celesteundress Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 my previous post explains the details of this same relationship. i dated a friend who i had known for a few years. we were together for 7 months. he initiated our first break up, called us 'incompatible' and 'felt like something was missing.' despite these vague excuses we took some time apart and eventually after a few months, slowly became civil. we share the same close friends and would run into each other often. by this time i had accepted that the relationship was over. then his demeanor changed..he gave me small gifts and our conversations became flirty and he asked me several times if i wanted to hang out with him. in august we went on a group camping trip for 3 days. the afternoon we arrived, him and i went for a long walk. he began to open up about his thoughts on our failed relationship, apologized for his behaviour, explained what he was feeling at the time and blamed our demise on his inability to communicate with me. he admitted that he missed me and that he was still in love with me. i accepted his apology and knew that this was a big step for him, to communicate honestly with me, exposing a vulnerable side. for the 3 days we were there we continued to hash things out. i got a lot of afterthoughts off my chest, explained my insecurities and needs in a very concise way. he was open and receptive. i felt we were engaging on the same level. he asked me to consider giving him a second chance to work on these things. we agreed that we still felt something for each other. when we got back to the city we started to hang out and talk on the regular. taking things slow for the most part...spending time in social settings with our friends. it was nice. he had no reservations about being affectionate and expressing how he felt about me in front of our friends as well as when we were alone. it made me feel happy and confident. there was 3 weeks of this and then suddenly he just stopped taking my calls. on the first 2 days, i called our mutual friends to see if they had talked to him, if something was wrong...i was worried. everyone i talked to said he hadn't responded to their calls/texts either. after the 3rd day i stopped calling and accepted my worst fear. that he was just ignoring me. at the end of the week he agreed to speak to a friend-some of his close friends tried to get him to open up, told him to come tell me what was up and explained that his actions were disrupting/disappointing our community of friends. eventually what he told my one friend came back to me. he had explained that he was just hoping to avoid me altogether because confrontation makes him feel really anxious and that he intentionally wanted to hurt me bad enough so that i would not consider reconciling with him in the future. this was utterly devastating for me to hear. i couldn't understand where this animosity came from-we hadn't fought at all. the moment i heard this i was on the beach with some gfs and he was around the corner at the park playing baseball with other friends. in an impulsive moment of weakness i went out to the park and spotted him in the out field and splashed my beer on him. then he says, no! you missed my mouth! which infuriated me so i slapped him across the face for about 20 of our friends to witness. i was shaking and felt like i was completely out of my body. i had never hit anyone before or had any serious falling outs with former lovers or friends. i realize now in retrospect, it wasn't the best thing for me to do-those who anger you, control you so i wish i could have had more restraint. none of our friends gave me a hard time about it and most of them felt like he needed that kind of direct message..even if it had to be on such a low level. his response to it was to laugh it off, he continued to play the game. he still won't speak to me and thinks we are 'square' now. i wrote him an email about how his actions were hurting me and that all i wanted was for us to be able compromise. i know that this is so over and i just want to rid myself of him. but he still plans on coming to my best friend's bachelor party (who i had introduced him to) and again we can't avoid each other, as it is inevitable that we share the same friends and go to the same places. i love my friends dearly but this issue is causing me so much grief and stress. every morning i wake up feeling so angry that someone is doing this to me INTENTIONALLY. i question the loyalty of my friends who still hang out with him even though they completely sympathize with me and just think that he is '****ed up.' now i feel this conflict of going out of my way to avoid him and our mutual settings and staying home alone while my friends are together or go to the same places and just ignore him like we're 16 years old. it's completely not fair. I apologize for the length and if you've read this far, thank you for your time. I guess I was hoping that if any of you out there had gone through something mildly similar- how did you deal? OR any thoughts on how i could be the better person in this situation. i don't want to be angry or bitter, or put our mutual friends in an uncomfortable position. thank you gratefully
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