FrozenFlame Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Oh my, my heart needs a tourniquet...I'm new here. So profoundly happy to have found this site as I feel it will be a refuge for quite some time. Stats: I am a 38 year old woman - married 8 years - 4 year old twins - one of whom has bravely fought cancer for a year (chemo, transplants - in remission now), turned our world upside down..husband turned into a functional alc...we haven't made love in 3 years and I have tried....therapy etc....I have tried it all..anything to make a marraige work..he has not. I live for my kids anymore..anything to make them happy as they deserve!!! I forgot about my needs/wants etc and gave it all to my twins..everyone thinks I am mary freaking poppins..My husband wants to live in his own world of warcraft despite all my efforts to engage him back into our family. But there is another side to me...I am an artist, I work from home for now, I make good money. After evening when the kids go to bed I get on facebook, but it was never until I met HIM that my life changed almost 2 years ago. HIM and I met because we both played stupid Mafia Wars game applications at night and had added each other. Never let it be said..that an internet contact can't lead to anything real!!! Within a week of contacting each other to play this dumb application we both enjoyed..our worlds changed. All our likes/interests/hobbies/everything was aligned...we laughed about all our similiarities at first. Completed each other's sentances in the silliest of ways....same favorite abstract movies... wow...then we noticed each other pics....we are both marathon runners and really into fitness which our spouses are not. For the first 3 months we chatted as friends..from 9PM - 12PM EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for 3 months. His wife never cared what he was doing--neither did my husband...He has been married 15 years..2 children 12 & 8..he and wife are both med professionals that live 5 hours away from me. We both always questioned..why are you here??!! Him - his wife just didn't need him..care for him anymore..she had her own stuff going on...Me..I am incredibly lonely..married to a functional alc. lawyer..no one would ever know... Eventually..we told each other all our deepest darket secrets..for months...Every night from 9 -1 sometimes 3...we chatted..he would call every other day and we have..no kidding about 10,000 emails from the lsat year. I am in so deep I can't function without him it seems. I have never ever in my life that I am so compatible with...and it terrifies me..that he is MY ONE..and is not meant to be mine..I don't want to take him. I truly don't..unless he WANTS to come..which he does not After 9 months of crazy lust filled talk..we decided to meet. He came to my town for a concert..and it was just as we thought..MIND BLOWING....and since that month..he has come to see me every 2 weeks..and there has still never been a night go by we have not talked until the other day..after over a year..even in vacations. He says he loves me..convinced we are soul mates. Told me for over a year...he was terribly as unhappy as I..would give everything up for love...told me he wanted to have children with me!!!! I can hardly deal with it anymore. I have tried to go NC 3 times..but we can never make it past 2 days Says he can't leave..he is "predominant" in his town...kids in catholic private schools, country club members etc. everyone knows him etc...Meanwhile, I can't stop thinking about him..not for a second. I need help. I try to go NC.. can't do it..I feel like he is my best friend..I want to tell HIm everything about my day and NOT DH whom I loathe anymore....he says he wants my kids, me, his kids and OUR kids...but refuses to move past saying this! .I am so depressed, I cry myself to sleep everynight. Please wake me up..he will never leave and I am horrible We cry on the phone together. Is he faking this? I hate myself! How have I become this woman! Please help me be strong and leave him alone and help me move on for our families sake!
ednadean Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I don't know if he's faking it dear --- but if he is so narcissistic that he wants to keep you a secret because of "what people will think" -- while ALsO crying about it as well -- that just looks a little suspicious to me. There are connections that we make with other people in the world that are quite powerful -- but sometimes it's just that. A connection. It doesn't mean that it therefore ALLOWS an affair. Also -- MM are FAMOUS for toting out the "we're soulmates" and "we're meant to be together" etc etc etc. For all you know, he might be augmenting his similarities to you just to rope you in further. In regards with your H -- you've got to ascertain whether your Relationship is so damaged that the only solution is a divorce. This has to be a consideration APART from your AP [affair partner]. Personally -- it sounds like AP wants something on the side with you -- and is being quite honest upfront that that's all it is [e.g. he's so important in his community etc etc]. Also -- because you don't see too much of AP, you don't really know what it's like with his wife. This forum is replete with MMs who have spun that line and actually had o.k. marriages. At least -- o.k. enough to stick with her when things got serious...or the OW went a little "crazy". Be careful with your heart. 95% of OW's get hurt!!!!
lkjh Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Yes hes faking it and right now you should be more worried about betraying your family instead of trying to break up another one. Marriage is life long and over the years(30+) you will have bad years. If you work through these years you will end up happy. You picked a different one, one that has not made you a OW. Your misery right now is your own doing.
JumpinJimmy Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 FF, the part were he said "Says he can't leave..he is "predominant" in his town...kids in catholic private schools, country club members etc. everyone knows him etc.." is not a good sign. As a fomer OM to a MW,the BS detector is going off as I said similiar late night and clandestine meeting heart to heart things that you have heard. Multiple hour conversations, same hobbies, SO doesn't care, I'm lonely too, the best long term relationships start off as friends first, your my soulmate, gaze into your eyes and say I love you, I want you to have my children, yada yada yada.... it is all part of the same package to get her in bed. They are just words. I didn't mean any of them, and she believed every one of them. After we got involved in a PA, she said she would leave her husband and children (which I did not want right away, but in the future), she said she wanted to move into together after I tossed my SO ( I said I was going to, but had zero intentions),then WE said that we would get married and start a family. Everytime that she seemed like she was going to take care of her end, I would back her off a little, only to lie to her all over again to get a few more weeks of sex. Later, when it came right down to it and she left her husband and kids (shocking me to hell), and it was my turn, I said" do I know you?" in front of my GF at the time. I said anything to get her and keep her as the OW, and lied about 99% of it...... Now, I am not saying that he is me and some of his story may be true, but if he is already telling you he won't leave his wife, then most likely he means it. What do you really know about him? Have you checked up on any of his claims? Have you caught him in any inconsistencies? Has he cheated before? Before you act, you have to confirm everything that he says, and then ask yourself "is he worth everything in my life this far?"....... If you really think he is the one, then call his bluff, tell him you are moving out for a trial seperation and see how he reacts. You might see some indications of deceiving you then, as that is only time that the OW I was involved in suspected that I didn't mean what I said. Whispering sweet nothings in your ear are called that for a reason, they sound sweet but they mean nothing.
2sure Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 As to his and yours current social status, family life, reputations, careers, and finances.... It matters not a whit if he leaves his wife or not. All of those things are going to be affected in SPADES when you get caught. And you will.
Heather1 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Put OM to the side & decide whether you want to be married. If you decide on a divorce, do it because your relationship isn't working, not to dive in w/ OM. My A was a huge wake up call to my M. There's such a thing as exit affairs. Jimmy....I love your honesty, thank you.
ednadean Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 FF, the part were he said "Says he can't leave..he is "predominant" in his town...kids in catholic private schools, country club members etc. everyone knows him etc.." is not a good sign. As a fomer OM to a MW,the BS detector is going off as I said similiar late night and clandestine meeting heart to heart things that you have heard. Multiple hour conversations, same hobbies, SO doesn't care, I'm lonely too, the best long term relationships start off as friends first, your my soulmate, gaze into your eyes and say I love you, I want you to have my children, yada yada yada.... it is all part of the same package to get her in bed. They are just words. I didn't mean any of them, and she believed every one of them. After we got involved in a PA, she said she would leave her husband and children (which I did not want right away, but in the future), she said she wanted to move into together after I tossed my SO ( I said I was going to, but had zero intentions),then WE said that we would get married and start a family. Everytime that she seemed like she was going to take care of her end, I would back her off a little, only to lie to her all over again to get a few more weeks of sex. Later, when it came right down to it and she left her husband and kids (shocking me to hell), and it was my turn, I said" do I know you?" in front of my GF at the time. I said anything to get her and keep her as the OW, and lied about 99% of it...... Now, I am not saying that he is me and some of his story may be true, but if he is already telling you he won't leave his wife, then most likely he means it. What do you really know about him? Have you checked up on any of his claims? Have you caught him in any inconsistencies? Has he cheated before? Before you act, you have to confirm everything that he says, and then ask yourself "is he worth everything in my life this far?"....... If you really think he is the one, then call his bluff, tell him you are moving out for a trial seperation and see how he reacts. You might see some indications of deceiving you then, as that is only time that the OW I was involved in suspected that I didn't mean what I said. Whispering sweet nothings in your ear are called that for a reason, they sound sweet but they mean nothing. jimmy. you gotta give us more why did you do it? was it just the sex? i.e were you not getting any from you SO? Or was it just the thrill of the chase? OR what?. Why didn't you, for example, cheat on your SO with a single girl -- was it the added forbidden thing?
JumpinJimmy Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 I was 23, she was 30. The SO was fufilling me sexually by far, but when a man is that age there is virtually no way to get too much. So, it was initially the thrill and curiosity, and then snowballed into alot of drama with a marriage burned to the ground. I know that I said alot of BS to get her, but her marriage had issues so I didn't have to push to much. At the time, my thoughts were I am not the one committing adultery, so why do I care? Fast forward some years, and I am married with children of my own and a certain degree of guilt is beginning to manifest itself, where at the time I felt none whatsoever. I certainly hope my story can poke FF into not leaving a marrige to be with a man even remotely like I was.
Recommended Posts