Uncertain about the situations

[forrest]

Hello, I've been dating my current gf for about half a year now. There are a few issues that I am uncomfortable with and uncertain about in regards to our relationship and I just wanted to hear people's opinions on it. Mostly about what I am feeling and my opinion about the situations.

 

The first situation just occurred recently. My gf got an invitation to go to the east coast (we are on the west coast) for a wedding. Apparently, the invitation was from a good friend of hers (whom I am just hearing about) and she really wants to attend. Of course, travel is not going to be cheap as she would need to shell out for air, hotel and car. She would also need to take at least some vacation from work. She asked me to go with her to the wedding, and so far I haven't really given her a firm response (she just got the invitation and the wedding is in about a month). But, I've pretty much let it known that I do not want to go. Firstly, because I just got back from vacation with her where I paid for the hotel and car, secondly, the trip would cost a good amount of money as well and would require me to take time of from work. Finally, I just don't really want to go. I don't know anyone who will be at the wedding and I am pretty sure I am not going to have a good time. So is it fair of her to be pissed of at me in regards to the above situation?

 

The second situation is that I recently purchased a home. My gf and I will be moving in together in a couple of months, and thus I am in the process of looking for new furniture. The problem is that we don't exactly agree on the furniture that should be put in the different rooms, and I am feeling that my gf is being very controlling about my money. We are not married, so I don't tell her what she should and should not do with her money. Its hers, she earned it, so she should spend it the way she wants. That also means that I should be allowed to do what I want with mine right? So if I want to by a particular furniture to put in my house then she shouldn't start a fight with me about it right? Or am I being way too selfish?

 

Thanks,

Forrest

 

fyi, I am not sure if it matters, but we are in our mid-twenties

[Neutrino]

It sounds like your questioning the decision to move in together - maybe your hangups on the wedding and the furniture are just symptoms...

 

If you really don't want to go - tell her that - explain why, I can understand her disappointment on one hand - she probably wants to show off her BF... Anyway - try this (if you wish) : tell her your are financially tight right now, having paid for the last vacation on your own and buying house / furniture and the likes (what part of those is she paying ?), ask her if she can pay for this trip, see how she responds.

 

You are going to learn some things about your GF soon - whether you go to the wedding (from her friends you have not yet met) or from her responses.

 

Keep us posted

[forrest]

Hey Neutrino,

 

Thanks for the quick response. I am questioning the decision to move in together, but its really been about her attitude about the move. I mean, I've been spending a lot of time with her at her place and love doing so. But, I feel like she already thinks we are married and thus goes about make financial decisions for the both of us. Instead of blowing my money on toys or fast cars, I spent a lot of time saving up so I could get a place of my own and design it around my needs and wants.

 

In regards to the whole marriage thing, I guess I need to explain a bit more about myself. I am not completely introverted, I handle social situations fine as long as I know the people I am with pretty well. But if you drop me into a large group where I don't know anyone, I would most likely end up like a mouse (unseen and unheard). My gf is the completely opposite, she can befriend pretty much anyone. So for me, spending half a grand to go to a wedding where I am just a +1 and where I won't really enjoy myself, and at a time when I am going to get really busy with work and thus won't really have much time for a vacation, doesn't make sense to me.

[jeepchick]

While I come down on your side on both of these issues, I don't think it really matters "who is right."

 

What matters is, if you can't afford (financially and time-wise) to go to the wedding with her, you can't afford it. End of story.

 

Second, if you two are planning on living together (in "YOUR" house), I strongly suggest you have a good long talk before she moves in about how bills will be paid, who pays what expenses, what her contribution should be, if any, toward your mortgage, and division of labor. It seems clear that you two have a very different idea about money - as in, you think your money is yours, her money is hers; and she thinks your money is "ours." If you don't have this conversation and come to some sort of mutually acceptable agreement or compromise you are in for one hell of a bad time.

 

I also understand that this is your house, that you are paying for, and that you worked hard to attain; your territorial attitude makes perfect sense to me, especially since you're the one purchasing the furniture. However, you want her to be comfortable and feel welcome in your space don't you?

 

Is this move coming along with a discussion about where your relationship is going? I mean, if you're talking about getting married, maybe you need to let her make a few of the decisions, because then it would be her house also, regardless of who's paying the mortgage.

 

Maybe you could compromise by letting her choose paint/accessories/certain rooms or something like that.

[Neutrino]

Hey Neutrino,

 

Thanks for the quick response. I am questioning the decision to move in together, but its really been about her attitude about the move. I mean, I've been spending a lot of time with her at her place and love doing so. But, I feel like she already thinks we are married and thus goes about make financial decisions for the both of us. Instead of blowing my money on toys or fast cars, I spent a lot of time saving up so I could get a place of my own and design it around my needs and wants.

 

In regards to the whole marriage thing, I guess I need to explain a bit more about myself. I am not completely introverted, I handle social situations fine as long as I know the people I am with pretty well. But if you drop me into a large group where I don't know anyone, I would most likely end up like a mouse (unseen and unheard). My gf is the completely opposite, she can befriend pretty much anyone. So for me, spending half a grand to go to a wedding where I am just a +1 and where I won't really enjoy myself, and at a time when I am going to get really busy with work and thus won't really have much time for a vacation, doesn't make sense to me.

 

So.... do you think that when you get married you automatically give up the right to make your own financial decisions...?

 

Of course you have to be responsible with your cash - blowing it all away on consumables is stupid - there are reasonable ways to have a nice fast car AND savings in the bank.... This is a totally different issue and is even more relevant if you are single (so depending on one income).

 

Social skills : although it has absolutely nothing to do with this specific wedding, there is only one way to turn strangers into "people you know".... Get to know them....

 

If your vacation days from work are up, then the decision is pretty much made for you... But on financial issues you should get things settled right away. If your GF finds you irresponsible with money and really has some improvements to offer - I would be open to listening (which still doesn't mean you must follow what she says) but nobody can make your decisions for you. How is your GF at managing her own money ? Is she responsible with her income and spending ? I think you should find out more before you move in together with someone who may have or cause financial problems.....

 

Let me just add : if the 2 of you are going to live together - the place should not only be what YOU want and need - it is also hers, however - this also means she should pay her share.... You will have to make those decisions together - if already at this stage you are having problems - maybe you should not move in together - at least at this stage....

[forrest]

jeepchick: Of course I want to her to feel comfortable, and I have no problems with her letting pick (certain) furniture and paint (in fact she was the one that chose the color for the carpets even though I didn't really agree). The main issue that I am having problems is is that I feel like she was taking over all the decisions in regards to the house. I felt like I was a Homedepot/Lowes guys taking notes down on what furniture she wanted and where it was going to be located. Also I don't know how we would/should resolve disagreements in the buying furniture. For instance, she wants furniture a while I want furniture b, and neither of us wants to budge, so what then?

 

In regards to the wedding, I do have vacation days, as well as more than enough in savings to make the trip...but it doesn't negate the fact that it is expensive and not something I want to do. So should I just give and go just because it is something she wants? What about other situations? When do I just say "Sorry"? And what happens if the roles are reversed (which there have been a few occasions where I wanted to do something and she didn't. In fact, one of the occasions the activity was actually free).

 

Neutrino: We are both very financially confident and responsible. We have discussed how we are going to split expenses as well (although a lot of the details have not been ironed out).

 

I did talk to her recently for a couple of hours about the above situations. We haven't resolved all the issues, but I think we took that first step

[Neutrino]

Forrest - it sounds like quite a lot has not yet been ironed out....

 

if you really love each other and you see a future with this woman - talk to her openly, tell her you feel you're being pushed (maybe she is not even aware of it ?), discuss it with her just like you describe it here, if this is going to be your partner for at least a few good years - better make sure you can talk openly, if you can not work things out - better know it now....

 

On the humor side : trade her some furniture for the wedding....LOL

 

On a more serious note - when my partner and I realized we were in love and wanted to be together longer-term, I suggested "the experiment" after we sorted out through lists of house-chores, expenses, hobbies, space, food preferences and found compatible, he moved in with me for a fixed period of 6 months. We marked on the calendar the due-date 6 months later to have a meeting (for which we reserved the time in advance, with notes and lists and no distractions), it worked out quite well. The most important thing was : until "the experiment" was completed and agreed on as successful by both, he kept his own appartment.

 

I know it sounds like more business than pleasure - but IMO a relationship is also a business deal. Getting through the business thoroughly now - will give you the pleasure later .