CarbonCopy Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Don't sleep with him. It took about 4-5 months for me to sleep with my MM and I completely regret it. You have kids to think about, not just yourself. Try and get away from the situation. It won't end well, trust me.
Heather1 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I wouldn't call it a bad experience I had, it's just what happens. Men are the thrill of the chase, fact. Be careful about what he's telling you about his wife. If he's fantasizing about you, they're probably having a lot of sex.
freestyle Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Fast forward to a hypothetical possible outcome: He leaves his W to be with you. The two of you are together now. Are you going to be able to trust him? How would YOU feel if you found out he was discussing your most intimate, personal details, (your sex life), with another woman? (which is what he`s doing to his wife) Some day you could end up in her shoes.
Author jennifer4 Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 I've thought about that too. It's all too confusing. I know I got myself into this,but it's not too late to stop. I do feel terrible for his wife. I do think what if we were together? I won't lie and say I never thought we could be together. I did think about that and then realized it would not be how I imagined. I would always doubt him. He's been married for 14 yrs! That's a long time! If I was his wife it would suck. He emailed me this morning and said hope you have a good day,sorry I couldn't email you last night, I'll email you sunday when I get back. I think I'll take this opportunity to try and put him out of my mind and think of how to explain this to him. I do deserve better- I just realized I didn't get involved in this in the first place. Thanks again to everyone for the advice and comments.
Heather1 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 It'll hurt WAY more if you think there might be a shot of you together! Go in as an A, and nothing else. This isn't a normal relationship by any stretch. You'll never be entitled to your feelings, because he's married. It'll go on for as long as you agree to be in your place in his life & not rock the boat. Talk to some of your friends about this right now. You'll find yourself isolated once you start & try to protect him & his marriage. Here's one more thing, his W will have support if your busted. You will have none. You can post here, but I've been slammed a lot on this board too & felt even worse. Ask yourself what is attracting him to you? I've had this happen twice. The first time we both backed off, and I actually ended up working for his family & everything turned out great. That was about 10 years ago, and I'm SO glad he was in my life & we remained friends. My kids love him, I just love his family, etc.. With this OM, I don't know what's going to happen. I don't think it'll be happily ever after for us, and I'm starting to think everyone would pretty much hate me if they ever found out. It's a double standard, but that's a fact too. Really think through beginning, middle & end. I couldn't think when I was on that heroin type high. Maybe that's why this happens? No one can think clearly because of the stupid drug feeling.
fooled once Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 You do not KNOW this man. You have met him 3 times. You don't KNOW him. You have no idea how he behaves after a bad day at work. You have no idea how far his buttons can be pushed before he explodes. You have no idea what it is like to wake up next to him. You have no idea if he has stinky gas. You have no idea how he reacts when sick. You only know that few hours of him that you met. He could be the biggest jack ass to his wife. He could treat her like crap, which he will never admit. They haven't had sex in a couple weeks - could be because she is on her period and he won't touch her when she is on it. Could be she has had a stomach bug and the last thing she wants is to screw him. Could be she tried to have sex with him but his wee willy wouldn't stand up. You have NO IDEA why there has been no sex; except whatever he tells you. And I can guarantee you, he isn't telling you the FULL truth. He isn't going to admit he is a jerk to his wife; he isn't going to tell you that he has had several affairs. He is only going to portray himself to you a certain way; to make himself more attractive to you. You DO have control. YOU chose to flirt and go further emotionally. You can CHOOSE to not take that next step. You can CHOOSE not to take that next step. You have a choice --- and whether you decide to sleep with him or not; you are going to get hurt. Because he is NOT going to leave his wife. Period. Step away from him. Let him know it was WRONG of you to let your feelings for him turn to romantic and it was WRONG of him to let any other woman besides his wife be 'there' for him. Focus on finding out why you choose to pursue a married man.
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I think I'll take this opportunity to try and put him out of my mind and think of how to explain this to him. All you have to say is: You're married and have a life with someone already.. I can't do this anymore - I deserve better and more, and you can't ever give that to me. I refuse to be the OW and put myself in a place that's going to do damage to me, as well as to your wife and kids. It really is that simple. If he truly respects you, he'll leave you alone. If he truly LOVES you and wants to be with you, he'll divorce - Not because of you, but because he doesn't love his wife anymore and doesn't want to stay married to her reguardless if you're in his life or not.. Don't settle, and don't let him 'rope' you into believing that he 'needs' you and can't survive without you. He was FINE less than 6 months ago before the EA started, so he'll be just fine if it ends. 4 months invested in an EA isn't that much time, even though your heart may feel otherwise. Stay strong!
Author jennifer4 Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Thanks again! I do hope I can stay strong. I keep thinking how it must not be too bad of a marriage if they're off on a mini vacation right now. I know I need to stop this. We usually email at least 2 times a day. I will miss that but you're right I deserve more. I appreciate the advice more than you know.
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 You're right! His marriage is good..And he's happy.. Even HAPPIER and for selfish reasons as now he has TWO women in his life. Who wouldn't be pleased about that? What an ego feed he must be having. All this on the expense of his wife. Start looking at him in a bad light. This man said VOWS to her infront of their families and friends..She carried 2 children for 9 months each time.. And this is how he thanks her? Cheating on her? What a schmuck! Plus, imagine if he was to leave her.. Why would he treat you any better? You aren't married to him, nor have you had kids with him. I'm just happy that you ARE thinking of this, the bigger picture and looking ahead. Many OW don't take that extra time to stop and really think about it.. You're being UNselfish, and know that this situation isn't good for you in the long run. Sure, it may be fantastic in the heat of the moment, but it'll come back and bite you hard, bring you pain. You may "think" you know him, but you really don't. You know the fun and loving side.. The fantasy and affairyland fog side where it's all good, everyone gets along and gets their needs met. That is NOT real life nor is it realistic. Be proud of yourself for figuring this out now..
skywriter Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Hi Jennifer, Yes, please keep thinking about not becoming physical. You say the MM is off on a mini vacation with his family. While he's away and you find yourself missing him, please consider the upcoming holidays and how you could possibly feel if you further your connection with him. I am saying this because I have been through this and I am only 16 days out of a 3 yrs 2 months A. It is self inflicted nonsense and it can happen to anyone if you are in an emotionally vulnerable place. I know because I was a naysayer. In fact, a few yrs prior, one of my closest friends made the same mistake. I was supportive and loving towards her when the MM threw her under the bus after swearing that he was leaving his physically abusive W!We are all humans that find ourselves in places we would have never imagined we'd be in. However, you have an Army of people from every part of the world and many stories of personal experiences in this very thing pleading with you to reconsider where you go with this man.
Author jennifer4 Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Thank You! I'm sorry you're going through this. I am very glad I didn't have sex with him, I know that would make this soo much harder. He's away with just his wife. They went away a month or so ago too,but he emailed me to say he was "thinking about me" and "missed me". That felt good but he knows that's what I want to hear. I still have a tiny part of me that feels that we could be good together BUT that could only be if he were single. I don't like to share : ) Who knows, when I talk to him he may change his mind and get the divorce, I doubt it but at least he'll know that I cant be with him under these circumstances. thanks again!
skywriter Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Jennifer, I know you're saying that it can never happen unless he is single now. But sweetheart, you're a woman, and us women say no with our mouthes and the entire time we are saying yes with our hearts. You're emotions are all wrapped up in this man, so don't fool yourself. Be very careful. I said, No, and cursed the MM out, told him never,ever,call me again! He'd wait me out, give me a week or so to calm down and here he'd come again. Bottomline, he got very close to my son, and my son loves him to this day. My son doesn't know about our A, either. Once he got close to my boy, I gave him more opportunities to get close to me. I hadn't been with a man since my ex-h and that was abt almost 6 yrs of being alone, raising my kids. This particular MM is practiced at manipulating. I've learned this over time. I just wish so much that I would've had all these people to tell me, then, what I know, now. Because , the kind of woman that I am. I cannot give my body, without releasing my heart as well. I have to tell you, my heart is in absolute agony.
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Who knows, when I talk to him he may change his mind and get the divorce, I doubt it but Stop allowing yourself to think this. He isn't going to divorce, and giving yourself a hope/fantasy of the what if's is only going to make it harder on YOU to end it and walk away. He never considered leaving his wife before the A, and they have a good marriage, he certainly isn't going to leave in the future, affair or not .. Because he has a good marriage and is happy enough.
Author jennifer4 Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 I did leave out a part of the story. He said they had been having problems for awhile but he couldn't financially afford a divorce now. Yes, that could have been part of his line. I know it's foolish to think we can be together. I guess it's a slight chance if a chance at all. Just wanted to add that info,not that it really matters.
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Ok, don't leave out anymore info..It does matter.. I call total BULLCRAP. Men who are having problems in their marriage 1)don't have sex with their wives and announce it to their OW (he did tell you he had sex afew weeks ago, yes?)and they certainly don't go on holidays with them either.. They avoid. When did he tell you this? Recently or at the beginning? Chances are HIGH that he is greatly exaggerating the status of whatever 'problems' are going on at home. Don't fall for it..He's grooming you.. You just tell him the ONLY way you'll date him is when he is officially divorced and atleast 6 months to a year goes by..Only THEN will you consider it. I mean, even if he left tomorrow, or next week, would YOU really be pleased and happy? Trust is going to be an issue.. It's an (EA) affair, not a real relationship.
Author jennifer4 Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 I wouldn't date him if he divorced her today. I have thought about that,it would take a while to trust him and realize that we could be in a relationship. I wouldn't want that. Like I've said I am soo lost, this is all new to me and I know what needs to be done, but my heart says different. Thanks to this board I think I can get my point across to him without caving. He told me from the beginning and all along that they pretty much just coexist. Why the vacation? who the heck knows. I guess it's a lie. He genuinly seemed to care about how she would manage if they got a divorce and didn't want to just have sex with me,he said he wanted more. I don't know what to believe. I do know that while he's away til sunday I sit.. He shouldn't have that control over me.. My heart is with him while he's physically and emotionally with her.. I can do this.. Have to keep telling myself this!
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 He told me from the beginning and all along that they pretty much just coexist Then why did he get married? Why did they have kids? Why the holidays? HE IS LYING TO YOU!! Don't let your heart blind you.. His actions are completely opposite of what he's telling you. If he was really unhappy in his marriage, wanted out, he would indeed divorce. He says one thing but does another. You think you're confused now, if you do choose to stay in the A and make it physical, you'll feel more confused and more pain and jealously..All the meanwhile he still decides to stay married and be with his wife.
Author jennifer4 Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 I totally agree. I have feelings for him.. Feelings that I'm not going to do anything about because of the circumstances. I will deal with it. It will hurt but like everyone's told me on this board-nothing like if we were to have sex and proceed with an A. If it seems like I'm rambling- I am. I wish I could go back in time and just not get his email, phone #, anything. Cant change the past but can change the future.
whichwayisup Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Another angle to see this is..So you have feelings for him. Big deal. Just because the feelings are there, doesn't mean one helps themselves, even if it's offered to you. Because you KNOW he's married (it would be different if he lied and said he was single), you do have a choice here. Glad to hear (again) that you are more or less leaning towards the ending it side.. No good can come of this.. After you end it, block his email and block him from your phone. Don't answer if he calls, let it go to the machine.
fooled once Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Dontcha just love the "I can't get a divorce because it will hurt me financially" line. YES, people do give up money in a divorce. BUT, if the love is true, they will move MOUNTAINS to be with the one they love. MONEY comes and goes; love - true love - should be here to stay. Money would never cause me to not want to be happy. I divorced my ex when my son was small. I was PISS POOR for years; but I refused to stay in a marriage where I was miserable, but financially okay. And I wasn't even having an affair or had someone in mind to be with. I chose to be alone and poor than to be married, financially secure and MISERABLE. It will hurt, you will grieve -- but better to do it now, when you truly barely know him than to get deeper into it and waste more of your life on him.
whichwayisup Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Jennifer, how about an update? Or a vent, something so we know you haven't slipped, changed your mind, chickened out into ending this EA. Stay strong!!
Author jennifer4 Posted September 19, 2009 Author Posted September 19, 2009 I've been keeping quiet because he's still out of town. I guess he'll email me tommorow. I will talk to him thru email since that's how we communicate. I think if possible I'd want to still talk to him, as friends. I know most on here think NC is the way to go,but i saw one person on here, cant remember the name,but her and her xmm still talk. I think I could be friendly with him and still make it clear that I won't be involved with him.. After all we've only kissed 3 times and hardly ever see each other. The emotional affair has to stop I understand that but I do want to remain civil.. I hope it can happen, if not then we ignore each other. Thanks for asking.
Heather1 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 uh oh....that might be me. Let me clarify what I said, because that was a long time ago & I'm sure I left out some crucial parts. Basically, I was airlifted out of the situation. I told my H, told a mutual friend & we all worked together to get me out of a PA. Once I figured out there was mutual chemistry & attraction, I headed for the hills. I went to therapy, I had NC for about a month at a time when I felt too close. At one time I cut out our mutual friends as well so I wouldn't hear his name. I was lucky in the fact that he didn't pursue me after NC either. Plus the fact, he truly wanted me as a friend & not an affair partner. He never made a move, or told me about troubles in his M (he's now divorced). So yes, we are friends now & I have no attraction feelings for him after our EA years ago. But I had to step away several times the first couple of years to get there. Your instincts (that got you on this board) are telling you to run. The first time this happened to me, I did run & it all worked out great. I wish I would have followed my instincts the second time, 10 years later. I had several close friends pass away in a short period of time & was in a "life is short" fog. Our first kiss was the day before a funeral.
jj33 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 Forget it. Why do you want to go down this path other than that you are lonely. He said he is married, he said he cant promise you anything. Why put yourself in harms way. You have projected your romantic fantasies of the perfect partner onto this man because you have good physical chemistry and he may be a nice guy. Just forget it. Dont fall into the trap of thinking this is different There are a million guys on line trolling for a friend outside their marriage who have nothing to offer a woman who is looking for true love.
MizzBlue72 Posted September 19, 2009 Posted September 19, 2009 DON'T ADD THE SEX!!!!!!!! Seriously, I agree with what others have said here. EA's are SOOO hard, but add in the emotional element - complete mistake. This gives you one more element that makes you believe that you are great together, good together, and that you LOVE each other.
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