jeepchick Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Some background info on me: I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years, and we've been living together for the last 3 (almost). My boyfriend owns his own business, and he has recently decided to move to another state 6 hours away to expand his business there. He "invited" me along; however at this time, with my own financial situation and the economy the way it is, I can't afford to leave my job, where I make good money right now. We also don't know that his business venture is a sure thing - he could be back in 6 months to focus on his existing business, and I can't keep quitting jobs and getting new ones. I'm sure everyone can understand the need for job security and economic stability right now. Anyways, I'm feeling completely stressed, worried, and overwhelmed by this - this decision is pretty out of the blue, and I now have 2 weeks to find a new place to live (since we rent now and our lease is up) - which is made more difficult by the fact that we have pets. We've discussed this, as far as I will be staying here when he moves, and after 6 months we will reassess where we're both at - as far as if he's going to stay there, what I will do, etc. I feel completely blindsided by this - other than the fact that my bf was acting different for several days before he told me what he was thinking - and like I said, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I don't know what this means for us, and I'm completely stressing. I guess I don't know exactly what my question is, but I know that I am looking for support. Thanks for reading.
torranceshipman Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 How do you think he handled this? Was it very much an 'I'm going, you're welcome to come with me', offered in a kind of casual way, in a 'I'm going whatever happens' way...or did he sit you down and talk it through at length about things and explain why he needed to do it, and go through all the possible ways that you'd be able to join him out there? What troubles me is that it seems to just sell you up the river all of a sudden - you have to all of a sudden not only deal with the fact he's leaving, but that you two won't be living together anymore, that you'll have to quickly leave your place and find a new one, sort out the pets you both own, etc....doesn't seem very loving/considerate of him. Has he offered a lot of help with this? And why does he have to go RIGHT now? It seems to be inconveniencing you a lot. Maybe there is something else going on here...
Hkizzle Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 A guy that has a girl's best interests at heart won't just suddenly do that. You guys ever talked about marriage? You sure he's not a commitmentphobe and won't date you forever and then walk off some day?
GiveAndTake Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 After 6 years together, something like this should have been discussed at length with you before any decision was made. I'm sorry but, I question his devotion to you. Is he willing to end this relationship with his decision? If I were you, I'd ask him and find out. If he says I'm going, with or without you, you should let him go.... and don't wait for the '6 month' reassessment.
Author jeepchick Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 How do you think he handled this? Was it very much an 'I'm going, you're welcome to come with me', offered in a kind of casual way, in a 'I'm going whatever happens' way...or did he sit you down and talk it through at length about things and explain why he needed to do it, and go through all the possible ways that you'd be able to join him out there? What troubles me is that it seems to just sell you up the river all of a sudden - you have to all of a sudden not only deal with the fact he's leaving, but that you two won't be living together anymore, that you'll have to quickly leave your place and find a new one, sort out the pets you both own, etc....doesn't seem very loving/considerate of him. Has he offered a lot of help with this? And why does he have to go RIGHT now? It seems to be inconveniencing you a lot. Maybe there is something else going on here... It was more of a "I'm going, I want you to come with me now, but a) I don't know where I will be living b) I don't know if this will even work out c) I understand that you don't want to just leave your job right now. We did talk about it at length and he agrees that if this looks like it is going to work out for him I should start looking for jobs in the new location. He has also mentioned that he would like to have bought a house by the time I come up there. Honestly, I don't know why he has to leave so soon, but this is the season when his business starts to slow down so would be convenient for him to start the new one. Also, even though I don't have a place to live right now, he has offered to help me pay the rent once I find a new place so there won't be too much of a financial burden on me. A guy that has a girl's best interests at heart won't just suddenly do that. You guys ever talked about marriage? You sure he's not a commitmentphobe and won't date you forever and then walk off some day? We have both discussed why we don't care to get married now. Also, you can be completely committed to a person and not be married. After 6 years together, something like this should have been discussed at length with you before any decision was made. I'm sorry but, I question his devotion to you. Is he willing to end this relationship with his decision? I think that is part of my confusion and why I'm a little hurt by this. I agree that it should have been discussed before a decision was made.
loveslife Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I'm going to have to disagree with the title of your thread. It doesn't sound like this was an impulsive decision on his part. It sounds like he just didn't tell you about it until the last minute. You mentioned that two people can be totally committed without marriage. But you also said that he's suggesting a reassessment of your relationship in six months. So, that's not totally committed. It sounds like you're not really confused but are having trouble facing some truths here or at least some possible lack of commitment or devotion on his part.
bluewolf17 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Hey Jeep Chick, Sorry for the situation your in. May I ask why you don't want to go with him? Do you think that because you may have told him you don't want to go, that he brought up the whole 6 months thing? Besides this, how has your relationship with him been?
Author jeepchick Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 I'm going to have to disagree with the title of your thread. It doesn't sound like this was an impulsive decision on his part. It sounds like he just didn't tell you about it until the last minute. You mentioned that two people can be totally committed without marriage. But you also said that he's suggesting a reassessment of your relationship in six months. So, that's not totally committed. It sounds like you're not really confused but are having trouble facing some truths here or at least some possible lack of commitment or devotion on his part. Thanks for the replies, so far they've been helpful. Just to clarify a couple things: Yes, it only seems impulsive to me because it was out of the blue that he brought it up. Awhile ago he mentioned that this was something he'd like to do, but hadn't mentioned it since. He was probably only thinking about it for a week, two at the most, before telling me - he was presented with an opportunity only recently. We're not reassessing our relationship in 6 months; we are very committed to each other and will be dating long distance and will do everything possible to make this relationship work. The reassessment will be in regards to how things are going for the business up there, and what our next step will be - will I get a job there, will he move back here, etc. Either way, someone else will have to be running one of his businesses, assuming the one he starts up takes off. My biggest wtf really is that he blindsided me with this, by telling me just now that he already made a decision, when I didn't even know he was thinking about it. I wish he had told me that an opportunity came up and he was considering taking it.
Author jeepchick Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Hey Jeep Chick, Sorry for the situation your in. May I ask why you don't want to go with him? Do you think that because you may have told him you don't want to go, that he brought up the whole 6 months thing? Besides this, how has your relationship with him been? Very simply, I can't afford to give up my job without having one lined up, we don't know if he's going to be staying there (hence the 6 month reassessment - will he stay or come back), and the economy blows, so I'm not willing to quit right now.
bluewolf17 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]I see. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]Well, then it sounds like you too are going about this the right way. I wouldn't worry pre-emptively. It sounds like he wants to make sure things are settled before you commit to moving, and quitting your job. Smart move I think. [/sIZE][/FONT]
loveslife Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Thanks for the replies, so far they've been helpful. Just to clarify a couple things: Yes, it only seems impulsive to me because it was out of the blue that he brought it up. Awhile ago he mentioned that this was something he'd like to do, but hadn't mentioned it since. He was probably only thinking about it for a week, two at the most, before telling me - he was presented with an opportunity only recently. We're not reassessing our relationship in 6 months; we are very committed to each other and will be dating long distance and will do everything possible to make this relationship work. The reassessment will be in regards to how things are going for the business up there, and what our next step will be - will I get a job there, will he move back here, etc. Either way, someone else will have to be running one of his businesses, assuming the one he starts up takes off. My biggest wtf really is that he blindsided me with this, by telling me just now that he already made a decision, when I didn't even know he was thinking about it. I wish he had told me that an opportunity came up and he was considering taking it. Oh, OK, sorry, I misunderstood. That sounds much more stable and healthy. Why don't you tell him what you say in the last paragraph here and see what he says. It's really going to be impossible for anyone here to get inside his head.
Author jeepchick Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 My fault for not being clear It's just that his lack of communication made me feel very insecure, pretty much for the reasons others pointed out.
loveslife Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 My fault for not being clear It's just that his lack of communication made me feel very insecure, pretty much for the reasons others pointed out. So I'm confused. What exactly are you looking for in terms of advice?
Author jeepchick Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 So I'm confused. What exactly are you looking for in terms of advice? I honestly don't even know. I just felt so blindsided by this, and confused and overwhelmed - I wanted some people's thoughts on the situation, some support...and it helps to write it out too
Ruby Slippers Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 What it comes down to is that you weren't a real factor in his decision to go -- in other words, he doesn't seem to consider you a real partner to be considered in major decisions. In addition, he put you in the stressful, tough spot of making a decision and possibly having to find a new place in a very short period of time, very inconsiderately failing to give you adequate time to plan for your next move. At best, it's all about him. After six years, that really sucks. At worst, he's creating an escape route for himself, putting you in an almost impossibly difficult position disguised as "your choice", so he can use that as his scapegoat from bailing on his commitment to you and the relationship. Given all this, I would let him go and I would absolutely stay put.
New Again Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 While I agree with the posters who commented on your bf's lack of communication with you, and you are understandably upset about that - and maybe that's something you two will work on as a couple - it seems to me that he is in fact committed to you. You mentioned that he wants you to be able to go with him; he understands the position you're in; he wants to buy a house if you move to him, meaning he has future plans for you two; he's going to help you maintain a certain lifestyle by contributing to rent, etc. This last also tells me something else - he is the primary breadwinner. I think continuing to help you pay your expenses while you date long distance says something about his commitment to you. But that's just me I also agree that the timing sucks, but if your lease is up soon, you've probably already been looking for places, right? , and it probably seemed to your bf like a good time to get going on this new business venture. Who knows, maybe with the economy the way it is this is a golden opportunity for him to start his business at a low cost. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.
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