Do you think MM are more fickle than MW or is it the nature of the beast

[delirious]

Question for MM, or OW who have experienced this. Having talked to other OW and read on LS, I think that MM are more fickle than MOW or OW in their feelings. [i am not talking about sex either, the ones that say anything to get you into bed or anything you need to hear.] I am talking about the ones who have never done affairs before, that can't cope very well. I am talking about really hot and cold on and off. I know after over one year, I am so confused and I really should not put up with it but am interested to hear from MM who can't cope with their feelings, as it seems to me. I thought it was just him, but I think it is a common problem with MM. For example,sometimes he is so desperate to see me (not for sex) and then makes an arrangement for the next day and then WHAM he is like we were conspiring to murder someone, he is jumping about like a crazy man. I think I am much more in control of my feelngs than he is. Could be the guilt yes, but after all this time, surely he would have a better handle on it? And why the hell can't he make a decision and stick to it?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

For example,sometimes he is so desperate to see me (not for sex) and then makes an arrangement for the next day and then WHAM he is like we were conspiring to murder someone, he is jumping about like a crazy man.

 

Could it be fear of getting caught? Is he much of a risk taker in other areas of his life or is he fairly cautious?

[carhill]

I was/am cautious in the anal extreme and it didn't stop me. Once I made the decision, actions were deliberate.

 

My bet is the guy (not all guys, drawing the distinction) is emotionally unstable or has emotional issues in general. Also, he could be playing (consciously or unconsciously) a game to keep you on the hook. If you take away his words, then analyze his actions, you'll have your truth, IMO.

[2sure]

My own experience as an OW was that MM wanted a steady, reliable , sure thing. They wanted it because they wanted some kind of "relationship", special friendship and because they felt safer with one person than jumping around. Far easier to use discretion with one long term partner.

 

My experience as a BS shows me that to some MM, the sex is boring after exactly two times and the conversation comes to a halt as soon as a woman starts talking about herself, not him.

[carhill]

Perhaps that's the difference, one between using the OW and caring for her. Also, it could be the difference between a one-time cheater and a serial cheater. OP, when you talk about ones 'who have never done affairs before and can't cope well', are you talking about someone who hasn't yet trained their mind to process the psychology of infidelity in a compartmentalized way? That's different than being emotionally unstable. They may be battling their conscience.

[Spark1111]

I think, based on what I have read, that a man may experience MORE emotional conflict in an affair -- one where they do have feelings for the OW, but still have feelings for their wife, especially if they lack the ability to compartmentalize their actions.

 

Psychologists believe that when a woman has an affair, it is almost (not always) for emotional reasons. She feels very justified and less guilty because "she fell in love." Hence, she experiences LESS guilt because her emotions just got swept away.

[delirious]

Perhaps that's the difference, one between using the OW and caring for her. Also, it could be the difference between a one-time cheater and a serial cheater. OP, when you talk about ones 'who have never done affairs before and can't cope well', are you talking about someone who hasn't yet trained their mind to process the psychology of infidelity in a compartmentalized way? That's different than being emotionally unstable. They may be battling their conscience.

 

I suppose I should be glad that he is not a competent liar but neither am I. However he does not seem able to cope very well and more so since the last month or so of the whole year. He is always saying how much he likes to be with me, but it is like when he appears to want more, he is scared and more guilty and backs out at the last minute.

 

DI are you there? Tell me how it was with you. Any more MM please?

[delirious]

I think, based on what I have read, that a man may experience MORE emotional conflict in an affair -- one where they do have feelings for the OW, but still have feelings for their wife, especially if they lack the ability to compartmentalize their actions.

 

Psychologists believe that when a woman has an affair, it is almost (not always) for emotional reasons. She feels very justified and less guilty because "she fell in love." Hence, she experiences LESS guilt because her emotions just got swept away.

 

Yes exactly Spark, I do not feel as guilty as I love him completely but if he felt that guilty why would he make the arrangements in the first place, all this toing and froing with your heart that MM do, and I have read it here, really is devastating and I really don't think he is a player, it is just he does not handle it at all very well emotionally now. I mean this guy really went for me big time in front of his wife (yes I know no points for that) and now, he is scared of his own shadow:(

[delirious]

My own experience as an OW was that MM wanted a steady, reliable , sure thing. They wanted it because they wanted some kind of "relationship", special friendship and because they felt safer with one person than jumping around. Far easier to use discretion with one long term partner.

 

My experience as a BS shows me that to some MM, the sex is boring after exactly two times and the conversation comes to a halt as soon as a woman starts talking about herself, not him.

 

Sorry 2 Sure I don't understand what the last para means. We have been together for a year and the sex is anything but boring and I rarely talk about myself, so your experience as a betrayed spouse as told to you by a married man or what? Because if your WH told you that, I am sure he was a serial cheater and that is not what I am talking about.

[foreal]

Sorry 2 Sure I don't understand what the last para means. We have been together for a year and the sex is anything but boring and I rarely talk about myself, so your experience as a betrayed spouse as told to you by a married man or what? Because if your WH told you that, I am sure he was a serial cheater and that is not what I am talking about.

 

Hi Delirious.

 

I can't speak for 2Sure, just from my own experience. That you rarely talk about yourself is one thing that keeps MM interested, keeps him coming back for more:

me me me me me me meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, that is the MM mantra.

 

As for the sex... you said in your original post, ..."sometimes he is so desperate to see me (not for sex) and then makes an arrangement for the next day and then WHAM he is like we were conspiring to murder someone, he is jumping about like a crazy man."....

 

me me me me me me meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee mantra. It's alllllll about HIM and how he feels when he knows you are there just waiting to listen to him w/ rarely a mention of yourself.

[2sure]

I guess thats its it. The biggest thing is, when trying to figure out the whys and the reasons for MM's behavior...dont even consider your own actions and responses...because to be honest, cheaters dont think of anyone but themselves. If they consider others at all, its more in the form of how you make HIM feel.

 

As to your question - why the back and forth? He is a drama queen. The classic pull em close and then push em away. All about him.

[jennie-jennie]

While some MMs might be very much into themselves, not all of them are. My MM knows every little detail of my life. I tell him everything. We talk for hours every day.

[grogster]

Based on my single affair with a MW, while I was a MM, I was much more ambivalent about the cheating than she.

 

The MW, then a close friend and colleague at work, pursued me and engineered the affair: dancing, drinks, private conversations, sex. From the start, she was gung ho.

 

She quite enjoyed herself, and remains married to this very day. I, on the other hand, sleep alone.

 

Half a karma is better than none.

[jennie-jennie]

Delirious, the first year or so of our relationship we had oh so many rollercoasters. My MM was struggling with guilt, trying to break up with me, but never managing to do so. Finally he accepted our relationship and everything settled down, his guilt diminished as well. This could be what you are dealing with. Your MM's inner struggle between what is the right thing to do and his pull towards you.

[Tony]

I am mystified that members who put up the LAST TWELVE POSTS decided on their own to take this thread WAY, WAY, WAY, WAY OFF TOPIC with personal conversation which had nothing to do with the OP.

 

Please show some courtesy on our forums by staying on topic and respecting the person who has started the thread. Thank you.

[OWoman]

Delirious, the first year or so of our relationship we had oh so many rollercoasters. My MM was struggling with guilt, trying to break up with me, but never managing to do so. Finally he accepted our relationship and everything settled down, his guilt diminished as well. This could be what you are dealing with. Your MM's inner struggle between what is the right thing to do and his pull towards you.

 

I've seen this with MMs too - I wouldn't describe it as "fickleness" but more inner turmoil as they battle between what their superego (and reading of What Society Expects) tells them ("stay faithful to your W") and what their heart / hormones tell them ("you can't pass this up!"). While it must be tough for you, it's a "good sign" in that it means

 

* he's not a habitual "cheat"

* he's fully aware of the costs and consequences of his actions - and is more likely to take responsibility for them, as a result

* he's sensitive enough to realise the impact his choices have - and, hopefully, to want to minimise pain.

 

It suggests he's unlikely to be able to sustain an A for long - that he will be forced to choose one way or the other, rather than being "stuck" for years.

 

Good luck - I hope things work out for you, whichever way.

[delirious]

THanks OW, and Jennie - I really needed to hear that, I am really suffering at the moment, waiting to know if he will finish it again because of his emotions.

Thanks Tony, as to the BSs who took over this post, I know you cannot believe this, but we DO suffer as a result of falling hopelessly in love with inappropriate men. So you can relax as we get our Karma that way, there is really no need for revenge.

[Heather1]

I'm in the exact same boat....it's REALLY hard!! I find myself saying "OK" all the time. It's like Charlie Brown w/ the football, I show up or get excited about seeing him & he bails last minute out of guilt. I can't get mad or say anything, because we're married. So I don't know, it''s just how it is I guess. One thing I noticed is that he likes the fact I'm not moody & just accept this all. We go back & forth as friends after every encounter. We keep having the same conversations, over & over.

Anyway, we went back to friends about a month ago & a few weeks ago I had a huge crisis w/ my Dad. He asked, about 4 days later, how that was going & I was still in the middle of it and needed someone to talk to. I asked, for the first time in 2 years, for him to call me. He didn't. So there's some truth to the meeeeee, there's truth to the guilt, there's truth to the fact that he's probably struggling and a good guy not knowing what to do. Put it all in a tumbler & figure out are his needs being met? Yep. Are yours?

I wrote him an email ending things when he didn't call me, and I haven't heard from him since. That was a few weeks ago. I'll let you know how that goes. I have to admit, being off the roller coaster has been a nice break & I'm glad it was me who said something first so I'm not freaking out.