Relationship strained with infidelity continues to have intimate problems

[euroxx]

Hi, I'm obviously new here and I'm looking for a little.. well... a lot of help with my situation.

 

I met the girl through a friend. It was a "love at first sight" type of thing for me, gorgeous girl, fantastic personality, etc. Everything clicked. She had hinted that she was bi-sexual when we got together, however it seemed like she shared my views on sex (waiting a little bit, not having relations 8 times a week, etc.) so I kinda waived it off.

 

Well, on down the road things got serious and I had moved in with her in her parents home (parents recently lost their jobs, I was there to help with the mortgage until they got back on thier feet.) I allowed the girlfriend to drop me off at work daily and take my truck to her job. Well one day after work she drove that same truck to an ex-boyfriends house for sex. He told me, not her and we broke up. A couple weeks later we reconciled only to break up twice more because of flirtatious texts from another ex-boyfriend. The most recent break-up was 5 months ago.

 

Now a month ago she sent me an email an excerpt reading:

"You were honestly the best thing that did ever happen to me just like everyone said but because of my weakness I refused to see it and felt the need to crush it under my feet. I know there was a lot of lying and deceitfulness to the point where it is not able to be undone and I know I can not take anything back but I can change my future."

 

We've gotten back together and now things have been different, I am having the normal trust issues, etc. However every time I've gotten suspicious (It's soo easy to attach cheating to legitimate activities.) I've been proven wrong. So I'm slowly getting a little more comfortable in that department.

 

Now here's my problem. She sent a mutual "mentor" an e-mail explaining her current problem

"I have deleted all those people from my life that were just there for that one thing because I am making a huge change in my ways. I am starting to get antsy again and keeping to myself (not in the hiding sense). If it makes any sense, I feel as if I am getting defensive. When I am wanting intimacy, I am trying to turn to him for that like I am supposed to but I find myself pulling away and I don't know why. I have had this problem from the beginning which would explain my poor behavior of looking else where for something that should have been in my relationship. I am having the feeling of restriction and that is not something that I handle well. I am not saying that he is holding me back what

so

ever. I know he is really subconscious about his appearance and his performance in the bed

so

this is something that I try not to bring up to him."

 

She doesn't come to me at all for intimacy and I'm clueless as to why. Can anyone offer some help? It seems as though she's wanting to work through this, but at the same time I don't even know where to start.

[freestyle]

A good start would be IC for her. You'll need the patience of a thousand saints to stick with her while she`s going through it, also...........

 

Ask yourself if it`s really worth it, given her track record so far.......

 

Do you really want to stay with someone who`s already demonstrated that they have no compunctions about lying to you ? Remember, she didn`t confess to the first (as far as you know) episode. You heard from the other party. If he hadn't told you, well..........I'm wondering if you'd still be in the dark...........

 

Sounds to me like she`s not sitting in her own driver's seat.Until she is,

she`s not going to be good relationship material.(you can't love someone else until you love yourself)

[2sure]

Married 4 years to a serial cheater. He is otherwise a great guy, good father, etc. He cheats randomly, it doesnt "mean" anything to him but it appears I do not mean enough to him to stop or he simply cannot.

 

I have no idea what caused him to be this way. And I cant worry about that because now I have to go about repairing the mess he made of me.

 

I know its an intimacy thing, like your gf. The sex between us recently has been infrequent and not that great. After learning about the scope of his infidelity...and his going to therapy...the problem seems to lie somewhere in the fact that he avoids real intimacy. Worse, what I think is that he prefers NON intimacy. Maybe intimacy even turns him off , which is what I think. There is no place for a husband wife relationship in his sex life.

 

She might if she works really hard, be able to figure out WHY she is like this. But the WHY doesnt change or solve the problem.

 

BAIL! BAIL!BAIL!

[euroxx]

A good start would be IC for her. You'll need the patience of a thousand saints to stick with her while she`s going through it, also...........

 

Ask yourself if it`s really worth it, given her track record so far.......

 

Do you really want to stay with someone who`s already demonstrated that they have no compunctions about lying to you ? Remember, she didn`t confess to the first (as far as you know) episode. You heard from the other party. If he hadn't told you, well..........I'm wondering if you'd still be in the dark...........

 

Sounds to me like she`s not sitting in her own driver's seat.Until she is,

she`s not going to be good relationship material.(you can't love someone else until you love yourself)

 

I've wondered about whether or not she would've told me a lot. But in the grand scheme of things, it's 50/50. So therefore it seems to be a worthless thing to dwell on.

 

In the past she's had no problems lying, this is very true. However I've decided that one more time I will give it a shot so in this sense, I need to be willing to look at it as though she is capable of change, which she is.

 

Married 4 years to a serial cheater. He is otherwise a great guy, good father, etc. He cheats randomly, it doesnt "mean" anything to him but it appears I do not mean enough to him to stop or he simply cannot.

 

I have no idea what caused him to be this way. And I cant worry about that because now I have to go about repairing the mess he made of me.

 

I know its an intimacy thing, like your gf. The sex between us recently has been infrequent and not that great. After learning about the scope of his infidelity...and his going to therapy...the problem seems to lie somewhere in the fact that he avoids real intimacy. Worse, what I think is that he prefers NON intimacy. Maybe intimacy even turns him off , which is what I think. There is no place for a husband wife relationship in his sex life.

 

She might if she works really hard, be able to figure out WHY she is like this. But the WHY doesnt change or solve the problem.

 

BAIL! BAIL!BAIL!

 

Don't have to look TOO hard to find reasoning. She was pregnant two years back with twins (father wanted nothing to do with them.) She carried them to term, however, they were both stillborn (died en-route to the hospital) She also has a father that has had nothing to do with her. He talks to her brothers all the time, however when she calls, he doesn't even return it.

 

It's funny that you say he may prefer non-intimacy. It seems like she's scared of it sometimes, like I dunno, everything is great except for that area.

[mark982]

eoroxx,run like your azz is on fire. se doesn't deserve your love or trust.

[Bryanp]

I think you are very foolish to remain with a woman who has constantly cheated on you in the past. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. You seem like a nice guy so why don't you look for someone else who has the same values as your, knows how to be in a relationship and does not have the enormous baggage that she has. I really feel you would have to be almost masochist to stay with this woman after what she has done to you.

[euroxx]

While most people here may think it's foolish to remain with someone who has cheated, etc. That's fine and your opinion. But every situation is different and love unfortunately isn't always easy. My father cheated on my mother after 3 years of marriage, they stayed together and worked through it and have now been married 26 years last month. It's possible.

 

People can change and it's worth it to me to give her the chance to. I love her and I know on some level she does me as well.

 

What I'm looking for is advice in helping the progression and getting through our intimate troubles.

 

Now as far as I know she's never sought therapy and counseling for the events I've listed. Should I be pursuing that with her?

[freestyle]

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Therapy and extensive self-examination are the only things that are going to bring about changes in her.

 

I don't subscribe to the "once a cheater,always a cheater" outlook.I do believe that some souls can evolve, nothing is impossible.

 

If you're willing to stick it out with her, it may be the factor that tips the balance for her evolution.

 

If you choose that course, however, I feel that you're well within your rights to lay down ground rules.The onus is on her to regain your trust, so she needs to:

 

1. Offer you complete transparancy(emails. texts, phone records)

 

2. Accountability for her whereabouts

 

3.Acknowledgement and accountability for the pain she`s already caused you.She has to own up.........and show genuine remorse

 

 

This means you have to play the role of the prison warden, or hall monitor.

 

Please realize what you're signing up for.

[Javelin]

What I'm looking for is advice in helping the progression and getting through our intimate troubles.

 

Now as far as I know she's never sought therapy and counseling for the events I've listed. Should I be pursuing that with her?

 

Honestly? I don't think she's into you the same way that you are into her.

 

Yes, you are a good person.

Yes, you are a good boyfriend.

Yes, you listen..

Yes, you follow the boyfriend code of ethics...

 

But, for some reason, that's just not enough for some people and it really seems like the both of you are dragging out a relationship that just won't work. The evidence is there as well, she's already looked else where twice and acted upon it once! Even now, after all the hardship, it seems as though she's going to relapse once again.

 

Having said that, I would seriously suggest that you evaluate your relationship with her.

[Hkizzle]

Read my sig.....

[whichwayisup]

If she can fix herself by doing counselling, then maybe she's worth another shot.. Problem is, as things stand now she has a learned behaviour, to bail and cheat when she starts to feel ansty.

 

Her being bisexual could have something to do with this too - NOT saying all bisexuals can't stay faithful, but in her case, being committed to ONE person isn't her cup of tea.

 

She has trust issues, intimacy issues and the best thing you can do for you is let her go, fix herself, and then talk again in the future, see if what you have is worth starting up again.

 

If you stay, she's going to hurt you again.. Saying she won't cheat and she's changing is one thing, putting it into action is another. The email is a red flag, enough that should make you really think about WHY you want to stay with her..

[Arabella]

 

Her being bisexual could have something to do with this too - NOT saying all bisexuals can't stay faithful, but in her case, being committed to ONE person isn't her cup of tea.

 

Please, do not associate bisexuality with promiscuity or with having a difficult time remaining committed. I am bisexual and I have never in my life entertained the notion of cheating on the person I was committed to - male or female. The sole idea of doing so literally makes me sick.

 

I realize a lot of bisexual people cheat - but that is merely a characteristic they have in common. They also have in common the fact that they are crappy people with loose morals. That is the true reason of their cheating - not their bisexuality.

 

On topic: For as long as you keep being her safety net and allowing her to come back to you with promises, she will keep doing it. She needs to learn what its like to lose you before she will really change. If she does it again, break it off and go NC. If a few months down the road you still want her back, then proceed cautiously... but only after she's had time to reflect and experience the loss of not having you in her life.

 

Arabella