I can't get over it.

[stuckinwonderland88]

Hi everyone.

I thought this would be a good place to post my thoughts instead of going on to friends who just don't want to hear, or the worst, contact my ex boyfriend.

 

So, from the beginning... This is so long.

 

I met a guy about five years ago. I know it's cheesy, but from the first second I saw him, I knew there was something different about him. I didn't understand it at first, but there was an instant attraction. He was mainly friends with my best girl friend at the time. We hung out a lot in groups, never alone, but always got on so amazingly well. He was such a kind person, very strong with his beliefs, wouldn't back down. He was also ten years older than myself. Which is probably where the trouble starts. I was instantly interested in him. Everything that I liked, he liked, I introduced him to different things, like music and films. And he did the same for me. Everything he shared with me felt so special and like something we could only understand and appreciate together. Everytime I went out, I hoped he would be there and whenever he walked through the door my heart leapt up into my throat, and I would instantly make a beeline and we'd hang out together for the entire night.

 

Whatever effect he had on me, he seems to have on others too. People always seem to want to be his friend, he was funny and charming, but he isn't the most open person, so a lot of people would fail, when he totally let me in. I felt so special and respected. I had never had a friend like him, where I felt totally safe and knew he would never speak badly of me, that he would always stick up for me and look out for me. And he did. All the time.

 

So for the next three years, I would think about the fact that maybe I liked him more than just a friend. I tried to block it out for so long, because I didn't want to lose him as a friend, knew he'd never like me that way, and because of the age difference. I went out with other boys, and would find myself talking endlessly about him ("Oh, that reminds me of this one time when we went out/of this band **** was talking about/of this funny thing **** said..."), to the point where boyfriends at the time would call me out on it, and ask whether I liked him, or whether somehting had gone on in the past with us, to which I always answered that nothing like that had ever happened, and that I would never like him like that ('No! He's like my brother!") I denied it so much that I made myself believe it. I broke up with both boyfriends because I wasn't into the relationship, but looking back on it realise that it's because they weren't who I really wanted.

 

Years passed. We hung out more and more. It was four years since we met. We would be awake long into most nights endlessly talking online, as his job required him to travel for long periods of time. When he was back at home, we would meet up (still in groups), and have great, GREAT nights out.

 

Then one day... When I had almost resigned myself to the idea of just being friends forever more... He started talking about moving away. He said he was going. He said he had plans, that he had to start thinking about his future more seriously. He said that the last few nights out had sort of been goodbye. It hit me like a kick to the stomach. What would I do without him? I had no one else. I had friends, but no one like him, that I could talk to, and truly be myself. I had never had anyone show me that level of care and respect. I realised that I was totally in love with him. I reached for my phone and sent a joking text to him saying he couldn't go, that I would go with him, that we could get a house and dogs and adopt good looking children... I didn't know whether I was joking or not... He text back, being slightly surprised, that he loved that text, but didn't understand what I meant by it... I then decided to just let it all out... I told him I was confused, that I loved him, but not like a typical boyf/girlf, that is was so much more huge than that, that I wanted to stand by him in everything he did, that I adored everything about him. He replied saying he felt the same. More texts. We basically told each other that we loved each other, that it had somehow always been there. We agreed to sleep on it, but not to let it be awkward the next day. It was slightly awkward, but ok. We met up in a pub nearby, with my housemates there to make it less awkward. He arrived. He bought drinks for everyone. He was smiling from ear to ear and so was I. We didn't talk about it, but we laughed, and we both knew. We walked home, we talked about it, agreed that we should go for it, kissed and slept in each others arms.

 

We then went out for a total of four months. The first month, we kept it to ourselves for fear of friends judging it too much. It was bliss. I've never been so happy. It was like the entire world had been made entirely for us. We talked about going on holiday together. I couldn't believe that my wildest dreams were coming true. I was so in love. I was so happy.

 

Then things started to happen. We had arguments for various reasons. Mostly due to my stupidity. I had never been in that sort of relationship. One night we were out, I ended up talking to random guy for longer than I should have done. It was totally innocent, and nearly the whole time I was talking about how much I was newly in love with my boyfriend. He got so mad at me. I was mad at myself. Another time I joked with his friend about him. He couldn't believe that I had made fun of him. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the night. He got so angry. In the cab home, he jumped out and left me in the cab. Later I called in tears, went over, we made up. Just. My friends were rude to him, and I didn't do a very good job of sticking up for him, I tried to brush it off as them being stupid, but it wasn't enough for him. I didn't know what to do, because I thought if I lost him, then I wouldn't have my friends either. I think in a way, I couldn't take in that we were together, that it seemed to good to be true, that I was scared to lose him, that I expected it.

 

I then went on holiday for a week and a half, that was already planned. One night I called off my face, but lied and said I was fine. He knew I was lying. He broke up with me saying he didn't want to be with someone like that, that lied to him. I didn't understand. I ruined my holiday. I spent the rest of the holiday in tears. He was also talking to me about how he was seriously ill. I was abroad I couldn't do anything, I felt so confused and unable to do anything.

 

I came home. I organised to be at the same night out as him so we could talk. It was two days after we had broken up. Another girl was all over him. He didn't seem that interested or aware of it. He said hello, and was acting friendly with me, but it was horrible. He sat next to me and I felt like dying. I was outside crying for most of the night. I went home. He ended up going back to the other girls house. Nothing happened apparently. That destroyed me. But despite that I hardly even thought twice about it, I begged him to be with me. He said he didn't want more arguments. Neither did I. I was so emotionally tired by this time. I didn't want the arguments. I just wanted him so much.

 

We got together again. It was better, but I felt more awkward around him. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, that anything I might say, would be a reason for him to break up with me. And he did. Again. My heart broke. My world fell apart. He told me he didn't need the extra pressure of me, but that he still loved me. It was like being stabbed through the heart.

 

I called him for the next few nights in tears, asking him what I had done, that I didn't understand, and that I loved him. He wouldn't budge.

 

We tried talking on the phone like friends. It amazed me how easily he could just act like a friend again. It hurt me how he found it so easy while I felt like my world was falling apart. He told me his was too, but he never seemed to show it. I was told by friends to stop contacting him. I didn't know what to do. I had never experienced anything like this. I told him I thought it might be best for us not to talk for a while as it was the only hope I had to cope. I asked him what he thought. I didn't want to do it, if he didn't want me to. He never replied. I spent the day at work crying because he didn't reply. It was like he didn't care. I managed about a week, then contacted him again, saying I couldn't do it, that it wasn't helping. He didn't contact me back. I tried to ring over and over and he wouldn't pick up. The odd time he would reply he would say I was acting crazy at him, that he couldn't meet up with me, that he didn't need it.

 

Months passed. I got fired from my job. I spent weeks in bed. I got so ill and skinny. I talked everybody's ear off about him. My friends got sick of it. I got sick of myself. I was so miserable. I felt worthless. I felt so ugly. I had nothing because I didn't have him. I had lost my best friend.

 

Then a friend got involved. She stuck her foot in and insulted him. He then talked to me. He asked me what I had been saying. I had been telling everyone, pretty much everything, but I had always justified anything he'd done. I'd always explained everything, I'd never accused him of being the big bad guy, although a lot of my friends thought he was, because they hated seeing me so miserable. I was so tired of it. I couldn't argue. I wrote it off as her being stupid. I had asked her to take it back, but she said it was what she thought, and that she wouldn't. He thought I was making excuses for her. He got angry and upset at me. He sent me a long email saying that was it, that he hated how I'd cut him off, then gone back on it and pulled him around, and that he didn't want to talk to me anymore, that he had other serious things going on in his life and didn't need the stress.

 

Again. My world collapsed. It's now about four months later. I have sent him about four long, long emails, explaining how hurt I am, saying how I miss him, saying that I don't understand what I did to be totally cut off. That I never wanted to hurt him. I tried to hold back for his sake. I didn't want to be getting at him. I got to two months not sending anything to him.

 

I've been trying to pull myself up. I've been trying to re-assess everything and try to do things that I'm interested in. I've tried sports and exercise. Eating well. Etc. But I'm still so broken inside. I think the worst is that I managed to get to someone so much, that they completely cut me off. That I managed to push away someone who I'm so in love with. I care about him so much and I don't know if he knows it. I have no idea if he hates me or likes me. I think he's just sick of it. I know I am too. But it doesn't stop me loving him. I don't think he even reads my messages anymore. He never replies. It breaks my heart. I think sometimes that it's impossible for it to be how it was. I can't believe it was so good, but for such a short period of time. But every now and then, especially as time passes, I feel less emotionally crazy about it, and think that I wish I could just talk to him, that I wish I could just be with him again, and not be so emotional and ruin it. That I never showed my appreciation enough. I haven't seen him face to face in so long. It's been a year. I guess I'm coping with it better now, but in the last week it's all just got on top of me again, leading to me sending another email to him last night, being unble to sleep, saying I missed him. Again. No reply.

 

I don't know what to do anymore.... I'm so emotionally and physically tired of it. I wish he wouldn't block me out. I don't understand what he's thinking, and it confuses me even more. I don't think he realises how much he's hurting me, simply by just giving me nothing back. I feel like I'm trying to bang down a locked door. Sometimes I think I'm close to accepting it, but then I realise I'm not at all, and that all I want is for him to hold me again. I just want to know how he is. I just want to be in his life. A hue part of me doesn't want to get over it, because I don't want to end up hating him. I have no idea how to cope anymore. I'm in tears writing this....

[Maoky]

I can't say I've been in any situation remotely similar to yours, but please, don't isolate yourself!

 

Your friends seem to care about you a lot. Stay with them some nights, take your mind away from him. I know you don't want to let him go, but remember that YOU are the most important person in your life right now. Treat yourself with respect. I'm sorry you've been hurting for so long

[stuckinwonderland88]

Thanks for replying. I feel weird writing all that here, but I just needed to get it out somewhere.

 

I just need to keep my mind occupied on other things. It's just hard not being able to do anything, like the situation being so out of my hands.

[mr heartbroken]

hey,

 

I am really sorry to hear what happened. The first thing is value yourself more. I was kinda the same and made my ex my life never did this and never did that stopped seeing my mates. You need to stop showing your needy side. He doesent want to hear it. This doesent sound nice but it's true. Stop Telling him that you miss him Stop telling Him anything.... NC is great but you need to stick to it. He told youhe doesent need this stress then in your head you should think "he doesent need this stress" why? In my opinion he doesent value the relashionship in the same why as you do. nothing wont Loveshack will make you feel better nor will it give you answer's but people are talking about what they have been through. I love love my ex gf and would love to be sat with her right now. sadly it isnt going to happening.. Something that has helped me when i am thinking is telling myself "I DONT MISS ****** I MISS THE LOVE" love can be found again if you put your guard down. Have you seen anyone about the issue's you have? What age are you?