whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I've been keeping quiet because he's still out of town. I guess he'll email me tommorow. I will talk to him thru email since that's how we communicate. I think if possible I'd want to still talk to him, as friends. I know most on here think NC is the way to go,but i saw one person on here, cant remember the name,but her and her xmm still talk. I think I could be friendly with him and still make it clear that I won't be involved with him.. After all we've only kissed 3 times and hardly ever see each other. The emotional affair has to stop I understand that but I do want to remain civil.. I hope it can happen, if not then we ignore each other. Thanks for asking. No. You cannot be friends. The EA will just continue on. All that will do is mess you up, give you hope. Also, you will NEVER allow your heart to fall, let alone meet someone else as long as this MM is in your life. Even through emails. Sadly, you may have to go through more pain to understand the friendship thing won't work.. He isn't going to respect your wishes to keep it on the straight and narrow. Plus, you DO have feelings for him so it's going to be real hard on you.
Author jennifer4 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 I hope that I can stay friends with him. I understand that may be impossible. I want to be able to move on and I think I will once we stop talking with each other in the way we've been. If I only talk to him once in a while about general topics then I'm hoping it's ok. I guess time will tell. I am definatly not going to meet with him in person again. I'll let you know what happens.
jj33 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Hes a guy you met online. Get a grip. There are TONS of guys online who would be happy to talk to you, and some of them may even be single. You have NO reason to be in touch with this guy other than lonliness. Turn it around. Look at it as a sign that if you clicked with him, you will find someone on line who is even better for you and is single. Dont allow yourself to believe that you "need" to be friends with him. You dont. He is not the last fish in the sea.
ednadean Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 I did leave out a part of the story. He said they had been having problems for awhile but he couldn't financially afford a divorce now. Yes, that could have been part of his line. I know it's foolish to think we can be together. I guess it's a slight chance if a chance at all. Just wanted to add that info,not that it really matters. oh love -- that story is as OLD as the hills. IT's a famous, typical MM line. He's on vacation with his FAMILY. Th fact that he's texting you while doing that means he's not truthful to anyone. BE CAREFUL. If he truly felt that way, he wouldn't be going on family vacations.
Author jennifer4 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 just want to clairify.. I met him at a health club-not online. we happen to communicate thru email though and rarely see each other in person..
fooled once Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 So since you rarely see him, there is no reason to be in touch. And you wanting to just be friends is you holding onto HIM; not truly wanting to be friends. You don't KNOW him well enough to be friends. I totally agree with jj --- there is very few people who can step back from an affair and 'just be friends' and I don't think you are one of those.
whichwayisup Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 just want to clairify.. I met him at a health club-not online. we happen to communicate thru email though and rarely see each other in person.. So, what's the point of continuing with him at all? If it's really just through emails, don't you think you deserve MORE? To have more or less an EA with MM online is just going to prevent you from meeting someone else, allowing another man into your heart. The friendship won't work...Even if you stop flirting and opening up with him, there's always going to be a big pink elephant in the room.. You'll question is words, meanings of those words, and most of all, you'll still have attachment to him, which inturn, will give you hope that one day he'll leave his wife and kids. It's an UNhealthy relationship, self serving, selfish, ego feeding and honestly, a big waste of your time, effort and love. I hope that I can stay friends with him. I understand that may be impossible. I want to be able to move on and I think I will once we stop talking with each other in the way we've been. If I only talk to him once in a while about general topics then I'm hoping it's ok. I guess time will tell. I am definatly not going to meet with him in person again. I'll let you know what happens. again, so what's the point of having an online affair?
jj33 Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Jen I think an online affair is a way of giving the love you want to share to "someone" putting it out there as another poster said in another thread. And feeling that warm tingle and rush of excitement every time there is new mail from him. Reading those words and feeling that someone out there loves you and appreciates you and thinks you are terrific. Its understandable to want to fulfill these needs. Everyone gets lonely. But its a band aid you put on the lonliness and you are trying to take that band aid and make it into a real relationship. Some on line affairs blossom into true love. This has DANGER written all over it. Doubt that this will be one of them.
Author jennifer4 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 He emailed me this morning, said he missed me and thought of me. Yea ok.. well I told him that I have feelings for him that don't matter. Feelings that will mean nothing because he's married. He told me he has feelings for me as well but cant promise me anything now. Maybe in the future? well, I told him this hurts and that I can't send pics anymore or flirt like we had and he agreed,he told me I deserve to be with a great man and I'll find that. He said it would be selfish of himself to not want me to find someone. He asked if I hated him, I said of course not. So I guess this is it. I hope it gets easier..
fooled once Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Sounds like he was ready to call it quits with you too. Good - now it is over and you can begin to move on and heal.
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 It's good this has happened now.. Ofcourse you're hurting and all, but it's better than a year from now.. I hope he respects you to let you go, not try to break NC. You also need to stick to the NC as well..For your own sake. Don't (well try not to!) concern yourself about his feelings/thoughts during all this, focus on your own healing and grieving.. Keep posting J. Sorry you're hurting.
Author jennifer4 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 this board has helped me alot! I appreciate the input. I'll keep you updated.
Owl Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 I've skimmed through this, so forgive me if I get something wrong. BUT...it appears that you're in an emotional relationship with this man...an EA...emotional affair. You're attracted, he's attracted.... But you want to keep it from going physical. Here's your problem...what you're doing now is GREAT...short term. But it will NOT solve your issue long term. As long as the two of you are still emailing/talking/communicating in any fashion...the EA goes on. And eventually, you'll cave and it will go PA (physical affair). If you truly want to avoid that...then you need to COMPLETELY end contact with this man (we call it NC for NO CONTACT). Anything less is just prolonging the issue...avoiding the issue...not solving it.
whichwayisup Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 4 days is too long..Do an update...I fear you've slipped backwards .. Don't do it.. Stay strong!
movingforward Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Please stick to your guns, Jen.... I've just begun NC after allowing myself to take the step that you're questioning. Please.... if you can learn from the pain of others, do NOT have an affair with this man. It will leave you with a searing pain like nothing else you have ever felt -- the pain of missing him now is NOTHING compared to the pain you will feel if you move forward in an affair and it ends (and they always end). I wish more than anything that I had been on this board before deciding to enter into my affair. I would give anything to go back and change what I have done. You may have chemistry, but it's not worth it.
Author jennifer4 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 I'm sorry for not updating..... well, he's been showing up at the gym the same time as me. sooo, we talk. it's so easy to talk to him. I know everyone thinks we aren't friends, but I feel different. We still email but there's nothing physical going on. I know an EA is just as bad, I just don't have the will power. I know I'm going to get bashed. I think each situation is different. In this case we are friends before being intimate(which has never happened) and wont. I know I'll hear "how can he be your friend" and all that, well he is.
JumpinJimmy Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 F-it Jen. Just know that his is only playing the friend role to get into your pants. It is a classic guy maneuver "the best long term relationships start off as friends first", yada yada yada...been there and used it...it works. For now, your getting the EA part, and he could care less about that part of it, and is just going through the motions. The question is, how long can you hold off the PA part?? BTW, his showing up at the gym the same time as you is not a coincidence. Good luck.
freestyle Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Danger, Danger! Warning, Warning! *arms flailing wildly* A true FRIEND would never knowingly put you through emotional hell. A FRIEND would value your peace of mind as much as their own. A FRIEND would have you integrated into their life.You would not be a "secret"-kept from their spouse.
Author jennifer4 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 I know deep down you all are right. I have been talking to a few other men and they are single. We'll see. It's all alittle much right now. I don't want to put too much into whatever it is we have. I do deserve more, but I can't help how I feel. The NC would suck and I'm not sure we could do it, I could work out later I suppose, but I shouldn't have to change my workout schedule. I'll figure it out. I appreciate the input.
NoIDidn't Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Hi Jen. Welcome to LS. I never quite understand how someone you have gone without for so long in your life before you met them evokes feelings of 'what will I do if I can't speak to them again"? What did you do before you spoke to them the first time? Go back to doing that. Good luck.
Author jennifer4 Posted September 25, 2009 Author Posted September 25, 2009 its not about what will I do if I never speak to him again. It's that I have feelings for him, however real anyones thinks these feelings are. I can try to get past it as best I can. That will be hard. I will make it though. I've been married and divorced twice, I know all about moving on.
georgia girl Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 Dear God, run and don't ever talk/email/anything this man again! You have chemistry - so what? We all have chemistry with lots of people, that doesn't mean we make a conscious decision to destroy our own lives and the lives of other people? And no, you cannot be friends with this guy. Saying you can is a copout and you know it. You're obsessed and vulnerable and he's thinking about having amazing sex with you. So, you're lying to yourself if you think you can be friends. You are in over your head. Get away from him and be single until you find another guy with whom you have amazing chemistry. Life is too short to destroy your best years in a relationship that will bring you an amazing amount of pain and disappointment, not counting the destruction of your self-esteem and your credibility. You came here before you made the biggest mistake of your life. Take a few minutes and REREAD some of those threads you've been reading. The women on those threads are frustrated, hurt, angry and sad. That's because of their relationship choices. I would never, ever condemn these women. But I do condemn the heartless SOBs that hurt them, their wives and their children all for the sake of their selfish "needs." RUN RUN RUN!!!!
Athena Posted September 25, 2009 Posted September 25, 2009 He says he cant promise me anything as far as his marriage goes. I don't think he'll divorce her Then why are you allowing yourself to be the String Along? It's not going to get you what you want! You'll get no respect, no love, no real relationship, no self-esteem, no man to yourself.
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2009 Posted September 26, 2009 So you have feelings for him.. Big deal. You were fine before he entered your life and you'll be fine without him once again. You're letting your emotions and feelings rule here.. HE IS NO FRIEND. What you two have is a selfish, self serving friendship that is hidden and away from everyone and everything. Could you honestly bring him home and introduce him as "your friend" to your family, friends and neighbours? Announce he is married but he is "your" friend. I'm sure that wouldn't go over well.. You think he'd be comfortable bringing you home, around his wife and kids, other family members, friends? Please, stop fooling yourself.. Sorry to be tough here, but you need it. You're so close to just saying f**k it, I can tell by how you're justifying this. You two never were friends...If you truly were, no lines or boundries would have been crossed..It would have stayed totally platonic with NO discussions of feelings, opening up about sex, kissing whatever. Anyway, maybe you need to hurt more, go through more pain to see that you're making a big mistake. Just because you "love" him doesn't mean you have to have him..Even in your life as a friend. It isn't healthy and it's going to cause damage to you, to him and most of all, his wife and family. Don't be a part of helping him ruin his family life. You KNOW what's what, be strong and fight it! It won't kill you..It'll hurt, you'll feel awful and sad, probably cry alot, but eventually you'll get over it. If you continue down the path you're on, getting over it will be alot harder on you! Just go read more threads here and try to learn from other women's experiences. Could save your life.
skylarblue Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 If you're having such a tough time deciding if this is something you want to pursue, maybe it's because you know it's the wrong thing for you. Humans are the only creatures that sense danger and then disregard their intuition. Try listening to what your conscious is telling. Best of luck in your decision.
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