ladymistique Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Hi all! I'm new here and I think it's wonderful that so many insightful people are on this site sharing their experiences. Hopefully, most of us will be sharing happier ones soon , So, brief summary about why I am here. Was in a year and couple months relationship with live-in ex-boyfriend. We had our issues, thought we could work it out until two months ago I found some intimate emails between himself and a colleague at work (also involved in a relationship). I confronted him and he admitted to having feelings for her and being intimate with her (although he denied sleeping with her). He said he didn't want to break up and he was trying to figure out when to tell me about his other lady. Right . I broke up with him that same day and moved out as a relationship without trust is not my cup of tea. We have been on a mixture on no to low contact in which we exchange messages only to discuss loan repayments and so on. So, it's been a couple of months and weeks and I am frustrated that I am not progressing as well as I like. I still very much care about what he is thinking and doing and so on. And he is still very much in my thoughts. Help!
Pain Redefined Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 The trust in this relationship seemed to be an ongoing factor. Like you said, without the trust, you cannot have a lasting and loving relationship. Beyond the infidelity that you located in emails, my question is why were you checking his emails in the first place? You must have had some previous trust issue or something telling you that things just were not right. Point is that I believe people cheat because the person they are with is no longer filling a need. Some people realize this and end relationships, others hold on and cheat hoping to "keep their options open". Both cases are wrong. Instead, the key to a happy and healthy relationship is communication. I cannot convey to you how much it perplexes me that people just do not sit down and lay their feelings out. Whatever it may be, no matter how hard they are to hear. Instead, we hurt, hide and wear masks all the time. My suggestion is that people make mistakes. Convey how hurt you are, explain your feelings and find out why this person grabbed his attention over you. In the midst of that conversation you will get the answers that will quell the "Not being over it" aspect. Perhaps you will find that you can make it work. I will warn you however, people cheat for a reason and if that reason is not addressed it will happen again. G'luck.
Author ladymistique Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 So true, so true. The reason I checked the emails was because I just had a gut feeling that I never had before. It was weird because I never did anything like that before, with him or anyone else. I agree with you, communication is key. However, I think that the No Contact thing is helping me alot and I do not want to sacrifice what progress I made, albeit slower progress than I would like , by seeking further explanation. When we had the breakup discussion, his answers were vague and confusing and I don't think he is willing and/or able to give more insight than that. I think seeking answers from him would re-open emotional wounds.
jaybird1043 Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 I am going through a break up too and non-stop think about her but a good audio book to download is called "It's Called a Break-up Because Its Broken", it will cheer you up and make you laugh at yourself at times. Chin up, right now some guy is looking for Ms. Right aka YOU!
Author ladymistique Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Thanks jaybird! I actually have that book in hard copy- it's a good time . Keep up the good work and laughing............ a charming lady is on her way for you too !
DustySaltus Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 In my opinion having a "gut" feeling about something does not justify checking someone's emails. Why don't you just ask him if something is going on? Going into people's private stuff is something that I will never agree with considering my ex was checking my emails for months and totally miconstrued things. Trust was broken at that point whether you found something or not. With that being said what he did was obviously wrong and you have a right to do what you did. He messed up a good thing.
Author ladymistique Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Hi Dusty. I think you're right.... I could have asked. I don't like the idea of snooping around and I don't think it is something I will do again. I didn't like the feeling of doing it, aside from the unpleasant discovery. In any case, I'm sorry that your ex misconstrued things. I think both examples highlights the importance of communication in relationships for better or worse. Thanks for your thoughts.
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