looking4 green grass Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 You know, I don't think I've ever rejected somebody ONLY based on their looks. Usually it's a combination of many things that makes the person unattractive to me. But having no physical chemistry is a big thing for me. If I am repulsed at the thought of a guy naked, why pursue that relationship?
Author CaliGuy Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 apparently you identify as "very attractive." In my experience, the most attractive people are usually more modest in their self descriptions because they're not trying to compensate. I'm not un-attractive and I have no problem with my confidence and I think that shows in my attitude. I am not saying I am "all that" or anything. I am pointing out that I have had women get all up in my grill when I wasn't attracted to them and I can understand from both points of view how my reaction could have been construed as being mean. Not to toot my own horn, but I am very attractive and am not mean at all. I don't get hit on often, but when I do and the guy is not my taste, I am very nice to him but won't lead him on. Many people who are good looking, do have huge ego's, but they really just have not found their spirit yet! Exactly. And very attractive people aren't hit on very often because MOST people are insecure. One would be surprised at how easy it is to get a date with a really attractive woman if you just reach down and show some confidence! Cali, there's just no way to discuss this in any kind of adult fashion, without all the resentments towards attractive people coming out. Those who have, whatever they have that others want, will always be portrayed as the "bad guy". Agreed. But I don't care how attractive or unattractive you are. If you reject someone, you're the "bad guy/girl" no matter what. It isn't personal to me in any shape/form. If someone isn't interested in me I just move on to the next possible candidate and people I am not interested in should do the same. Why waste your time on people who aren't interested in you if that is what you want?! You're missing out on the people who ARE! You know, I don't think I've ever rejected somebody ONLY based on their looks. Usually it's a combination of many things that makes the person unattractive to me. But having no physical chemistry is a big thing for me. If I am repulsed at the thought of a guy naked, why pursue that relationship? Exactly. If I am not excited at the thought of being with her physically then there will be no interest on my part.
shadowplay Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Those of you who constantly talk about how attractive you are: I find this trait unattractive. Attractiveness is subjective. End thread... Agreed. I've noticed that people who describe themselves as so attractive often aren't, and this thread is a case in point. People can't judge themselves objectively except in very broad strokes. To self identify as attractive is fine if it's honest but to complain incessantly about reverse discrimination against pretty people or whatever is just lame. I have no sympathy for somebody who gets occasionally stereotyped given all the extra advantages they get in life (which are considerable in some cases). OK, if it's really extreme maybe (a supermodel who keeps attracting creeps or whose intelligence is demeaned), but otherwise my sentiment is "suck it up." Everybody faces some form of stereotyping because of how they look. Attractive people generally have it the easiest.
tigressA Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Exactly. And very attractive people aren't hit on very often because MOST people are insecure. One would be surprised at how easy it is to get a date with a really attractive woman if you just reach down and show some confidence! This is a big thing with me. My ex had told me later in our relationship that when he first met me he thought I was out of his league. But he just said, "To Hell with it" and flirted with me whenever we saw each other because he figured he had nothing to lose. And we dated for nearly two years.
Star Gazer Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 IMO, how attractive you are has absolutely no relation to your capacity to be mean.
Quest Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Sometimes you get the feeling someone is mean because they aren't that objectively attractive and that makes them even more unattractive because they come across as sour or having a chip on their shoulder. On the other hand you get some objectively unattractive people who are comfortable with themselves and full of warmth and personality and that makes them strangely attractive ... so I don't think think it's much to do with being 'hot' at the end of the day.
shadowplay Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I'm not un-attractive and I have no problem with my confidence and I think that shows in my attitude. I am not saying I am "all that" or anything. I am pointing out that I have had women get all up in my grill when I wasn't attracted to them and I can understand from both points of view how my reaction could have been construed as being mean. I don't think your appearance has anything to do with this. Rejection sucks in general, and people react in different ways to it. Also, it may be that you're not being sensitive in how you reject them. It sounds like, from your original post, you may lead women on instead of giving them a clear message from the start that you're not interested.
BCCA Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I don't think your appearance has anything to do with this. Rejection sucks in general, and people react in different ways to it. Also, it may be that you're not being sensitive in how you reject them. It sounds like, from your original post, you may lead women on instead of giving them a clear message from the start that you're not interested. To be honest, Ive found that the people I tried the hardest to 'let down easy' and with whom I was most upfront seemed to take the longest to get it, and repeatedly tried over and over. Sometimes being 'mean' as in, being completely direct, is not only the easiest way, but the only effective way. I think the problem is that most people cant help but take it personally, so instead of saying 'meh, not a match' they look for other reasons that you arent interested, such as being a jerk, full of yourself, etc.
looking4 green grass Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I've been thinking about this thread some more and what exactly defines attractive anyway. Usually the girls that I think are very pretty my guys friends do not think are pretty. Sometimes they think a girl is so "HOT" and I can't decide how on earth they reached that conclusion. I certainly don't think I"m uber gorgeous or anything. I have hair that always looks like it's never been brushed (oh the woahs of curly hair), I tend to dress in all sorts of funky things that don't match (my female friends have deemed it the "My Name Style...it's wild....anyway), I do attempt to wear make up most of the time, but it's never that polished look and I usually rub it off, I walk into walls, trip over my own feet, say totally random things,I even wear *gasp* glasses....dorkville central right here! etc Ok, looking at all that I appear to be a walking disaster. However, I have NEVER not gotten the guy I wanted. And I do mean never. It sounds concieted, but that's the way it's always worked for me and I'm 29. So, I'm not much convinced that the outside appearance relates to rejection and obtaining dates anyway. I mean, I'm a couple of blocks off normal in my opinion, and I still do just fine.
donnamaybe Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Well I tried to address this in my delusions of grandeur thread and lots of people flamed me (as expected). Attractive people (not just physically, but all rounded) have a choice, so why should they trade down? No one should HAVE to date someone they don't find attractive JUST to prove they're not "mean." HOWEVER, I have been out at a club before and seen a guy walk up to a table of gals and ask one on the dance floor. She gave the guy the once over - you know - the long look up and down the length of him. Then she snickered to her friends while she sent him on his way. That was just f'ing mean. She acted like that to totally humiliate this guy, and she did NOT have to.
Isolde Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I don't think your appearance has anything to do with this. Rejection sucks in general, and people react in different ways to it. Also, it may be that you're not being sensitive in how you reject them. It sounds like, from your original post, you may lead women on instead of giving them a clear message from the start that you're not interested. It also sounds like he's dealing with immature women, because I don't know any girls who continue to pursue guys who aren't into them. There was only one guy where I acted like a fool when I was rejected, and that was due to complete inexperience, nothing more, and even then, I backed off pretty fast.
BCCA Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 No one should HAVE to date someone they don't find attractive JUST to prove they're not "mean." HOWEVER, I have been out at a club before and seen a guy walk up to a table of gals and ask one on the dance floor. She gave the guy the once over - you know - the long look up and down the length of him. Then she snickered to her friends while she sent him on his way. That was just f'ing mean. She acted like that to totally humiliate this guy, and she did NOT have to. Believe it or not, that happens all the time. People are very cruel and shortsighted, and do not think 'if that was me' at all. Sounds like someone is full of themselves, but I can tell you that as a guy - this is not uncommon. It also sounds like he's dealing with immature women, because I don't know any girls who continue to pursue guys who aren't into them. I told a girl flat out that I wasnt interested in dating her, and she asked me to dinner, and out with her friends for 6 months until I had to be 'mean' (meaning, I had to say once again this was going nowhere). She was 32.
shadowplay Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 To be honest, Ive found that the people I tried the hardest to 'let down easy' and with whom I was most upfront seemed to take the longest to get it, and repeatedly tried over and over. Sometimes being 'mean' as in, being completely direct, is not only the easiest way, but the only effective way. I think the problem is that most people cant help but take it personally, so instead of saying 'meh, not a match' they look for other reasons that you arent interested, such as being a jerk, full of yourself, etc. There's a healthy in-between. You can be nice, honest and direct. Just say "you're not my type" or something.
shadowplay Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 It also sounds like he's dealing with immature women, because I don't know any girls who continue to pursue guys who aren't into them. There was only one guy where I acted like a fool when I was rejected, and that was due to complete inexperience, nothing more, and even then, I backed off pretty fast. I've only made a fool of myself with one guy, but it was partly because he totally led me on (saying "yes, I'm still very interested, let's get together this week," etc.). I hate it when people do that. I'll never pursue somebody like that again. I've also vowed to stop making the first move, no matter how subtle.
BCCA Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 There's a healthy in-between. You can be nice, honest and direct. Just say "you're not my type" or something. I do not advocate being mean, I dont like when it happens to me, so I wouldnt do it to others. I also know what it feels like to be nice and upfront and have the other person totally not listen. Its frustrating. Its hard to have ONE 'youre not my type' conversation; I dont want to rehash it over and over. Ive found very few people take the hint or listen right off the bat.
shadowplay Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I do not advocate being mean, I dont like when it happens to me, so I wouldnt do it to others. I also know what it feels like to be nice and upfront and have the other person totally not listen. Its frustrating. Its hard to have ONE 'youre not my type' conversation; I dont want to rehash it over and over. Ive found very few people take the hint or listen right off the bat. so you've told somebody directly "you're not my type," and they still keep pursuing you? I find that kind of implausible unless they're loopy. I have a feeling you're being less direct.
Isolde Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 I've only made a fool of myself with one guy, but it was partly because he totally led me on (saying "yes, I'm still very interested, let's get together this week," etc.). I hate it when people do that. I'll never pursue somebody like that again. I've also vowed to stop making the first move, no matter how subtle. Yeah, in my case, I was getting mixed signals too. It's really not that difficult to tell someone you're just not interested.
JohnP82 Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Why is this being debated so hard? Hot people (guys and girls) are mean because they can be. They know they have options and if you don't measure up to whatever they decide to measure you by then you don't matter. They may be nice about rejecting you or they could be a dick. That's life.
deux ex machina Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 It totally sucks for me. I am so hot I have to beat them off with a stick. They still don't get the hint sometimes, because I am so hot. Finally they force me to be mean about it. I can't help it. I am so hot and confident. It's part of my animal magnetism. I'm a natural. To be hated is my fate. They always have excuses! They "were just smiling" at me. And, "really didn't want to go out" with me, anyway. They need to stop lying to themselves. They want me. They know it. I tell them all the time, "Sorry, but you can't have me! I'm don't like you that way!" They always try to run away at that point. I believe this is because they are overcome with lust. I tell them it's fine, you can't always get what you want. Someday you'll find a nice "5", and settle! Won't that be nice? Then they try to put me down! I'm just being nice! :mad: Haters.
Trialbyfire Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Hold it, hold it, hold it! Since when has the responsibility of the rest of the dating world, been given to the person who's being pursued?
Author CaliGuy Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 I don't think your appearance has anything to do with this. Rejection sucks in general, and people react in different ways to it. Also, it may be that you're not being sensitive in how you reject them. It sounds like, from your original post, you may lead women on instead of giving them a clear message from the start that you're not interested. Hmmm, well the thread was on another forum and I just posted what SHE said (it was a she, not me, making the original post). And in all fairness, I have been able to let people down fairly easily without their being hard feelings. It's a rare occasion for someone to get upset with me. I pointed out that it's possible, no matter how kind you are to them, for them to get upset when they are rejected.
shadowplay Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 Hold it, hold it, hold it! Since when has the responsibility of the rest of the dating world, been given to the person who's being pursued? who said this?
Author CaliGuy Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 It also sounds like he's dealing with immature women, because I don't know any girls who continue to pursue guys who aren't into them. There was only one guy where I acted like a fool when I was rejected, and that was due to complete inexperience, nothing more, and even then, I backed off pretty fast. LOL! I am not saying this happens to me all the time. I merely stated some of my past experiences. When I have let someone down kindly, there were several who interpreted my "not being rude" as simply playing "hard to get". Let's not make this out to be bigger than it is. I am merely bringing up a few examples. It's not NORMAL for me to reject someone and them to keep at it. I think it happens in the cases where people think that being nice to them (while rejecting them) is simply playing hard to get. I've only had to get mean a few times, usually at a club (when I was in a band) and girls would just get in my face. I was in a relationship at the time and wasn't interested in meeting other girls. But because I wasn't wearing a ring and because I was in a band, they naturally felt that I'd be interested. When I showed I wasn't, they got upset. Chalk it up to immaturity and good ol' alcohol on their part. And like I said, when I am rejected, it's no big deal to me. There are many more to choose from and I don't think wasting my efforts on someone who doesn't want me good use of my time. Cheers.
Author CaliGuy Posted September 15, 2009 Author Posted September 15, 2009 Hold it, hold it, hold it! Since when has the responsibility of the rest of the dating world, been given to the person who's being pursued? Entitlement. The world is full of it today!
Trialbyfire Posted September 15, 2009 Posted September 15, 2009 who said this?Technically, you're putting the onus on the person who's being pursued, to do whatever they have to, to stave off pursuit, in the way that the person pursuing, feels good about themselves. You forget that the person being pursued, also has feelings and is human. Not too many people enjoy rejecting others.
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