rayellis1127 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I'm new and want to apologize if I'm not following the format. I've search around and this seems the right spot for what I need to say. My ex & I broke up about two months ago. For the three years we were together she invaded my privacy by reading txt messages, emails, or my 'breadbox' where I keep personal & handwritten notes. Two months ago I called it off. I accused her of having control issues & invading my privacy & I simply had enough. She moved out & I did whatever I could think of to keep it from being dirty. But she tore up our apt., took sentimental items of mine and more. After two weeks we had contact. That lasted about three days. It stopped because she called me one morning to confess she had dated & "kissed" another man and said she wanted to tell me to clear the air. Since then there's been no direct contact. I insisted she wanted to tell me in order to express her control issue again. A huge argument followed & I said some of the nastiest things to her I've ever said to a woman. The contact stopped then. I even blocked her from my phone & gmail because she called & texted me so much. However, we share a message board community. And have for the most part stayed out of threads the other posted in (at least I know I made the effort intentionally). I hadn't visited the board in several days because I've worked several doubles covering for an ill coworker, and last night I returned to a thread discussing 'me', 'us', and how awful a person I am. To people I've know for years before she came around (I introduced to the community). To top off my horrible night, she had set up another email and sent me these video images of her being intimate with another man. There are three videos and everything is there. Like a fool I watched them. I can't remember ever feeling so horrible & sick to my stomach. I've spent the night calling everybody I could possibly call. Including her. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I called and called but she never answered. All I could think of was this must be how she felt when I wouldn't answer her calls. I called every friend & family member I could think of. Finally about three hours ago someone got back in contact with me *and* I happened to find this community searching for some outlet. I wanted to visit her work or keep calling her. I've been up for more than 24 hours now & am no where near sleepy. And I got another double shift starting in about an hour. I don't know what to do when I get to work and can't talk to anyone about this. I want to call off work but the idea of not being alone is the only thing convincing me to go in. Since 2 pm yesterday I've been more lonely than I can ever remember being. I've read quite a few threads with awesome support helping people cope. I could really use some when I get a chance to come back. I'm intellectually recommitting to not contacting her. I don't even know what the heck I'd say if I did get an answer. I believe I'm a good guy & even if I weren't this is not cool to do to people. I don't know how to even close this. I just know I don't deserve what she's doing. And I wish I hadn't watch those videos. I wasn't even thinking about her being with someone else. Now all I can think about is that.
DustySaltus Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Ray, I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I was involved with someone who invaded all of my personal space. If you read some of my older threads by clicking on my name, you can see some of the stuff I went through. Let me tell you what I've learned. Women like this are very weak. Checking emails, phones and whatever else shows how insecure they really are. I have no doubt in my mind that she will try and get you back at some point. Resist the urge. Sending a video to you???? VERY VINDICTIVE. I mean this is right there as one of the lowest things you can do to someone. No class Ray, no class at all. Sounds like she may have a borderline personality as well. My ex told me she was dating people a week after I left, they didn't exist but even if they did it shows how desperate she was for attention. Go to work and make some money for yourself. Buy a lock for the breadbox, so this doesn't happen again. Do things that made you happy before you were together. Have no contact with her whatsoever. Silence will hurt her more than anything. She wants a reaction from you and you owe her NOTHING. Again. I'm sorry and just keep posying here if you need to talk. DS
mickleb Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Hi ray I'm sorry, too, for all you've been put through. Her behaviour is hideous. I just want to reiterate that you are now FREE from this woman. Despite the hold she is DESPERATELY trying to have on you, you ARE free. Of course, you need to process and manage all of this fresh sh*t she's thrown at you but you are OUT of it now. Go to work, if that will make you feel better. Don't today, if you know it won't. It's okay to take a day off when you feel like hell. Or try going in and, if you feel crap, leave (say you've got a migraine or something), if you want to. Basically, do whatever will help you to cope best with what has just gone on. Whether you go in, or not, decide on ONE thing (at least) that would give you even an ounce of joy today and make sure you get it. (Something not too harmful to your physical and mental health!) Try to focus on the fact that she is no longer your responsibility. You are. We're here for you. Take care. xxx
Surfer Girl Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 She is trying to hurt you in any way possible.... If she can't be happy... she just might want to make you miserable.... that is not love... that is vindictive, hurtful and in know way someone that loves you..... Best for you is NC.... she may persist to hurt you more.... you don't need anymore hurt....
caramel c Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 She is a disgrace to women. You are better off without her.
Author rayellis1127 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 Dusty, caramel c, mickleb, & surfer girl, I don't know how to describe how encouraged I am just now. Work was pretty bad, but better than last night. I have another shift to go but fortunately it's a desk job & I am allowed to surf. I'll spend that time reading more. The way I feel now, I know I can make it even though this feels so bad. I felt pretty ashamed at work. Everyone seem to know exactly what was wrong with me. I couldn't even keep my head up & out of my hands. But my friend and family came through, even though some a little later than I needed, they still made me feel better to just vent endlessly. I've been on the phone every moment I could today. I've talked to all three sisters, two buddies, my boss & friend. Everybody must have spent an hour or so with me. I didn't tell everyone every single detail though. I remember feeling ashamed as if "I" had done something. After all, this is a woman "I" was with so for some reason I felt responsible for her behavior. I want to take some responsibility, but I don't want to feel bad for being accountable to myself. It's really mixed up. I've only had two long term relationships before this one and one for ten years, they all ended on bad notes, but not cheating or anything like this. I'm happy reading the responses. I almost could call it magic. So tonight, I thought I'd get another email and simply trash the ones she knows (even though I've had one for a gabillion years). That's what I"ve decided & I certainly can see doing it. Earlier I could barely see a moment into the future. I'm 39 years old. I lived 35 of them without her. Also, I've read through the forum that working out helps coping. After I felt good enough from talking to friends & family, my boss' husband & I did some push ups (weird at work, but it helped just like it was promised to do). I drank a god awful amount of water too. I mean...wow...this is what I needed to hear or read. I 'm free, but I don't really free normal, but I know I don't want her in my life. I will keep coping. I will continue to go to work everyday. I feel very welcomed. I'm so glad this forum is here. My ego & self esteem aren't exactly healthy but they certainly got a boost as I affirmed to myself every positive response here. Thank you each of you.
boogieboy Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Think about it this way Ray: She is probably only with that guy to do the video to get back at you. She is still devastated, and cant possibly be comfortable or feel good about what she did with that guy. She will be thinking about you for a while and any guy she is with will suffer for it. She will suffer too. She is doing things to herself that she is probably seriously regretting right now. She might be crying in her pillow at night regretting making those videos. So dont feel bad, you did nothing wrong, and I'm sure she is putting herself through torture just to get back at you. You broke up with her for a good reason, so you can keep your distance and know youre doing the right thing. Now if you really wanna get back with her, you will have to wait a month or so for her to start contacting you again. If not, then you're off the hook right now.
BW007 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 My dark vindictive side thought of a few things like forwarding the videos to her parents or viral to an xxx site but I suppose the downside could be criminal charges. Or just reply " I didn't realize you had branched out into porn. Congrats! Keep up the good work, I will keep forwarding them to everyone we know to help your career. Bravo!" It was interesting to me how radically your behavior changed from the mature in control dumper to the victimized person when you saw her having sex. That was a mean thing for her to do, it sucks when someone good in your life turns bad, but her behavior is almost suicidally self destructive. Her dignity definitely committed suicide. Just think about this, she still wants you to see her having sex. What is that about? weird one. You will be ok, remember, you already left her and the sex you had with her wasn't a competition or a grudgefark.(most of the time)
DustySaltus Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 Dusty, caramel c, mickleb, & surfer girl, I don't know how to describe how encouraged I am just now. Work was pretty bad, but better than last night. I have another shift to go but fortunately it's a desk job & I am allowed to surf. I'll spend that time reading more. The way I feel now, I know I can make it even though this feels so bad. I felt pretty ashamed at work. Everyone seem to know exactly what was wrong with me. I couldn't even keep my head up & out of my hands. But my friend and family came through, even though some a little later than I needed, they still made me feel better to just vent endlessly. I've been on the phone every moment I could today. I've talked to all three sisters, two buddies, my boss & friend. Everybody must have spent an hour or so with me. I didn't tell everyone every single detail though. I remember feeling ashamed as if "I" had done something. After all, this is a woman "I" was with so for some reason I felt responsible for her behavior. I want to take some responsibility, but I don't want to feel bad for being accountable to myself. It's really mixed up. I've only had two long term relationships before this one and one for ten years, they all ended on bad notes, but not cheating or anything like this. I'm happy reading the responses. I almost could call it magic. So tonight, I thought I'd get another email and simply trash the ones she knows (even though I've had one for a gabillion years). That's what I"ve decided & I certainly can see doing it. Earlier I could barely see a moment into the future. I'm 39 years old. I lived 35 of them without her. Also, I've read through the forum that working out helps coping. After I felt good enough from talking to friends & family, my boss' husband & I did some push ups (weird at work, but it helped just like it was promised to do). I drank a god awful amount of water too. I mean...wow...this is what I needed to hear or read. I 'm free, but I don't really free normal, but I know I don't want her in my life. I will keep coping. I will continue to go to work everyday. I feel very welcomed. I'm so glad this forum is here. My ego & self esteem aren't exactly healthy but they certainly got a boost as I affirmed to myself every positive response here. Thank you each of you. Just be careful because a girl like this will come back and apologize down the line just so she can try and catch you with your gaurd down so she can hurt you again. Just completely cut her off. You'll have your good days and bad days, but you've found another outlet for support here.
DustySaltus Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 My dark vindictive side thought of a few things like forwarding the videos to her parents or viral to an xxx site but I suppose the downside could be criminal charges. Or just reply " I didn't realize you had branched out into porn. Congrats! Keep up the good work, I will keep forwarding them to everyone we know to help your career. Bravo!" It was interesting to me how radically your behavior changed from the mature in control dumper to the victimized person when you saw her having sex. That was a mean thing for her to do, it sucks when someone good in your life turns bad, but her behavior is almost suicidally self destructive. Her dignity definitely committed suicide. Just think about this, she still wants you to see her having sex. What is that about? weird one. You will be ok, remember, you already left her and the sex you had with her wasn't a competition or a grudgefark.(most of the time) This would be the second best retalitory strike. The first would be to completely ignore her. This is a real creative though it may lead to all out nuclear war.
Author rayellis1127 Posted September 16, 2009 Author Posted September 16, 2009 My dark vindictive side thought of a few things like forwarding the videos to her parents or viral to an xxx site but I suppose the downside could be criminal charges. Or just reply " I didn't realize you had branched out into porn. Congrats! Keep up the good work, I will keep forwarding them to everyone we know to help your career. Bravo!" It was interesting to me how radically your behavior changed from the mature in control dumper to the victimized person when you saw her having sex. That was a mean thing for her to do, it sucks when someone good in your life turns bad, but her behavior is almost suicidally self destructive. Her dignity definitely committed suicide. Just think about this, she still wants you to see her having sex. What is that about? weird one. You will be ok, remember, you already left her and the sex you had with her wasn't a competition or a grudgefark.(most of the time) My dark vindictive side thought of a few things like forwarding the videos to her parents or viral to an xxx site but I suppose the downside could be criminal charges. Or just reply " I didn't realize you had branched out into porn. Congrats! Keep up the good work, I will keep forwarding them to everyone we know to help your career. Bravo!" It was interesting to me how radically your behavior changed from the mature in control dumper to the victimized person when you saw her having sex. That was a mean thing for her to do, it sucks when someone good in your life turns bad, but her behavior is almost suicidally self destructive. Her dignity definitely committed suicide. Just think about this, she still wants you to see her having sex. What is that about? weird one. You will be ok, remember, you already left her and the sex you had with her wasn't a competition or a grudgefark.(most of the time) I've considered it. My sister (the rowdy one) suggested I send it to her employers, friends, & even her parents. That would be a very ugly back and forth thing. But the biggest obstacle is how crappy I feel imagining having done it. I just can't do it even though it would embarrass her badly. I've been visiting off and on in the last day and each time I come it's because some thoughts about her, forgiving her, contacting .etc, come to mind. Each time I get here & read what I've wrote and other's posts, I'm reassured ignoring her is best. BTW, your observation about me going from mature to victim is quite a bit to think about. I'm glad you pointed that out to me. Maybe even she recognizes "sex" is an Achilles heel.
mr heartbroken Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 hey ray. i dont think what she did was i noce thing. She was wanting you to see the fun she is having without you. In truth she will be hurting. she might say she isnt but she will be. I THINK YOU SHOULD KEEP NC. if she phones then blank her if she emails then blank them etc. you need to sort out you first and by doing that you will know what it is that you want. what would to tell a friend to do right now? I think that you have seen a really basty side to her and that you might have had a lucky escape. Try keep busy dont look at picture's of her and you, dont read threads let her bitch and moan. This will show that you are the better person and you will be ablr to walk away with grace.... good luck mate
BW007 Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 But the biggest obstacle is how crappy I feel imagining having done it. Well that is the real reason not to do that. I told you it was my mean side talking. Don't do it...just ignore her. Also I thought of something...Is it possible her new BF is threatened by you and sending you the sex tapes without her knowing as an FU? I still think it was her but it is just so insane and self destructive for her to do. It makes my cheating ****ty, knocked up by another guy in 2 months ex look sane. Seriously, ignore her, it will help you heal and as a bonus drive her crazy, but eventually allow her to fade away too.
mickleb Posted September 16, 2009 Posted September 16, 2009 You could say if you hear from her again, you'll forward the flick on. That may help her to stay out of your life. Glad you're feeling more in control again. You are SO more in control than this 'lady' will be for years. Definitely go NC as soon as you can and then take as much time as you need to process how betrayed you've been. I don't think you need to worry about your responsibility in the breakdown of this relationship, yet. Just try to hang onto your trust that there are a lot of decent people out there who are NOTHING like her, first. x
Author rayellis1127 Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 hey ray. i dont think what she did was i noce thing. She was wanting you to see the fun she is having without you. In truth she will be hurting. she might say she isnt but she will be. I THINK YOU SHOULD KEEP NC. if she phones then blank her if she emails then blank them etc. you need to sort out you first and by doing that you will know what it is that you want. what would to tell a friend to do right now? I think that you have seen a really basty side to her and that you might have had a lucky escape. Try keep busy dont look at picture's of her and you, dont read threads let her bitch and moan. This will show that you are the better person and you will be ablr to walk away with grace.... good luck mate Thanks mr heartbroken, My sense of time is a little messed up. I've been working a lot lately. But I think it was last night or early this morning I deleted hundreds of photos from my pc, laptop, & phone. I've blocked the new email address. And I didn't have time to do it today, but I'm going to figure out how to block her phone from texting or calling me (i tink i can do it without contacting the phone company). She knows all my email accounts (personal, work, old/new, yahoo/gmail) but I only use two mainly. I've even considered getting rid of them, but I'm going to wait to see if I can get through this without chucking out email addys I've had for years. Today I got about seven 'unavailable' phone calls. You know the ones where the caller dails *67 or something to hide their number. I answered three of them before I realized it might be her. So I'm going to ignore those totally--no one calls me like that ever. Luckily, I don't have my voice mail set up so she can't leave me voice messages. Man...that is really paying off. Thanks again for supporting me.
Author rayellis1127 Posted September 17, 2009 Author Posted September 17, 2009 Well that is the real reason not to do that. I told you it was my mean side talking. Don't do it...just ignore her. Also I thought of something...Is it possible her new BF is threatened by you and sending you the sex tapes without her knowing as an FU? I still think it was her but it is just so insane and self destructive for her to do. It makes my cheating ****ty, knocked up by another guy in 2 months ex look sane. Seriously, ignore her, it will help you heal and as a bonus drive her crazy, but eventually allow her to fade away too. What a coincidence! Someone I was talking to today was really having a go at her character. And while convincing myself not to defend her I opted with the idea it could also be the guy. That maybe she doesn't even know I've watched the video. We followed that theory for a minute or two & I just couldn't keep spending time with my friend talking about the stuff. I hope I never find out. I believe I know the guy she's seeing as in I've met him before. The guy I'm thinking of is an ex of a woman in her friend-circle. Their "innocent" involvement came up during the few days we tried to reconcile. I don't think I've shared that story but I might just to get it out of me too. Thank you my friend for this support.
DustySaltus Posted September 17, 2009 Posted September 17, 2009 What a coincidence! Someone I was talking to today was really having a go at her character. And while convincing myself not to defend her I opted with the idea it could also be the guy. That maybe she doesn't even know I've watched the video. We followed that theory for a minute or two & I just couldn't keep spending time with my friend talking about the stuff. I hope I never find out. I believe I know the guy she's seeing as in I've met him before. The guy I'm thinking of is an ex of a woman in her friend-circle. Their "innocent" involvement came up during the few days we tried to reconcile. I don't think I've shared that story but I might just to get it out of me too. Thank you my friend for this support. It was her all the way, the guy had nothing to do with it. People who do things like this have an agenda and don't just come right off as being very vindictive. This woman had a clear cut strategy and this guy was nothing more than a pawn in her stupid game. You cut her loose. She is damaged goods. She won't find another guy like you. But instead of admitting her faults and changing she goes into a raging ball of fire that burns everything in her path. She's pissed off because now she is alone with her thoughts and it is KILLING HER. Honestly, I don't mean to scare you but I would watch your back in the near future. This woman is capable of anything at this point. I mean to send videos to you when she knows they can go anywhere and she still didn't care is just showing this woman is not playing with a full deck. Just keep your distance and again I wish you the best, it's a real tough situation but I commend how you are handling it.
Author rayellis1127 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 It's been a tough few days but it seems to get better each day. I've got about a week without work and that's going to be tough. But.. I just realized before posting this, I'm lucky I started posted here when I did. Otherwise, I might not be so optimistic about how this coming week will go with so much alone time. Last night my buddy & I went to breakfast at a diner about 1 am or so. We had breakfast, coffee, & great discussion for hours. And I could feel my normal level of socializing coming back (and I'm not very social anyway). I came home and got to sleep easily. It was the first time I went to sleep without worrying 'what might be going on elsewhere' or that I might be missing a contact from her. And it's weird...but as much as she's be hurtful, there's this reoccurring idea that I want to hear from her & she'll tell me how sorry she is & how great I am & how I'm a better lover than whoever she's seeing. Each day those ideas occur less and less. Thankfully I know, intellectually, these are self-abusive fantasies. The first day I was crying so bad tears were puddled on my floor. I couldn't think about anything else the entire day. I had trouble sleeping, getting into the shower, or doing anything besides watching my email (hoping she'd find another way to contact me), watching my phone. But the person I wanted to call me doesn't even exist. Today, I've got my apt. cleaned almost to the point it's sterile. I'm calling people just to chat. I visited this forum every time I think about her & I read the no contact guide out loud, & try to figure out what I could say to support others (even though that part never works out, I hope to one day give some support to someone, I have trouble today). At the moment, I don't even know where my cell phone is. And the thought I've made it to 2 pm without being handcuff to it, without having to struggle against the urge to call her, and without trying to relive having watched those videos is an amazing thought. I wish I could say I'm so happy. I'm not entirely happy. But I have the good feelings that I'm headed in that general direction. Even if I backslide, and reverse directions, I'm confident I can recognize it and to prevent it from making me suffer. I'm not going to abuse my self over this woman. I like the feeling of leaving no threat of someone invading my privacy. I like the feeling of sorting up my life one aspect at a time so I have the best chance at a healthy relationship. Because I deserve it & the woman I choose to be with will deserve it too. And as seems to be the case, I'm in a better feeling mood now having posted than I was when I started. Thank, again, everyone for supporting me & others.
Author rayellis1127 Posted September 18, 2009 Author Posted September 18, 2009 It was her all the way, the guy had nothing to do with it. People who do things like this have an agenda and don't just come right off as being very vindictive. This woman had a clear cut strategy and this guy was nothing more than a pawn in her stupid game. You cut her loose. She is damaged goods. She won't find another guy like you. But instead of admitting her faults and changing she goes into a raging ball of fire that burns everything in her path. She's pissed off because now she is alone with her thoughts and it is KILLING HER. Honestly, I don't mean to scare you but I would watch your back in the near future. This woman is capable of anything at this point. I mean to send videos to you when she knows they can go anywhere and she still didn't care is just showing this woman is not playing with a full deck. Just keep your distance and again I wish you the best, it's a real tough situation but I commend how you are handling it. Thanks Dusty. I've read your story too & I can tell you there's a huge difference in your tone between now & then. It's certainly inspiring. And it certainly touched me that your experience isn't too far off from my own (control issues, privacy, etc). And thanks for suggesting I read your story. Reading other people's stories helped me learn new ways to best support myself. At least that's how it seems to be working out. And I suspect I've got an episode or to coming up, so I'm equiping myself to deal with it. One day I'll be someone else's support. And let's keep passing it forward. And the number one thing I've learn (that somehow evaded me) is I haven't benefited from my relationship with her EXCEPT through sex. She on the other hand has benefited in many ways. I think I'm going to go through an angry phrase about being used by her. But I keep concentrating on how things will be once I've through this. How funny that a video and the time it takes to email it can screw someone up for months. Right now I just take it one day or one sec at a time. And I hope the hard parts over.
the_b Posted September 20, 2009 Posted September 20, 2009 Trust me - you've dodged a bullet with this "lady". You should be jumping for joy.
Author rayellis1127 Posted September 20, 2009 Author Posted September 20, 2009 I went out last night and had a good time. There a bar/bowling/theater nearby & my buddy forced me by threatening bodily harm to go out. So I go out, which I don't do often at all, got drunk, which I don't do often at all, and met someone. I'm just getting up and moving around & I'm tired from working so much last week & from last night. I'm excited about meeting someone new. But I felt these strange feelings of guilt as if I were somehow cheating. I know in my mind it's lingering feelings & are unhealthy, but they are honestly there. Or, maybe it's me reminding me I'm not ready for a relationship. But I'm excited all the same. On the inside I don't like the idea of being treated like someone's distraction & I don't really want to treat her like my distraction. Or, maybe I'm totally wrong about it all. I dunno. Today is my ex's off day and the day we usually hang out. She hasn't contacted me today & I suspect is hanging out doing whatever she does. Her Thursdays-Saturdays are her tough days and she'll probably contact me somehow. I've noticed that now instead of having trouble coping with that really bad contact that brought me here, I'm worrying about how she's going to contact me next.
Author rayellis1127 Posted September 21, 2009 Author Posted September 21, 2009 How's it going, ray? x Scratch what I said yesterday. The woman I met isn't ready to date & neither am I. Last night I had two dreams based on the videos. And this morning I feel like I'm back to square one. While I know all I have to do is keep supporting myself the same way to get back to good feelings, I'm scared this is going to go on and on and I'll never be ready to see someone else. And I'm lonely as hell. My ex keeps calling 'Unavailable' (3 times last night) & I keep ignoring it. In one of my dreams last night she kept doing the same thing just to get her by until she met another man & then sent me that video too. They were all one night stands & married men she met online. For her sake I hope it's just my dreams. My heart feels like it's pumping poop syrup, just not as thick as before when I started posting.
mickleb Posted September 21, 2009 Posted September 21, 2009 Scratch what I said yesterday. The woman I met isn't ready to date & neither am I. Last night I had two dreams based on the videos. And this morning I feel like I'm back to square one. While I know all I have to do is keep supporting myself the same way to get back to good feelings, I'm scared this is going to go on and on and I'll never be ready to see someone else. And I'm lonely as hell. My ex keeps calling 'Unavailable' (3 times last night) & I keep ignoring it. In one of my dreams last night she kept doing the same thing just to get her by until she met another man & then sent me that video too. They were all one night stands & married men she met online. For her sake I hope it's just my dreams. My heart feels like it's pumping poop syrup, just not as thick as before when I started posting. Hi ray I'm glad you posted this, I was a little worried about you rebounding. I know what it feels like to be back at day one. I know the lonliness. I think the line about poop syrup is hilarious. I'm, also, kinda glad you're having the dreams. Only because I think your subconcious is doing its job of working this out. Your dreams will ease off and the misery will begin to lessen. It may take some time to go completely but the ok times in between the bouts get longer with each day. You will be ready to date someone one day. Someone less deranged. It won't be in a decade, it will probably be within the year. You have to keep letting your head talk to your heart. Your head makes sense, your heart is mush. I have taken to talking to myself quite a lot, recently..! In the car, the bathroom, at work (when the kids aren't around and in a whisper). It's working! It must be hard with her trying to battery ram your door down but that is precisely why you cannot give in. I don't need to explain that any further, do I? Look after yourself. You can make this better. All alone. And then you'll be more than ready to find someone who is able to be loving. x
Author rayellis1127 Posted September 22, 2009 Author Posted September 22, 2009 Hi ray I'm glad you posted this, I was a little worried about you rebounding. I know what it feels like to be back at day one. I know the lonliness. I think the line about poop syrup is hilarious. I'm, also, kinda glad you're having the dreams. Only because I think your subconcious is doing its job of working this out. Your dreams will ease off and the misery will begin to lessen. It may take some time to go completely but the ok times in between the bouts get longer with each day. You will be ready to date someone one day. Someone less deranged. It won't be in a decade, it will probably be within the year. You have to keep letting your head talk to your heart. Your head makes sense, your heart is mush. I have taken to talking to myself quite a lot, recently..! In the car, the bathroom, at work (when the kids aren't around and in a whisper). It's working! It must be hard with her trying to battery ram your door down but that is precisely why you cannot give in. I don't need to explain that any further, do I? Look after yourself. You can make this better. All alone. And then you'll be more than ready to find someone who is able to be loving. x Thank you mickleb. This is some funny business. I've been brokenhearted before but I never really paid attention to how I coped with it. Tonight has been especially tough even though the pain is noticeably lighter. I'm regretting deleting her pictures & want to see her picture. Everytime I think of her it's prior to our initial break up. All these tricks my mind is playing on me tonight are...fairly tricky (i have to give myself credit, I'm being very slick about how to bring her up). I've been so close to calling her and I just keep reading my own posts about her. Then I hurt more but want to call her less. As the pain lessens, I want to call her more...read post again, repeat. This has been going on for hours. The wacky thing about this all is I was fine before I got that contact from her. I was totally fine. No bad emotions at all that I can remember. Now I'm so sleepy, I'm going to sleep and have another dream. Then I'll wake up in the morning, shake it off and *this night* will seem like a dream.
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