silent break up?

[wondering_girl]

hi guys, need some opinion on something.. my bf and i have been together for almost 4 years, and the whole time when we get into an argument, i was usually the one running back saying "sorry", but recently, we had a petty argument simply misplacing something and i called him out on his behavior, to why he was acting like this.. anyhow, we met for dinner to "talk" and i addressed everything that's been bottling up, during our fight this time, we did not speak to each other for 2 1/2 weeks, the way he deal with things too is silent treatment, which makes matters worse and i addressed this for the first time.. i addressed everything on how he hurt me and i have never done this before..

 

the whole time he just kinda stared at me for a while and barely said anything except a couple of words and saying eat.. and then towards the end he's like, guess i'm not ready to talk, last thing i told him was.. well, when you're ready to talk let me know.. i feel like i don't know what to expect, a part of me expects that he'll realize what he did was wrong, another part thinks he just wants to break it instead of him breaking it with me, and why would he prolong it? it's sad that the first time i called him out on his rude behavior, he just disappeared... i feel like he doesn't want to fix it anymore since he's prolonging it.. or maybe something else is going on with his life? he's so hard to talk to...

 

i'm sooooo hurt and in so much pain to the fact that i think that's how he broke up with me, with complete utter silence, after 4 years.... it's so hard to let go.

 

thoughts?

[trueblue72ny]

i agree the silent treatment doesnt help. it sounds like to me that you are putting yourself out there making the effort to discuss issues. & from what you say it does not seem like he is at all. everyone in their own situation is able to judge whether or not they feel like things are fair. so i am wondering do you feel like things are fair? are you putting in twice as much effort into this than he is? if thats so that shoudl tell oyu something right off the bat...

 

i hate to suggest this but amybe he's just not that into it anymore? what do you think? after 4 years you should be able to have a gut feeling whether or not he is?

 

my suggstion, and i know this is soooo sooo hard to do, i think the only way to combat the silent treatment is to return the favor. do not contact him. let him contact you first. than that way you dont feel like a doormat. and you know he wants to talk.

 

what i dont get is he agrees to meet you for dinner to talk, then tells you he isnt ready to talk. then jsut tells you to eat? is that another way of telling someone to shut up? sounds like something is going on. usually people who are interested in each other WANT TO TALK.

 

just my two cents.

[wondering_girl]

i agree the silent treatment doesnt help. it sounds like to me that you are putting yourself out there making the effort to discuss issues. & from what you say it does not seem like he is at all. everyone in their own situation is able to judge whether or not they feel like things are fair. so i am wondering do you feel like things are fair? are you putting in twice as much effort into this than he is? if thats so that shoudl tell oyu something right off the bat...

 

i hate to suggest this but amybe he's just not that into it anymore? what do you think? after 4 years you should be able to have a gut feeling whether or not he is?

 

my suggstion, and i know this is soooo sooo hard to do, i think the only way to combat the silent treatment is to return the favor. do not contact him. let him contact you first. than that way you dont feel like a doormat. and you know he wants to talk.

 

what i dont get is he agrees to meet you for dinner to talk, then tells you he isnt ready to talk. then jsut tells you to eat? is that another way of telling someone to shut up? sounds like something is going on. usually people who are interested in each other WANT TO TALK.

 

just my two cents.

 

hi trueblue, thanks for listening, i definitely think things are unfair for me, ya know, this is also the first time after an argument that we actually attempted to talk about our feelings, usually before, the whole time, he'd give me the silent treatment, and the old "me" would come running back and nothing was ever discussed, we just went back to normal, but this time i put things in the table and said, we can't handle conflicts like this...

 

i'm not sure if he's not that into me anymore, i mean, we were fine before all this, no rocky patches - just hanging out, traveling, things like that.... that's why i was very disturbed at dinner because all he said was i didn't listen.. about the eating part.. he didn't mean it rudely, well i didn't think

so, i wasn't eating as much as i usually do that's why... but it was just kinda' disturbing how he said he wasn't ready to talk again... as day passes by, i'm starting to treat it as his silence means it over, my friends are telling me to break it off with him first, but i'm hoping, that at least for dating that long he can tell me, but as days pass by i'm starting to lose that hope. i don't know if he's having his own issues either, i'm kinda tired of solving the puzzle, i guess the hard part is accepting it as what it is..

 

it just hurts.

[trueblue72ny]

Hey, we’re here for you : ) I cant tell you how similar parts of yours sounds to mine. I have been stuck on my ex for a looong time. its on, then off. She talks to me, than doesn’t. I get the silent treatment for days, even weeks sometimes. I have been dumped so many times I lost count. Than I hear from her again. I wound up always justifying it through my feelings of caring for her. now i think i am just starting to get mad about it all. took awhile. So I know full well how it can make you feel. And the toll its takes on your emotionally. It does hurt. A LOT. & for me at least I couldn’t, and still cant see all the time, what everyone told me. i just believed in her. but than slowly, something inside you starts to think different. You get tired of trying to guess how someone feels all the time. or putting a quarter in, and only getting a nickel back.

 

I am pretty sure you wont be happy forever if you feel things are unfair all the time. I do hope he starts to open up a little bit more to you. because oyu sound like a really caring and great person! in my opinion the silent treatment is a red flag. & It gets old after awhile trying to guess what someone is thinking all the time. and you get tired of listening to your own thoughts in silence. But there are just some people who are non-talking people.

[wondering_girl]

yah, the bad part about this is, i'm still in the unknown, but after soooo many times of trying to reach out, i've come at a standstill, where i've already took his silence as the end. sometimes i think that i would prefer for us to rather be silent so i'll know he wanted things to end that way... no effort or whatsoever, like you said, every fight, every little petty argument, i got the silent treatment as a punishment then everything would be OK... but this time it wasn't.... i wasn't running back to him like i did last time because it's not healthy for me and our relationship, i still have dignity and respect for me ya know?

 

i respected his decision of not being able to talk at that moment so i'll let him go.... as hard as it is, i can't force anyone to speak or be with me.... i just said when you're ready i'm here. but i didn't mean that if he came around 3 months or a year later, i'm still here.... it hurts to go through this everyday, i always wonder what is he doing... is he even hurt!

 

thanks, writing on here helps a little bit... *hugs*

 

so, you said "ex" right, how long ago did you guys split up.. did you date for a while too? the thing that hurts me is that we dated for a long time and he was my best friend, i told him everything even if he didn't say anything.... and we're in our late 20's....

[freestyle]

The silent treatment is a classic sign of Passive-Aggressive behavior.

It`s also a form of emotional abuse.

 

My advice is to read up on it.

[trueblue72ny]

I cant tell you how many times that awful feeling of feeling like I am in the unknown I have dealt with also because of the silent treatment. I used to think it was me that was at fault all the time. Or me figuring out what did I do? what is wrong? than I would feel like dirt. but I am beginning to feel ya know what? Maybe its NOT me.

 

 

Its funny you say you’ve come to a standstill and have taken his silence as the end. Because it took me 4 - 5 years to just start feeling like that. especially in the last few months. I feel like ok, so you don’t want to talk to me now? ok I guess its over I say to myself. I used to feel like I was going completely insane. Now I just expect it. in a weird way it now makes me feel safer not to reach out initially anymore because I don’t want to make myself feel any worse. I don’t think it’s a healthy thing either. I know what you mean about feeling like you are dis-respecting yourself over it. It took me years to understand that about myself and I am now 37! I guess maybe it took me so long because i have never been in a relationship were I had to deal with that! it was new to me.

 

At this point we have not talked (again) in 5 days. And you know what? Im thinking ok, im taking your silence as that’s it. I am over the initial shock of once again, the silent treatment. And as usual I have no idea what is wrong.

 

Writing with people does help a bit : )

 

We officially dated about 4 years as well. We split up officially last july. I was letting go back then. than she just kept contacting me. I feel like I never got the opportunity to really let go. or was given the space to move on. it seems like I can only get so far away, and then her radar goes off and I hear from her again. We work in the same office, but we don’t have to see each other every day because the office is big enough.

 

its hard for me not to respond to someone. I guess its just the way im programmed. Even people I don’t like, I will respond to them. It might not be nice, but it’s a response. I just don’t get the silent treatment. And because I am so baffled by it it seems like I end up blaming myself for it.

 

Now we just got back together this past july as “friends” with benefits. Im not so sure I am thrilled about it to be quite honest. What do I have to look forward too is what I am asking myself. I like company also, but there has got to be more to things than that. She was my best friend for awhile too. we told each other everything. Or at least used too. and that’s what makes it hard. That connection we had. We had it, were’d it go? you see to me, nothing is ever truly gone until you are in the grave. So enjoy the people in your life I say because once they are gone, they are gone forever. I guess not everyone has that view. But they will learn someday that’s how life works.

[trueblue72ny]

The silent treatment is a classic sign of Passive-Aggressive behavior.

It`s also a form of emotional abuse.

 

My advice is to read up on it.

 

 

that is an interesting perspective freestyle. i never thought of it that way. with my ex i can tell you she had a bad childhood. and i have actually wondered sometimes if she is unconscienously taking it out on every man she comes across now.

[wondering_girl]

definitely writing here helps a little bit thank you... very much for taking the time to listen.

 

wow, 4 years too? did you feel like everytime you did something she didn't like she would pull the silent treatment? that's how i felt, throughout the relationship, this is how we dealt with problems because that's how he wanted to.. and he would come around like nothing happened... which doesn't really solve the problem.. it's still there but we just ignored it, like you said, he's done this throughout the years and by the time that i'm ok, he shows up and acts like we're ok....

 

this time around i called him out on his behavior and attempted to resolve twice and just as i expected if he didn't initiate he won't budge...when we spoke, i actually laid it out and said we cannot cope with our arguments like this, since he said he was ready to talk, i thought he was gonna talk too, but unfortunately, he said "he wasn't ready" and i'm taking this as this silence for this long is not the usual punishment, it must be the end....

 

the unknown feeling sucks, it hurts i feel like im in the middle of the road holding an "i love you sign" but no one is there to read it but me.... i agree with you, the more i try to contact him, the more i feel like i'm disrespecting myself.. i feel bad forcing him to talk, i just wish that one day, he'd talk.. my friends are saying he's trying to get me to leave him, but if that's the case, i'm hoping he'd say it, he owes me for dating this long.. but i guess he doesn't owe me anything but.. he's had sooo many opportunities to tell me, but he chooses to leave me in the unknown.. but like i said this time i took it as the end...

 

what are your plans now... are you going to try to turn into a relationship again? since even though with your situation, i'm sure you still have feelings for her right?

 

writing feelings seems like a therapy...

[Tayla]

Freestyle is correct. Sometimes advise is really that simple. Thank you for relaying this.

[trueblue72ny]

Hey, you are helping me too. I don’t hear about many people getting the silent treatment. So when I hear about it I am all ears!

 

Yes, 4 years. And Yes, every single time something happened she didn’t like, or that she didn’t want to deal with, or when she just wanted to run off and do her own thing, I would get the silent treatment. No explanations. Even now. day 6 here. Complete silence. Just like you said yesterday, I am just taking it as that’s it. it still really annoys me, but what can you do, ya know? that is how she deals with issues as well. And then one day out of the clear blue I hear from her unexpectedly, Hey! How are You!!!! like nothing ever happened.

 

it does totally make me feel worse to be the one who constantly initiates contact. I already feel bad enough when she isn’t talking to me. I feel like I did something wrong and don’t know what it is. but I feel even worse when I initiate and get some kind of lame short response, because she doesn’t want to talk yet. Just like you I feel like I am constantly demoralized when I do that. and ya, then I feel bad for feeling like I forced her to talk. I feel like I just cant win! No matter what I do!!

 

I have let it go, and let it go, and let it go. but now I am really starting to feel unhappy way deep down. I know people like us have A LOT to offer someone! : ) I don’t have problems meeting new girls. I have asked myself a million times, why do I deal with it? im not sure. I guess once those feelings grow inside me its hard to shake them. I don’t want to give up!

 

For awhile I used to take it very personally. But I am starting to think she will probably be like that with no matter who she is with. She is 32 now and I don’t foresee that changing. I already know for a fact that I am way more tolerant of it than others. And after what freestyle just said I am really thinking about that, maybe it is a form of abuse?? Am we stuck in an abusive relationship? I googled “The silent treatment is a classic sign of Passive-Aggressive behavior.” And got a lot of reading material. I am shocked actually that the shoe seems to fit so well. I would never of thought it.

 

I congratulate you for calling him out on it. it takes a lot of courage to do something like that! I have not done that, fearing I would just make things worse if you know what I mean? I fear it would make her mad then she would disappear again.

 

Ya, the unknown sucks. That seems to be my punishment as well. But I have a good feeling you and I both will get through it, eventually, one way or the other! I cant imagine going thru this for the rest of my life!! Maybe he is trying to freeze you out. than he can point the finger at you and say, well you left me. and blame shift all the guilt on you. When in reality his behavior is what started it. NOT YOURS. you just cant win with people like this!!

 

My plans now? I do have feelings for her still, yes. But I don’t know what I am going to do except take it one day at a time. I will continue as I am and not contact her thinking its over. the last time she started giving me the silent treatment for almost a month, i thought that was it as well. so I started talking to a new girl on a friendly basis. I haven’t met her. but im thinking I should just too see what else is out there. Ive held the torch her my ex for a long lonnnng time. 4 to 5 years. Like you I have given her every opportunity, and still no indications what so ever of having anything to look forward too. ive let it go, but she just keeps coming back. That is what confuses me.

 

Its just hard making the decision to do this. And I know it will be very hard IF I start seeing the new girl, to hear from my ex when she decides to break her silence. When she wants to talk she starts walking by my cubicle at work trying to get noticed. It pulls at my heart strings. It is going to hurt a lot to just stop talking to her. but I don’t see any other way around it if that is what happens. we cant just talk as friends. Not at this point. And I need some space and time to move on. do you know what I mean??? it

 

I know my responses are long. When I am stressed I tend to ramble on and on and on. right there is probably a good indication that I shouldn’t be with someone who likes to give the silent treatment!!! I NEED communication from my woman. I need trust, passion and communication.

[wondering_girl]

trueblue, sorry, my posts are long too. reading your e-mail made me cry, i can seriously relate to what you're going through, except that it's my boyfriend that's doing it to me, and your girlfriend that's doing it to you...

 

throughout the relationship, even petty stuff, he would give me the silent treatment when he didn't like anything, and usually, when he came around, nothing was discussed, like you said they acted like nothing happened, even though, they ignored you for a week, or a week and a half. or however how long...

 

this time around, i felt like i had to stand up for myself.. and asked him, why was he acting like this? and at first attempt, no budge at all, second attempt, no budge at all, so left him alone, he texted on the 2nd wk, but he insisted going to dinner and he said there are some things left unsaid, when you're ready to talk, let's go to dinner- but i told him can we talk at the beach instead? of course he said no, and then he said lunch at 12 but i couldn't so after that went to talk to him and he just threw me away saying he can't talk... after the failed second attempt, the day after had to go to a family thing that he asked me to go go but i didn't let him act like nothing happened he tried to talk but just talked a little, after that i initiated contact after saying ok i'm ready and we go to dinner and he barely said 3 words to me, all he said was i didn't listen and that he wasn't ready to talk.. at dinner, instead of the old me just crying and saying let's fix this, i addressed the issue and i told him, i loved him but i can't fix this by myself... and i also asked im what did i do to him to deserve this, he's continuing to punish me.. i haven't heard from him since... the issue started a month ago... now i'm in silence...

 

i think the reason why we can't let go is because we are in-love with them, deeply, bc we had a lot of good times.. besides all the times we spent in silence.

 

it hurts me even more that when i initiate contact, it's short and cruel i feel even worse, this time, i'm thinking the silence is for good, it hurts.... or what is next? this is actually the first time that he wanted to talk about it that's why i was nervous... but i was hoping that he'd actually say something, anything.. i know, day 6 must be really rough, i'm a big mess everytime, i can't get use to it, because you know, it seems like the silent treatment happens when we're doing really goood? and he just pulls it on me all of a sudden.. my friends keep saying, go there and say talk, but forcing him will never ever work and i end up feeling disrespected....

 

*hugs*

 

thanks for listening.

[trueblue72ny]

Morning wondering girl,

 

If you want to write 10 pages go ahead : ) you know ive been poking around on love shack for a bit and yours is the first post I have seen about the silent treatment as well. I thought I was dealing with a unique situation. But now I know I am not. And it helps to hear your story!

 

I guess you have to ask yourself will it change? That is were I am at. Even if he starts talking -this time. what about next time? Will we be sitting around trying to guess whats wrong the next time again? Is it going to be like pulling teeth to get them to talk. probably yes. What to do. Yes I am in love with her, but I think I am starting to feel myself unhappy with it. my life is beginning to feel like its being put on hold while they live theirs. It just makes it worse when I see my friends and they show interest in what im up too and how things are going. in the past I didn’t care, I just wanted her to talk to me and would hold out for as long as it took. Now I am like ok, I am taking your silence as that’s it. and I do not feel myself going AS crazy over it anymore. it still totally affects me, just not as much as it used too. and I do not feel myself waiting for an explanation over it. I just call my friends up and live my life now. I have a house and still have to mow the lawn. Do my laundry. And all the other chores in my life.

 

I was reading up on the silent treatmentt. There are other boards out there were people talk about it. this one woman was talking about how her husband was always giving her the silent treatment. For 10 or more years. She was miserable. she was saying now that she has become so annoyed with it, everytime he does it now, she feels like it’s a vacation and she can relax. I couldn’t help but to chuckle to myself a little bit over that. a vacation from it all. What a nice thought!

 

Yes it does hurt more to initiate contact. It is demoralizing. I feel my dignity suffer. The short lame responses just annoy me now. low and behold this morning I got a text after 7 days of silence from her saying: “tell me again why we aren’t talking” at first my heart jumped, then I felt like that’s it? are you kidding me? and I got annoyed. I knew going into it would not help things. so I just responded back and said: “ idk. Haven’t heard from you, thought you were mad” (idk = I don’t know). the response was: oh ok just checking.

 

I mean really. Wow. Another lame, short response. And I haven’t responded back. Yay, I heard from her. why am I not that thrilled. my retard cat seems to be able to communicate better than that. my neighbors dog gives me more attention that that.

 

I never thought i would get used to it. I always felt like I was just going to be stuck on the whole thing forever. But I really do feel myself at this point in time drifting off a little bit. It is honestly relieving to feel a break from it. And I think if it keeps up in your situation you will too if things don’t change. Its heart wrenching, yes, but I think your heart can only put up with so much, even if that so much is a lot! And you will stand up for yourself. You have every right to be loved and RESPECTED just like anyone else!

 

I don’t see what the big deal is YOU making a suggestion, hey lets go to the beach and talk. That sounds really great actually! Then he insists you go to dinner to talk, and then doesn’t. uggggggg. Frustrating!!!! Seems like it’s a one sided situation. His way, or no way. Stay strong. You are doing the right thing standing up for yourself. Relationships should be equal. 50/50. and if they are not than its selfish.

 

xoxo

[revoo]

I didnt read the other posts sorry, I am in a hurry.

 

So, you did the right thing pointing out his bad sides. Donno the way you did it, but its ok that you did it.

 

If he doesnt realize that he must change or he doesnt want to change for you, than it means that he doesnt respect you as much as you think.

 

My EX tried to point out the things in me and she tried to talk to me but I didnt listen, that was my fault and I got my punishment for it. But I am now willing to change, and I am in some ways, its a long procedure but its going ok.

 

Donno really what advice to give you. Its strange that he doesnt want to talk. My EX didnt want to talk in the last few days after she told me she was leaving, I had to force her to tell me things. And that means that it is over, she doesnt feel the need to tell me because she feels relieved of getting rid of me as a lover.

 

Really dont know what to say, because if he doent tell you how he feels, then there is no point on waiting for him, he isnt honest with you, or he is hiding something or he is ashamed. Try to talk to him once more, and if he doesnt talk then NC and you will see if he misses you or not, if not than thats it. I will read the rest of posts later when I GET HOME.

 

STAY STRONG!

[wondering_girl]

morning true blue, wow she made contact...... so what's the plan now? did you even know what happened or what you did before she disappeared? are ya planning on addressing why she disappeared but i'm almost certain that if you did she'll get mad and disappear .. usually, the "old" me would just act like nothing happened as well.. but his first contact was a text message so i got really worried how come he just didn't call.. and i didn't know why he wanted to do dinner as well, i guess so we can just act like nothing happened, but i couldn't let him this time, i had to address the issue.... ya know, i was scared at first, but i'm hoping that he'll respect me too, but that seems like the opposite, i probably made him more angry because i didn't comply to all the meetings that he wanted - but this showed me another side of him though, that i didn't see before... so i guess it's good for me to see it now...

 

i wish that i'm in the stage where i'm used to it.... but this time, i'm fearing that he'll never break the silence and that this is the way for him to leave me.. like there's been so much effort from me, but not from him....so i'm kinda at a standstill now, throughout the relationship this is how we dealt with conflict and it never changed, at dinner, i told him exactly how i felt, i told him we cannot deal with it like this, i know we need time and space for our own but i felt like it was excessive this time, like he was punishing me, and all i got was a stare.....

 

my friends said he's trying to frustrate me so i'll leave him, but i love him and i'm hoping that he'll talk whatever it is that is bothering him or about us, and i made sure he knows that i told him when he's ready i'm here so...and if he did want to leave, i want it to come from him, at least this time, he said something..... i'm kinda bogged down trying to put the pieces of his puzzle together and i still hate me that after he treated me like this, i'm still in-love with him... one part of my heart still waits for that text/phone call, while the one part just says, let's just leave it in silence. the weekends are tough for me bc sometimes i have panics in which is he going to call/text what today.... it's sad.

 

*hugs*

 

THIS REALLY MADE ME LAUGH, THANKS

I mean really. Wow. Another lame, short response. And I haven’t responded back. Yay, I heard from her. why am I not that thrilled. my retard cat seems to be able to communicate better than that. my neighbors dog gives me more attention that that.

[Maxwell Sage]

Man, this is such a lame situation.

 

Your boyfriend sounds extremely stubborn and equally immature. Relationships are built upon communication, once that breaks down problems are sure to ensue. The fact that he's putting effort into making sure there's a total lack of communication indicates to me that he's not in a good place. How do you solve a problem by ignoring it? Sweeping things under a rug just leaves you seeing a bigger mess next time you lift your rug up to try repeating the process.

 

I consider "the silent treatment" to be a mild form of abuse, but abuse nonetheless. If he wants to talk to you, be with you, work things out, he'll do so. When someone wants space, by far the best thing to do is let go and give it to them. If it's meant to be, it'll work out, but either way you need to accept things as they are. This kind of situation is especially stressful due to all the fright and wonder that comes along with not knowing exactly where your boyfriend stands.

 

My advice would be to tell him that you can't do the silent thing any more and that if he feels there a problem, he needs to address it and work it out like an adult. It's one thing if you don't want to be with someone and you need to cut them out of your life, but ignoring the person you're with as a form of punishment is just childish and doesn't solve a thing. If you feel the need to punish the person you're seeing, what kind of relationship do you have?

[wondering_girl]

hi maxwell, thanks for listening...the last time i talked to him, i laid out the issues and i told him that you know, i love you but i cannot work on it by myself we have serious issues, and i also asked what did i do to him to deserve to be treated like this? he's continuing to punish me, i told him i understood that people need their space, but this time it was excessive, it felt like he was continuing to punish me from what i did.. i think i've pretty much said my peace that day, and i left him from that day on, the last thing i told him was, whenever you're ready to talk, let me know.. and let it go then.. it just weirded me out how the whole time he just said i didn't listen and that he wasn't ready to talk.. keep in mind our last conversation i initiated the talk....

 

the thing that hurts the most like you said is the unknown, i'm even scared the next time he attempts to contact me to see what he says, or sometimes did he just end it without saying anything you know? i'm trying to accept everything as the days go by....

 

thanks so much for listening...

[celesteundress]

I am very sorry you're going through this. I have been going through this for the past 3 weeks. If you're curious about my story, check out my previous post.

 

My boyfriend refuses to speak to me, but will still attend events in which are both invited to. Imagine that? I personally am so unbelievably confounded and deeply insulted by his behaviour. On top of that, we share the same close friends, so what I've had to deal with is crumbs of gossip about why he is treating me this way.

The silent treatment is not only a form of abuse, it is a manipulative ploy and a power trip. It is masochistic to treat someone you apparently love with so much disrespect. The week I realized he was avoiding me, I could barely eat, smoked profusely and developed a knot in my neck so tight I couldn't turn my head.

My advice to you, girl is RUN. Declare this relationship OVER and take power back into your own hands. It is YOU and YOUR life you need to concern over not him or his or what he's thinking or what he wants. CLARIFY what you want for yourself, define your needs and tell yourself, 'i cannot be with a person who acts so selfishly-i deserve more'

 

I'm getting through it, but every day i wake up feeling fueled by anger..i tell myself that i am loved and will be loved the way i want to be and that i am a believer.

 

good luck

[Katherineos123]

Im going through a similar situation myself. You should look up the last thread I started.... My boyfriend at one point went MIA for FOUR DAYS!!! I talked to him about that, and he said he loved me, was sorry, wanted to work it out blah blah blah. Well, that lasted about 2 weeks, and then he hurt me for the last time. I decided I wanted to break up with him, that I was no longer happy, and that I deserved better, tried calling for 3 days, he wouldnt pick up OR return my phone calls. I couldnt carry that weight on my shoulders any longer, so I was forced to break up with him VIA TEXT MESSAGE!! That was 2 1/2 weeks ago.... And I havent heard from him.

 

Sometimes I think about contacting him first. I just miss him and have weak moments, and truly I still love him, but I do know that the relationship I was in was not going to change, no matter how many times I convinced myself it was, and that it was not a relationship I was willing to fight for any longer.... I had nothing left, he took it all from me. And I do feel as though there is a lack of closure, being as he and I never actually COMMUNICATED our break up.... But I know its not a good idea... so then Im back at square one.

 

I cant really give you any advice other than what has already been given, but I just wanted to let you know that there are other people out there who are going through the same thing as you. It certainely is a form of abuse, it definitely feels that way.

 

I hope that you can be strong and truly walk away from this man. If he truly cares abotu you, he will come back willing to work on his communication skills (or lack thereof) but in the meantime, you have to put your love for yourself well above your love for another.

 

So have you broken up? Or are you still in that weird limbo stage?

[wondering_girl]

hi girls, thank you for listening.....today, i hate me that i am still not strong enough to say i don't want to be with him anymore, - i hate him for doing this to me, but i still love him, how is that possible? after him treating me like this, my "cool" boyfriend of 4 years have completely turned 360 on me. i hate that i'm weak, i hate it.

 

katherine i read your posts and i can feel your hurt too we're suffering from the same issue, it hurts soo much at times, i don't even know what to say anymore, i got tired trying to put his puzzle together.. ya know the whole time when we were together, this is how we dealt with conflict, and usually i don't question him, and the first time i called him out on his behavior this is what happens - oh how i wished that i could turn back time that i called him out the first time he did, and then i would've know that this would be response, to disappear even more.

 

last time i talked to him was over dinner, he barely said 3 words to me and he just said he wasn't ready to talk.. we never officially broke up, but i'm taking his lack of effort, interest, and no contact as this is it, i'm not going to lie, a part of my heart thinks that he'll come back and say, let's work on this i'm sorry but i also don't want to dwell on that.. because i addressed that if this communication thing can't work we really don't have a relationship you know? or that he'll come back and end it... some of my friends say that this is the way he's gonna end things in silence, but for 4 years, i'm hoping that if he wants it over he would actually man up and say "hey i can't do this anymore" because i've decided i'm not doing it..

 

it's been a week since our silent dinner but i've pretty much said my peace - i'm scared the day that he'll contact me because i do wanna work things out, like i said at dinner, but the lack of contact from him shows that he's given up.... what do you think? or unless he's just so mean that i pissed him more off bc i talked about his behavior and disappeared.. i'm emotionally exhausted and i've been crying everyday for like a month.

[trueblue72ny]

Hey wondering girl,

 

I am glad I was able to make you laugh last Friday!

 

I still am not sure what I am going to do. I suppose for now I am going to take it one day at a time and see how my thoughts go. the pattern is still the same as it always has been. As with you, I hear from her, than I don’t. and when I do its never anything substantial, or that gives me confidence. Its just small talk. And I don’t want to say anything fearing she will disappear AGAIN. Its Monday and right now I guess I don’t care that I haven’t heard from her since Saturday. Work is stressing me out today. I got a text on Saturday night at 8pm, after a long day out having fun with her buddies (me having no idea what she was up too), she wanted ice cream. I was pretty tired already from working all day and I was already half passed out on my couch. I said were ? she said I don’t know. and that was that. am I surprised I haven’t heard form her in two or three days..? Nope! Not one bit. She isn’t really like a girlfriend, its like a buddy I hear from every so often at this point.

 

I wouldn’t doubt it if he is trying to frustrate you into leaving, like I said than he can blame you for leaving, but everyone knows that it is with him that it started. That’s just weak he wont man up to it.

 

It does get exhausting after awhile just constantly pouring all your energy into someone who doesn’t return anything. Uggggggggg. Im beginning to think we both need someone who can put something on the table. Or at least hold a conversation!!!!

 

But I understand it is really realllly difficult to follow thru with moving on when your heart is with someone. Hang in there girl.

 

Try your best to be strong.

 

I think when he starts wondering were you are you will hear form him, that is my opinion.

[wondering_girl]

hi trueblue thank for listening, did you have a good wkend? hopefully work will get better for you this week! what, she disappeared again? it seems like it doesn't bother you as much now, i completely understand.. is your heart still with her? yah, i was scared to question his behavior before, but this time i had to ya know? and now he's treating me like i committed a crime or cheated on him, dude, i misplaced something! geesh

 

it's been 8 days of NC since our silent dinner - i think he's given up on us, i'm not gonna lie a little part of me is hoping that he'll come back but i would like to take that hope away and sometimes i hope that if he wants it over to not contact me anymore.. it's better off that way, he has not attempted to contact me so i guess this time this is not my usual punishment anymore - it's for real. i'm not going to contact him either, like i told you my friends are saying he's getting me to do it for him, but i'm not going to do it - we could just be like this. it hurts but.. i was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, since we dated for 4 years not 2 weeks. but i don't even know who this guy is anymore... and i hate that i still love this guy. ughhhhhh.. yes, please someone that will speak what is going on, say something, anything!!

 

thanks for listening, it helps me to vent here. i still hate that i've cried everyday for this past month

[boldjack]

I'm not defending your ex-BF, but did you berate him in public? If my partner gets on my a** in public, it's over, so there is no reason to speak. If a woman oversteps my boundaries, (which I explain, beforehand) then it's over and there is no reason to talk. I never use the "silent treatment", as a weapon, but will not waste my time on someone who disrespects my requisites.

[wondering_girl]

hi there, no not at all, i just talked to him in a normal voice not yelling at all or anything, i've held my dignity through all his treatment and we were at our fave restaurant where we used to go all the time.. so no not at all.... most of the people know us there, i was just telling him how i felt but no yelling at all...

[boldjack]

If that's the case, his behavior is difficult to explain. If I were you , I would proceed as if the breakup has already happened, and concentrate on your own wellbeing.