who cannot think for themselves.

 

 

2 - Who thinks 'the rules' involves game playing?

 

Ofcourse it does

 

3 - Do you think that with the right person, you'd need to play games (ex: making them think you're busy, when you're not, so they chase you more)

 

No, it comes naturally.

 

 

 

 

See above..............

[Hkizzle]

1) Insecure people that will piss off decent guys, and end up with a jerk that needs to be controlled with game playing.

 

2) Yes

 

3) With the TWO right people then no. A girl after a jerk, or a bitch that is insecure will resort to the rules.

 

Both authors of the rules are now divorced. Ironically one of them divorced right before The rules for marriage came out.

[MissJoness]

I'm curious..

 

1 - Who uses 'the rules' when dating?

2 - Who thinks 'the rules' involves game playing?

3 - Do you think that with the right person, you'd need to play games (ex: making them think you're busy, when you're not, so they chase you more)

 

Those rules don't work. It can't make anybody like you or want to date you. And when a guy is into you, you won't need to make him chase you at all. Even if your life is boring and uneventful, he won't care if he is really into you

[BCCA]

Those rules don't work. It can't make anybody like you or want to date you. And when a guy is into you, you won't need to make him chase you at all. Even if your life is boring and uneventful, he won't care if he is really into you

 

Agreed.

 

Using the rules is the quickest and easiest way to lose a decent guy. If I got the impression someone was using that on me, I would be annoyed and out so fast. Those are terrible, and SO counterproductive.

[Leia]

I'm curious..

 

1 - Who uses 'the rules' when dating?

2 - Who thinks 'the rules' involves game playing?

3 - Do you think that with the right person, you'd need to play games (ex: making them think you're busy, when you're not, so they chase you more)

 

1. People who think they are cool.

2. I don't believe in rules... they are meant to be broken.

3. I do whatever I feel comfortable with but will take my time in getting involved with someone. That said, I don't think I am playing any game.

[loveslife]

I use "Joy of Cooking." It's a classic and it works every time!

 

In all seriousness, in my serious relationships I was always just myself. I notice that in the relationships that don't get serious or make me anxious it's always some form of me not being able to be myself.

 

IN hindsight, I can see that when I was worried in a relationship it was never a good relationship for me.

 

I can also say in hindsight that had I been able to emotionally distance myself enough from what turned out to be alarm bells going off inside me (didn't recognize it as such at the time) I probably could have gotten those Bozos by playing games.

 

The truth, for me, is I suck at playing games and am a really crappy "dating game" player over all. The guys I have done the best with are the one I have a natural rapport with and don't second guess myself with.

 

A while back I was in a relationship with someone I thought was a great guy. He was everything I felt I should have gone for all these years. But, I was always anxious and insecure. I blamed myself saying it was my issues. I wanted to figure out how to be the type of person I thought I needed to be... on and on.

 

A good friend of mine said, it doesn't matter why you feel anxious all the time, all that matters is that's how you feel in the relationship. I poo-poo'd her wise words, thinking I had it all figured out. But turned out she was right. As soon as him and I broke up the anxiety went away. Even though I missed him I felt like myself again.

[dreamergrl]

All great responses. So why do you guys think so many people on LS promote rules, stipulations, say who should chase who?

[carhill]

We're analyzing the dynamics and opining on what works. That's different from creating a hard and fast rule. Witness how many times I change my mind, just in your threads

[loveslife]

I keep saying it can take a really long time to really know someone. Playing games just makes that take longer and keeps a person from finding someone they can actually be themselves with and who can be themself with you. And really that, in my opinion, is the best we can hope for in this crazy mixed up world.

[MissJoness]

Don't know. But making someone chase surely doesn't work unless they are madly in love w/ you already

 

If you play like you are busy all the time, the guy/girl will think that you are just brushing them off.

[loveslife]

All great responses. So why do you guys think so many people on LS promote rules, stipulations, say who should chase who?

 

Not everyone. And we each should only take what works for us anyway.

[Kamille]

Hi dreamer, read up on your great dates! happy you're having fun.

 

 

1 - Who uses 'the rules' when dating?

I don't use "the rules" per se, but I do make sure I don't lose my balance. I've been in a few "quick-start" relationships. I find that when I rush into a relationship, problems usually appear later, once my life centers around whoever I'm with and are therefore harder to solve.

 

2 - Who thinks 'the rules' involves game playing?

hmmm.... no. I don't approve of game playing. I try to always be genuine and do what feels right to me, for me.

 

3 - Do you think that with the right person, you'd need to play games (ex: making them think you're busy, when you're not, so they chase you more)

 

I'm not into making my date think I'm busy, but I am into having a life of my own. So, it's not that I try to make them think I'm busy, I am busy. This is how I stay balanced.

 

I've stopped looking to my dates to fill a void in my life. Special guys add to it. This means that usually it takes a bit of time before I accept to make a guy my priority and let my life revolve around him. Enough time so that I spend everyday with them. Well, the time I need to ascertain wether or not they are right for me.

 

So to answer your last question, why do people on LS advocate rules? I think it's a way to say that it's important to keep one's balance at the beginning of a relationship, in order to let it grow.

[Rebellious]

Game-playing & ”rules” vary between countries/cultures. In the US, most girls I’ve come across play games/“rules” but never admit to it, so don’t expect any honest confessions here.

[BCCA]

So to answer your last question, why do people on LS advocate rules? I think it's a way to say that it's important to keep one's balance at the beginning of a relationship, in order to let it grow.

 

I respect your answer, and believe it applies to you, but I completely disagree that this is the reason most people advocate it.

 

It seems somehow, a lot of women have gotten the idea that pretending to be too busy or blowing a guy off, making him wait months for sex, and generally acting selfish and immature is the way to keep him hooked.

 

What they dont realize is that the ONLY guys this works on are douchebags who are just in it for the challenge, and when said challenge eventually goes away, so too will the guy.

 

I think 'the rules' come from a fear of being burned, but the problem is that you get what you put out there. If you go around acting as though every guy is a jerk looking to screw you over, guess what youre going to find?

[Star Gazer]

Kamille says it just right. It's not about playing hard to get, or making them think you're busy. Rather, it's about actually being busy, and hard to get. It's about having such a full life, that you simply can't spend 24/7 with someone you just met, because you have other things and other priorities beyond simply finding a boyfriend.

 

In essence, those who throw caution to the wind, and don't pay attention to traditional courtship patterns (to use your term, "the rules"), are simply looking to find someone to make themselves feel whole, or as K said, to fill a void in their life. The right guy adds to my life - he doesn't become my life. I don't spend 24/7 with someone I just met, nor do I concern myself with impressing him so early.

 

Rather, like any meaningful relationship, I take my time to really, truly get to know him at his core. Before I know that he is "worth it," I will not make him a priority (e.g., spend 3 straight days with him and make him dinner on date 3 or otherwise chase him).

 

So yeah, the reason why wise people advocate traditional courtship patterns is to keep balance and independence, and really allow yourself to get to know the person at their core before investing.

 

But you're all in already, so I'm not sure it really matters why we think this way.

[Trialbyfire]

What I've noticed on LS, is that it's the younger guys that advocate the rules, since they haven't had the dating experience.

 

Myself, nope. The only rule I've always used, is that I won't chase a man. If he's interested, he'll come knocking. If he's not, that's cool too. If he's afraid to come knocking, then he's of no interest to me.

[dreamergrl]

I'd appreciate leaving my thread out of this conversation. I simply asked a question - I'm not speaking about me specifically. I'm just seeing who uses this approach and why. Thanks. Nor is this thread about making assumptions of my dating life.

[loveslife]

Sometimes it's hard to not invest early on. For me, I've found this most true when my life has not been full with things that define me in a strong sense of self manner.

 

I also think a lot of times players and sociopaths can pull a girl in really quickly when the girl has gone through bad relationships. It's because the girl is just so relieved that someone is treating her well.

 

Women sometimes focus on how much the guy likes the woman instead of really thinking about how compatible he might be.

 

Chemistry can be faked, so can just about anything. And even if a guy is not a sociopath or a player he is likely going to be on his best behavior at the beginning. Just like the woman.

 

My feeling is The Rules are mostly used when a woman feels something is missing and wants to try and force that.

[loveslife]

Sometimes it's hard to not invest early on. For me, I've found this most true when my life has not been full with things that define me in a strong sense of self manner.

 

I also think a lot of times players and sociopaths can pull a girl in really quickly when the girl has gone through bad relationships. It's because the girl is just so relieved that someone is treating her well.

 

Women sometimes focus on how much the guy likes the woman instead of really thinking about how compatible he might be.

 

Chemistry can be faked, so can just about anything. And even if a guy is not a sociopath or a player he is likely going to be on his best behavior at the beginning. Just like the woman.

 

My feeling is The Rules are mostly used when a woman feels something is missing and wants to try and force that.

 

Haha the point to all this was that when a woman feels something is missing and wants to try and force that The Rules might be thought of as a Cliffnotes version of dating. It's a false sense of getting what you want. When really any result ends up being false.

 

Okay, I'm going to stop trying to think now.

[Kamille]

I respect your answer, and believe it applies to you, but I completely disagree that this is the reason most people advocate it.

 

It seems somehow, a lot of women have gotten the idea that pretending to be too busy or blowing a guy off, making him wait months for sex, and generally acting selfish and immature is the way to keep him hooked.

 

What they dont realize is that the ONLY guys this works on are douchebags who are just in it for the challenge, and when said challenge eventually goes away, so too will the guy.

 

I think 'the rules' come from a fear of being burned, but the problem is that you get what you put out there. If you go around acting as though every guy is a jerk looking to screw you over, guess what youre going to find?

 

I agree with you that playing games mean you'll attract game players.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that paying a notch of attention to the rules has helped my identify why there were patterns in my own dating life. I would meet someone, we would be crazy about each other for a week, a month, three months, we would talk marriage, kids, even move in together and then the whole relationship would just implode on itself as incompabilities emerged. And I can't help but feel that had I taken things slower, my exes and I would have at least established a better pattern of communication, and the issues wouldn't have appeared as insurmontable as they did once we were so involved in each other's lives.

 

The reason why I rushed? One, because I am surrounded by couples who knew within a week of meeting each other that they were made for each other (my best friend and my parents being some of those couples). Yet, one of my problems was that I was looking for someone to "complete" me and feel a void, so that, really, I wasn't staying balanced, keeping the relationship in perspective, making sure that it was a healthy one. So yeah, in my case, I needed to work on changing how I approached relationship. I would say that insecurity was at the core of the reason why I rushed into relationships.

 

I'm posting this in the hopes that Dreamer isn't looking for this new relationship to complete her. I see a red flag in the "pretending to be busy" phrase. I don't agree with pretending to be busy: but I think it's important to be busy, to not lose oneself in the thrill of a new relationship. Rather to make sure there is enough in her life so that she isn't completely subsumed by it.

[BCCA]

Haha the point to all this was that when a woman feels something is missing and wants to try and force that The Rules might be thought of as a Cliffnotes version of dating. It's a false sense of getting what you want. When really any result ends up being false.

 

Okay, I'm going to stop trying to think now.

 

Agreed. Anything you have to force or manipulate someone into just isnt going to work.

[dreamergrl]

I can understand being busy. But I can also understand being happy and comfortable just relaxing at home. If a guy is going to ask me to do something, and I have no plans, and I want to go - I'm going to go. I'm not going to say no just for the sake of it. I've seen several posters promote this method and personally I think it's a sad one.

 

If I have plans already, then I'll most likely decline. It's as simple as that.

 

If it's something I want to do, and I can rearrange a few things, then I will.

 

I think people should do more what makes them happy (as long as they are not hurting another), and spend less time worrying about the outcome. If a person truly wants to be with you, they will respect that you are achieving happiness for yourself.

[BCCA]

I agree with you that playing games mean you'll attract game players.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that paying a notch of attention to the rules has helped my identify why there were patterns in my own dating life. I would meet someone, we would be crazy about each other for a week, a month, three months, we would talk marriage, kids, even move in together and then the whole relationship would just implode on itself as incompabilities emerged. And I can't help but feel that had I taken things slower, my exes and I would have at least established a better pattern of communication, and the issues wouldn't have appeared as insurmontable as they did once we were so involved in each other's lives.

 

The reason why I rushed? One, because I am surrounded by couples who knew within a week of meeting each other that they were made for each other (my best friend and my parents being some of those couples). Yet, one of my problems was that I was looking for someone to "complete" me and feel a void, so that, really, I wasn't staying balanced, keeping the relationship in perspective, making sure that it was a healthy one. So yeah, in my case, I needed to work on changing how I approached relationship. I would say that insecurity was at the core of the reason why I rushed into relationships.

 

I'm posting this in the hopes that Dreamer isn't looking for this new relationship to complete her. I see a red flag in the "pretending to be busy" phrase. I don't agree with pretending to be busy: but I think it's important to be busy, to not lose oneself in the thrill of a new relationship. Rather to make sure there is enough in her life so that she isn't completely subsumed by it.

 

I like, respect, and agree with that. Well put, especially the part about all the other couples. Im the last of the single people amongst my friends, and it does cloud your judgement a bit.

 

Making yourself have a life and be active, and pretending you are just to get a reaction, are very different things, though. Thats my only issue with the rules, they seem to promote pretending to be something youre not, instead of following your (good) advice of actually making your life about you, and finding someone to join the party

[Trialbyfire]

Do what feels right for you but try not to lose yourself.

 

I recall a guy who told me he wanted to spend more time together, so I complied. Then he felt crowded, even though he was the one who contacted me. Hello?