daphne Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 My lying, cheating ex from 2 years ago has come around, again. What initially started as a fun flirtation and punishment to him turned out to be something different. We have fought. I have yelled at him. I have berated him. And I noticed that regardless of his threats, he still sticks around. It's almost like he's asking for redemption through torture. I guess I just went into shock when I found out who he was back then, and I never really dealt with it. I just cut him out of my life without saying a word. And it hurt pretty bad to open up old wounds. But I couldn't just stop talking to him this time. I figure I am working things out in my head. He said he's changed. He said a lot of things that he said back when he was still cheating. How do I know? Does it even matter if he's changed? At some point, during the really bitter feelings, the non stop crying, and not understanding why I have to go through this now, only a few months after my father died, I realized I had a few things to work out with this guy. I needed to learn to forgive. Regardless of whether I take him back. I screwed up in teh relationship too. And the difference is, he never threw it in my face. I was really hard on him from the beginning. I was scared to let my guard down, and perceived his attitude to be inattentive. So I berated him. This is not why he cheated on me. That's a whole different animal. But we both screwed up what might have been a beautiful thing had the timing been better. He said he's working on improving his life. I believe he is trying. Initially I thought he was just back to potentially get me back for hurting him. Or to get laid. I'm sure the latter was a thought. He has talked marriage and kids. Although that's just crazy talk in my book. I just want to see if I can be friends with this guy. I don't want to hate him. He's not the monster I thought he was. He was just a messed up guy who was doing a lot of screwing up. I had to get away from that. What do I do? All of my friends know that he's cheated. If he can hang out and really prove himself to me, can I get over the embarrassment of taking back a cheater? Also, will it ever work when he doesn't feel worthy, and at times I don't feel he is either considering his poor decision making and treatment of women? I'm very judgemental. We are very different people. Different classes, different core values. He says he wants a stable, boring life. But when I knew him he was more of a thrill junkie. I'll take my time on this one. I dont' know that we have a future other than as friends. But I'd rather be friends than continue to harbor the bitterness I had for him. Daphne
D-Lish Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 My lying, cheating ex from 2 years ago has come around, again. You should stop right here. Lying, cheating ex.... He does have a place, and hopefully, if you've grown at all, that place is in your past.
brightlights Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Reconciliation with a cheater is always a tricky subject, and as you expressed that feeling of embarrassment that comes with taking back a cheater is something you'll have to deal with. Now if you decide to take him back you have to be 100% sure that you won't let that feeling of embarrassment affect your relationship. Additionally, you would have to start over, and leave the past in the past. You'll have to be careful in the future of bringing up old laundry in a conversation. You don't want to be talking about a new issue and throw something from the past in his face if you want this to work. If you think you're able to accomplish these not so easy tasks then you may have a possibility. If not, I wouldn't bother wasting the time, get your closure and move on. It'll be ok as long as your truthful with yourself, and don't force yourself into something you don't feel will work well.
Author daphne Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Thanks Bright. I know I'll have to stop yelling at him at some point. I think I was testing him to see if he was back for the right reasons. I am slowly starting to put my arsenal away. We have had a few very honest discussions, about everything that happened. That's why I feel he has made changes. He knows it's time to put away his playing days and grow up. I'm definitely not going to force anything. We still like each other a lot. I didn't think I had any feelings left for him, but there's still something there. I don't know if I'm strong enough to try again with him. But I am really hoping to not be so jaded and guarded as I have been since we broke up. I think my biggest problem is that this wasn't what I signed up for. Things are tainted. But I am open minded to see if he can make up for it until I can figure things out.
sheithappens Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Why do girls test the ex boyfriends? ( in your case it makes sense since he cheated) but why do some girls and or dudes put the ex thru hell before they get back together?
Author daphne Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Generally to see if the person is sincere that they want to work things out and not waste anyone's time playing games. Also, it's a punishment. We erroneously believe that only the serious person will put up with it to gain back our affections. Some people will go through it just to get the person back and dump them. It's about ego.
sheithappens Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 damn , well i guess i deserve it then lol, i am willing to put up with a alot with my ex...... i always do...
Author daphne Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 So is my ex. But I can't tell if he has sincerely changed or not. I just can't understand humbling yourself over and over and over for 2 years if you just wanted to get the person back to pay them back for hurting you. hmm
sheithappens Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 yeah, if that is the objective the guy wants to get done, then that guy is now right in the head..... do not let your guards down yet..... good luck..... now i understand why my ex might be acting this way but i have not cheated or anything, i guess i broke it off when she needed my support
Author daphne Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 I didn't read where you let her down before. Are you sure you aren't taking too much responsibility for the breakup because you want her back so bad? A lot of times that happens and you don't look at things objectively. I am not letting my guard down at all. I keep finding trashy women on his facebook. I believe that if he seriously wanted a second chance, he wouldn't be keeping that nonsense around. I suspect that he's much like the guy MikeRaw here from a while ago who just didn't like losing. I think my ex does see me as a great catch. But if anything, he's not interested in making my life better or me happy. He wants to win. That guy was a player too. And it's funny how he got another chance with the girl, he snooped in her email and assumed she was cheating and dumped her. He just went back to be the one to end it. The striking similarity is my ex checked my texts before, and I suspect he's snooped on me as well. And I haven't cheated on anyone before. Funny how paranoid teh cheaters can be.
sheithappens Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 i would bring unnecessary stress because of my jealousy.... i would always cause arguments over stupid little things..... i honestly do love her and right now i am respecting her decision because i dont want to be a distraction for her test.... she told me i would cause alot of stress on her, i figured that out during therapy... in a way i was kinda blind towards it ... i hope i am not to late... i dont know if she still loves me or if she is even thinking about me at all
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