It's all about who?

[foreal]

So my H tells me today that he feels as though, "it's all about you"...he is upset that HIS feelings are secondary right now...when do HIS feelings come into play?

 

He felt as though I did not love him, a contributing factor to the A. That before the A, it was all about me.. I had a .baby to take care of so I get a pass, sort of, for that, for not taking good enough care of him...but now he tells me that even before we had our kid that I was not giving him what he needed when his mom became ill (enough sex is what that means)....so back then, it was all about me....and now, here we are full circle and once again it is all about me.

 

I am thinking of taking my son and going to visit family for a couple of weeks. H said he felt that was not a good idea as it was 'avoidance'..but I am so Fing sick of him.

 

Should I leave for awhile? with the intention of returning of course. But is leaving a good idea to give us time apart?

[whichwayisup]

Don't leave..Talk and sort this out.

 

How old is your child? Can you get a babysitter, or ask a family member to take your baby for the day or even for a weekend? It would be better for you and your H to be alone, talk and listen to one another.

[Spark1111]

So my H tells me today that he feels as though, "it's all about you"...he is upset that HIS feelings are secondary right now...when do HIS feelings come into play?

 

He felt as though I did not love him, a contributing factor to the A. That before the A, it was all about me.. I had a .baby to take care of so I get a pass, sort of, for that, for not taking good enough care of him...but now he tells me that even before we had our kid that I was not giving him what he needed when his mom became ill (enough sex is what that means)....so back then, it was all about me....and now, here we are full circle and once again it is all about me.

 

I am thinking of taking my son and going to visit family for a couple of weeks. H said he felt that was not a good idea as it was 'avoidance'..but I am so Fing sick of him.

 

Should I leave for awhile? with the intention of returning of course. But is leaving a good idea to give us time apart?

 

Foreal, do you know how many times I have checked into an hotel or stayed overnight with a girlfriend or family member when we reached an impasse in our communications?

 

Too many to mention.

 

I needed time to sort out my feelings and I did not want the relationship to deteriorate to the point of no return.

 

Was it avoidance? Of course it was. But who was avoiding what was harder to tell at the moment, and we were digging into our respective defense positions and it would not have been.....productive to say the least.

 

I was not ready to discuss the marriage, our future, etc., until I could process the pain for his betrayal. Everything became a screaming match.

 

Do not get sucked in to his excuses. Was there room for improvement in my marraige? Of course there was.

 

Did he ever communicate his unhappiness to you in a manner that made it clear he was about to wander? Mine did not.

 

Did he ever tell you he thought you no longer loved him at all? Mine did not.

 

If love is an action, I have since told him, what greater display of love could there be than nursing you through lost jobs, pain meds, back surgeries, raising your children, keeping our home, working several jobs,

etc.

 

Or, should I have just abandoned all that to give you a BJ? Would I too, have gotten flowers???

 

If you need to cool off, go do so. And tell him why.

[NoIDidn't]

So my H tells me today that he feels as though, "it's all about you"...he is upset that HIS feelings are secondary right now...when do HIS feelings come into play?

 

He felt as though I did not love him, a contributing factor to the A. That before the A, it was all about me.. I had a .baby to take care of so I get a pass, sort of, for that, for not taking good enough care of him...but now he tells me that even before we had our kid that I was not giving him what he needed when his mom became ill (enough sex is what that means)....so back then, it was all about me....and now, here we are full circle and once again it is all about me.

 

I am thinking of taking my son and going to visit family for a couple of weeks. H said he felt that was not a good idea as it was 'avoidance'..but I am so Fing sick of him.

 

Should I leave for awhile? with the intention of returning of course. But is leaving a good idea to give us time apart?

 

Are you guys in MC?

 

It sounds like he just wants to be and feel heard. And if you avoid him by running to your mother's for a few weeks, it will only reinforce his feelings that you don't care about his feelings.

 

I'm not defending him so much as I am saying to hear him out. It will likely annoy you and put you on the defensive, but its necessary in this process of healing. He hurt you, but he is hurting too. And you guys are going to have to learn new ways of relating to reconcile successfully.

 

He's taking step one of being honest even if it seems juvenile in him worrying about his own feelings. Both of your feelings about your relationship are important. The A probably feels like the worse offense ever, but in the grand scheme of things, it was a cry for help from him.

 

Try to hear him out. I had to do it for my H. It was uncomfortable at times, but it was worth it for me personally more than just for our marriage.

 

(((foreal)))

[stuckinoz]

Stepping away from a situation sometimes clears your head so you can think. So, your thoughts of being gone for a few weeks, might be just what you need.

 

Although, from what you posted...He sounds like a very needy child! Does he realize that it's a lot of work to take care of a child? And keeping a house & keeping a husband happy...Yadda Yadda Yadda.

You keep saying that he says..."It's all about you"....Do YOU think it's all about you? I wonder - I'll bet that it's mostly "All About Him" & he just doesn't see that (or he does but is doing that reverse blame on you) I don't know - I just think he sounds a little selfish.

[Owl]

I agree with NID's response.

 

Are you in MC? If so, are you using the MC to address issues on BOTH sides? If not...why not???

[whichwayisup]

Afew weeks is TOO long! Sure it may help forreal, but it's going to do damage to her husband..NID is right, he's going to feel un-need, unappreciated and not have his feelings validated/heard.

 

You and your husband should put eachother in eachother's shoes (wow that reads weird) do role reversal and maybe then there'll be a better understanding where each of you are coming from.

[silktricks]

I'm not generally in favor of avoidance (personally). All if ever seems to do is delay - and I'm far too impatient a person to deal well with delay. The only time I think distance for a very short period of time is good is if anger is escalating into a major disturbance....

 

So, I personally would not go.

 

In regards to the "it's all about you"... well, recovery is going to be pretty much about you for awhile. He needs to understand that. But... he's got issues as well that must be administered to. He didn't have an affair for no reason, so those reasons need to be exposed, aired, and taken care of. You need to understand them - not just in your head, but in your gut, so that you can have true empathy for what led him to the path he took. And he needs to do the same for you.

 

If you two aren't in MC, you probably should be, as it doesn't sound like either of you are dealing really well with the fallout.

[foreal]

Thanks everyone...gad what would I do w/o LS??

 

yes we are in MC, but have not been on over a month b/c MC went out of town then our own schs got in the way--then I left it in H's hands to make appt and since we were getting along so well he did not make an appt until I brought it up...so we go tomorrow and will discuss.

 

We just spoke on the phone- he said he feels I am not doing anything to get past this, that I remain in the hurt and pain..so I remind him of all the steps I have taken to reach out to him etc etc and as I am listing them off to him I realize DAMN I sure have come a long way! And he then responds with, "I am Fd up, yes you are doing things, it is me and my own warped reality"..so here we go, it is once again all about HIM..

[Spark1111]

Thanks everyone...gad what would I do w/o LS??

 

yes we are in MC, but have not been on over a month b/c MC went out of town then our own schs got in the way--then I left it in H's hands to make appt and since we were getting along so well he did not make an appt until I brought it up...so we go tomorrow and will discuss.

 

We just spoke on the phone- he said he feels I am not doing anything to get past this, that I remain in the hurt and pain..so I remind him of all the steps I have taken to reach out to him etc etc and as I am listing them off to him I realize DAMN I sure have come a long way! And he then responds with, "I am Fd up, yes you are doing things, it is me and my own warped reality"..so here we go, it is once again all about HIM..

 

Yes, you have to listen to his feelings of pain, even be compassionate to them, even when you are screaming on the inside.

 

And he has to listen to your's, whenever they erupt.

 

My husband, too, wants me to so get passed it. I cannot, not without him.

 

If it can take two to five years for the pain to subside, I remind him how ahead of the curve I am, even if it is not on the timeline he envisioned.

 

There have been moments of wonderful insights between us. For the times there were not, an overnight stay somewhere helped me and us profoundly.

[foreal]

 

Did he ever communicate his unhappiness to you in a manner that made it clear he was about to wander? Mine did not.Mine did not either

 

Did he ever tell you he thought you no longer loved him at all? Mine did not.nope

 

If love is an action, I have since told him, what greater display of love could there be than nursing you through lost jobs, pain meds, back surgeries, raising your children, keeping our home, working several jobs,

etc.YES YES YES

 

Or, should I have just abandoned all that to give you a BJ? Would I too, have gotten flowers???I did all that above plus give him BJs!!...AHOLE!

 

If you need to cool off, go do so. And tell him why.

 

I am so pissed..or as my IC says, HURT..I cover my pain with anger...Well I am hurt..incredible hulk hurt.

 

we spoke again and I said hey I should go have and A and then we'll see just how fast he gets over it..his response? "You were doing great until that"

 

F YOU AHOOOOLLLLLEEEEEEE!!!

[Owl]

Have you and your husband read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley?

 

I'd heartily recommend that you both read it together.

 

He doesn't get that it takes YEARS to "get over it".

 

He expects this to be fixed quickly and easily...and someone needs to disillusion him.

 

Tell him that if he doesn't understand the 'recovery process'...then he should shut up and learn...then come back and talk to you once he's got a clue about what it's really going to take to recover your marriage. Right now, he does't know/understand. He needs to get that understanding in order for the two of you to move forward.

[foreal]

Have you and your husband read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley?

 

I'd heartily recommend that you both read it together.

 

He doesn't get that it takes YEARS to "get over it".

 

He expects this to be fixed quickly and easily...and someone needs to disillusion him.

 

Tell him that if he doesn't understand the 'recovery process'...then he should shut up and learn...then come back and talk to you once he's got a clue about what it's really going to take to recover your marriage. Right now, he does't know/understand. He needs to get that understanding in order for the two of you to move forward.

 

Thanks Owl..yes, we read it as well as 12, count em, 12 books on infidelity...he knows it takes years...he keeps hoping that we will get thru it faster though...he said he is not sure how long he can 'take it'.....which is what I have thought all along, thathe'll never be able to hang in there....so why am I wasting my time?

When we first got into MC he said he thought we would get thru this faster though b/c we are an exceptional couple, that we are both intelligent, etc..I was like, Are you Fing kidding me? We are not unique. HE made sure of that by having an A.

 

I wish I could have you kick his ass (verbally that is..okay, physically too, but I will take verbally for now)

 

I think our MC will kick his ass tomorrow..he is really good and we should not have gone so long w/o seeing MC..again, I left it up to my H to make appt (b/c I tend to be the 'caretaker' I am trying to allow HIM to take care of me..boy does he suck at it)

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

I am hopefully geting a sitter today and will go out and see a movie..

[foreal]

Don't leave..Talk and sort this out.

 

How old is your child? 2 and a half Can you get a babysitter, or ask a family member to take your baby for the day or even for a weekend? We have no family here to help. Baby sitter is a good idea, but I hesitate to leave my 2 year old for a weekend..not to mention, the going rate in these parts is outrageous ($12 an hour)!!It would be better for you and your H to be alone, talk and listen to one another.

 

I am looking for a sitter for ME right now...hoefully one will come thru..I need to get out- I need a job too..even though the 'plan' was for me to stay home w/ our son until he goes to kinder.....I worked my whole life and it is really hard to be a stay at home mom at the age of 43. I love my son and would prefer to not work, but I feel so trapped now...gawd I am boo hooing....pathetic I am.

[silktricks]

And he then responds with, "I am Fd up, yes you are doing things, it is me and my own warped reality"..so here we go, it is once again all about HIM..

 

 

What would you have preferred that he say?

 

It seems to me he took responsibility for his view, and saw that it was skewed - that seems like a good thing - Does it not to you?

[foreal]

What would you have preferred that he say?

 

It seems to me he took responsibility for his view, and saw that it was skewed - that seems like a good thing - Does it not to you?

 

Yes, you are right....but he has a habit of acquiescing and then holds it against me w/o my knowledge of course, but now I am aware of how much he has done this in the past.....so I am not sure if he REALLY is taking responsibility, or if this just more of the same. He is a classic conflict avoider.

 

Plus, it irks me that I have to go thru this dance with him...I feel really hurt when he is unable to show me that he understands this is an awful lot for me to handle..that this will take time and if he cannot hang in there, then CYA.

[eeyore1981]

Jeez, woman, you are not being pathetic at all, this shyte hurts!!

 

What advice do I have to give? I'm not sure. I seem to be struggling right now with some enlightenment, like I am almost there, but not quite.

 

If you truly on any level want to repair your marriage, I feel taking off right now is a big mistake.

 

Yes, I do understand, the b*stard cheated, and so how dare he play the victim here. Been there, done that. I understand the sentiment, but it doesn't help repair the marriage.

 

There are two POV's going on here. As painful, unfair, etc. as it may seem, he is hurting, too. I know my H is, but when I feel overwhelmed by my pain, I don't effing care. My point is, he apparently has some deep issues that enabled him to have an affair in the first place, then to be whining about when is it about him. If you truly want to repair the marriage, those issues are going to have to be addressed.

IMO, my feelings are, I would like to help my husband deal with his issues, and get himself to a better place, not because I am so self-sacrificing, but because I want my marriage to be wonderful, and it never will be if he keeps these things locked up tight. But it is hard, because I am effing tired of being the one doing most of the work here, and it causes resentment in me. However, this is one of the issues (this is my light-bulb moment I am struggling with right now) that need to be addressed, and dealt with, his mindset that he has no control over his actions, that he is helpless, that he is just being thrown around on the winds of fate. I'm not wording this too well, because again, not quite there yet, but I do know if we can't work together to find a way for him to change his way of thinking, we are never going to have much of anything. This is going to require me to change my way of thinking as well, which is a blow to my ego. Yes, he cheated on me, and I didn't cheat on him, while true, is not helping get me where I want to be.

[foreal]

Thanks Eeyore.

 

yea, it is bazaar that i am the one who has to do so much work. My H is a mess. And now I am too thanks to this Bullshyt A he chose to have (which of course yet again he reminded me he was not thinking clearly at all when he did it...as if that is supposed to mean WHAT???.whatever.

 

i hear you though..it is just tough. thanks again.

[PhoenixRise]

I have to agree with the other posters here Foreal.

 

Don't leave right now unless you are planning to not come back.

 

Your H needs to buy a clue.

 

You are doing the heavy lifting right now. You are dealing with the fact that he betrayed you in the worst possible way and with someone you considered a friend to boot.

 

Frankly, he just needs to be happy that you are even trying.

 

On the other hand.

 

As part of the heavy llifting, you have to get to a point where you can listen to his feelings, his feelings now and his feelings before the affair.

 

But you can't negate your own feelings in the process. Seeing you hurt and feeling your lack of trust in him makes him feel bad. He doesn't want to feel bad. That is why he had the affair in the first place, and that is why he wants to rush you through recovery now.

[freestyle]

......it`s like they want you to attend to their wounds, when you`re the one with the knife in your back..................................that they put there!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

Your anger is completely justified, IMO.

[eeyore1981]

Thanks Eeyore.

 

yea, it is bazaar that i am the one who has to do so much work. My H is a mess. And now I am too thanks to this Bullshyt A he chose to have (which of course yet again he reminded me he was not thinking clearly at all when he did it...as if that is supposed to mean WHAT???.whatever.

 

i hear you though..it is just tough. thanks again.

 

I appreciate all the help you have given me, too.

 

And I want you to know I hear you, too. It is tough. I get the same crap from my husband, and sometimes I get so angry I can't stand it. I'm not a freaking saint. I'm working on it, though...

[silktricks]

Yes, you are right....but he has a habit of acquiescing and then holds it against me w/o my knowledge of course, but now I am aware of how much he has done this in the past.....so I am not sure if he REALLY is taking responsibility, or if this just more of the same. He is a classic conflict avoider.

 

Plus, it irks me that I have to go thru this dance with him...I feel really hurt when he is unable to show me that he understands this is an awful lot for me to handle..that this will take time and if he cannot hang in there, then CYA.

 

ahhhh - got it now.. Of course he is a conflict avoider!!! In my personal opinion, those are the people who HAVE A's!!!

 

I know what you mean about hanging in there. Right at the get go, when my husband asked me if I would ever be all right again, I told him that it was pretty much going to be up to him. I said it was going to take me time - and I didn't know how much time it would be. I told him that I didn't know if he was going to be able to hang on himself until I was OK, but that I wasn't going to rush things for him, nor was I going to pull any punches with him. He hung in there for the long haul - and it WAS a long haul, too . But thankfully, we got past it.

[eeyore1981]

......it`s like they want you to attend to their wounds, when you`re the one with the knife in your back..................................that they put there!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

 

Your anger is completely justified, IMO.

 

Yes, I agree, the anger is completely justified. And if the goal is to feel self-righteous, this is good progress. Screw the marriage, what can we do for ourselves to get past this? I'm just beginning to see that after a certain point this is very self-destructive.

 

Respectfully snipped.

You are doing the heavy lifting right now. You are dealing with the fact that he betrayed you in the worst possible way and with someone you considered a friend to boot.

 

Frankly, he just needs to be happy that you are even trying.

 

 

Again, I couldn't agree more. I, too, have been doing the heavy lifting, as I have through most of our marriage, and maybe I am mistaken, but I am beginning to see that 1st, if my H was of the mindset of being capable of heavy lifting, there would have been no affair, which leads me to 2cd, this thought process he has continued to maintain throughout our marriage is the actual problem that needs to be addressed if we are to have any kind of marriage at all.

[foreal]

so H and I are just going round and round.

 

I told him I wish I was the one who had the A...he of course said "no you don't! Why would you say that?"..I said b/c at least that way at some point I wqould have had someone telling me how great I was, how I could do no wrong, to make me feel as though I was special, unique, the cats meow so to speak....at least he had someone giving him a thrill,.....you know how fing long it's been since i had a thrill?? Too fing long.

 

Then he says, see, all I get from you is HATE..I said, it is not hate, it is hurt and sadness and lonliness! How many times last year did I tell you how lonely I was?? How distant we were, how I longed for you to open up to me?....but he chose to do so with that fing bitch of a friend of mine....to which he replied, well it sounds like hate...so sorry I guess I should start crying and breaking down in front of my kid to show you how fiung desperate for love I am??

 

He keeps saying he isnt sure how much more he can take....I told him then just leave now instead of puttin gme thru this bullshy...and he says, well I dont need your permission to leave...fing AHOLE.

 

sorry, just venting...siging off for awhile.

[eeyore1981]

so H and I are just going round and round.

 

I told him I wish I was the one who had the A...he of course said "no you don't! Why would you say that?"..I said b/c at least that way at some point I wqould have had someone telling me how great I was, how I could do no wrong, to make me feel as though I was special, unique, the cats meow so to speak....at least he had someone giving him a thrill,.....you know how fing long it's been since i had a thrill?? Too fing long.

 

Then he says, see, all I get from you is HATE..I said, it is not hate, it is hurt and sadness and lonliness! How many times last year did I tell you how lonely I was?? How distant we were, how I longed for you to open up to me?....but he chose to do so with that fing bitch of a friend of mine....to which he replied, well it sounds like hate...so sorry I guess I should start crying and breaking down in front of my kid to show you how fiung desperate for love I am??

 

He keeps saying he isnt sure how much more he can take....I told him then just leave now instead of puttin gme thru this bullshy...and he says, well I dont need your permission to leave...fing AHOLE.

 

sorry, just venting...siging off for awhile.

 

{{{{{Forreal}}}}}

 

I am sorry for all the pain you are feeling right now. Vent all you need to, it helps to get it out.