I'm not the 'one'...

[TuesGirl]

Hi LS, I have followed your wonderful advice for about a year now about various topics, but haven't had much luck finding advice for my current situation, so maybe you can help me out...

 

My boyfriend of 2.5 years (with a 2 month break about a year ago) and I were having some small issues and annoyances and 2 weekends ago, something seemingly small got ridiculously blown up. So LAST Monday I suggested that for this past weekend we don't make plans with each other and just take a breather for a weekend. He agreed. (BTW, he travels out of the state EVERY week for work, Mon a.m. through Thurs p.m., and this has been going on for almost a year, so to give up our weekend time is kind of rare, and also leads me to believe that THIS situation is somewhat responsible for stagnancy in our relationship).

 

Anyways, last Sunday night we were hanging out watching TV and he was kind of being aloof, so I asked him what was up and to make a long story short we talked about what we think are some of the reasons why we were struggling lately as a couple and it came out that I had become very insecure about 'us' because I felt we never talk about our future together (and we used to). I said that I wanted to know whether or not he saw us getting married (he's a very mature and responsible 27 and I'm 32) in the future and that I felt that we used to talk about it, but that the dialogue had stopped about 6 months ago. At the end of it all he basically said that he didn't think i was the person he was going to marry. He knows that he wants to get married, and have kids one day but that I wasn't her, NOT that he wasn't ready to get married. Ok, I can accept that and told him so and then told him if that is how he felt that I couldn't be his girlfriend, bc that is not what I wanted and I thanked him for his honesty. Then he started getting very, very upset emotionally.

 

Sooo, my question is...Why has he said verbally, via text, and email how much he loves me, how happy he was with me, how he doesn't want to lose me, wishes he could make me happy, How he wish he could fix things, how sorry he is that he disappointed me, how miserable he is, how I am his best friend and the only person he can talk to, how he is still physically and intellectually attracted to me blah, blah, blah.??

 

I know the key to getting over someone is NC and space and I haven't initiated any contact to allow myself some time and space to heal, as well as him, and I have been polite and brief in responses but simply stating that I want to be in a relationship with someone who has the same end goals in mind and that right now he isn't that person. So basically, I have left things very black and white with no grey area. Obviously I will keep up my stance and what i am doing, but have any of you been in a similar situation and help me decipher why he is saying the things he is saying if I'm clearly not the 'one'?

 

Thanks!

[D-Lish]

I think he obviously feels guilt over this.

 

I have been in this situation before- and what happened is that he came back years later saying what a big mistake he made. It was far too late by then, he'd been off my radar and out of my mind for so long that I was annoyed at having to talk to him.

 

The point being- as much as you might be distraught over this now, you will get over it. I don't think this is about you at all- and shame on him for putting the onus of not being "the one" on you. That's the kind of heavy comment that gives people issues!

 

This is his issue, this is about his inability to carry on with someone that is everything he should be happy to have.

 

Should you go NC? Hell yes. If nothing else, your absence will give both you and him some much needed perspective on your relationship.

 

I think "the one" is such a cop-out.

[TuesGirl]

So update (sorta): It's been a smidge over a month since the breakup and I have stopped any initiation of contact (pretty much after week #1), but he seems to find something just about each day to email me about (all light-hearted topics, like how our favorite baseball team is doing, or the weather) and I have returned contact in a friendly manner, the same way I would email a friend or colleague. Short and sweet and that's about it!

 

I have stayed busy and have my good and bad days, as I am sure he has.

 

Well last weekend/week, we went on a stretch where there was no contact for 4 days, with his most previous contact being a 4am email (?)

 

So on Monday, I was freaking out a little But sure enough, come Monday afternoon, an email...

 

Any rate, to cut to the chase, since yesterday (Monday) he has been emailing me alot. I haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks, and I actually dog-sat for him this past weekend/week (no big deal since our dogs like each other alot and like to play, and I was able to have him drop off the dog without me being here) and usually he's, "Thanks" and picks up the poop in my yard or something. well this time, he has repeatedly thanked me via email and text and told me today that he wants to "thank" me by taking me out to lunch or dinner this weekend. Ok, we all know that there are other ways to "thank" someone without having to spend time with them, i.e. a gift certificate. Soooo while I appreciate his appreciation (a sore point for us sometimes as a couple), I just don't know what to think about this!

 

And the grand finale is that my mom is in town (they get along really well) and I have a race this weekend, so I am behaving in regards to alcohol consumption, so I mentioned something about hanging out with my mom for Friday happy hour, but said I was going to be a lame date due to my non-drinking status, and the very next email he replies "tell your mom I'll have a beer with her for happy hour".

 

I mean the whole thing is confusing bc I am essentially both the dumper and the dumpee. I want him back under the conditon that we are headed down the marriage path eventually, but I also initiated the breakup bc I know I can't be in a relationship that doesn't have any direction. I also know that this contact stuff does hold me back from moving on (him too!) and struggle with a course of action.

 

Soo, LS, what do you guys think? (Especially if I decide to take him up on the free lunch) My best guy friend says he'll be back, and I agree, but I think it'll be a long time, and I will be over him by then. I've been in enough relationships to know that we had a good thing. Obviously some bumps in the road, but the big, important pieces were there.

 

Thanks in advance!

[trueblue72ny]

well, honestly, i would be pretty taken back by someone who told me i wasnt the one. whats the point after that? friends? i dont know, but i do know that was a pretty harsh thing to say to you. that is a tough one to get over.

 

i dont get why would he get all emotional over it after the fact? he is the one who said it.

 

i personally would be very cautious going forward and not pin my hopes on this one, unless he starts talking about a future again, after he apologizes up and down for his comment and makes you FEEL like he is being 100% genuine. people say lots of things but unless they make you know they are being genuine, unless you know they mean business, its just smoke and mirrors.

 

you dont want to be dragged thru the mud forever. wasting your time on someone who has no intentions of ever really being with you.

 

just my two cents.

[TuesGirl]

yea, I guess I just got the feeling that he said "you're not the one" bc he wanted a conversation ender (for a guy, he's pretty stinking smart . I couldn't argue THAT point, while I could potentially argue, "I'm not ready yet". I mean I have to take what he says at face value for sure, but knowing how he feels about me and his super emotional response to me breaking things up makes me feel like he didn't mean it, but that it was a knee jerk response to protect himself in some weird way. Ugh IDK I guess time will tell...but I'm an impatient one!haha

[trueblue72ny]

yea, I guess I just got the feeling that he said "you're not the one" bc he wanted a conversation ender (for a guy, he's pretty stinking smart . I couldn't argue THAT point, while I could potentially argue, "I'm not ready yet". I mean I have to take what he says at face value for sure, but knowing how he feels about me and his super emotional response to me breaking things up makes me feel like he didn't mean it, but that it was a knee jerk response to protect himself in some weird way. Ugh IDK I guess time will tell...but I'm an impatient one!haha

 

that is one heck of a conversation ender. yes, time will tell. and yes you would probably be smart to take what he says at face value. altho who knows, maybe it was just some kind of one time weird response. :confused: