boundaryproblem Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I've been reading this forum for months now, and feel ready to share my story. As soon as I conceived, my husband started with excuses about why he couldn't have sex with me. I lost all baby weight within a few weeks of birth and looked good. So our marriage was sexless for 6-7 years. Maybe sex 10 times total in those years. When my son was about to go into Kindergarten, I realized that I was 35 yrs old and my health started to deteriorate from the stress of working full time, looking after the house and child care responsibilities, and no intimacy. Meanwhile my husband played video games or online poker for 6 hours+ a night. We went to marriage counselling, many times, different counsellors. It came out in counselling that he found my giving birth "disgusting" and never got over it. I don't think he meant to hurt me. He was just indifferent. After 18 months of separation/divorce - I have come to this truth: I let this happen. I allowed this relationship to continue. So now I'm in counselling for codependency and in the next year I will work at building proper emotional boundaries and rebuilding my engine to learn to love in a healthy way. All three of us: ex hubby, our son and myself - are immensely happier now we are divorced and our son is successful in Gr. 1. We go on camping trips with other families together. It is amicable. During separation I contacted an ex-boyfriend, hoping he could help me get back on my feet - I was so emotionally drained from the marriage. When the ex-boyfriend started giving me the silent treatment for days, I realized that the problem was me and my boundaries and I've now gone NC with that ex-boyfriend. boundary problem
Enema Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Do you know if your ex-husband has someone new and a healthy sex life?
Author boundaryproblem Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 Can't believe I forgot to tell you the best part! He gave me an incurable non-life threatening STD. He admits he wasn't checked properly at the beginning of our marriage, even though at the time he kept saying he was clean. boundaryproblem
Author boundaryproblem Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 Based on what ex-hubby tells me: -he doesn't have anyone new -he isn't interested in anyone new -he spends A LOT of time alone with his computer -he showed me some tranny porn he was looking at once shortly before separation, he said it didn't interest him and he was just checking it out -a few weeks ago he told me his friend was talking about a masseuse place that offered 'extras'. I could tell ex-hubby was excited with the subject. He started talking about saving up some cash and how he wouldn't be able to buy meals out for us on our latest camping trip. boundaryproblem
The Collector Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 So do you think he was gay all along and magnified the post-birth disgust as a better excuse than coming out of the closet?
Author boundaryproblem Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Question: Is he gay? Answer: I have no idea. He presented 'normally' during 1.5 yr courtship, including a year of living together. He told me he was confused sexually in the year prior to separation. He said he "wasn't sure" what turned him on. I encouraged him to date men and he seemed to lack courage. My dad and my brother-in-law who are as straight as they come....both think ex-hubby is 'gay'.
65tr6 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 . He admits he wasn't checked properly at the beginning of our marriage, even though at the time he kept saying he was clean. are you sure about this ? you think he never cheated on you after you were married ?
Author boundaryproblem Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Question: Did he cheat after marriage? Answer: He says he didn't. He was always on his computer. Difficult relationship with his mother. She dominates him. A few years ago I asked him to move away to a community 3 hrs away (so we could get away from her influence) and his response was "I can't leave my mom, because then she will be all alone". In the first year of marriage he was good at standing up to his mom, and then she just wore him down I think. They have a spousal-type relationship: really expensive gifts, flowers all the time for her, inter-money mingling, dinners together, constant phone calls, dressing up and going out together. My objecting accomplished nothing. He works in a place where it is mostly women and gay men. He'll be a late-late-late bloomer I think when his mom dies. I just couldn't keep putting my life on hold until then. I actually had that conversation with myself. Should I give this 10-15 more years for his mom to die, and then we can have a real shot at making this work? And I decided 'no' that is too many years to wait. boundaryproblem
bayouboi Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I don't know that I think he's necessarily gay. He should have been medically examined. I find it strange that he went from normal in the first 1.5 yrs to abnormal without there being some cause. Could be a number of medical issues. But he's your past, I wish you a happy future.
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