What's the Diffeence between OW and MOW?

[foreal]

I am posting this over here hoping OW will come over and post...did not post in OW b/c I don;t want to come off as being rude..this is a sincere question.

 

My H had an A w/ MOW...she was a friend.

 

SO I am trying to deal with H's betrayal as well as a friend's betrayal...

 

And so I am trying to understand it from HER perspective....She's M. NOt happily...at least that is what she told me...not too miserable to leave though..her H provides for her VERY well...she has every material thing she could want. She works b/c she does not want children and feels she should 'do something'....she is a secretary w/ no further educational or career goals.

 

So she has an A with a MM. And she is a MW.

 

So what is the difference when you are a MW? Is it like being a MM where you just want something on the side and then it turns into more sometimes?

 

Are MW who have an A similiar to MM who have As?

 

I dunno..I am just wondering why she would do such a thing to herself...and then why she would do it to me? And why hasn't she written me to tell me how truly sorry she is for hurting me? it is not as if I am a stranger, and unknown....

 

I am having a tough day..so many betrayals....Bad enough to have my H do this, but geezus, now I find myself suspectful of ALL women..where before I felt such a sisterhood.

 

:confused:

 

OH CRAP! SOrry! I did not realize I posted this in OW..please don't hurt me!!!!

[jennie-jennie]

We're not going to hurt you.

 

I can't really answer your question though.

[foreal]

JJ

 

Can you tell me though why you think MOW, my friend, would not at least get in touch w/ me? Do you think she at least feels bad? or is it she is pissed that I got my cheating muther fucher H and now her playmate is no longer available??

 

how desperate am I??!! Thanks for not hurting me!

[jennie-jennie]

JJ

 

Can you tell me though why you think MOW, my friend, would not at least get in touch w/ me? Do you think she at least feels bad? or is it she is pissed that I got my cheating muther fucher H and now her playmate is no longer available??

 

how desperate am I??!! Thanks for not hurting me!

 

OK, I will stretch way back in my history where my best friend and I were in love with the same man.

 

She had broken up with him, and then we had a romance but it ended quickly when she wanted him back. He choose to go back to her. For a while he was playing with both of us.

 

Our friendship remained and still does to this day. I remember our other friends remarking that it was so strange that we could continue to be friends through all of this, fighting for the same man.

 

So it can be done. Not sure if my story helps you, but it can be done.

 

Not knowing that much about your circumstances. Where did the other women stand? Was it sex and fun or was it love and serious? Perhaps she is just very ashamed of it all and fears being confronted with you? How close were you before?

[foreal]

OK, I will stretch way back in my history where my best friend and I were in love with the same man.

 

She had broken up with him, and then we had a romance but it ended quickly when she wanted him back. He choose to go back to her. For a while he was playing with both of us.

 

Our friendship remained and still does to this day. I remember our other friends remarking that it was so strange that we could continue to be friends through all of this, fighting for the same man.

 

So it can be done. Not sure if my story helps you, but it can be done.

 

Not knowing that much about your circumstances. Where did the other women stand? Was it sex and fun or was it love and serious? Perhaps she is just very ashamed of it all and fears being confronted with you? How close were you before?

 

We've known each other for years (15plus)...losttouch for several, then got back in touch 5 years ago- not best friends, but close enough to have her into my home, go out to dinner with her and her H etc...we never got really close as she was not ever very 'open' as a person. She always had a sad side and I tried to include her in things...then she got M (which is when we got back in touch)

 

From what my H tells me, she was telling him (they work together..not often, but last year were put together for a project) last year how crappy her H treated her...as in not paying enough attention to her. My H said, 'well not every M is perfect' to which she replied, "yours and Foreals is though" to which he replied, "Well, we dont always communicate that well and right now we are not at all"...and from that, it seems they were "ON"...she began texting him a lot, calling him etc, and according to H, she at one point told him outright I want to F you, just for fun...but I think she has always had a thing for my H..I just never ever was a jealous type and my H never gave me cause to be....so I did not feel threatened at all by them working together.....I do think she fell in love with him.

 

Maybe she is just ashamed. I hope she feels some remorse...i can see getting involved w/ a MM..but when it is someone's H that you know, that you know well enough to attend family events with etc..wow.

 

I often think of calling her or writing her a letter to just tell her how hurt I am, how SHE hurt me. But I think it will do me no good. Whats done is done. I do think she is missing my H badly....even for a cheater, he is a geat guy, when not cheating..ha ha booo hoooooooo!!!!!

[skywriter]

foreal,

 

It's so hard to assume what another persons motives are. With that in mind I'll go out on a limb and take a stab at your question.

 

Maybe, your friend has been in a marriage with problems for a long time and your H offered her something, (attention, affections) that she

wasn't getting .

 

Once she was involved she might have felt terrible for what she was doing and yet she wasn't ready to give up the feelings she experienced when she was with your H.

 

Now that the A has been D, she probably feels the best thing she could do at this point is to stay out of your life and let you salvage what, if anything is left to be salvaged. She may well feel that you never want to see or hear from her again and that there isn't anything that she could possibly say to make you feel any better.

[skywriter]

Oh foreal, you posted just ahead of me and I see that you echoed alot of what I was thinking. Sorry, I was trying to answer your question.

[foreal]

foreal,

 

It's so hard to assume what another persons motives are. With that in mind I'll go out on a limb and take a stab at your question.

 

Maybe, your friend has been in a marriage with problems for a long time and your H offered her something, (attention, affections) that she

wasn't getting .

 

Once she was involved she might have felt terrible for what she was doing and yet she wasn't ready to give up the feelings she experienced when she was with your H.

 

Now that the A has been D, she probably feels the best thing she could do at this point is to stay out of your life and let you salvage what, if anything is left to be salvaged. She may well feel that you never want to see or hear from her again and that there isn't anything that she could possibly say to make you feel any better.

 

thanks Sykwriter....

 

What you say makes sense....and you are right about one thing even if these are not her feelings on this " there isn't anything that she could possibly say to make you feel any better."

 

I have to just let it go.....

[jennie-jennie]

Hugs, foreal, hugs to heal the double hurt...

 

I do hope she was in love with him, because sex for fun with a friend's H is NOT okay. Skywriter's theory seems plausible to me.

[Spoiled]

Foreal,

 

I am a MW who had an A with a MM. Very similar situation, we were friends and hung out as couples. Unfortunately, we were both unhappy in our marriages and had certain unmet needs, not just me. The A required mutual participation. Each WS will tell the BS how unhappy the OW/OM was in their marriages. We were both fulfilling certain emotional and physical needs for each other. It was not our intent to take our relationship to that level, and it didn't just happen either. We were two grown adults who knew it was wrong but made the poor choice to have the A, we knew each other for years, knew each others' spouses and trusted one another. I would justify my actions by saying to myself that "at least he's not a stranger." We knew we were putting our frienships and families at stake but really thought just maybe, it will not be discovered.

 

Hopefully, your H has not only found out what he desires and needs from you, but has expressed those needs to you. Of course my friend was furious and hurt to discover that the OW was me. At times I felt as if she blamed me more them him versus making him own up to his responsiblity toward her.

 

I apologized to her when the A was initially discovered but have not contacted her since for several reasons. One, we were still in contact verbally and physically for several more months, an apology would have not been sincere. Two, she was so angry with me, I did not want to add fuel to the fire. Three, how could I possibly contact her to apologize when I still have strong emotions for her H. Lastly, I feel tremendous guilt and shame for betraying my both my spouse and my friend. In these situations, everyone is hurting in some similar and different ways.

 

Stay strong and I hope everything works out well.

[freestyle]

Foreal,

 

you mentioned writing her a letter. I think it could be a cathartic experience for you if you do. Write it, and you may find that you don`t need to send it.Simply taking the time to let it all out may help you a lot.

 

If she has anything remotely resembling a conscience, she may apologize, but my guess is it wouldn`t be until the dust has settled.

 

I feel soooooooo terribly for what you're going through right now.It`s gonna be a long ride...........(((Foreal)))

[foreal]

Foreal,

 

I am a MW who had an A with a MM. Very similar situation, we were friends and hung out as couples. Unfortunately, we were both unhappy in our marriages and had certain unmet needs, not just me. The A required mutual participation. Each WS will tell the BS how unhappy the OW/OM was in their marriages. We were both fulfilling certain emotional and physical needs for each other. It was not our intent to take our relationship to that level, and it didn't just happen either. We were two grown adults who knew it was wrong but made the poor choice to have the A, we knew each other for years, knew each others' spouses and trusted one another. I would justify my actions by saying to myself that "at least he's not a stranger." We knew we were putting our frienships and families at stake but really thought just maybe, it will not be discovered.

 

Hopefully, your H has not only found out what he desires and needs from you, but has expressed those needs to you. Of course my friend was furious and hurt to discover that the OW was me. At times I felt as if she blamed me more them him versus making him own up to his responsiblity toward her.

 

I apologized to her when the A was initially discovered but have not contacted her since for several reasons. One, we were still in contact verbally and physically for several more months, an apology would have not been sincere. Two, she was so angry with me, I did not want to add fuel to the fire. Three, how could I possibly contact her to apologize when I still have strong emotions for her H. Lastly, I feel tremendous guilt and shame for betraying my both my spouse and my friend. In these situations, everyone is hurting in some similar and different ways.

 

Stay strong and I hope everything works out well.

 

Thank you so much for this post. And thanks to all of you who have posted.

 

Spoiled, you've helped me. A lot.

 

As far as them both being unhappy in their M...she for sure was (is?). As for my H, I believe he was not satisfied/happy with our M.... and he was not at all happy within himself- I think that was/is the biggest problem.

 

It is easy to see what happened with us...it was a 2 year slide...him sliding down with me attempting to hang on.

 

By the time they became involved, he had all but checked out of any emotions at all- with me, our son, his family etc..he was vacant emotionally. Unfortunately, I confided in my friend that he was having a rough time and I actually asked her to keep an eye on him....ohh how I wish I could go back in time with that one.

 

So I think when he told her all was not perfect with us, maybe she figured now is my chance..and she took it. And he responded.

 

I think he crushed her emotionally. He cut her off and out quickly. Sometimes at night I lie in bed and think of her and wonder if she is there with her husband as sad as I am with mine now...but for different reasons.

 

My H is in IC and finally working on his 'issues' that go waaaay back before I came along. If anything, he should come out of this an emotionally healthier person. As for her she was pretty emotionally wacked before...they both had in common fathers who abandoned them and he did tell me they discussed that (this was before they had the PA, when she was 'helping' him....it wasn't too long after that he never mentioned her to me again...only when i would ask about how she was doing at work etc). I hope she seeks counseling...my H is not her first A with someone she works with...again, I just never thought she would go down that road with a friend's H. Lesson learned for me.

 

thanks again to all you ladies.

[MistyK]

I think that MW are generally just like MM in that they are seeking to fill a void - use a supplement to their marriage rather than fixing or leaving the marriage.

 

It was different for me. I was truly miserable in my M and was considering leaving a year before the A happened. Around that time (a year before the A) I got accidentally pregnant with my youngest (which was almost miraculous as we'd only had sex once in a 3 month span by my choice). So then I felt trapped. I went into IC to help me muddle through the M because I felt it was beyond fixing. The emotional divide between us had grown over the years and by the end we were simply waving to each other across the grand canyon.

 

Anyway, the A showed me that I could have a different life than the one I resigned myself to. And I didn't want to be a cheater, so I exited, quickly. At that time it was about ending my marriage becase it was irretrieveably broken, not for MM. At that point I had no expectation that he would leave his W, and honestly I didn't want him to until after my seperation/divorce was resolved because I was still trying to keep the A secret. I was ashamed. I still am.

 

Having an A with a friend's husband is another animal altogether. I can't imagine having a real-life person there in your mind and in your life as opposed to a nameless faceless W who the MM describes as a succubus. Does her H know yet?

[stillafool]

I think your friend won't talk to you because she is guilty as hell and to cowardly to face you. She is selfish and is not going to tell you that. She is willing to keep her husband for financial reasons and screw her friend's husband on the side. What could she possibly say to you? (I'm sorry!? She already knows that you know she is the sorriest thing walking so what can she really say to you?

[2sure]

foreal

 

Sure men and women want some different things out of a relationship, they have different triggers, different things that boost their egos.

 

But most of the reasons people who are married cheat are the same between men and women. ESPECIALLY those who do not want to end their marriages. Its just a selfish thing. An added luxury, an outlet, an ego boost. It doesnt take long for them to require this ego boost..and it needs to be fed. So, affairs continue - the partners sometimes mistake the ego boost they get for love feelings OR the cheater simply gets the boost from a multitude of partners, moving from one to the next.

 

Just a slefish thing. Like eating doughnuts alone in your car. In the gym parking lot. You are being a pig and will never admit to it , you know its wrong. You never bring boxes of them home to share with your family. But you love the doughnuts.

[foreal]

Having an A with a friend's husband is another animal altogether. I can't imagine having a real-life person there in your mind and in your life as opposed to a nameless faceless W who the MM describes as a succubus. Does her H know yet?

 

I sent him an anonymous email telling him his W was having an A but included nothing but that. The next day she broke NC and screamed at my H that I was a bitch and he was an ahole and we were trying to ruin her life as now her H was going to throw her out on the street....but that did not happen. So I think perhaps she smoothed it over/covered her ass and/or he just was not that upset to kick her to the curb.

 

I have debated w/ myself whether or not to tell him, really tell him, but at this point I think I should just let sleeping dogs lie so to speak....good idea?

[MistyK]

 

I have debated w/ myself whether or not to tell him, really tell him, but at this point I think I should just let sleeping dogs lie so to speak....good idea?

 

He probably already has his suspicions and at this point he may be choosing not to investigate them. You mentioned that she has had other A's, so he probably already "knows" what he's dealing with and accepts it. Given that, your telling him probably wouldn't do much good, IMO.

[PhoenixRise]

I sent him an anonymous email telling him his W was having an A but included nothing but that. The next day she broke NC and screamed at my H that I was a bitch and he was an ahole and we were trying to ruin her life as now her H was going to throw her out on the street....but that did not happen. So I think perhaps she smoothed it over/covered her ass and/or he just was not that upset to kick her to the curb.

 

I have debated w/ myself whether or not to tell him, really tell him, but at this point I think I should just let sleeping dogs lie so to speak....good idea?

 

 

I don't see how you have NOT told MOW/ backstabbing friend's H the whole truth. I probaly could not have held it for this long.

 

I would tell, tell, tell, then tell some more.

 

Would it be for revenge?? You Bet It Would.

 

No way I would have let her go back to her H like nothing happened while I was living in hell trying to decide the rest of my future with my H.

 

For you and your family, letting sleeping dogs lie may be the right thing. After all, who knows how MOW's H will react. He could come after your H.

 

But for me.... MOW's H would have been the third call I made on dday, right after my BFF and my mom.

[Spoiled]

As far as them both being unhappy in their M...she for sure was (is?). As for my H, I believe he was not satisfied/happy with our M.... and he was not at all happy within himself- I think that was/is the biggest problem.

 

It is easy to see what happened with us...it was a 2 year slide...him sliding down with me attempting to hang on.

 

By the time they became involved, he had all but checked out of any emotions at all- with me, our son, his family etc..he was vacant emotionally. Unfortunately, I confided in my friend that he was having a rough time and I actually asked her to keep an eye on him....ohh how I wish I could go back in time with that one.

 

So I think when he told her all was not perfect with us, maybe she figured now is my chance..and she took it. And he responded.

 

I think he crushed her emotionally. He cut her off and out quickly. Sometimes at night I lie in bed and think of her and wonder if she is there with her husband as sad as I am with mine now...but for different reasons.

 

 

Foreal,

 

Same for us. We were both unhappy for over 1.5 years and very emotionally disconnected from our spouses. We had similar situations and had the initial intent of helping each other. We both admitted how much we loved our spouses and never wanted to leave them, we were selfish and did not know how to handle our situations. We were too prideful to seek IC or demand MC. As a child, my parents seemed disconnected most of the time, I honestly saw that as normal and expected that in marriage. Especially after ten years. I was aware of some of their issues prior to the A but my friend never confided in me regarding details.

 

If she has a conscience, your xfriend is definitely having difficult times. Embarrassment, shame, guilt, stress, and spiritual problems. Her H made her feel abandoned, neglected, angry, resentful, and lonely. Your H made her feel rejected, not good enough, and used. She should be sad, two men have hurt her. The self esteem boost she received from your H has now become one of the worst hits to her self esteem.

 

With IC and MC, my situation has changed drastically. My H has been very understanding and making great efforts to reconnect with me. Did I deserve the decrease in trust and angry outbursts from him, DEFINITELY. His overall response was that of patience and understanding b/c he does not deny how bad our relationship was in the past. We are now aware how WE contributed to why we were disconnected. I was the weak and selfish one who did not handle the situation appropriately. I am putting forth great effort to prove my remorse and love for him. For us, this has been a wakeup call and our marriage is flourishing in all areas.

 

The road ahead is difficult but there is hope.

[foreal]

I don't see how you have NOT told MOW/ backstabbing friend's H the whole truth. I probaly could not have held it for this long.

 

I would tell, tell, tell, then tell some more.

 

Would it be for revenge?? You Bet It Would.

 

No way I would have let her go back to her H like nothing happened while I was living in hell trying to decide the rest of my future with my H.

 

For you and your family, letting sleeping dogs lie may be the right thing. After all, who knows how MOW's H will react. He could come after your H.

 

But for me.... MOW's H would have been the third call I made on dday, right after my BFF and my mom.

 

Phoenix,

 

I struggle daily with calling him and telling him...i want to soooooo badly...SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO badly.

 

I have a son. I want to protect him. The 'what ifs' stop me: What if her H comes to our home to confront my H? What if my son gets caught in the middle? What if she accuses my H of sexual harrasment (he is in a higher position than her) or says he did something illegal at work etc etc...it really pisses me off that I am not telling her H...I want to..maybe I will start a thread and seek opinions....

[foreal]

Foreal,

 

Same for us. We were both unhappy for over 1.5 years and very emotionally disconnected from our spouses. We had similar situations and had the initial intent of helping each other. We both admitted how much we loved our spouses and never wanted to leave them, we were selfish and did not know how to handle our situations. We were too prideful to seek IC or demand MC. As a child, my parents seemed disconnected most of the time, I honestly saw that as normal and expected that in marriage. Especially after ten years. I was aware of some of their issues prior to the A but my friend never confided in me regarding details.

 

If she has a conscience, your xfriend is definitely having difficult times. Embarrassment, shame, guilt, stress, and spiritual problems. Her H made her feel abandoned, neglected, angry, resentful, and lonely. Your H made her feel rejected, not good enough, and used. She should be sad, two men have hurt her. The self esteem boost she received from your H has now become one of the worst hits to her self esteem.

 

With IC and MC, my situation has changed drastically. My H has been very understanding and making great efforts to reconnect with me. Did I deserve the decrease in trust and angry outbursts from him, DEFINITELY. His overall response was that of patience and understanding b/c he does not deny how bad our relationship was in the past. We are now aware how WE contributed to why we were disconnected. I was the weak and selfish one who did not handle the situation appropriately. I am putting forth great effort to prove my remorse and love for him. For us, this has been a wakeup call and our marriage is flourishing in all areas.

 

The road ahead is difficult but there is hope.

 

Spoiled,

 

how did your A come out?

 

I am not sure if my xfreind's H knows for sure about the A...or certainly he is not sure WHO she had it with.

I go back and forth on telling him directly.....what advise would you give?

 

THANKS

[Spoiled]

Spoiled,

 

how did your A come out?

 

I am not sure if my xfreind's H knows for sure about the A...or certainly he is not sure WHO she had it with.

I go back and forth on telling him directly.....what advise would you give?

 

THANKS

 

 

Foreal,

 

Her H needs to know, seriously. There was no way she was going to let this past without my H's knowledge. But, I thought it was more important for him to hear it from me. And neither of us discouraged our spouses from speaking with each other. It gave us accountability, it was far more difficult maintaining our relationship and secrecy with both being aware. it was a relief to me, I was struggling with guilt.....not sleeping, not eating, etc. I disappeared from friends because I was not living the life that was portrayed. An educated and successful woman who had the "perfect" H and children, the "perfect" home, the woman who many said they wanted to be and look at me..........living a double life(liar, adulteress)....Awful, I could do it no longer. I sought counseling immediately, he did not, therefore, I was the stronger one to cut all communication. My H displayed his support, his love for me, and has shown forgiveness which helped me. It was difficult and sad but I had to trust it would get better. And thankfully, months later, my life is much better.

[Snowflower]

Foreal,

 

Same for us. We were both unhappy for over 1.5 years and very emotionally disconnected from our spouses. We had similar situations and had the initial intent of helping each other. We both admitted how much we loved our spouses and never wanted to leave them, we were selfish and did not know how to handle our situations. We were too prideful to seek IC or demand MC. As a child, my parents seemed disconnected most of the time, I honestly saw that as normal and expected that in marriage. Especially after ten years. I was aware of some of their issues prior to the A but my friend never confided in me regarding details.

 

If she has a conscience, your xfriend is definitely having difficult times. Embarrassment, shame, guilt, stress, and spiritual problems. Her H made her feel abandoned, neglected, angry, resentful, and lonely. Your H made her feel rejected, not good enough, and used. She should be sad, two men have hurt her. The self esteem boost she received from your H has now become one of the worst hits to her self esteem.

 

With IC and MC, my situation has changed drastically. My H has been very understanding and making great efforts to reconnect with me. Did I deserve the decrease in trust and angry outbursts from him, DEFINITELY. His overall response was that of patience and understanding b/c he does not deny how bad our relationship was in the past. We are now aware how WE contributed to why we were disconnected. I was the weak and selfish one who did not handle the situation appropriately. I am putting forth great effort to prove my remorse and love for him. For us, this has been a wakeup call and our marriage is flourishing in all areas.

 

The road ahead is difficult but there is hope.

 

Spoiled, I can somehow really relate to your post which is kind of surprising to me since I am a BW (actually prefer to say a FBW now).

 

But this is one of the most coherent OW posts I have read on this forum...it is so honest and it is refreshing. I could only wish, in some respects, that the OW in my husband's situation was as honest as you.

 

When you write above about what the OW (the xfriend) might have been feeling-I find myself quite compassionate toward any woman in this situation. I know my husband's OW was a little bit like you describe and I can feel some compassion for her if she truly felt like this.

 

And, what you write here sounds a lot like my husband's POV about our pre-affair marriage, his affair, and the marital recovery. I am glad that your husband has forgiven you and is working with you to build a better marriage. I also know that my pre-affair marriage was pretty bad, much like you mention above so I can relate (I think) to what your husband feels. I wish you the best of luck in your marital recovery.

 

Thank you for writing this, Spoiled.

[Spoiled]

Spoiled, I can somehow really relate to your post which is kind of surprising to me since I am a BW (actually prefer to say a FBW now).

 

But this is one of the most coherent OW posts I have read on this forum...it is so honest and it is refreshing. I could only wish, in some respects, that the OW in my husband's situation was as honest as you.

 

When you write above about what the OW (the xfriend) might have been feeling-I find myself quite compassionate toward any woman in this situation. I know my husband's OW was a little bit like you describe and I can feel some compassion for her if she truly felt like this.

 

And, what you write here sounds a lot like my husband's POV about our pre-affair marriage, his affair, and the marital recovery. I am glad that your husband has forgiven you and is working with you to build a better marriage. I also know that my pre-affair marriage was pretty bad, much like you mention above so I can relate (I think) to what your husband feels. I wish you the best of luck in your marital recovery.

 

Thank you for writing this, Spoiled.

 

Thanks Sunflower. Foreal's xfriend may not admit to having those feelings but I have been there and for me, it was not a good place. My H actually apologized to me for neglecting me in the past. I revealed to him on several occasions what I needed and that I was very unhappy up to a year prior to the A(NO excuse for the A). I should have prayed more and demanded MC. I am grateful my H cherishes the wonderful qualities I do possess and felt our M was worth salvaging.

[eyeswide]

foreal, you don't seem to have PM functioning turned on. I can't go into it here, but you REALLY should PM me. I can DEFINITELY relate to what you are talking about. PM me...