Delicious Dessert Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I've been dating my boyfriend now for about 6 months. We are both mature adults in our mid 40's and have never been married before. My boyfriend told me he babysat an ex-girlfriend's child from birth until his current age of 6 years old. He was not dating the woman when she had the the child. He claims to have had the boy about 50% of the time, as the ex-girlfriend liked to go out. The ex-girlfriend is about 17 years younger than him and now lives with a new boyfriend whom she is engaged to be married. However, the ex-girlfriend and my boyfriend have allowed the little boy to refer to my boyfriend as "dad" over the last 6 years (before we ever dated). My boyfriend developed an attachment to her child after the death of his parents and said the boy, who was only 3 at the time, helped him through the loss of his father. The boy's real father is not in the picture and split after he was born. The little boy resides around the block from where my boyfriend lives. My boyfriend has not been in a serious relationship over the last 6 years that he's been spending time with his ex-girlfriend's son. When we started dating, the ex-girlfriend didn't want her child around me and would not allow my boyfriend to see the boy. I've never met the ex-girlfriend to this day. Later on, the ex-girlfriend changed her mind and decided her son could come around me, as long as my boyfriend made it clear I was not to act as a mother to him. I decided to stay clear of the entire relationship bewteen my boyfriend, his ex-girlfriend and her son, due to the ex-girlfriend's instabiliity and hostility toward us as a couple. As our relationship progressed, the ex-girlfriend broke into my boyfriend's house one day to take back all of the boys pictures and toys from my boyfriend. On another occasion, she broke into his house late at night when I was spending the night. She was intoxicated and yelled at my boyfriend for not seeing "his own son" and referred to me as the person who wasn't allowing him to visit "his own son". My boyfriend assured me the child is not his and there has been no rellationship between him and his ex-girlfriend since the boy was born. I believe him fully, but feel the ex-girlfriend is too unstable for me to be involved in their odd child sharing situation. My boyfriend did not want to report either incident to the police, probably fearing the ex-girlfriend would never allow him to see the boy again. He also feared I was going to break up with him due to situation, but I stood by him, keeping my distance from their estranged relationship. The ex-girlfriend will no longer allow my boyfriend to see the boy and accuses him of breaking her child's heart because he chose me over the boy. However, my boyfriend tries to put himself in various positions where he might catch a glimpse or get the opportunity to see and talk with the child playing outside. It's almost become an obsession for him. He will drive down their street or spend large amounts of time in his garage or in his front yard hoping to see the boy. The boy often visists his grandparent's, who reside on the same street as my boyfriend. It's all too close to his house. Most recently, the ex-girlfriend threatened to file a stalking report against him to the police, when he drove down their street and stopped to say "Hello" to the boy. If my boyfriend say's "Hello" to the boy when he sees him at the grandparent's house, the ex-girlfriend quickly yells at her son to go into the house. The little boy is obviously hurting. The ex-girlfriend also flip flops on the issue as well. My boyfriend tells me his heart is broken and he feels as if he's lost another family member. I've tried to explain to him, he has no legal right to this child, as it is not his son and he may find himself in trouble with the law if he continues to try to pursue the relationship. I also explained to him the boy probably needs to develop a fatherly relationship with the ex-girlfriend's fiance, who resides with him. My boyfriend's actions may be preventing this relationship from flourishing. The current situation is not healthy in my opinion for any of them, including myself if the drama continues. My boyfriend constantly looks at pictures and brings up the little boy. He's even posted a picture of himself with the boy on one of the social networking sites, as his profile picture. It's uncomfortable for me to be at his house at times, as I worry about the ex-girlfriend breaking in again or damaging my vehicle parked in his drive way. I've told him the situation is too unstable for my participation and I don't view it as a healthy situation, since so the ex-girlfriend disregards and shows no respect for our relationship. My boyfriend told me he'll always love this child as if it were his own. He's against going to counseling to work out his feelings. He won't ask me to change my mind about the situation, but says he believes the ex-girlfriend will allow him to see the child again if we give her another chance. I believe the boy will only be hurt in the long run and denied a normal family relationship when his mother marries the fiance living in their own home. I feel the estranged mother and my boyfriend will continue to have a tumultuous relationship, which isn't positive for any child. My boyfriend shouldn't be denied the right to have a healthy relationship of his own either. I also believe our relationship will suffer again at the hands of his ex-girlfriend, as he's hesitant to appropriatey address her actions toward our relationship. What do you advise should be done for the betterment of the child and us as a couple, or should we even try to stay together?
Lish Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I've been dating my boyfriend now for about 6 months. We are both mature adults in our mid 40's and have never been married before. My boyfriend told me he babysat an ex-girlfriend's child from birth until his current age of 6 years old. He was not dating the woman when she had the the child. He claims to have had the boy about 50% of the time, as the ex-girlfriend liked to go out. The ex-girlfriend is about 17 years younger than him and now lives with a new boyfriend whom she is engaged to be married. However, the ex-girlfriend and my boyfriend have allowed the little boy to refer to my boyfriend as "dad" over the last 6 years (before we ever dated). My boyfriend developed an attachment to her child after the death of his parents and said the boy, who was only 3 at the time, helped him through the loss of his father. The boy's real father is not in the picture and split after he was born. The little boy resides around the block from where my boyfriend lives. My boyfriend has not been in a serious relationship over the last 6 years that he's been spending time with his ex-girlfriend's son. When we started dating, the ex-girlfriend didn't want her child around me and would not allow my boyfriend to see the boy. I've never met the ex-girlfriend to this day. Later on, the ex-girlfriend changed her mind and decided her son could come around me, as long as my boyfriend made it clear I was not to act as a mother to him. I decided to stay clear of the entire relationship bewteen my boyfriend, his ex-girlfriend and her son, due to the ex-girlfriend's instabiliity and hostility toward us as a couple. As our relationship progressed, the ex-girlfriend broke into my boyfriend's house one day to take back all of the boys pictures and toys from my boyfriend. On another occasion, she broke into his house late at night when I was spending the night. She was intoxicated and yelled at my boyfriend for not seeing "his own son" and referred to me as the person who wasn't allowing him to visit "his own son". My boyfriend assured me the child is not his and there has been no rellationship between him and his ex-girlfriend since the boy was born. I believe him fully, but feel the ex-girlfriend is too unstable for me to be involved in their odd child sharing situation. My boyfriend did not want to report either incident to the police, probably fearing the ex-girlfriend would never allow him to see the boy again. He also feared I was going to break up with him due to situation, but I stood by him, keeping my distance from their estranged relationship. The ex-girlfriend will no longer allow my boyfriend to see the boy and accuses him of breaking her child's heart because he chose me over the boy. However, my boyfriend tries to put himself in various positions where he might catch a glimpse or get the opportunity to see and talk with the child playing outside. It's almost become an obsession for him. He will drive down their street or spend large amounts of time in his garage or in his front yard hoping to see the boy. The boy often visists his grandparent's, who reside on the same street as my boyfriend. It's all too close to his house. Most recently, the ex-girlfriend threatened to file a stalking report against him to the police, when he drove down their street and stopped to say "Hello" to the boy. If my boyfriend say's "Hello" to the boy when he sees him at the grandparent's house, the ex-girlfriend quickly yells at her son to go into the house. The little boy is obviously hurting. The ex-girlfriend also flip flops on the issue as well. My boyfriend tells me his heart is broken and he feels as if he's lost another family member. I've tried to explain to him, he has no legal right to this child, as it is not his son and he may find himself in trouble with the law if he continues to try to pursue the relationship. I also explained to him the boy probably needs to develop a fatherly relationship with the ex-girlfriend's fiance, who resides with him. My boyfriend's actions may be preventing this relationship from flourishing. The current situation is not healthy in my opinion for any of them, including myself if the drama continues. My boyfriend constantly looks at pictures and brings up the little boy. He's even posted a picture of himself with the boy on one of the social networking sites, as his profile picture. It's uncomfortable for me to be at his house at times, as I worry about the ex-girlfriend breaking in again or damaging my vehicle parked in his drive way. I've told him the situation is too unstable for my participation and I don't view it as a healthy situation, since so the ex-girlfriend disregards and shows no respect for our relationship. My boyfriend told me he'll always love this child as if it were his own. He's against going to counseling to work out his feelings. He won't ask me to change my mind about the situation, but says he believes the ex-girlfriend will allow him to see the child again if we give her another chance. I believe the boy will only be hurt in the long run and denied a normal family relationship when his mother marries the fiance living in their own home. I feel the estranged mother and my boyfriend will continue to have a tumultuous relationship, which isn't positive for any child. My boyfriend shouldn't be denied the right to have a healthy relationship of his own either. I also believe our relationship will suffer again at the hands of his ex-girlfriend, as he's hesitant to appropriatey address her actions toward our relationship. What do you advise should be done for the betterment of the child and us as a couple, or should we even try to stay together? She needs to be clear about what's going on (his ex). She needs to make it clear, once and for all about if he's allowed access, if the answer is no, then there's NOTHING he can do about it, despite having a huge bond to the child. To be honest, her reasoning for banning access seems a little selfish imo, because he didn't want to be with HER anymore. She's stopping access which is hurting her son. Also, seeing your boyfriend will be upsetting and hurtful to child and it doesn't seem like he's about to give up forcing the child to see him. meaning the mother needs to take legal action against him. personally, i don't care about the ex's bad blood, or your relationship with your boyfriend, there is a child in the middle of all this and he needs to be protected from your boyfriend if the mothers wish is against it. He is breaking the law.
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