christys Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I had an A with a MM. We lived together for a short time, and he ended up returning to his W. I have learned my lesson about believing a married man's word. My MM told me all about how unhappy he was and wanted a divorce from his W only to return home, and leave me hurt. Now it seems like I will never find anyone as attractive or sexy as he was. I think I feel this way because I am so hurt, so is this a normal feeling that women go throught after being hurt. I will never get involved with a MM again.
ReturnToSender Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Well..to answer your question: Yup. After every guy, Ive always thought to myself, how could anyone be sexier, or knwo to do that thing he does, or look at me in that way to make my knees weak and all that crazy hoopla...hah! And sure enough...it happened. Its hard to see when your sights are set on one man...the blinders are on. But when its over and youre over it, the blinders come off and woah, theres a whole world of men out there! Single ones too!
Author christys Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 Well..to answer your question: Yup. After every guy, Ive always thought to myself, how could anyone be sexier, or knwo to do that thing he does, or look at me in that way to make my knees weak and all that crazy hoopla...hah! And sure enough...it happened. Its hard to see when your sights are set on one man...the blinders are on. But when its over and youre over it, the blinders come off and woah, theres a whole world of men out there! Single ones too! How long before the blinders come off?
ReturnToSender Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Like I said..when its over and youre over it... No definitive timeline for how long that takes unfortunately. It took me a couple months to get over my ex husband, but it was a dragged out long coming end so I was fairly ready for the end. It took 3 years to get over my ex-bf, but I did have quite a bit of fun in the meantime, till I met my current bf and realized I finally was ready to take someone seriously
ContemplatingTheEnd Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I have a similar problem insofar as I'm currently having an A w/ a MM and also dating a couple single men and the single men simply cannot compare to MM. In terms of physical attractiveness, they couldn't compare to him even when I didn't know he was married. And, six months later -- they of course still cannot compare b/c my feelings and attraction to MM have only increased (I keep waiting for us to not click anymore...) I keep dating the single guys as a way to tell myself I'm not devoting myself 100 percent to a MM. But, of course, I am. He's the only one I'm sleeping w/ and I'm not emotionally attached to the others whatsoever. How we fool ourselves. So, I am afraid that when this A ends -- b/c I know it will. He is not leaving his wife -- I will have a hard time finding any man that compares to MM. Maybe not so much in pure physical or emotional attraction, but the chemistry that is between MM and I. I still find myself attractive to many men. And, I still enjoy conversation with the men I'm dating. It's the chemistry that lacks with most people. It's hard to find. And, I found it. And, it's with a MM. Of course, I found it one other person as well before MM.... so of course, like Returntosender said...the blinders need to be off for chemistry to occur, perhaps. I wish you luck in getting over him. In my very naive opinion, the hardest part is over for you -- getting him out of your life.
Devil Inside Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Hey Christy...hang in there. Yes...of course you will find another man attractive again. You have a broken heart...and with that comes the feeling that the only man ever meant for you is gone...and that you will never find another. We all experience this when a relationship ends...especially when the other person ends it...male, female, affair or not. I can say...that it is understandable why it is hard to find a single man with the intensity of a MM. You have to understand, us MMs can focus on you like nobody else. We are starving for whatever factor..and when we find it we treat you like royalty. We are so romantic, intense, sensual, and understanding....but married. One day you will look back and realize that it is a good thing that he left...you can now find somebody that can give you there all from day one. Sorry your heart was broken...be kind, surround yourself with good friends, and spoil yourself.
fooled once Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 The silver lining that comes with all the hurt you are going through is the realization you have come to regarding to NEVER get involved with a MM again. I am so glad you have realized that for the most part, those are dead end relationships. The OW/OM gets hurt and the cheater goes home to the spouse. How long has it been since the relationship ended? Give yourself time *hug* a new relationship maybe isn't the best thing for you right now. You need time to grieve the loss, to try to figure out what 'made you' get into a relationship with a married man to begin with, what made you stay (besides the lies) and what steps you need to take to make YOU emotionally healthy.
fooled once Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Also, it is a natural feeling of "will I ever find someone as great as him" when the end comes to almost any relationship; not just those with married men. Baby steps and focus on YOU!
ednadean Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 yes -- you will -- but give it time. It won't happen straight away. They say you need around half the time to get oer a relationship as when you were in it. e.g in a relationship for a year -- will take around 6ish months...depending on who broke up, how sensitive you are etc. MAke you you get out and about too! That helps a LOT.
ContemplatingTheEnd Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 I can say...that it is understandable why it is hard to find a single man with the intensity of a MM. You have to understand, us MMs can focus on you like nobody else. We are starving for whatever factor..and when we find it we treat you like royalty. We are so romantic, intense, sensual, and understanding....but married. Very good post, Devil_Inside. Apart from the very big problem that he's married, my MM treats me better than all the guys I've been with to date. And, that very fact that he's married is the reason why. I've never quite seen it that way. Thank you. Christy, like others have said, it's crucial that you will not let yourself become involved again with a MM. Knowing the negative repercussions from the get-go can help ensure you don't develop feelings, attraction, etc., to a MM and then rationalize it away throughout. That's what I've done and -- six months -- my A is still alive and kicking...
2sure Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 ChrstyS - Think about this a second. I'm sure you have had relationships and boyfriends , maybe even been married in the past. Now, look back at those men...all the way back. When you look back at your previous relationships, like it or not , you have to admit that at the time you were in love, you thought all or at least some of them were the one, that they were "all that". And then later looking back at those guys you have at least some of the time asked yourself: WTF was I thinking?? WHAT did I ever see in him?? Yuck!! You just have to give it time.
ednadean Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I can say...that it is understandable why it is hard to find a single man with the intensity of a MM. You have to understand, us MMs can focus on you like nobody else. We are starving for whatever factor..and when we find it we treat you like royalty. We are so romantic, intense, sensual, and understanding....but married. . that's a REALLY interesting insight. But I don't get it. Why are they able to focus on us more than a SG? SHouldn't it be the other way around? Don't get me wrong -- I think that what you say is true from anecdotal experience, no one has ever treated me better or given me more attention or listened to me as much as my MM --- but why?
ContemplatingTheEnd Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 that's a REALLY interesting insight. But I don't get it. Why are they able to focus on us more than a SG? SHouldn't it be the other way around? Don't get me wrong -- I think that what you say is true from anecdotal experience, no one has ever treated me better or given me more attention or listened to me as much as my MM --- but why? My take on that comment is a combo of two things: 1) MM are, by definition, married. Therefore, they are used to an intimate relationship and know how to treat a woman (presumably to some extent at least, since they've been married X amount of years and have gone through everything w/ a woman in order to get to that point.) And... 2) Perhaps more importantly, the MM are infatuated with the allure of an A, they are seducing a new woman, something they haven't done in X amount of years, and could likely miss that part of not being married. They could be starving for affection, adoration and intimacy as well -- even if they're marriage is fine it could likely lack that passion that was there in the beginning. Therefore, they're so overwhelmed and attracted to this whole new situation that they shower affection upon the OW. I am definitely no therapist like Devil....BUT that's something I've observed from my MM's actions. I don't think that discredits a MM's feelings for his OW. But, I think these are factors that play into how intense he is w/ them as well.
CarbonCopy Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 Yes, you will be attracted to other men, but actually feeling a *connection* with someone else will take time. I never stopped finding men attractive when I was with my MM. And while I didn't meet someone worthwhile to date in the time that we were together, I don't think I would have given that guy a chance had I found him anyway. I always said that I wouldn't let MM get in the way of me meeting "the man of my dreams" (LOL, I don't think that man exists), but subconsciously I definitely closed myself off. Sure, I would go out with my girlfriends and we'd meet cute guys in bars and stuff, but my mind would ALWAYS be on my MM. I was definitely comparing him to all the guys I would meet. So, it'll take time. Just hang in there.
ContemplatingTheEnd Posted September 18, 2009 Posted September 18, 2009 Yes, you will be attracted to other men, but actually feeling a *connection* with someone else will take time. That's so true CC -- and that's what matters. The connection. I'm probably MORE attracted to more men now that I'm having sex a lot more than, well, before I met MM. But, that of course doesn't mean I act on those feelings. I still think/go back to MM. The two men I'm dating v. casually are great. We have good conversation, I find them attractive (although I'm not all that attracted to them...) and I like to spend time with them. Just not as much as with MM. And, I just noticed something, the single men I find most attractive are ones that resemble MM. Ha. How we deceive ourselves. But, yes, just like in any relationship that ends, you will get over him. But, just like most things, it's so hard to see that right now. My advice is go out, meet people, network, etc. Just keep yourself busy. I can already know that will be my savior when I am done with my A.
Author christys Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Today I spoke to my xMM. He called me, for I guess closure. I was shocked at things he told me. I almost feel like his wife was listening in on the conversation. During our relationship the only things I knew about his W and the people that lived in their house (ie her grown children and her relatives) My MM constantly complained about how crowded it was there and how they were all freeloaders and how the utility bills tripled when they were there. He would tell me these people were all on disability, smoked, drank coffee, smoked pot and were down right lazy. I never said anything about those people, all I knew is what he told me. So in the conversation today he was turning it all around. He was saying things like I dont know why you are saying things about us, we are pretty normal??? I was just silent and listening to the bs. He was pretty much disrespectful towards me, and it was a voice I had never heard out of him, kinda like a jekyl and hyde moment. How rude and heartbreaking this was to me, I truly realize what type of low life I was believing in for a little while in my life. What type of person is it that could do this to a person he just had a year long afair with?
Author christys Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 Today I spoke to my xMM. He called me, for I guess closure. I was shocked at things he told me. I almost feel like his wife was listening in on the conversation. During our relationship the only things I knew about his W and the people that lived in their house (ie her grown children and her relatives) My MM constantly complained about how crowded it was there and how they were all freeloaders and how the utility bills tripled when they were there. He would tell me these people were all on disability, smoked, drank coffee, smoked pot and were down right lazy. I never said anything about those people, all I knew is what he told me. So in the conversation today he was turning it all around. He was saying things like I dont know why you are saying things about us, we are pretty normal??? I was just silent and listening to the bs. He was pretty much disrespectful towards me, and it was a voice I had never heard out of him, kinda like a jekyl and hyde moment. How rude and heartbreaking this was to me, I truly realize what type of low life I was believing in for a little while in my life. What type of person is it that could do this to a person he just had a year long afair with? Also during our nrelationship, he would always put down his W's parenting skills. zNone of her children graduated or excelled in school. the were all promiscuous with many different partners. He was just prety much ashamed of how they lived there, and was so happy to come live with me because it was such a different atmospheres?
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