mrslitig8trinNJ Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 A year and a half ago, my husband received an email at work from a "long-lost" female friend from his youth whom he hasn't spoken of nor heard from for more than 20 years. During our 15-year marriage, we didn't hear anything from her ever ... not once. After this lengthy absence, she proceeded to tell my husband that her husband left her for his gay lover and she needed a lawyer's advice - which was given. She said she stayed out of touch because my husband was her old boyfriend's best friend and it was too painful to be friends with him ... Now, she won't go away! He claims she want to be my friend and get to know me better. I said fine, so long as she's respectful to me as your wife and doesn't have contact with you doesn't include me, i.e., social interaction and calling him at work and on his cell phone. I only asked that she call our home and see him socially when he's with me. She agreed. A year later, I'm still waiting to be treated with respect. She continues to cross the line of what's appropriate conduct with a married man. She calls his cell phone, continues to cook for him and entertain him at her home time and time again. She mailed a birthday card to his office. She emailed a picture of a RED, sequined evening gown to my husband's office that she was planning to wear. She called my husband's cell phone at 11:45 p.m. on New Year's Eve to wish him a "Happy New Year." She's been on dinner dates with my husband (two that I know of) when he's away on business in her area, which by the way is 500 miles from our house. She calls his cell phone for everything and anything: "I need help with this." and "I'm upset about that." My husband even went so far as to say he was her children's "heterosexual role model," notwithstanding the fact that they have a gay father, there are three handsome, confident, caring heterosexual uncles they can go to for anything at any time. My husband is her "go-to guy" for everything, and I don't even know her. My husband used our insurance agent to make arrangements for her to have "life insurance." Why is this his responsibility? Most recently, he was on a business trip in her City and told me he was going to see his brother before checking in to his hotel. He went to her house where she was making dinner for him. I found out because I called his cell phone about a problem at home and asked to speak with my brother in law. My husband said he couldn't come to the phone, because he was "in the bathroom," and I said I would call his cell phone and was told "don't do that, I'll call you back." That's when I knew. I called his cell phone multiple times and he would not answer my calls. Finally, he answered my call when SHE SAID HE SHOULD. I can't take it anymore. How many times has the line been crossed? It's been a year, and she needs to stand on her own two feet and live her life. She's crossed the line too many times and so has my husband. Now, my husband is lying to me about his "business trips." He's still insisting it's just a "special friendship" and she really wants to "be your friend too." "She's a lovely person who isn't a threat to you or our marriage." Really? HELP, from a long-suffering wife in need of advice!
bayouboi Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 You keep blaming this other woman as if this whole situation is her fault. Your husband is as much to blame for this disrespect as she is because he's PARTICIPATING in it. I would not be surprised to find out that he is/was cheating on you with this woman and I am deeply sorry that you are going through this situation. I think that you should clearly draw the lines for your husband and if he continues crossing them, you should consider leaving him.
confusedinkansas Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Woah! I smell a rat! Your husband should be the one to put a stop to this woman's behavior IF HE WANTS IT TO STOP.....Are you sure he does?
luckyme99 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 where is your husbands ethics with this? You are blaming the other woman for this behavior and yet your husband hasn't put a stop to it himself? You set down the rules for them to have a friendship and they were broken. End of story. Boundries were crossed. YOU are his wife and you should be the one to take up his personal time, not this chick. Ok, she makes him dinner? Are you serious? Listen, you have been putting up with behaviours that are RED FLAGS for him having an affair. As soon as he lied to you about her - then there should have been consequenses. I am sorry - but as another poster said, i wouldn't be surprised at all if they were sleeping together. Your husband is the one who should be most to blame here. He is the one committed to you not her. He is your husband, therefore should respect and honour your marriage. She is just a needy woman getting what she wants from him. If you want to save your marriage, Don't bull**** around anymore. He is cheating on you emotionally, if not sexually. He is lying about her. time to wake up. I am not huge on ultimatums, but you need to stand your ground. Get rid of this woman - HE needs to get rid of her. Let him know how this is effecting you and your marriage and that perhaps counsilling or working together can bring yur marriage back. If he is defensive and not willing to give her up - then you have bigger problems. You know it's more than "just friends" Your husband married you and therfore you should be the one he puts his time and energy in with. I am hoping that he respects what is going on and how you arefeeling, so perhaps you can heal from this. Good luck:)
Author mrslitig8trinNJ Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 All of your posts of support are helping me get through this more than you could ever possibly imagine. I've been sitting here all morning at this computer reading, posting, crying, I'm a complete and total mess. I haven't eaten in two days, going on three. My heartbeat is racing, and I feel like it's going to burst from my chest. My three sons, 16, 14 and 12 have no idea why i've been crying uncontrollably for two days, but they each left for school by giving me big hugs and saying "I love you mom." This helps.
whichwayisup Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 He's still insisting it's just a "special friendship" and she really wants to "be your friend too." "She's a lovely person who isn't a threat to you or our marriage." Really? Boy, that's quite a line. He's having an affair with her, or at best, an emotional one. She's certainly pouring it on strongly, and chasing him.. I mean, CALLING him on NYE? WTF. The real problem is (partially it is her, BUT..) your husband!!! HE is welcoming her advances. He isn't telling her she's getting too close for comfort, that she's crossing lines, getting too attached. He is encouraging it by befriending her! This line "Special Friendship." It isn't. It's a SELFISH friendship, one that feeds his ego, one that makes him feel good, special and it doesn't include you. Time for him to end it with her.. He can't have it both ways!
luckyme99 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 All of your posts of support are helping me get through this more than you could ever possibly imagine. I've been sitting here all morning at this computer reading, posting, crying, I'm a complete and total mess. I haven't eaten in two days, going on three. My heartbeat is racing, and I feel like it's going to burst from my chest. My three sons, 16, 14 and 12 have no idea why i've been crying uncontrollably for two days, but they each left for school by giving me big hugs and saying "I love you mom." This helps. i know how hard this is - my ex husband had an affair with someone who was "just a friend". he is now my ex. I get that you are in pain and this is extremely difficult, but don't waste your energy crying over it. You need to take care of yourself. Now is time for empowerment!! This should have been nipped in the bud at the beggining, but we can't go back to the past. Now, you need a plan of action. What to you want to do? First, i would suggest, you tell your husband that you WILL NOT put up with the behaviour anymore. IF he refuses to accept this then tell him (this is only suggestion) Her or you. Period. Give him food for thought. Look i can't tell you what to do. But you can't go day to day like this either, action needs to take place. Get on your feet and take back YOUR life. I believe you will. Keep posting:)
Author mrslitig8trinNJ Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 It pains me to think of anyone going through this, but I found strength and comfort in your words of advice. It seems like an eternity until he gets home from this trip. My 16th wedding anniversary is next month, and I'm praying for a miracle.
Recommended Posts