Hopeful4SecondChance Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I need advice from those of you who have gone through a betrayal and somehow made the relationship survive. I don't need people telling me how ****ty of a person I am.. thanks, but I already know that. Nor do I want to hear anyone telling me to just move on.. I want to make this work anyway I can. Thanks. I will try to make this short.. Our History: My BF and I have known each other for over a decade.. and we've been dating almost 4 years, living together for almost the whole time. For the first 3 years, we had a lot of ups and downs.. mostly to do with our sex life. I am a very sexual person.. if I could have it my way, it would be twice a day everyday.. however, I know thats just not practical. He is more of the type to have sex maybe once a week. However, he has had a serious compulsion with porn. This has caused a lot of problems for us in the past. Especially due to the fact that most of the times he would turn me down, it was because he had already "relieved" himself earlier in the day with porn. It got to the point that he was looking at it on his phone while at work. He lied and lied about it, and never fessed up until I was literally slapping him in the face with evidence. We went to counseling for it.. I'd begged and pleaded for a change.. or a compromise or something. It just always seemed to become a bigger fight than it was worth. And slowly, I was feeling more and more insignificant. The Incident: So a little over a month ago, I went camping with some friends. I didnt originally intend on staying the night at the campsite, however, I got too drunk to drive. There were no spare tents, so a longtime male friend offered me a sleeping bag and the back of his truck to sleep in. Drunk as a skunk, I climbed into the bed of his truck to pass out for the night. I vaguely remember waking up to him climbing in, saying something about his tent collapsing. I didnt think much of it.. so I went back to sleep. I woke up again to him rubbing up on me.. feeling me up. So I flat out told him that it wasnt going to happen, that I couldnt do that to my BF. He said he understood, stopped his pursuit, and we passed out. A few hours later, I woke up with my pants down to my thighs and getting rubbed up on again. Now I know its not an excuse but being as drunk as I was and being dillusional from being half asleep, I forgot where I was. Also, the way my BF always wakes me up for sex is by spooning me, rubbing me awake. So a mixture of all of the above, for the beginning seconds, I completely and honestly thought it was my BF. It wasnt until he said my name that I realized where I was and what was going on. The moment I knew, I stopped him dead in his tracks. Drunk as a effing skunk, I stopped what was happeneing because I knew it was wrong and didnt want it to go on any further. I got up and went and slept in a chair by the fire. I felt filthy and used. I went home the next day and told my BF. He was obviously heart broken and asked me to move out. Since then, we've talked and decided that we want to try to continue to make it work. I know I have to build the trust back up.. and I am willing more than anything to do so. I just dont know how to make it work. On top of that.. is it something that he will ever be able to get past? I need some serious input please!
eeyore1981 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 This was sexual assault. This is not cheating. How is this cheating? Because in a drunken stupor, you mistakenly believed at first you were with your bf? For you to even present this as a case of cheating, is the same thing as saying any time a woman gets drunk off her @ss, she is inviting and willing anyone with a penis to stick it in her. I suggest couple's counseling to help you deal with the fact you were raped, and for your bf to deal with the fact you were raped. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
ReturnToSender Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Um. If that happened exactly as you said it did...if that happened to me and I told my bf about it...hed be hunting that guy down to kill him dead. You didnt cheat..that man took advantage of you in your condition and assaulted you. Im angry about what that guy did to you...and Im not exactly thrilled with it that your bf sees this as a betrayal of trust on your part to him or the relationship. God, Id almost be afraid to tell my bf...I know he would lose it completely!
whichwayisup Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 so a longtime male friend offered me a sleeping bag and the back of his truck to sleep in. You need to charge this guy with attempted rape! He is NO REAL FRIEND of yours! He took advantage of you while you were drunk and passed out. Sorry, but in all honesty, your boyfriend is wrong here. You didn't do anything wrong! Except that you feel like you cheated, when infact, you didn't. I hope your bf comes around and supports you through this.
LakesideDream Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Ditto all the above. You are not a cheater, you are the victim of a sexual assault. I don't understand the BF's reaction. If it was my SO I would be angry..... with the man perpetrating the assault. Which highlights the real problem. If the BF can't understand the situation and be empathetic, maybe it's time for a new BF.
Owl Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 There are a couple of problems here. First, I agree with everyone...this wasn't cheating, this was sexual assault. You clearly said "NO"...he continued...his butt needs to be in jail at least. I also agree...your BF needs to realize that this was NOT infidelity/cheating...you told him no, twice...and didn't let things 'consumate'. The one thing that YOU do need to take into consideration is the alchohol as an issue. If you get this drunk, my next question is if this is a relatively common occurrence (the drinking to incapacity, not the assault). I'd tell you that you need to seriously consider what to do about that as well. But if everything went down as you described, you've got nothing to feel guilty about other than some poor judgement in choosing to drink to that point...you're not responsible for this bastage's actions!!!!! HE IS. And your BF needs to recognize that.
PhoenixRise Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Is it possible that your BF is using this incident that happened on the camping trip as a way of getting you off his back regarding the porn? He thinks that now the playing field is even since now he can say you cheated? I agree with the other posters regarding the nature of this "incident" I think you were sexually assaulted. You didn't give consent, in fact, you said no. It was an assault. AND frankly, if your BF doesn't see this then he is not marriage material.
KikiW Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Adding my voice of agreement for all of the above. You didn't cheat, this "long time male friend" is a slime and should be arrested. You said no and were inebriated, he's a dirtbag. And your boyfriend asking you to move out because of that? What a JERK, IMHO.
boldjack Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I agree with the other posters, there is no excuse for what the other guy did to you, but there is no excuse for you being in that position either. If you can't handle your alcohol, you shouldn't drink it. If you were being assaulted, why didn't you scream or raise hell or call for help? Then everybody in the camp would have known and could support you , in your claim that this guy assaulted you. You say that in your drunken state, you thought it was your BF, yet you allowed this guy to move in to the truck with you and didn't object. Did you think he was your BF then? After he started rubbing up against you, why didn't you leave or call for help then? You may think I'm bashing you, but these are the kinds of questions that are probably going through your BF's mind, right now. And if you are to have any chance of reconnecting with him, you need to give your BF some straight answers to them. If you truly felt and feel that you were assaulted, you need to have the guy arrested and charged, if for nothing else, than to show that you were not a willing participant. Your BF needs to man-up and kick the crap out of this so-called friend. If somebody tried this with my girl, they would be eating soup for the rest of their lives, and probably wouldn't be able to father children.
MistyK Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I agree with the other posters, there is no excuse for what the other guy did to you, but there is no excuse for you being in that position either. If you can't handle your alcohol, you shouldn't drink it. If you were being assaulted, why didn't you scream or raise hell or call for help? Then everybody in the camp would have known and could support you , in your claim that this guy assaulted you. You say that in your drunken state, you thought it was your BF, yet you allowed this guy to move in to the truck with you and didn't object. Did you think he was your BF then? After he started rubbing up against you, why didn't you leave or call for help then? You may think I'm bashing you, but these are the kinds of questions that are probably going through your BF's mind, right now. And if you are to have any chance of reconnecting with him, you need to give your BF some straight answers to them. If you truly felt and feel that you were assaulted, you need to have the guy arrested and charged, if for nothing else, than to show that you were not a willing participant. Your BF needs to man-up and kick the crap out of this so-called friend. If somebody tried this with my girl, they would be eating soup for the rest of their lives, and probably wouldn't be able to father children. BJ, I've been in the position of being too drunk to do anything but breathe. And some a**hole tried to take advantage of that. Thankfully, my friend's H kicked his a**. But I was not able to protest or scream because honestly my head was underwater. In fact, I didn't scream when my step-brother assualted me as a kid either. I know it sounds like the logical reaction, but it just doesn't happen that way sometimes. Not long after, the same thing happened again with another jerkface, and again my best friend had to come to the rescue. I guess I thought the 1st incident was a fluke and trusted the people around me. It was only then that I realized that everytime I did that, I put myself in danger, and it isn't wise to keep relying on my friends. So, I have not put myself inthat position ever again. Nor will I. It's unfortunate that I had to learn the hard way. IMO, this clown shouldn't have been anywhere near her knowing she was in no state to consent. Even if she didn't protest, or even encouraged it, honest guys won't go there when a girl's inebriated. Either way, I get the impression that she's embarrassed as hell and it may be easier for her right now to think of herself as a cheater vs a rape victim. It's obviously easier for her boyfriend. That may be just his lame way to cope.
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