I'm new here

[jennifer4]

I've been reading alot of the threads here and find that I have a lot in common with you all. The one thing that seems different is that my MM and I haven't had sex....yet. We about 4 months ago. We talked and felt completely comfortable with each other. He told me he's married. He has 2 children at home. I am single with 4. We were just friends, then flirting, then emailing then sending pics. We both want to have sex but haven't been able to make time. If I'm off he's working, or vice versa. He says he cant promise me anything as far as his marriage goes. I don't think he'll divorce her anytime soon. We have amazing chemistry. I know most OW feel the same. I have told him that he's everything I'm looking for in a man, except the married part. We email each other daily, we have met 3 times about 2 months ago, all we did was kiss,but it was amazing! I've never felt like that before. Why? That's what I keep asking myself.. I know that since we havent had sex yet I can still prevent it from happening..But do I want to? I'm confused! He said he's never done anything like this before,he's nervous and I truly believe him. I have dated one other guy durring this time but then he asked me and I was honest and told him what happened. It didnt work out with the other guy and I think a big reason for that is my MM. I am sooo lost.. I know this will sound familiar to alot of you, with my friends who know, they say stay away from him.. It's not that easy..

thanks for listening..

[Devil Inside]

Welcome Jennifer.

 

I guess I am confused about what you want...I guess you are too.

 

Do you want to continue with this MM? Do you want to end things? Do you question having sex? Do you question why you have such great chemistry?

 

I can tell you...that there is more than time keeping you from having sex. When two people really want each other..they would make it work in a hurricane. So what is really keeping you? You probably have inner wisdom kicking in...because you know that once you sleep with him...your feelings will intensify...it's a biological fact...we bond through this act. So if you are at a point where you want to end this affair...then having sex will make it a whole lot harder for both of you.

 

As to why you are so attracted to him...it happens. When you have chemistry with somebody...you have it. However, consider the situation that is set up by an affair...it is unlike any other. As a MM that cheated..I can tell you...I treated my xOW like a queen. Being married I knew exactly what I wanted and the the attention I lavished onto my xOW was unlike anything she had ever experienced. You are also coming in and giving him what he lacks from his marriage...and so are in situation that usually doesn't exist outside an affair.

 

Whatever you do...make sure you are really thinking things through. I know how good it feels to allow yourself to be with someone you really are connected to...it is so tempting...but make sure to use your head. You said above that you didn't think he was leaving...so you have a good guess at where this will end.

 

Good luck.

[jennifer4]

I don't know what I want.. I want him more than I've ever wanted any man.. I also know that once we have sex, that's it. I will want more. I guess that's why nothings happened yet.. Our schedules are always busy and I guess I am sort of glad about that. I think he's still nervous, he doesnt want to get caught- neither do I. But recently he's started to say maybe we should just do it... I am old enough to know better but still this is sooo very difficult.. I guess I want to vent. I ultimatly have to make the best decision for me. thanks again

[fooled once]

what motivates you to start up something with a married father of 2 children? "amazing chemistry"?? Maybe more like the excitement of 'forbidden sex'?

 

Why? are there no other single men in your area? And you have met him three times in 2 months ..... and haven't scheduled sex in yet.

 

He has a wife and family. While I realize that obviously that isn't your commitment, but his, how would you feel if one of your kids was the spouse to him --- sitting at home while their spouse flirts and makes plans to meet up with some relative stranger to have sex? Do you have a daughter? How would you feel if you found out her one day husband was doing what the MARRIED man you are messing with is doing?

 

Do you want to crush his family? Do you want to be the cause for him to maybe one day lose his children because of 'amazing chemistry' from someone he has met 3 times in 2 months?

 

I guess I don't even understand how and/or why people cross the line. What makes it 'okay' to start flirting with a married person?

 

I don't mean to come down on you or sound judgmental -- but come on.... I can't sit here and 'support' what you are doing or encouraging you to schedule time to have sex.

 

HOW did you meet him?

 

Will you be okay being the 'dirty little secret' from his friends and family? Will you be okay being 2nd best? Will you be okay knowing he spends his holidays with his wife? Has he fed you the line of "I don't have sex with my wife" yet? And if so, do you believe it?

[ednadean]

oh dear. read some more threads please! having sex with him is a disaster -- no matter HOW much chemistry involved.

He's married with children! If he's already telling you he can't promise anything re: his marriage then he'll definitely never do anything for you. PLUS do you really want to get involved with someone who will be lying to his spouse?

 

Please -- for your own sake -- keep it EA...they hurt enough.

[jennifer4]

WOW. Thanks for the input. Forbidden sex? No, that's not why I want to be with him. If he werent married I think we'd be great together. As far as the not having sex with his wife. We've talked about that and he tells me sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. I know this is wrong, that's why nothings happened. I cant help how I feel. I can help what I do.. The reason for only meeting 3x is that we got nervous and dont want to get caught. I think it says alot about him if he's not willing to "just do it" with no thought. He says he's been thinking we should recently but I know he's still nervous and so am I. I really am lost,there is no easy way out. I'll be hurt either way. I met him at a health club. Why that matters, I'm not sure. I know its not ok to flirt with a married man, it happened though, as it does a lot as I see by reading this board. Looking back to the day we met, I should have left it at casual chit chat. It slowly progressed, and here I sit. It will work out one way or the other. thanks again for the input.

[foreal]

WOW. Thanks for the input. Forbidden sex? No, that's not why I want to be with him. If he werent married I think we'd be great together. As far as the not having sex with his wife. We've talked about that and he tells me sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. I know this is wrong, that's why nothings happened. I cant help how I feel. I can help what I do.. The reason for only meeting 3x is that we got nervous and dont want to get caught. I think it says alot about him if he's not willing to "just do it" with no thought. He says he's been thinking we should recently but I know he's still nervous and so am I. I really am lost,there is no easy way out. I'll be hurt either way. I met him at a health club. Why that matters, I'm not sure. I know its not ok to flirt with a married man, it happened though, as it does a lot as I see by reading this board. Looking back to the day we met, I should have left it at casual chit chat. It slowly progressed, and here I sit. It will work out one way or the other. thanks again for the input.

 

Flirting w/ a MM is okay. Having a R with one, when you are already emotionally involved is asking for so much pain for everyone, especially you and your children.

 

You have 4 kids. MM has 2. Do you see yourself moving in with him a la Brady Bunch? Do you think his kids would accept you once they found out you broke up their home (they will blame you, right or wrong).

 

Chemistry is great- it happens. But when you act on it with a MM, what good will that chemistry get you but sadness in the end?

 

Will you be okay with him 'sometimes' having sex with his Wife, and then having sex with you?

 

Are you okay with sleeping with him knowing he is also sleeping with his wife, if even occasionally? Imagine you two have fireworks sex, it is so damn hot you never ever thought it could be so great...where do you think he practiced that before he got to you? On occasion, perhaps his Wife?

 

Are you okay with sharing your man? With his WIFE? On occasion?

 

Do you feel you deserve better than that?

[2sure]

For a MM and a single woman to have an affair there have to be a couple of elements present.

 

The woman needs to be in a vulnerable position. Emotionally, financially, whatever. Not that he'll help you any of these problems - but the vulnerability needs to be there...because Strong and independent woman dont date Married Men. Period.

 

Next, the MM MUST seem to the single woman like a knight in shining armor. For both her and for him. In real life no one is a knight in shining armor at home...but thats what he wants to be to someone, if only in their imaginations, if only for a few hours a week. The single woman needs to see him as the perfect man because then the "if only he wasnt married" thing becomes something that can be skirted.

 

So - do what you want but go in knowing these 2 elements are present.

[skywriter]

I really am lost,there is no easy way out. I'll be hurt either way

 

Jennifer,

 

If you feel this way now, I promise you, if you add the physical element into the A, that the validity of that statement will be multiplied by at least a thousand or more.

[jennifer4]

Today was rough. He had the day off and said he could come over if I got off work early enough. Well I didn't. I guess that's a good thing. I really want to talk about all of this with him. Over emails we don't talk about relationship stuff, which I know we should. I think I've realized this cant happen. I do deserve more.. I'm going to try to be strong. He's a great friend to me now and I'd hate to lose that. I do know that if we had sex it would mean sooo much more to me and that would hurt to know that nothing more could happen. I'm not looking for a brady bunch! I never talked about him and I getting married. I like the guy but I know deep in my heart that I cant get more involved than I already am. I feel like we're in a relationship already. thanks again..

[ladydesigner]

If you feel this way now, I promise you, if you add the physical element into the A, that the validity of that statement will be multiplied by at least a thousand or more.

 

This is so true.

 

Jennifer,

 

It seems painful now, but will be much more so later. It has taken me over a year to get over my xOM. I am married, I was the cake eater. When xOM ended things WOW. There really isn't a word to describe how much pain.

 

Please do yourself a favor and heal from this man. Do not contact him and get over him. Whatever you do DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIM. Most likely after you do, he will decide to go back to his wife and you will feel worthless and used with no integrity left to spare.

 

You are lucky to have found this site before you got more involved with MM. I wish I had found this site when I was contemplating even having the affair.

 

Take care of yourself and move on, an affair is 99.9% a dead end road.

[whichwayisup]

You've already let one guy go because of your MM.. 4 months into this EA (emotional affair) if you end it now before it gets more serious, before you choose to have sex, the better off you'll be.

 

Between the two of you there are SIX children involved. And his wife..

 

This is just an affair to him, and I highly doubt he's thinking ahead - Divorcing his wife, busting up his family to be with you and your four children.

 

I ultimatly have to make the best decision for me

 

And your four children. What affects you WILL affect them, especially if you choose to stay in the affair, let it get more serious.

 

Spend time reading more threads here and in the infidelity section..

 

Even though he is offering himself up to you - SAY NO. You KNOW he's married, so what's the point of pursuing him.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't know what I want.. I want him more than I've ever wanted any man.

 

why? he is a cheater.

 

damn, I'm looking at this all wrong. i need to become a cheater, jerk, and player

[foreal]

I think it says alot about him if he's not willing to "just do it" with no thought......He's a great friend to me now and I'd hate to lose that.

 

I would argue he is no friend at all. He is M, he knows you are single with 4 kids; he is in a R with you while in one with his W.

 

What kind of friend is that?

 

Your friends who tell you to stay away from him....those are your true friends- they are not trying to get in your pants, they have no agenda like this MM does.

 

And it DOES say a lot about him that he's not willing to 'just do it with no thought'....it says he is a manipulator and a liar who is setting you up to get what HE wants w/o regard to anyone else, let alone his wife and you.

 

I see no reason why you should have to speak with him or even text/email. You are on a slippery slope. And it is one hellava turbulent slide down down doooown for you and your kids if you continue ANY contact with him.

 

I wish you luck and strength!!

[whichwayisup]

Also, take some time to think of HIS wife and HIS children.. Even though he isn't, you should.

 

You may not like who you become if you choose to take it to the next level.. You want to help this guy betray his wife? To take time away from his family? To sneak away, be a hidden secret in a hotel behind closed doors? You said you deserve more.. If you stick with him, you'll be second fiddle. AND - There's always a chance you two will get busted by his wife.. Can you handle that? Are you ready to face his wife if there's a DDay? (DDay = Discovery day of the affair).

[jennifer4]

I guess this should be expected. Obviously I think about my children, his children and wife. I would have slept with him by now if I wasn't. I came on here to pretty much vent and see if others can understand. I do know this is wrong. I doubt he's a terrible monster like some say he could be. I could be wrong. Thinking of him as a friend is because I talk to him about daily things, kids, work,things u can talk to friends about.. I appreciate the input and deep down know this has to end-doesnt make it any easier. thanks

[whichwayisup]

You've only known him for like 4 months! You only know what he shows you.. You don't "know" him like his wife does, or like his family, friends, kids do.. What you have with him is a selfish self serving friendship..It's all in the moment stuff..Not a solid trusting friendship, platonic and innocent friendship that is going to grow and turn into something healthy ..Each of you KNOW IT IS WRONG but really don't care that much because it feeds the ego, makes each of you feel good. Problem is, you are really going to get hurt.

 

He has your heart, but he is married..He has a wife, kids, a life built with someone else. Again, what's the point of befriending him, knowing he will never be yours.

 

Once it ends, you can't be 'just' friends because you two aren't "friends"..It's an emotional affair and the foundation from day one has been dishonest and with the wrong intentions.. No good can come of this, unless you enjoy losing who you are.

 

Please keep posting and I hope you get the strength to end it and stay away from him.. you deserve love, but not with him.

[jennifer4]

thanks again. that means alot. I am slowly starting to realize that this cant be. It's been slow for a reason, we both are nervous and deep down know this is wrong. I'm glad we didnt have sex already. It still hurts, I hope it gets easier.

[whichwayisup]

Glad to help Jennifer.. Especially since it really seems like you're taking time to think about things..

 

Ofcourse you're hurting, that's a given.. But, it's only been FOUR months..You haven't invested years worth of emotions and love, and energy into him and allowing the affair to grow.

 

Keep busy, surround yourself with your friends, and family. Have fun, go to movies, and laugh! Life goes on, and when you've healed you'll realized you made the best decision and not look back.

[Heather1]

Chemistry is a crazy thing, and certainly no one could have stopped me. I tried for over a year to get over the chemistry & put things in reality. His first kiss had me insane and then he heavily pursued me. So friends for a year, same stuff you have going on, and "best friends." Read, "The Brain in Love" & "Not Just Friends."

But let me tell you what happened after he pursued me & finally "nailed" me. HUGE regret on his part, HUGE. Women's body & minds go towards love after sex, men go to conquest over, game won, oops...I need to make sure my wife doesn't find out about this. Whatever he's wooing you with will change IMMEDIATELY after sex.

It's not too late to just be friends. It is too late for me. It's a really lonely road, even though the excitement you feel now can't prepare you what's going to happen very soon. Brace yourself.

[jennifer4]

thanks. I'm sorry you had a bad experience,it seems that most A's aren't going to turn out well. I kept telling myself "what's different about him?". I don't know the answer. I've met plenty of married men, and have talked to them but never in this way. It's weird, he's going on alittle mini vacation for 4 days with her. I shouldn't be jealous and have no right to be, but it seems more real now that this could never happen. He says they have sex sometimes, but havent in a couple of weeks. I'm glad I posted here when I did, I think about being with him a lot. It sometimes makes me unable to sleep. I shouldn't put sooo much into him. He has a life and I'm only 1% of it-if that. He is a good guy, I really believe that, but I'm going to have to distance myself. It makes me sad to think of not talking to him anymore. It's only been 4 months but I do like the man. Unfortunatly the timing is wrong. I'm sorry this got so long. It's good to hear from people who've been there. I appreciate the advice.

[whichwayisup]

Don't be sorry, ever..About venting and making long posts. Better you do that than choose to hop into bed with him.

 

That jealously and hurt you feel now, magnify that 1000x if you do decide to pursue this. But, by the sounds of it, you're really thinking more long term and not in the heat of the moment.. It's good you see the reality of it all.

 

Another thing, he is going to downplay his sex life with you .. Why would he announce to you that he has a good sex life with his wife? All that would do is lessen his chances of having you.

 

He may be a "good guy" in your eyes, but in the jist of things, he isn't. He's doing something very inappropriate and something that will truly hurt his wife, turn her world upside down.. Even though it hasn't really reached the physical stage, he IS having an EA..She would not be pleased about it at all.. He's only thinking of himself and his needs, not hers and not yours. I mean, he KNOWS how you feel about him, yet he's willing to string you along, possibly have sex with you, knowing full well he isn't going to leave his wife and family for you.. And, with that said, you know this too..

 

He has a life and I'm only 1% of it-if that

 

Keep thinking this way. It'll help you get to where you need to be so you can end it. Keep telling yourself you deserve better and more! Just not from him.

[SoleMate]

Having an A with a MM is like...going to an expensive restaurant, and instead of getting a freshly served, attractive plate of food straight from the chef, you get something half eaten with a napkin crumpled on it.

 

AND you get to sit right outside the men's room with a door slamming in your face all night.

[SidLyon]

Having an A with a MM is like...going to an expensive restaurant, and instead of getting a freshly served, attractive plate of food straight from the chef, you get something half eaten with a napkin crumpled on it.

 

AND you get to sit right outside the men's room with a door slamming in your face all night.

 

 

I don't think I quite agree with this Solemate. From reading the OW board I think it's more like:

 

"Having an A with a MM is like...going to an expensive restaurant, and getting a freshly served, attractive plate of food straight from the chef, it tastes sensational and is really the best meal you've ever had.

 

Then hours later when d-day occurs ...

 

... you get to sit right inside the women's room "going" at both ends all night and with the door slamming in your face, behind him."

[OWoman]

For a MM and a single woman to have an affair there have to be a couple of elements present.

 

The woman needs to be in a vulnerable position. Emotionally, financially, whatever. Not that he'll help you any of these problems - but the vulnerability needs to be there...because Strong and independent woman dont date Married Men. Period.

 

Next, the MM MUST seem to the single woman like a knight in shining armor. For both her and for him. In real life no one is a knight in shining armor at home...but thats what he wants to be to someone, if only in their imaginations, if only for a few hours a week. The single woman needs to see him as the perfect man because then the "if only he wasnt married" thing becomes something that can be skirted.

 

What bollocks to imply that this is ALWAYS the case! Speaking for yourself, perhaps it may be true, but it certainly isn't, and wasn't, true for me! There's a huge difference in getting involved with a MM out of weakness, and getting involved with a MM out of choice, from a position of strength.

 

But, to return to the topic:

 

I'm not looking for a brady bunch! I never talked about him and I getting married. I like the guy but I know deep in my heart that I cant get more involved than I already am.

 

J4, you said he wasn't planning on leaving his W - and you've said, above, that you weren't wanting a "happy ever after" scenario with him anyway. Well... coming at this from another angle, you have absolutely no guarantees in this. He may well tell you he's in it with his W for the long haul, he may assure you he's not leaving his M... but he may still do that. I've had several MMs who promised they'd never leave their Ws, phone from a hotel room / holiday house / friend's place in tear / excitement / anticipation, having just walked out of their houses after telling their Ws they were leaving, their cars piled high with their clothing and possessions, hoping somehow I'd change my mind too and suddenly see a future in it with them - even though I'd made it clear all along that that was never on the cards. You just can't tell. There are no guarantees.

 

He may really believe, at this stage, that he's staying put in his M. Yet, once you connect sexually, it may spell the end of that connection with is W, and the end of his M, and he may well land up leaving. And, whether you want it or not, he may well expect - and put pressure on you - to comply with his expectation of Bradifying. Just think of the awful haircuts, and all those brown clothes, you'll have to adopt! But, seriously, if his circumstances shift, the chances are he'll somehow hold you to account for that, and expect you to make good on some unspoken, assumed promise of replacing the happy family he left behind "for you".

 

If that's not what you want, if that's a risk you're not prepared to take, then don't open the door to it. Great chemistry is not good enough grounds for throwing away your life as you know it and becoming someone else's salvation.

 

Posters here often work from the scenario "He'll never leave. They almost never do. And what would you do then?" which is all very valid and worth considering; but to me, the converse is just as worthy of consideration. IME they leave a lot more often than one is led to believe (though perhaps this is more so in the circles I inhabit) and one needs to consider carefully the consequences of that - what if he DID leave? Where would that leave you, and your kids, and your plans for the future?

 

What do you really want out of all of this?

 

If it's just some great sex, invest in a good toy instead. The batteries will be expensive over time, but the costs will be far lower than dealing with a future you didn't plan for and don't want.