skydancing Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Hi all - this is my first post about my current relationship. I met my boyfriend about 7 months ago on the internet, and we have been dating for 5 long-distance. From the beginning, he has been extremely affectionate and tells me often that he doesn't know how he got with such an amazing girl. He also says that he wants to marry me, even after this short time. We both just started our first year of medical school - he in the South and I in the North. The first two months so far have been good, except for the past week or so. He had a test last Friday, and usually he is very attentive when he is studying the night before a test and talks to me as much and as sweetly as usual. But the night before the exam this time, he was very cold and distant. Because I didn't want to get him upset for his test in the morning, I stayed supportive and didn't bring up that I was feeling hurt. So the next day after his test, he calls me up and isn't as sweet as he usually is after tests (saying how much he misses me and how happy he is to be able to talk to me more). I don't know what really happened here. There is one thing that has always bugged him - a comment I made long ago before we were dating about my ex boyfriend that he says makes him feel insecure about his sexual performance. He feels terrible even though I tell him often how much I prefer him to any boyfriend in the past. Once in a while he will mention that it bothers him, and he did on the Wednesday of last week before the test. But he didn't seem to mention anything about it on Thursday or Fri after the test.... I mentioned to him after the test that I felt hurt that he was talking to me coldly the night before, but he tried to reassure me that it was just the stress of the test. We ended up having a pretty big fight about it because he thought I was trying to make him look like a bad boyfriend. At that point, I thoroughly regretted even mentioning that I was hurt. I probably should have let it go. Eventually, he brought up that the thing he has been continuously insecure about (the ex) and said that no matter what I told him, he would always feel badly about it. I am kind of shocked that one comment, made in jest before we were dating (and in no way directed at him), would have such an effect on him. Ever since Friday, our conversations have been sooo awkward. I feel like he has really retracted his affection for me on the phone and online - he doesn't send me sweet e-mails or tell me the things he used to. On Saturday night, he even planted something in my mind about his past sexual relationship with his ex that now I just worry so much about. We had phone sex the other night but I feel like it was so forced on my end and I was thinking about the comment he made about his ex the entire time. I have been feeling depressed at school for the past couple of months, but now I just feel like the only good thing in my life is crumbling. I usually send as many emails and messages as he does, but now I feel like I am trying so hard to resurrect his affection by showing more than my usual amount. I am feeling just sooo insecure now - I feel like I am bugging him when I talk to him. He also seems to be acting more "toolish" lately - partly I think because he is attending a more prestigious med school than I am, I don't know. I just feel like he doesn't see me as the same girl anymore because I brought up that I was hurt last Friday. I know this might not be enough information, but I was hoping that someone could give me some sort of advice? What should I do to make things go back to the way they were? I am visiting him this Friday after I take my own exam. Thanks.
lillymountain Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 so yu both just started med school... maybe it's getting more stressful for him now and his way of coping with this situation is drawing back a little bit, but that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care anymore. i think can comprehend the way yopu feel, cause i tend to get anxious as well when my bf doesn't show me his affection in the way i want/need it. but i think it is exactly this: it's my needs and actually he feels misunderstood. guys just sometimes need to be alone and to have space, especially when they have to ope with something stressful and new. we tend to seek a solution by talking about it, they prefere to do it silent an on their own. ..and if the girl starts to cling (and he'll feel it!!) to him even more, he might be frustrated as well. i think this is just partly an explanation for his behaviour, but obviously he is feeling insecure as well about your ex. yes, there is the possibility that he doesn't feel the way he did anymore and is to much of a coward to let you know. but i definitly don't believe this. give him and yourself space and calm down. concentrate on your exam. just try to enjoy the time with him, when you see each other again and then listen to your feelings. , lilly
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