plan to get my ex and myself back-EDITED

[floridapad]

I know some of you know my story, I love you but not in love with you speech, found out about affair 3 months later, forgave her worked my ass off on my issues only to find out she saw him again four months later and separated. OM dumped her and she ends up on Match.com at the encouragement of her girlfriends. 20 year relationship, 3 kids family, poof gone in the blink of an eye.

 

Now, I know you think I’m crazy but I still love her. She is not in an over the top MLC where she picked up and left me and the kids. She is wanting to find romance and passion but can’t do that with me, someone she has been with for 20 years, especially since the romance and passion is so new to her from the affair. She is withdrawing from the feelings of the affair, the breaking of the family, and her friends tell me she sometimes just spends all day in bed. She is sweet as pie to me (guilt) and wants to be friends, she still loves me but just isn’t “in love” with me. She emphatically states with tears in her eyes that she does love me, but just not in that way.

 

So why would I even consider wanting her back? Because I love her, she is the mother of my children, but most importantly, I guess I don’t want to lose her as a friend (Yes I know with friends like her who needs enemies.). I have analyzed myself and what makes me feel good about the situation and in the end it’s about the feeling of unconditional love for someone that is not your blood that is amazing. It makes me see not only her in a different light but everyone around me. When I get angry and try to push the love away and give myself a mental cold bath it only hurts and it affects my feelings for everyone around me. So if love changes form to nonromantic friendship so be it. I have accepted that she will likely not want to be with me as a life partner and I am slowly “envisioning “myself falling in love with another woman. So whats the plan? Divorce bust my ass off as follows : I would for you all to let me know your thoughts and I have added the results of using my plan for the last 3-4weeks.

 

1)Allow myself to feel the anger as it comes, forgive her and move on to the next anger bout, all along praying that she have the same happiness that I deserve (I know this is tough sometimes

2) Use MLC tactics, validate her etc.

3) Smile laugh when I see her or talk on the phone, but don’t get too chatty and keep conversations short. Be the first to get off the phone and the first to say I got go, in a cool manner.

4) Act “as if”. Do 180’s. Never talk about the relationship. In her mind its over but in my mind the relationship as I KNEW it is over. Whatever new relationship comes about (friends or whatever) will be a new relationship. Love will change it’s form and I can keep that inside of me. Detach with love

5) Live in the now the second the moment. Stop overanalyzing the relationship to death.

6) Date/ have fun with other woman (for myself) but let my wife know through the grapevine that I am doing it (not to make her jealous but to see that I am moving on.) and not having any problems. (advice of the divorce buster coach.)

7) Have my OWN MLC and do things I haven’t done before.

8) Kids kids kids. Stop focusing on the heart break of the kids and make their life better through love and interaction.

9) Get healthy again. Get back all the muscle and cardio I lost. Get myself back. Get my man card back. Stop dwelling on the loss of love, keep hope running in the background, focus on myself and let her do her MLC thing (thank you Penelope for the words of wisdom on how to use hope).

10) ]Look at people through the Lords eyes. With compassion and love and warmth.

 

This is my plan I have put into affect for the last 3-4 weeks and here is what I have noticed in order from above.

1) Anger- Wow anger can sneak up on you and there are days where I don’t want to force myself to forgive so I don’t but all in all I am progressing pretty well. Her being sweet as pie is helping a bit but me knowing that forgiveness is for ME and not her some how makes me feel better and does take away the bitterness. This has cycles though.

2) MLC tactics. Two steps forward and one step back. Need to learn more about them.

 

3) Smile laugh when I see her - Going well and holding my own. I spend a minute before seeing her reflecting , praying and picking myself up. Some days are real easy to be upbeat and cheery and some days are real hard but all in all I’ve been doing well. She responds in positive ways.

4) “As if” is working well for ME. Once you start it and practice it you get the hang of it and it works wonders for myself. Not sure how it affects her nor honestly do I care on this one. It makes ME feel better. I find that the 180’s really help me and I am slowly detaching with love (two steps forward one step back).

5) Live in the second-This can be a tough one. I am an overanalyzer by nature but what I find is that when I practice living/feeling/viewing/analyzing in the second (what is in front of me) I am very happy even though it is contrary to my nature. I need to work on this one a lot more and hopefully over time it will become a part of me. Feels great.

6) OK this one is tricky and please don’t judge me when I say the things I am going to say. When I found out my wife slept with the OM after our separation my ego was crushed and I needed to start having my own life. Before I say this I want to say I can count the number of woman I slept with on one hand. I have always been a one woman man, never cheated and liked LT relationships. SO…. As part of MY MLC, I have had a ménage a trios (sp?) with two ER nurses that picked me up at a bar (alcohol involved ) had two other women pick me up and take me to a strip club and went into the back room with the two of them and a stripper (spare you the details) (been to strip clubs twice in my life), and dated a beautiful Venezuelen woman 15 years my junior (I’m 42). I found out a couple of things about myself. While the ménage a trios thing and strip club was fun it only healed my pain in the moment and it seemed very empty the next day (although I still chuckle sometimes about it). I am not the sleeping around type. The young woman I dated wanted more out of the relationship and I told her I just couldn’t do it because I still loved my wife so we parted ways. My Wife found out through the grapevine about this stuff and funny thing is the next day she was even more friendly than usual, calling me several times. I did the “gotta go” thing on the phone and she was “huh where are you going” which she never did before. She knows this is uncharacteristic of me and a complete 180. She didn’t mention anything about it but her reactions were different.

7) MY MLC- See #6 above. Started scuba diving, taking Salsa lessons (mandatory in S Florida) and getting out more and feeling more free and passionate. I like the idea of having my own “controlled” MLC.

8) Kids are doing good and keeping active with them and giving them more attention and love than I did before. I try to relate to them more as apposed to just being a disciplinarian all the time. It’s working and I am bonding with them more

9) Started working out. It’s a day by day thing but I am slowly building my strength. I know that my confidence will be better for myself any future woman or my wife should we reconcile. It makes ME feel good.

10) This is the most important for me. Some days I can see through the Lords eyes and some days I can’t. When I attend church and pray regularly I can do it. Feels fantastic when I do but I need to do more of it. Need to make sure MY “controlled” MLC doesn’t interfere with my moral background (which it has a bit).

 

 

Overall, The whole idea of moving on with my life and allowing my wife to have her MLC journey so I can have my journey and my own healing and letting hope run in the background has really done wonders for me. Sure there are backslides and I still sometimes obsess over the loss and get angry but overall I feel much better than I did a month ago. I can “feel” myself moving on and detaching with love even though I run into a few hiccups. Should my wife “come back” I would not take her back unless I knew SHE had an epiphany and grew from this experience, loved me for me and realized that true love is not a big hormone rush she had in an affair. Chances of that happening I know are slim. But I can keep hope running in the background while I heal myself. If this doesn't bring her back in the next six months then at least I will have detached with love and serve her the divorce papers. Thank you all for listening to this long post.

[soheartbroken]

 

Now, I know you think I’m crazy but I still love her.

 

 

I don't think you're crazy at all. Of course you still love her!

 

I'm confident that your plan will be a success, and as always, I admire your faith.

[hopesndreams]

OK this one is tricky and please don’t judge me when I say the things I am going to say. When I found out my wife slept with the OM after our separation my ego was crushed and I needed to start having my own life. Before I say this I want to say I can count the number of woman I slept with on one hand. I have always been a one woman man, never cheated and liked LT relationships. SO…. As part of MY MLC, I have had a ménage a trios (sp?) with two ER nurses that picked me up at a bar (alcohol involved ) had two other women pick me up and take me to a strip club and went into the back room with the two of them and a stripper (spare you the details) (been to strip clubs twice in my life), and dated a beautiful Venezuelen woman 15 years my junior (I’m 42). I found out a couple of things about myself. While the ménage a trios thing and strip club was fun it only healed my pain in the moment and it seemed very empty the next day (although I still chuckle sometimes about it). I am not the sleeping around type. The young woman I dated wanted more out of the relationship and I told her I just couldn’t do it because I still loved my wife so we parted ways. My Wife found out through the grapevine about this stuff and funny thing is the next day she was even more friendly than usual, calling me several times.

 

This is abusive behaviour towards yourself and others. Are you in any kind of therapy?

[ryepatch]

I don't think you're crazy at all. Of course you still love her!

 

I'm confident that your plan will be a success, and as always, I admire your faith.

 

you're so positive and uplifting, shb!

 

floridapad. . . you're so organized!!! i like it.

 

i hope to get to that point. . .

 

sounds like your W might really be having second thoughts. . .

[floridapad]

To Ryepatch and so heart broken:

Thank you both for not being judgmental on my plan and experiences the way others have been. I realize to some having a “controlled” MLC is wreckless but I think they are reading into to it too much. It is my “label” for allowing myself to experience new things in life that I haven’t done before. The “controlled” part is intentional because with experiences comes learning and I am very cognizant of learning about myself through my experiences. Since I am not in a true MLC I learn much quicker. I don’t want to look back on life and say “damn I should have done that or this, especially when the opportunities are there” .

]TO: Hopesndreams

I’m a bit hurt by what you said about me having abusive behavior towards others. I don’t see it and I don’t agree with it. The two nurses initiated everything. The other two girls initiated everything and the young one initiated everything. They all knew of my situation and it was their choice. I could tell the young one was getting attached and she was a “good girl” so I told her I could not do this and I parted ways before she became too attached. I could have continued to go out with her and not tell her this in order to stroke my ego and have “fun” but honestly my heart was not in it and I didn’t want to hurt her.

 

As for being abusive to myself. I hear where you are coming from, but honestly, being abusive to myself would be not to live life and sulk. If you asked guys on the board if and when they had/have the opportunity I had, a lot of them would have done the same thing (or so I think). The abuse would come if I didn’t learn anything from it and did that continuously to fulfill myself.

 

What did I learn? Menage a trois’s are fun in the moment but rather empty and are not fulfilling. Did it and don’t need to do it again (lesson #1). Strip clubs? Fun for bachelor parties but as I have said I have been to two in my life (for bachelor parties) and I realize the next day why I never go (lesson learned #2). Dating a woman 15 years my junior? I like mature women not young women that have little life experience. Despite the fun, I can’t relate to them and have no intention of doing so in the future (lesson #3). The biggest realization I came from dating the young one though is that I am not ready to date yet because I am still healing and can’t give all of myself to someone (lesson #4) . Without these experiences I would not have learned /relearned about myself or reminded myself of who I am in these extraordinarily difficult times. During these times you get a sense of loss for yourself and just reminding yourself of who you are sometimes doesn’t always help or only gets me 75% of the way there. Sometimes you need to “experience” it to fill the gap and say “oh yeah that is not me or that IS me.” THEN you can feel it.

 

Sorry for boring everyone with “self” stories but I hope you see that the journey to getting over the pain (for me at least) and moving on and letting go is to experience and learn about yourself. I still have hope for my marriage, but I need to move forward and learn about myself through experiences and let hope run in the background. Easier said than done with all the backslides though.