jessica5366 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I was in a long term relationship for about a year and a half and lived with the person for the majority of that time... moved in with him after dating for 5 months. I was very "in-love" and things moved quickly. The relationship ended for a number of reasons but most severe was that I was being verbally abused and he was very narcissistic. I was living in a world of stress everyday for months. Yes, there were a lot of great times, but it was not healthy. I moved out 3 months ago. I met someone very interesting right after I moved out. I waited a month to go out with him and then we went on a number of dates and now are seeing each other regularly. I like him a lot and have a lot of fun with him, but he wants a relationship and I dont feel ready. I dont even know if my judgement is good after all that happened in my last relationship. I feel like I am hypersensitive to every action or comment men make now when I meet them as if I am looking for red flags constantly! How do I slow things down? Any advice?
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I think its perfectly fine to take some time to digest everything thats happened, reset yourself, and heal before starting another relationship. I know you just meet people sometimes, but I have a feeling if you explain it right, he'll totally understand. What you need to do is just say to him that you like him, enjoy getting to know him, and dont intend on dating other people besides him, but would like to move slowly for a while so you can make sure youre making the right moves. Just make sure he knows that A) you still want to see him, B) youre not dating other people, but C) you cant just into another relationship with him right away, because its not good for either of you. He should understand, so long as you dont say anything that sounds like a cheesy 'blow off'. The way you explained it here makes perfect sense. Guys arent complicated, just be honest and straightforward, and you should be just fine. And if he doesnt understand, I guess it wasnt meant to be. The important thing is that YOU feel comfortable with it.
Author jessica5366 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Thank you . That helps, but what if I dont know if I want to be exclusively with this person? To me that sounds like a relationship... no?
loveslife Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Talk to this new guy. But please don't rush into anything. I think people forget sometimes that it can take a long time to really know someone. Your last boyfriend sounds like a typical abuser. They get you invested really quickly with a whirlwind romance and then their true selves come out. It leaves the victim confused and longing for the way things used to be. And the victim of abuse often blames herself or feels like she needs to try and find a way to measure up. The thing that also happens is abuse victims lose their sense of self. It's from all that doubting and confusion. Because if you were strong in your sense of self the guy would have to prove himself worthy of you, not the other way around. If you feel that you're not ready for a relationship with this guy, stand firm in that decision. It seems that this relationship did happen very fast. You've been out of an abusive relationship for three months. This is a time to figure out yourself, become strong in yourself. Explain this to the new guy. If he's a decent guy he'll understand. Otherwise, it might just be that you dodged a bullet.
bluewolf17 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Can't you just continue to go on dates with him and have fun? It seems like a lot of people think that after x amount of dates, you have to decide if your "together" or not. Why not just keep dating? BCCA has a point. As long as he knows you like him, aren't blowing him off, and aren't seeing other people, he hopefully should understand, but it's completly within his right if he would rather find someone who knows that they want.
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Thank you . That helps, but what if I dont know if I want to be exclusively with this person? To me that sounds like a relationship... no? Ok, well be fair here. If he wants something that you dont, you should understand that he might have to walk. You cant just have him 'there' without any indication from you about where this is all going. You wouldnt want to be in that situation, either. If he's a decent guy he'll understand. Otherwise, it might just be that you dodged a bullet. Thats harsh. The guy has needs/wants, too. If they dont match, then they dont match, but that doesnt make him a cancer or a bad guy. As long as he knows you like him, aren't blowing him off, and aren't seeing other people, he hopefully should understand, but it's completly within his right if he would rather find someone who knows that they want. Indeed. But if the OP just doesnt want to commit, he is well within his rights to walk away. I get the feeling she wants him there, but doesnt want to commit anything to him, which is sort of unfair.
bluewolf17 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Indeed. But if the OP just doesnt want to commit, he is well within his rights to walk away. I get the feeling she wants him there, but doesnt want to commit anything to him, which is sort of unfair. I agree. Just talk to the guy!
loveslife Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Thats harsh. The guy has needs/wants, too. If they dont match, then they dont match, but that doesnt make him a cancer or a bad guy. I agree. Maybe I was caught up in the idea of her last relationship. He might very well understand that she's hurt but have needs she can't meet. Let me ask people this. What do you think about the fact that he knew she had just come out of an abusive longterm relationship and yet wanted to cozy up to her right away. Do you think that a healthy person would really want to get involved with someone fresh out of a longterm abusive relationship? If he had posted here - hey, she's sweet but just broke up with this guy last week... what would you have said? It seems like a man who wants a healthy longterm relationship wouldn't be in this guy's place. He would have instead encouraged her to get help sorting out why she got involved with the other guy to begin with, or maybe just not cozied up to her in the first place. Not judging, just questioning. Thoughts?
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 What do you think about the fact that he knew she had just come out of an abusive longterm relationship and yet wanted to cozy up to her right away. It takes two to tango. She must have given him enough of an impression that she was interested, or he wouldnt be there. Some people dont need as long to get over things. Do you think that a healthy person would really want to get involved with someone fresh out of a longterm abusive relationship? If he had posted here - hey, she's sweet but just broke up with this guy last week... what would you have said? Id tell him to try and take it slow, but to make sure he wasnt being used. I mean, he shouldnt be expected to just be there indefinitely without any direction. He should ask for what he wants from her, and if she cant meet his expectations, they arent a match. He would have instead encouraged her to get help sorting out why she got involved with the other guy to begin with, or maybe just not cozied up to her in the first place. Its not 100% his fault, she had a role in this, too. She could have told him right off the bat she wasnt trying to get serious. If she would have said that, he wouldnt have cozied up to her. Like I said, it takes two to tango, he wouldnt be there if she didnt let him be there, you know? No one is wrong here, I just see conflicting wants/needs.
loveslife Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Its not 100% his fault, she had a role in this, too. She could have told him right off the bat she wasnt trying to get serious. If she would have said that, he wouldnt have cozied up to her. Like I said, it takes two to tango, he wouldnt be there if she didnt let him be there, you know? No one is wrong here, I just see conflicting wants/needs. Agreed. It is always two people in a relationship and both have a part in things.
Author jessica5366 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 This is all so useful! I did tell him that I was just out of a relationship, but I think I neglected to explain the extent of how serious it was and how recent it was. I am going to sit down with him and explain that and what ever happens, happens. I cant lie to the guy and pretend that I am ready for something no matter how cool and great he has been with me. I honestly think that if he knew how recent and hard it was for me, he wouldnt have persued me, but at this point all I can do is tell him more of the truth. Good plan?
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 This is all so useful! I did tell him that I was just out of a relationship, but I think I neglected to explain the extent of how serious it was and how recent it was. I am going to sit down with him and explain that and what ever happens, happens. I cant lie to the guy and pretend that I am ready for something no matter how cool and great he has been with me. I honestly think that if he knew how recent and hard it was for me, he wouldnt have persued me, but at this point all I can do is tell him more of the truth. Good plan? Thats the best thing for everyone. Truth be told, he probably didnt know right away he was interested in being serious, either. It just kind of happens. But not many people want to be involved in a situation where 'whatever happens, happens', simply because that offers no security and hes probably wasting his time if he wants more than a casual hang out relationship. One thing I learned is that although I just got out of a relationship, the other person doesnt have to understand or accept what I had to offer. I wouldnt. If I wanted to be serious with someone, and they just wanted to see what happened, I have to think 90% of people would be out. Just be honest, its always the best idea
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Please dont take offense to this, but as a guy who has had this happen to him before, can I take a guess here? Youre lonely and kind of want company, but this guy isnt what you consider long term dating material. You kind of know he likes you more than you like him, and you kind of know youre just wasting his time if hes looking for a girlfriend. Is that about right? If not, tell me Im dead wrong, but if any of it rings true, let me know and Ill tell you how it feels from the other side
Author jessica5366 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 I probably should have waited for that first date in the first place! ha! I am going to tell him the following: I am not ready for a commited relationship at this time. I enjoy the time we spend together and feel that we are getting close, but I am nervous about starting something new without having had time alone after the last relationship I was in. I would like to continue seeing you, but out of fairness if you do not want this, I understand. I will let you know how it turns out....
Author jessica5366 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Please dont take offense to this, but as a guy who has had this happen to him before, can I take a guess here? Youre lonely and kind of want company, but this guy isnt what you consider long term dating material. You kind of know he likes you more than you like him, and you kind of know youre just wasting his time if hes looking for a girlfriend. Is that about right? If not, tell me Im dead wrong, but if any of it rings true, let me know and Ill tell you how it feels from the other side Well, actually I think he is awesome dating material and would be great long-term. I feel like I wish I could hide him in a box for 6 months and bring him out again when I am all healed and start something healthy and good. I know that is impossible. I am not really lonely because I have many friends and plently of interested parties. I think it is more that I want it to be healthy and I am not ready.
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Ok, just making sure. Honestly, most of the time the 'Im not ready' line is BS, and women just arent interested, and the poor guy waits 6 months to try again, only to realize that the girl was just never interested to begin with. Youre doing the right thing, though.
Author jessica5366 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Plus, personally, I always have a boyfriend and want to not have one for the first time in my life... I have a feeling this guy is gonna book it, but I have to accept that and not lead him on.... thanks everyone!
Author jessica5366 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Do you think that a healthy person would really want to get involved with someone fresh out of a longterm abusive relationship? If he had posted here - hey, she's sweet but just broke up with this guy last week... what would you have said? Not judging, just questioning. Thoughts? This worries me. Do you think he has issues because he wants to date me knowing I was just out of a relationship?
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Plus, personally, I always have a boyfriend and want to not have one for the first time in my life... I have a feeling this guy is gonna book it, but I have to accept that and not lead him on.... thanks everyone! Honestly, if I was him, I would book it. Just because you cant just sit around hoping for something that might never materialize. 'Whatever happens, happens' is not something I would ever want to be involved in. Why risk my feelings like that? Do you think he has issues because he wants to date me knowing I was just out of a relationship? No, not at all. People get over things at different paces, and you cant help when/how you meet someone.
Author jessica5366 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Fair enough on the booking it part. and..I was asking if HE has issues knowing I just got out of a serious relationship...
BCCA Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Fair enough on the booking it part. and..I was asking if HE has issues knowing I just got out of a serious relationship... No, what would make you think that? He cant help if he liked you, timing just seems off. It happens.
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